Pringles Part 2: Chicken Little
We kickstart Part 2 with a sunset, a hummingbird, and Pringles on his bowflex. Followed by a shower. In which he is filmed. We notice that throughout these scenes, P is wearing the same blue workout shorts As Seen In Episode One. Could it be that Pringles is a Never Nude? But P does not seem to care about our questions, as he is shocked and amazed that there are "so many beautiful women, who are also smart!" and also, "if I had to guess, I could honestly say that my wife was in that room" at the last rose ceremony. We question whether Pringles understands the concepts behind this show.
Meanwhile, Chris Harrison has rounded up the cattle at Bachelorette ranch. We secretly wonder if said ranch is where All Props Go To Die, as one wall is deep green, another is yellow, there is some weird blue tapestry curtain hanging randomly, and a purple backlit contraption beside it, plus reams and reams of lights, unlit candles, vases of fake flowers, and so forth. This room is like some boutique for Women of a Certain Age, hopefully called "The Duchess' Boudoir" but mainly containing sweaters with cats on them, velvet-covered lamps, and drink napkins that say "when I am old, I shall wear purple." But Chris doesn't care because he's handing out the first date card.
It's for Squints!! "Are you ready to fall in love?"
Squints trades her black tank top for a red tank top, loads on the eyeliner, and soon Pringles is picking her up in a helicopter and one of his signature V-Neck purple t-shirts. As he disembarks, the First Lady declares that she wants to "eat him alive," so cute he is. Meh.
So apparently, Pringles picked Squints for this date because she addressed "the elephant in the room" which was being born with one arm. And what better way to show his appreciation than to make this woman free fall 300 feet off a building? For we have touched down on a helipad, and Pringles is marching Squints towards the plank. Except suddenly we don't care, because we have seen the back of Squints' top, and it is NOT a top, but a baby sundress, with a crissy-crossity apron back. WTF.
The only thing worse than wearing a baby's apron is sounding like one. And Squints is rapidly grating on us in more ways than one, as KMu darkly mutters about "That Voice," from her corner of the living room. But soon, Pringles is the "only thing keeping Squints calm," and he is practicing Being Her Rock, and they are free-falling, and she is screaming and he is "whoo-ing" and then this happens:
Squints: "This can't be real."
No. Words. But they have "fallen" and no liquids came out of either end in the process, as far as this viewer can tell. So it's off to the next thing, which is a 3/4 length black dress and the following story: It was deeply meaningful for Squints to be able to free fall today because she tried to go zip-lining with her father in Las Vegas, and an employee told her that people with disabilities could not go by state law. She was mortified, and her father explained that this is why she needs a strong man, to be with her through these situations. To which Pringles responds: "Well, I do consider myself a MAN, and a man should protect you."
Ok, let's sit with this for awhile:
1) A person with a perceived impairment cannot zip line in . . . Las Vegas.
2) Sean is a Real Boy!
She gets the rose and concludes that she is already "falling in love" with the Pring.
Meanwhile, back at the house, date card #2 has arrived. The First Lady, having forgotten her pants, runs out of the house to get it. It reads: "Let's capture the romance." This date is for Janice Dickinson, Amanda the Fit Model, Brooke the community organizer (wow, we didn't think she made it to round two), The Democrat, Daniella, Catherine the graphic designer, The First Lady, Edie Brickell, Selma, Diana, Kacie, and Tierra who graciously concludes that "it sucks to be here because I'm here to meet Sean, not the girls."
The women are drinking Bellinis as their limo takes them towards their destination. Edie Brickell surfaces from beneath a frizz of curls to worry that she will be overshadowed by stronger personalities. And we can see what she means, for as the limo pulls up at a huge mansion, Selma breathlessly describes it as a "castle. And I see a prince. I'm a princess!!! Here I come!!!" This viewer realizes that the Disney Channel is like a shrimp farm for the Bachelor franchise.
Pringles opens the door, and there are lights and a camera and an assistant wearing stretch pants and a giant blueberry colored top. And .. . surprise, they are going to be COVER MODELS FOR A HARLEQUINN ROMANCE. O.M.G. This viewer's brain just exploded!!
So when this viewer was in law school and living on shoe strings, our Friday night entertainment was a Harlequinn Romance and a mini bottle or two or wine. But we had standards, babies. And those standards included No Dumb Names (Esmerelda, Mason Pierce), and No Children ("The Millionaire's Baby"). And with those fundamental principles guiding our selection off the hallowed shelves of the local Wal-Mart, we were able to snort our way through two hours of shit fiction every Friday with a budding dream that one day, if this law thing Did Not Work Out, we, too, could be paid to write Drivel. This Friday escape eventually expanded to an Annual White Elephant Gift through which we shamelessly took advantage of our sisters' self-imposed requirement to read every book given to them No Matter How Bad, ending only when our sister SHa called us with tears streaming down her face to read a scene in which our heroine made The Sweet Love to our hero on the back of a motorcycle while going through a car wash. After that, our obsession with The Harlequinn waned. But To This Day, Babies, the volume and quality of romance novels read by this viewer remain a direct measure of this viewer's emotional state.
But we digress.
So the "ladies" are all excited because the winner of this particular challenge gets a three-cover book deal with Harlequinn. We are pretty sure that Janice Dickinson just unhinged her jaw at the news. JD is like "I'm a model, I can do this!!" We at the BNU are also excited, for it is suddenly the Best Little Whorehouse in Texas, with cowgirls! Vampires!! Historical!! and the generic "Sexy!!" cover models. We could totally do this. Our cover theme would be "Sweatpants Can Be Hot!!" We would be the Harlequinn For The Masses.
Cowgirls are up to bat first. Pringles has stripped down to a cowboy hat and a smile, and is leading a horse around the back yard with various women atop and aside it. This viewers' brain glitches again, as this is suddenly *exactly like* the Rosetta Stone Frenches we are learning. "Le homme et sa cheval" (the man and his horse). Except Le Homme also has La Democrat, ripping off his shirt and sharing what is supposed to be All Manner of Steamy Kiss.
Then we are off to the Historical romances, which we think includes Selma, except we really aren't listening because Janice Dickinson is still doing verbal cartwheels "I'm a model!!! This is my Moment!!!" every five seconds across the screen. We see little of the Historical romances, and even less of the "Sexy" people other than Tierra, who vows to "be aggressive." True to form, she suddenly has her knee somewhere up against Pringles' ear as they slow dance in front of the camera. But then Janice Dickinson takes over, and of course, wins the challenge. The first of her romance books, titled "Seduced," will be out as soon as this viewer can write it. . .
Yet the date is not done, for now we are at the pool for the post-event/end-of-date drink. La Democrat confesses that she's there for love. Using a phrase that we hate (all of us), Pringles mutters something about how "we're both really feelin' each other." He also loves that La Democrat will tell him something, and then skitter away to something "really lighthearted, like the weather." Clearly, Pringles is not from Louisiana, the entire East coast, or Joplin, MO.
Meanwhile, Daniella is getting progressively drunk. "zish is NOT ok" she whispers and points in the general direction of La Democrat. Kacie B doesn't hear her, for she has jumped the hurdle between "friend zone" and girlfriend zone" in her own 1:1 time with Pring. We don't care, because she is wearing a tiny leather coat and a tiny red coulot romper. Our hatred of this outfit is only redirected when we hear Catherine the graphic designer confess that she is "Vegan, but I like the beef," *cough*ifyouknowwhatshemeans. I say Hillshire, you say Farms. Soon we are on to Selma, who likes the sound of the word "wife," and Tierra, who is wearing a bedazzled Navajo blanket for a dress.
Blah blah in the end, Edie Brickell decides to leave on this date, and Kacie gets the rose. Tierra wants to "punch" Kacie.
Because this is long enough already, date card #3 has finally arrived, and it is for Desiree: "Love is Priceless." Also known as, "The Date In Which Desiree Gets the Short End of the Stick," for Pringles and Chris Harrison are giggling like little girls over their idea to "Punk" Desiree. Apparently, they will be taking her to an Art Exhibit, in which she will be taken into a side room and shown a Priceless Piece of Art, which will then Shatter, for which she will be blamed. Fun!
At this moment, we would like to cast a hairy eyeball in the direction of ABe, our very own, and very real-life graphic designer who is also not with us this evening because she forgot that the Bachelor is on Monday night. Alas, we will never know what ABe may have to say about The Blue Nude Torso or popsicle stick windmill which ABC has assembled as art, though we can be assured it would have been Nothing Good.
So Desiree shows up and takes the news that "Priceless" does NOT mean "jewels you get to go home with" like a champ. She tries to appreciate the art, appropriately mingles with the fake patrons at the gallery, and is duly shepherded into a side room to see the artist's alleged "masterpiece," called "Poulet en petite." Babies, it's the Little Chicken. With a giant red ball for a head. And it is the "artist's response to the Chernobyl disaster," made out of stained glass collected from churches all around Chernobyl.
Way to go, ABC, if that Poulet were real, you would have just contaminated the whole building.
So the Poulet falls, shatters, and Desiree starts to laugh. The artist comes in and is "shocked" and demands who will pay for it, and Desiree is still laughing. We heart Desiree. In the end, Pringles comes to save her and tell her it is a joke, and then gives her the next surprise: they are going to his house for dinner! "Congrats, Desiree," says KMu. "The others get helicopters and you get Punk'd plus dinner at home."
This date ends with conversation about their families, and how they are falling for each other, and then finally, in a swimming pool with American Flag swim shorts (him) and an electric purple bikini (her) in which Desiree can still slump and not look unsightly. She is Dead To Me.
"You've seen every side of me, 100%" concludes Pringles at the end of only one date.
"Well, not 100%," comments KMu.
Desiree gets the rose.
At last, at LAST, it is the rose ceremony. Hillshire says "this is becoming more real," Tierra is wearing her damn baby pacifier earrings again, and there is so much bronzer and delicate pink blush that we are all a bit overwhelmed. Fortunately, there is Lindsay the Substitute Teacher/Cake Topper there to break the ice in a little dress KMu likes to call "Ebony and ivory, together in perfect harmony." And also, spangles. She admits that she was a teensy bit drunk at the first rose ceremony, and then says that she is an army brat and that her father is a General. We don't know what to think. Nor does our confusion improve when we see that Squints has now borrowed Tierra's sequined navajo blanket and is wearing it tonight.
So the big news is that Amanda the Fit Model is crazy. She sits stonily staring off into space, and entirely ignoring everyone else even when they talk to her except for Pringles (for whom she blooms into life). This is a little weird, but not as weird as the yellow roses she has fashioned into shoulder pads or the fact that she looks *exactly* like another famous Amanda, Amanda Knox.
While we are all fretting over Amanda/trying to care, the First Lady has a more pressing question: She wants to know if Pringles is legitimately interested in dating a black woman. She says, "[Perhaps due to pending litigation], I have noticed that this show is getting more culturally diverse."
After this viewer picks herself off the floor, The First Lady continues on with her question to Pringles. And this is when we realize (all of us) that ABC has picked the Perfect Bachelor for this season. Pringles says that he loves this question, and informs the First Lady that he has dated hispanic and persian women, and that his last girlfriend was black. That's right, ABC has picked the blonde, blue-eyed white person who can talk about his diverse past, but not actually have to live it on national television. But the First Lady is thrilled with this response, and we do have to give her props for asking in the first place.
In the end, and joining Kacie, Desiree, and Squints with roses, Pringles picks:
1. the PK
2. Lindsay the Substitute
3. The FIrst Lady
4. Jackie or Jacquie or whatever the makeup lady
5. La Democrat
6. Selma
7. Hillshire
8. Janice Dickenson
9. Leslie the poker dealer (yay!!)
10. Tierra Firma
11. Taryn
12. Drunk Daniella, and
13. Amanda Knox.
Community activist Brooke and Diana the Salon owner go home. We totally saw that coming.
Stay tuned for next week, when Only Bad Things Can Happen.
- KLo
Meanwhile, Chris Harrison has rounded up the cattle at Bachelorette ranch. We secretly wonder if said ranch is where All Props Go To Die, as one wall is deep green, another is yellow, there is some weird blue tapestry curtain hanging randomly, and a purple backlit contraption beside it, plus reams and reams of lights, unlit candles, vases of fake flowers, and so forth. This room is like some boutique for Women of a Certain Age, hopefully called "The Duchess' Boudoir" but mainly containing sweaters with cats on them, velvet-covered lamps, and drink napkins that say "when I am old, I shall wear purple." But Chris doesn't care because he's handing out the first date card.
It's for Squints!! "Are you ready to fall in love?"
Squints trades her black tank top for a red tank top, loads on the eyeliner, and soon Pringles is picking her up in a helicopter and one of his signature V-Neck purple t-shirts. As he disembarks, the First Lady declares that she wants to "eat him alive," so cute he is. Meh.
So apparently, Pringles picked Squints for this date because she addressed "the elephant in the room" which was being born with one arm. And what better way to show his appreciation than to make this woman free fall 300 feet off a building? For we have touched down on a helipad, and Pringles is marching Squints towards the plank. Except suddenly we don't care, because we have seen the back of Squints' top, and it is NOT a top, but a baby sundress, with a crissy-crossity apron back. WTF.
The only thing worse than wearing a baby's apron is sounding like one. And Squints is rapidly grating on us in more ways than one, as KMu darkly mutters about "That Voice," from her corner of the living room. But soon, Pringles is the "only thing keeping Squints calm," and he is practicing Being Her Rock, and they are free-falling, and she is screaming and he is "whoo-ing" and then this happens:
Squints: "This can't be real."
No. Words. But they have "fallen" and no liquids came out of either end in the process, as far as this viewer can tell. So it's off to the next thing, which is a 3/4 length black dress and the following story: It was deeply meaningful for Squints to be able to free fall today because she tried to go zip-lining with her father in Las Vegas, and an employee told her that people with disabilities could not go by state law. She was mortified, and her father explained that this is why she needs a strong man, to be with her through these situations. To which Pringles responds: "Well, I do consider myself a MAN, and a man should protect you."
Ok, let's sit with this for awhile:
1) A person with a perceived impairment cannot zip line in . . . Las Vegas.
2) Sean is a Real Boy!
She gets the rose and concludes that she is already "falling in love" with the Pring.
Meanwhile, back at the house, date card #2 has arrived. The First Lady, having forgotten her pants, runs out of the house to get it. It reads: "Let's capture the romance." This date is for Janice Dickinson, Amanda the Fit Model, Brooke the community organizer (wow, we didn't think she made it to round two), The Democrat, Daniella, Catherine the graphic designer, The First Lady, Edie Brickell, Selma, Diana, Kacie, and Tierra who graciously concludes that "it sucks to be here because I'm here to meet Sean, not the girls."
The women are drinking Bellinis as their limo takes them towards their destination. Edie Brickell surfaces from beneath a frizz of curls to worry that she will be overshadowed by stronger personalities. And we can see what she means, for as the limo pulls up at a huge mansion, Selma breathlessly describes it as a "castle. And I see a prince. I'm a princess!!! Here I come!!!" This viewer realizes that the Disney Channel is like a shrimp farm for the Bachelor franchise.
Pringles opens the door, and there are lights and a camera and an assistant wearing stretch pants and a giant blueberry colored top. And .. . surprise, they are going to be COVER MODELS FOR A HARLEQUINN ROMANCE. O.M.G. This viewer's brain just exploded!!
So when this viewer was in law school and living on shoe strings, our Friday night entertainment was a Harlequinn Romance and a mini bottle or two or wine. But we had standards, babies. And those standards included No Dumb Names (Esmerelda, Mason Pierce), and No Children ("The Millionaire's Baby"). And with those fundamental principles guiding our selection off the hallowed shelves of the local Wal-Mart, we were able to snort our way through two hours of shit fiction every Friday with a budding dream that one day, if this law thing Did Not Work Out, we, too, could be paid to write Drivel. This Friday escape eventually expanded to an Annual White Elephant Gift through which we shamelessly took advantage of our sisters' self-imposed requirement to read every book given to them No Matter How Bad, ending only when our sister SHa called us with tears streaming down her face to read a scene in which our heroine made The Sweet Love to our hero on the back of a motorcycle while going through a car wash. After that, our obsession with The Harlequinn waned. But To This Day, Babies, the volume and quality of romance novels read by this viewer remain a direct measure of this viewer's emotional state.
But we digress.
So the "ladies" are all excited because the winner of this particular challenge gets a three-cover book deal with Harlequinn. We are pretty sure that Janice Dickinson just unhinged her jaw at the news. JD is like "I'm a model, I can do this!!" We at the BNU are also excited, for it is suddenly the Best Little Whorehouse in Texas, with cowgirls! Vampires!! Historical!! and the generic "Sexy!!" cover models. We could totally do this. Our cover theme would be "Sweatpants Can Be Hot!!" We would be the Harlequinn For The Masses.
Cowgirls are up to bat first. Pringles has stripped down to a cowboy hat and a smile, and is leading a horse around the back yard with various women atop and aside it. This viewers' brain glitches again, as this is suddenly *exactly like* the Rosetta Stone Frenches we are learning. "Le homme et sa cheval" (the man and his horse). Except Le Homme also has La Democrat, ripping off his shirt and sharing what is supposed to be All Manner of Steamy Kiss.
Then we are off to the Historical romances, which we think includes Selma, except we really aren't listening because Janice Dickinson is still doing verbal cartwheels "I'm a model!!! This is my Moment!!!" every five seconds across the screen. We see little of the Historical romances, and even less of the "Sexy" people other than Tierra, who vows to "be aggressive." True to form, she suddenly has her knee somewhere up against Pringles' ear as they slow dance in front of the camera. But then Janice Dickinson takes over, and of course, wins the challenge. The first of her romance books, titled "Seduced," will be out as soon as this viewer can write it. . .
Yet the date is not done, for now we are at the pool for the post-event/end-of-date drink. La Democrat confesses that she's there for love. Using a phrase that we hate (all of us), Pringles mutters something about how "we're both really feelin' each other." He also loves that La Democrat will tell him something, and then skitter away to something "really lighthearted, like the weather." Clearly, Pringles is not from Louisiana, the entire East coast, or Joplin, MO.
Meanwhile, Daniella is getting progressively drunk. "zish is NOT ok" she whispers and points in the general direction of La Democrat. Kacie B doesn't hear her, for she has jumped the hurdle between "friend zone" and girlfriend zone" in her own 1:1 time with Pring. We don't care, because she is wearing a tiny leather coat and a tiny red coulot romper. Our hatred of this outfit is only redirected when we hear Catherine the graphic designer confess that she is "Vegan, but I like the beef," *cough*ifyouknowwhatshemeans. I say Hillshire, you say Farms. Soon we are on to Selma, who likes the sound of the word "wife," and Tierra, who is wearing a bedazzled Navajo blanket for a dress.
Blah blah in the end, Edie Brickell decides to leave on this date, and Kacie gets the rose. Tierra wants to "punch" Kacie.
Because this is long enough already, date card #3 has finally arrived, and it is for Desiree: "Love is Priceless." Also known as, "The Date In Which Desiree Gets the Short End of the Stick," for Pringles and Chris Harrison are giggling like little girls over their idea to "Punk" Desiree. Apparently, they will be taking her to an Art Exhibit, in which she will be taken into a side room and shown a Priceless Piece of Art, which will then Shatter, for which she will be blamed. Fun!
At this moment, we would like to cast a hairy eyeball in the direction of ABe, our very own, and very real-life graphic designer who is also not with us this evening because she forgot that the Bachelor is on Monday night. Alas, we will never know what ABe may have to say about The Blue Nude Torso or popsicle stick windmill which ABC has assembled as art, though we can be assured it would have been Nothing Good.
So Desiree shows up and takes the news that "Priceless" does NOT mean "jewels you get to go home with" like a champ. She tries to appreciate the art, appropriately mingles with the fake patrons at the gallery, and is duly shepherded into a side room to see the artist's alleged "masterpiece," called "Poulet en petite." Babies, it's the Little Chicken. With a giant red ball for a head. And it is the "artist's response to the Chernobyl disaster," made out of stained glass collected from churches all around Chernobyl.
Way to go, ABC, if that Poulet were real, you would have just contaminated the whole building.
So the Poulet falls, shatters, and Desiree starts to laugh. The artist comes in and is "shocked" and demands who will pay for it, and Desiree is still laughing. We heart Desiree. In the end, Pringles comes to save her and tell her it is a joke, and then gives her the next surprise: they are going to his house for dinner! "Congrats, Desiree," says KMu. "The others get helicopters and you get Punk'd plus dinner at home."
This date ends with conversation about their families, and how they are falling for each other, and then finally, in a swimming pool with American Flag swim shorts (him) and an electric purple bikini (her) in which Desiree can still slump and not look unsightly. She is Dead To Me.
"You've seen every side of me, 100%" concludes Pringles at the end of only one date.
"Well, not 100%," comments KMu.
Desiree gets the rose.
At last, at LAST, it is the rose ceremony. Hillshire says "this is becoming more real," Tierra is wearing her damn baby pacifier earrings again, and there is so much bronzer and delicate pink blush that we are all a bit overwhelmed. Fortunately, there is Lindsay the Substitute Teacher/Cake Topper there to break the ice in a little dress KMu likes to call "Ebony and ivory, together in perfect harmony." And also, spangles. She admits that she was a teensy bit drunk at the first rose ceremony, and then says that she is an army brat and that her father is a General. We don't know what to think. Nor does our confusion improve when we see that Squints has now borrowed Tierra's sequined navajo blanket and is wearing it tonight.
So the big news is that Amanda the Fit Model is crazy. She sits stonily staring off into space, and entirely ignoring everyone else even when they talk to her except for Pringles (for whom she blooms into life). This is a little weird, but not as weird as the yellow roses she has fashioned into shoulder pads or the fact that she looks *exactly* like another famous Amanda, Amanda Knox.
While we are all fretting over Amanda/trying to care, the First Lady has a more pressing question: She wants to know if Pringles is legitimately interested in dating a black woman. She says, "[Perhaps due to pending litigation], I have noticed that this show is getting more culturally diverse."
After this viewer picks herself off the floor, The First Lady continues on with her question to Pringles. And this is when we realize (all of us) that ABC has picked the Perfect Bachelor for this season. Pringles says that he loves this question, and informs the First Lady that he has dated hispanic and persian women, and that his last girlfriend was black. That's right, ABC has picked the blonde, blue-eyed white person who can talk about his diverse past, but not actually have to live it on national television. But the First Lady is thrilled with this response, and we do have to give her props for asking in the first place.
In the end, and joining Kacie, Desiree, and Squints with roses, Pringles picks:
1. the PK
2. Lindsay the Substitute
3. The FIrst Lady
4. Jackie or Jacquie or whatever the makeup lady
5. La Democrat
6. Selma
7. Hillshire
8. Janice Dickenson
9. Leslie the poker dealer (yay!!)
10. Tierra Firma
11. Taryn
12. Drunk Daniella, and
13. Amanda Knox.
Community activist Brooke and Diana the Salon owner go home. We totally saw that coming.
Stay tuned for next week, when Only Bad Things Can Happen.
- KLo
posted by KLo @ 5:36 AM
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