Pringles Part Six: Double Feature
Gentle readers, This Viewer is broken. Bro.Ken. And there is no earthly reason why ABC must force us to watch 4 hours of Bachelor in one week whilst also pretending to be an ass-kicking grown-up during the daylight hours. It is "torture, seriously torture," in the words of Tierra. But at any rate, at 9 pm last night (because god forbid ABC even have this double feature at its standard time), we found ourselves in Alberta, Canada, at Lake Louise. Wine-check. Pajamas-check. Let's do this shit.
Pringles is wandering among the rocks and shale, moodily brooding over whether his Wife Is Here because the week in Montana went so badly. We admire the beauty of Banff National Park. We wonder if Pringles got all of his clothes for this episode from Land's End. We like the End, but sometimes the men's sweaters remind This Viewer of her old gym teacher, who was a former chip-n-dale dancer before the Midwest swallowed him.
Blah blah the PK is talking about tension in the house, and if we have to hear one more word about Tierra This Viewer Is Going To Start Throwing Things. Blessedly, the first date card arrives, and it is for Hillshire: "Let's find our fairy tale." Great.
We next see Hillshire standing on a frozen tundra by herself, inadequately dressed as ice and snow starts to blow in off the mountains. A few years ago (and babies, we are mean four years), this viewer bought a ski mask. And we really didn't care if said masks are only intended for boys under the age of 5 or Thugs Too Cheap to Spring for Pantyhose. We wore that mask with abandon to work, to the grocery, and unashamedly pulled that shit down over our face when we could not find our car in the parking lot because 45 minutes is Too Long To Be Expected to Remember Such Items. We did this because it was 20 below zero with windchill. But here is Hillshire, in little boots and jeggings and a fashion coat.
"That girl looks 12 years old," says KMu. "Her mother should have told her not to go out without mittens. Probably with those clippy thingies on them that attach to the coat."
"I need clippy thingies," says This Viewer.
"That is a different discussion," says KMu.
Soon Pringles pulls up in a giant tour bus. They are going Into the Wilds, Jurassic-Park style!! Suddenly, Hillshire is in an orange jumpsuit, and we cannot quite adequately describe how miserable these two human beings look. By this point, it is raining ice and snow sideways. Pringles' hair is white with ice. His face is the color of Hillshire's jumpsuit. Hillshire's face is bright pink. And yet they are doing cartwheels, snow angels, sledding, walking on their hands, and then . . . drinking hot chocolate in an outdoor picnic. In a blizzard. "I haven't had hot chocolate since I was 4 years old!" says Hillshire. Nine years goes by fast, Hillshire. And also, this looks horrible and not fun.
But Pringles has more *fun* in store for Hillshire. One hard edit later, and we are watching Hillshire descend the staircase at Chateau Lake Louise in (wait for it). . a tank top, chiffon white skirt, and summer sweater. "Let's go back outside into the freezing cold!" says Pringles. Hillshire is game, and the two soon climb into a waiting horse-drawn carriage. Hillshire is swept away with The Romance, but all this viewer can think about is a few unfortunate days on Mackinac Island, a land without cars, surrounded by horse crap and fudge. Babies, you do not want to ride a bicycle after a rain over there, unless you have a good bumper on your back tire, or the back of your shirt will look like a horse shit sideways.
Pringles leads Hillshire to an Ice Castle In the Ice for drinks and canoodling. The brain of this Viewer, which still has not gotten over how inadequately dressed Hillshire is, sputters to a halt. And then, we see it: THE KITTY. But not just any kitty, for it is, in the words of KMu:
"A kitty couch."
"A Kitty on ice."
"A Kitty in her lap through the window."
Let's just sit with that for a minute. And Hillshire is game for sitting, as she nestles into The Kitty and tells a sad story about this one time, at summer camp at age 12 (so yesterday), a girl in front of her was killed by a falling tree on a hike. This is legitimately awful, and we feel bad for her. This experience apparently chrystalized her desire to have a family and not take things for granted in life, and she wants to be with Pringles because he appears to have the same goals. We think Hillshire is well-spoken. Or as Pringles sees it: "sexy, intelligent, funny" and he is "crazy about her" (because we haven't heard that before). She gets the rose.
Back at the ranch, date card #2 has arrived: "Let's bare ourselves." And it is for: Tierra, Squints, the PK, the General's Daughter, Princess Jasmine, the Democrat, and Drunk Daniella (who is upset because she's never gotten a 1:1 date).
Pringles is hoping to avoid drama on this date, which is about the stupidest thing this viewer has ever heard. And we realize that this is the date that is supposed to be the Big Dramatic Thing That is Forcing Us All To Watch Two More Hours of the Bachelor, but we are unmoved. This is what happens:
Pringles has the fun idea of making the women canoe across Lake Louise. Because that worked well yesterday. As there are six women, they end up three to a canoe plus The Democrat in Pringles' canoe. After a while, Pringles lets Dems stop canoeing -- she can just "sit back and let him be a man." Really? We don't really want to see Pringles stretch out in his underpants and refuse to ask for directions to cross the lake. But the Democrat is thrilled with this turn of events. The others are, naturally, annoyed.
When they get to the other side (there is a joke in here somewhere), Pringles announces that they are going to have a once-in-a-lifetime experience: taking the Polar Bear Plunge by jumping into Lake Louise. A sour-faced 18 year old lifeguard and an EMT are on site in case anyone has a problem. A few of the women are excited, but This Viewer personally enjoys Princess Jasmine's reaction the best:
Pringles: "You don't have to do this, but its a once in a life time opportunity!!"
PJ: "No it's not. I can come back here and do this any time. I just don't want to."
Princess Jasmine, for the win.
The next 15 minutes is blacked out by skreetching. The last words we hear are from Drunk Daniella: "Sean is hot. I'm hot. Let's go be hot and cold together." And then "IEIEISIIIIEIEIEIEIEI!!!!!" until suddenly, and we know this is a Completely Unexpected Turn of Events, Tierra pretends to have hypothermia. Oh! She is dying!!! Oh!! Her mascara is running !! She is carried into a wheelchair!! She is wheeled back to the ranch!! She makes the EMT put socks on her feet while she eats a sandwich and then helps herself to an oxygen tube.
Desiree Who Should Be Black and Hillshire, watching this all go down from the balcony of their suite, wonder who this possibly could be, and if one woman is down, how are the others? They are perfectly fine. And also, Hillshire just spent an entire afternoon literally wearing no pants in the snow and ice, and she is fine. We are so tired of this. But Pringles is not, as he comes to visit Tierra in her bed before leaving for the rest of the group date.
At this point, we feel as though this group date is 800 years long. We sit through a variety of 1:1 times, as Pringles tells The Democrat how much he "appreciates" her and Squints tells Pringles all about her family. The General's Daughter tries to have an actual conversation with Pringles instead of just kissing him all the time, the women all seem to be getting along, and then. . . Tierra puts her allegedly frozen feet into heels, cakes on the slap, sprays herself with perfume, and waltzes in. Crickets. Pringles is happy to see her, but Thank God Almighty, The Democrat gets the rose on this date.
Finally, we are at date #3, with Desiree WSBB. The date card? "Don't be scared . . . to fall in love." Except before this date, Pringles dumps Squints!!! And for the first time, we think Squints handles this gracefully. She has the Ugly Cry and admits that she feels embarrassed after Pringles leaves her, but she says all the right things and wishes him the best before doing so. Squints, we hope you find love somewhere Not on reality tv that always edits you to make you sound like you're obsessed with having one arm.
Back we go to the date with Desiree WSBB. They are hiking in the wilderness, and DWSBB feels like they are the "only two people in the world," and then Pringles promptly tries to annihilate them both by rapeling down a 400 foot cliff to a picnic down below.
"What is up with the Fear Factor dating on this season?" wonders KMu for All Of Us.
The only interesting thing we learn during this date, is that Pringles was a male cheerleader in high school. And also, he feels like their little adventure was "rewarding for" Desiree WSBB.
ABe: "Rewarding because she got to spend time with him? "
KMu: "I just want to say, this has been a really rewarding two hours for everyone."
We drink more wine.
This date continues in a teepee. Pringles is wearing the Ugliest Sweater Known to HumanKind. We don't even know how to describe this sweater, which looks like Pringles hung giant candy canes around his neck from far away, but looks like he got mud on it up close. And we are sorry, gentle readers, but we truly stopped listening for the rest of this date, because we were That Tired. All we caught was something about Desiree living in a tent and then a trailer as a kid because her parents didn't have money.
"Looking back, do you think your dad felt pressure?" asks Pringles.
We are mad at this question. We are mad at the exclusion of Desiree's mother. We are mad at Pringles for even ASKING if a parent felt pressure after this woman just told him that it was not a lifestyle decision. We hope the dreamcatchers hanging behind Pringles hit him in the head.
Desiree WSBB gets the rose on this date.
And finally, we are at the rose ceremony. Tierra is wearing a mullet dress with a kitty loosely hanging around her neck. This fur piece seriously looks like something that belongs in This Viewer's shoe polish kit. But the real story is that Princess Jasmine pulls Pringles aside, announces that kissing on national television will bring "shame upon my culture" . . and then does it anyway. We think this is only going to end badly fro PJ. But it also cannot possibly end well for the PK, who brings out a gray silk blindfold and begs Pringles to lead her anywhere in a jacked-up Trust Exercise. Dammit. We though 50 Shades was eliminated. And also, we are having difficulty appreciating PK's Big Life Journey Towards Letting Go.
"All of these women need therapy," says KMu.
And in the end, to join Desiree WSBB, Hillshire, and the Democrat with roses, Pringles picks;
1. General's Daughter
2. PK, and . .
3. Tierra.
We think Princess Jasmine probably feels like a damn fool. As she and Drunken Daniella go home, we wonder who will be eliminated next week . . . in St. Croix.
Stay with me, babies. We're heading towards the finish line.
-KLo.
Pringles is wandering among the rocks and shale, moodily brooding over whether his Wife Is Here because the week in Montana went so badly. We admire the beauty of Banff National Park. We wonder if Pringles got all of his clothes for this episode from Land's End. We like the End, but sometimes the men's sweaters remind This Viewer of her old gym teacher, who was a former chip-n-dale dancer before the Midwest swallowed him.
Blah blah the PK is talking about tension in the house, and if we have to hear one more word about Tierra This Viewer Is Going To Start Throwing Things. Blessedly, the first date card arrives, and it is for Hillshire: "Let's find our fairy tale." Great.
We next see Hillshire standing on a frozen tundra by herself, inadequately dressed as ice and snow starts to blow in off the mountains. A few years ago (and babies, we are mean four years), this viewer bought a ski mask. And we really didn't care if said masks are only intended for boys under the age of 5 or Thugs Too Cheap to Spring for Pantyhose. We wore that mask with abandon to work, to the grocery, and unashamedly pulled that shit down over our face when we could not find our car in the parking lot because 45 minutes is Too Long To Be Expected to Remember Such Items. We did this because it was 20 below zero with windchill. But here is Hillshire, in little boots and jeggings and a fashion coat.
"That girl looks 12 years old," says KMu. "Her mother should have told her not to go out without mittens. Probably with those clippy thingies on them that attach to the coat."
"I need clippy thingies," says This Viewer.
"That is a different discussion," says KMu.
Soon Pringles pulls up in a giant tour bus. They are going Into the Wilds, Jurassic-Park style!! Suddenly, Hillshire is in an orange jumpsuit, and we cannot quite adequately describe how miserable these two human beings look. By this point, it is raining ice and snow sideways. Pringles' hair is white with ice. His face is the color of Hillshire's jumpsuit. Hillshire's face is bright pink. And yet they are doing cartwheels, snow angels, sledding, walking on their hands, and then . . . drinking hot chocolate in an outdoor picnic. In a blizzard. "I haven't had hot chocolate since I was 4 years old!" says Hillshire. Nine years goes by fast, Hillshire. And also, this looks horrible and not fun.
But Pringles has more *fun* in store for Hillshire. One hard edit later, and we are watching Hillshire descend the staircase at Chateau Lake Louise in (wait for it). . a tank top, chiffon white skirt, and summer sweater. "Let's go back outside into the freezing cold!" says Pringles. Hillshire is game, and the two soon climb into a waiting horse-drawn carriage. Hillshire is swept away with The Romance, but all this viewer can think about is a few unfortunate days on Mackinac Island, a land without cars, surrounded by horse crap and fudge. Babies, you do not want to ride a bicycle after a rain over there, unless you have a good bumper on your back tire, or the back of your shirt will look like a horse shit sideways.
Pringles leads Hillshire to an Ice Castle In the Ice for drinks and canoodling. The brain of this Viewer, which still has not gotten over how inadequately dressed Hillshire is, sputters to a halt. And then, we see it: THE KITTY. But not just any kitty, for it is, in the words of KMu:
"A kitty couch."
"A Kitty on ice."
"A Kitty in her lap through the window."
Let's just sit with that for a minute. And Hillshire is game for sitting, as she nestles into The Kitty and tells a sad story about this one time, at summer camp at age 12 (so yesterday), a girl in front of her was killed by a falling tree on a hike. This is legitimately awful, and we feel bad for her. This experience apparently chrystalized her desire to have a family and not take things for granted in life, and she wants to be with Pringles because he appears to have the same goals. We think Hillshire is well-spoken. Or as Pringles sees it: "sexy, intelligent, funny" and he is "crazy about her" (because we haven't heard that before). She gets the rose.
Back at the ranch, date card #2 has arrived: "Let's bare ourselves." And it is for: Tierra, Squints, the PK, the General's Daughter, Princess Jasmine, the Democrat, and Drunk Daniella (who is upset because she's never gotten a 1:1 date).
Pringles is hoping to avoid drama on this date, which is about the stupidest thing this viewer has ever heard. And we realize that this is the date that is supposed to be the Big Dramatic Thing That is Forcing Us All To Watch Two More Hours of the Bachelor, but we are unmoved. This is what happens:
Pringles has the fun idea of making the women canoe across Lake Louise. Because that worked well yesterday. As there are six women, they end up three to a canoe plus The Democrat in Pringles' canoe. After a while, Pringles lets Dems stop canoeing -- she can just "sit back and let him be a man." Really? We don't really want to see Pringles stretch out in his underpants and refuse to ask for directions to cross the lake. But the Democrat is thrilled with this turn of events. The others are, naturally, annoyed.
When they get to the other side (there is a joke in here somewhere), Pringles announces that they are going to have a once-in-a-lifetime experience: taking the Polar Bear Plunge by jumping into Lake Louise. A sour-faced 18 year old lifeguard and an EMT are on site in case anyone has a problem. A few of the women are excited, but This Viewer personally enjoys Princess Jasmine's reaction the best:
Pringles: "You don't have to do this, but its a once in a life time opportunity!!"
PJ: "No it's not. I can come back here and do this any time. I just don't want to."
Princess Jasmine, for the win.
The next 15 minutes is blacked out by skreetching. The last words we hear are from Drunk Daniella: "Sean is hot. I'm hot. Let's go be hot and cold together." And then "IEIEISIIIIEIEIEIEIEI!!!!!" until suddenly, and we know this is a Completely Unexpected Turn of Events, Tierra pretends to have hypothermia. Oh! She is dying!!! Oh!! Her mascara is running !! She is carried into a wheelchair!! She is wheeled back to the ranch!! She makes the EMT put socks on her feet while she eats a sandwich and then helps herself to an oxygen tube.
Desiree Who Should Be Black and Hillshire, watching this all go down from the balcony of their suite, wonder who this possibly could be, and if one woman is down, how are the others? They are perfectly fine. And also, Hillshire just spent an entire afternoon literally wearing no pants in the snow and ice, and she is fine. We are so tired of this. But Pringles is not, as he comes to visit Tierra in her bed before leaving for the rest of the group date.
At this point, we feel as though this group date is 800 years long. We sit through a variety of 1:1 times, as Pringles tells The Democrat how much he "appreciates" her and Squints tells Pringles all about her family. The General's Daughter tries to have an actual conversation with Pringles instead of just kissing him all the time, the women all seem to be getting along, and then. . . Tierra puts her allegedly frozen feet into heels, cakes on the slap, sprays herself with perfume, and waltzes in. Crickets. Pringles is happy to see her, but Thank God Almighty, The Democrat gets the rose on this date.
Finally, we are at date #3, with Desiree WSBB. The date card? "Don't be scared . . . to fall in love." Except before this date, Pringles dumps Squints!!! And for the first time, we think Squints handles this gracefully. She has the Ugly Cry and admits that she feels embarrassed after Pringles leaves her, but she says all the right things and wishes him the best before doing so. Squints, we hope you find love somewhere Not on reality tv that always edits you to make you sound like you're obsessed with having one arm.
Back we go to the date with Desiree WSBB. They are hiking in the wilderness, and DWSBB feels like they are the "only two people in the world," and then Pringles promptly tries to annihilate them both by rapeling down a 400 foot cliff to a picnic down below.
"What is up with the Fear Factor dating on this season?" wonders KMu for All Of Us.
The only interesting thing we learn during this date, is that Pringles was a male cheerleader in high school. And also, he feels like their little adventure was "rewarding for" Desiree WSBB.
ABe: "Rewarding because she got to spend time with him? "
KMu: "I just want to say, this has been a really rewarding two hours for everyone."
We drink more wine.
This date continues in a teepee. Pringles is wearing the Ugliest Sweater Known to HumanKind. We don't even know how to describe this sweater, which looks like Pringles hung giant candy canes around his neck from far away, but looks like he got mud on it up close. And we are sorry, gentle readers, but we truly stopped listening for the rest of this date, because we were That Tired. All we caught was something about Desiree living in a tent and then a trailer as a kid because her parents didn't have money.
"Looking back, do you think your dad felt pressure?" asks Pringles.
We are mad at this question. We are mad at the exclusion of Desiree's mother. We are mad at Pringles for even ASKING if a parent felt pressure after this woman just told him that it was not a lifestyle decision. We hope the dreamcatchers hanging behind Pringles hit him in the head.
Desiree WSBB gets the rose on this date.
And finally, we are at the rose ceremony. Tierra is wearing a mullet dress with a kitty loosely hanging around her neck. This fur piece seriously looks like something that belongs in This Viewer's shoe polish kit. But the real story is that Princess Jasmine pulls Pringles aside, announces that kissing on national television will bring "shame upon my culture" . . and then does it anyway. We think this is only going to end badly fro PJ. But it also cannot possibly end well for the PK, who brings out a gray silk blindfold and begs Pringles to lead her anywhere in a jacked-up Trust Exercise. Dammit. We though 50 Shades was eliminated. And also, we are having difficulty appreciating PK's Big Life Journey Towards Letting Go.
"All of these women need therapy," says KMu.
And in the end, to join Desiree WSBB, Hillshire, and the Democrat with roses, Pringles picks;
1. General's Daughter
2. PK, and . .
3. Tierra.
We think Princess Jasmine probably feels like a damn fool. As she and Drunken Daniella go home, we wonder who will be eliminated next week . . . in St. Croix.
Stay with me, babies. We're heading towards the finish line.
-KLo.
posted by KLo @ 5:41 AM
1 Comments:
Sleep depravation adds a nice edge to BNU. An edge that ABC can't quite create this season. I will say though that for the first time in many seasons, I can't pick a sure favorite to land in the winners circle. As a result, I will keep watching. I agree that all Bachelor contestants needs therapy, as I think that I need therapy for continuing to watch this show season after season.
Thanks for another funny blog...CPa
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