Desiree WSBB Part 2: Vanilla Ice Ice Baby
"Can we just acknowledge that the background of the Bachelorette image this season is a bed sheet?" asks KMu as This Viewer Prepares Herself for the next few hours of Terror. "Not roses, or little rickey in the weeds, but an honest to god bed sheet. I appreciate the candor of that." Truer words have not been spoken on a Monday night.
So the guys, who are still too many to remember, have all piled into their new and very turquoise house, in order to hear the good news from Chris Harrison: There will be two 1:1 dates and one group date this week. Oooooo. Except we didn't really hear this and only figured it out later in the evening as the dates unfolded because we were Too Busy Trying to Figure Out Why Chris Harrison would be Wearing His Pajamas to Make This Announcement.
"Hey Burt, wanna play with pigeons?" says KMu.
No, Ernie, we want to all cry into our wine and then go to sleep.
The first date card goes to Brooks Brothers! "I'm waiting for a sign," says it. As he twitters with excitement, we have a hard edit to Desiree WSBB sketching dresses at a desk because she is, after all, an Aspiring Wedding Dress Designer. Soon she is putting on more makeup and what really might as well be a painted-on outfit, and we at the BNU are moaning over how the Des of this season is not the Des of last season. Lo, for This Des is wearing fake eyelashes, appears to have had her bottom ribs surgically removed, and cannot seem to stop wearing Rubber And/Or Spandex Items Masquerading as Clothing.
Blah blah she comes to pick Brooks Brothers up and the other guys are jealous. Hot Fuzz doesn't even want to go out to see the car depart with them in it. John Boy Walton doesn't want Brooks Brothers to get a rose because he's "nice, gen-u-INE, but not me." We don't really like John Boy. But the real story is Super White Black Man, not for his content, but for his window dressing:
"There are literally other guys in that room that are darker than him," laments ABe.
"And to clarify, everyone else is white," acknowledges KMu.
Sigh.
Off we go with Brooks Brothers to . . where else . . .a wedding dress shop. This is creepy. They try on a bunch of outfits and laugh at themselves (ha ha, you put on a green tux! ha ha you keep putting on wedding dresses and asking me what I think!), and we cannot quite shake the feeling like this is one of those first date faux pas like asking the dude when y'all are going to have children in between the soup and salad. Brooks Brothers appears to survive, and soon they depart dressed like cake toppers. Desiree "Feels like a newlywed!" Yikes.
So the best part of the next little scene, which is a frolic through LA, is that some random woman sees Desiree WSBB and her swain dressed in wedding gear and stopping at a cupcake stand, and completely has a fan melt down. We would Be That Woman, only for totally different reasons. We re-formulate our plans to somehow get into the audience at the Men Tell All.
The next stop for our Happy Couple is hiking up to the Hollywood sign. In wedding clothes. With a backpack. "Isn't it beautiful," Desiree WSBB exclaims as she looks out over the smog of LA. "I feel like I'm in a fairy tale!" [everybody drink].
As they talk, Desiree WSBB shares her love of the Hollywood Sign and What It Represents: "To me, it just represents everyone who is willing to come here for an opportunity to pursue their dreams."
Yes, the Hollywood Sign IS, in fact, the Ellis Island of the west coast.
As the music swells, KMu plays EMu's baby cymbals and we watch Brooks Brothers kiss Desiree WSBB. And though we haven't said it, and despite his mashity face, we actually like Brooks Brothers. He's reasonably articulate and open, and talks about opportunities and love but not in a Way that Dings the Ick Meter. And soon, he has survived long enough to make it to dinner.
Let's talk about dinner. Brooks Brothers is "nervous, because we are driving to this place with graffiti, and razor blades on the walls" and then they go to a dead end of a street, and then they move the barriers, and Desiree WSBB drives her luxury car onto a bridge and surprise! It is awash in Barney purple! There are chandeliers hanging down! What could be more romantic than a dinner on a bridge in the middle of the freeway? We conclude that it would be f*ing cold. And also, people have probably jumped from that bridge, maybe during this show. And also, the purple mood lighting is supposed to be romantic, but just makes This Viewer Feel Tired.
Blah blah they talk about their families, and Brooks Brothers talks about his parents' divorce when he was 13 and how that impacted his relationship with his father. And then he says to the camera that no matter what happens, he's just going to be exactly who he is in this process for better or worse, and suddenly we like Brooks Brothers even more. We wish he would cut his hair, but we could always make that happen with some whiskey and a knife.
As the date winds to an end, Brooks Brothers gets the rose! They skamper off to the *other* side of the bridge, where "Andy Grammer and his band" have set up to play a private concert, and an oriental rug has been laid across the highway for dancing. We have no idea who Andy Grammer is until we recognize one time-worn hit, but the main story here is that Brooks Brothers and Desiree WSBB are really bad dancers. We are pretty sure Brooks Brothers would dislocate his partner's shoulder, if not his own, trying to turn her.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, another date card has come. And we don't exactly know who this is for, but it includes at least Dan, Juan Ton, Abs, Super White Black Man, Hashtag, Brian, Drew, Hot Fuzz, James, Wishbone, the other Zack, Brandon (who is interchangeable with Drew for This Viewer), and John Boy.
"Who is here for the right reasons?" asks the Date Card. [everybody drink].
Suddenly we are on the date, and Desiree WSBB is meeting the men at a very nice house surrounded by luxury cars. She is wearing a fuschia spandex bandaid dress with cut out shoulders, which all of us seriously hate. But we suddenly do not care because OH. MY. GOD. They are doing a RAP video. Complete with a bona fide rapper (Soulja Boy) and a choreographer (Konec). Who are the only POC present, other than Super White Black Man.
So, when This Viewer was young, we, too, were an Aspiring Rapper. In fact, we wrote a rather lengthy "Baryshnikov Rap" with our friend RMi. Which included the following:
[cue terrible beatbox sounds made by 9 year old girl]:
There was a dude.
From Russia he defected.
New York City.
He e-ffected [uh-huh, uh-huh].
He was an awesome dancer.
Might even call him rad.
In Michael's Jackson's terms.
You'd just call him "bad."
There was BADASSERY going on in This Viewer's mind, babies. BADASSERY and RAP STYLINGS. we thank the good lord that there was no Youtube when This Viewer was little.
So the rap they are doing is called "For the Right Reasons [everybody drink]" And to warm them up, Soulja Boy has the guys practice their own rhymes:
"Des is so fine
I wish she was mine
I hope she'll be my valentine" says HashTag.
"My name is Michael.
I'm hear for the right reasons.
I'm ready to commit to Des.
For all the four seasons," says Hot Fuzz.
We are So Excited. And then, choreographer Konec takes it up to 11 for this Viewer when he makes them dance. And Super White Black Man cannot dance. At All.
In anguish, ABe screams from the couch: "HOLY F*CKING SHIT THIS IS MY AFGHAN MOMENT MAKE IT STOP RIGHT NOW."
But it Only Gets Better for this Viewer, who has emerged from behind the pillow that had been substituting for an Afghan Barrier Between Us and the Television, and is now watching the awesomeness that is ABC teaching these men little rhymes about past contestants:
"I'm your night in shining armor.
I'll guard and protect your heart.
[something something something]
I put a tattoo on my man part." sings Brandon. Who is NOT WEARING PANTS.
HashTag is beside himself. "OMG, you are Kasey Kale!" he breathes.
Stop the Presses. As KMu duly notes, even We at the BNU would not know Kasey's last name from season Ally. "Is HashTag a Fan Boy?" queries KMu.
Suddenly, an alarming number of men are recognizing prior contestants from seasons that are seriously a long time ago.
And then Desiree shows up for the first video shoot. In Daisy Dukes, a cowboy hat, and a micro denim vest opened to the navel for good measure.
"That denim vest would fit one of my boobs and still not close" mutters KMu.
That denim vest would come No Where Near This Viewer's Person, we silently vow.
Just like that, we are plunged into the music video:
"My manager sent me to promote my single.
I'll sing it to you girl, if it will help my jingle.
[something something something]
[something] . . love don't come easy," croons John Boy channeling Wes of season we don't even remember.
And then Hot Fuzz is awesome. Except its Mikey T the plumber who is awesome, as he is playing a child while Hot Fuzz "raps:"
"I'm just a single dad making you think its all fine;
I propose one day and the next day I change my mind.
I cry so much, it will make you sick. . .
Oh wait, it's a Mesnick!" sings Hot Fuzz, channeling Big Daddy of season Big Daddy.
We would like to point out that we live shockingly close to Hot Fuzz's collegiate alma mater, which may be closes that this Viewer ever gets to knowing a contestant on this show. We feel gleeful.
And then Brandon is rapping in all of his naked pantslessness about tattoos and man parts, and then Desiree WSBB sums up what We Have All Been Thinking (All of Us) this evening:
"Just from what I've seen today, there is A LOT of guys who are marriage material here."
Just like that, this Viewer Cannot Stop Laughing.
While we fully intend to watch the whole video at ABC's website, possibly several times, we have transitioned from the video set to an afterparty, and are plunged head first into 1:1 times. Abs, who steals Desiree WSBB away first, surprises us. He says that he went to an antique store and found an old journal that had never been written in, but that had an inscription from a dad to his daughter: "May the words flow from your pen filled with emotion from your heart. Love always."
ABe and KMu think this is a terrible gift, but this Viewer secretly loves it. We once had an aspiring boyfriend leave us a love note saying "may the words flow through you like jello," and we think that Abs' journal is a step up from there.
At any rate, we don't quite know what to make of Abs and his Surprising Unanticipated Depth, until he follows up the gift with:
"If this whole thing works out with us, you can have thoughts."
"You can have Thoughts?????" says Abe. We confess that she has a point.
The rest of this evening goes as follows: Mikey T and James, who is seriously like a giant beefy slab of manscaping, twitter to all the other men about how John Boy is there for the Wrong Reasons [everybody drink]. Meanwhile, John Boy sweeps Desiree aside for some 1:1 time by THE KITTY [hurrah, it is back!!], talks about his son some more, and then kisses her. Brandon, lurking in the shadows, sees this and is devastated because John Boy is not Here for the Right Reasons [everybody drink] and Brandon is overwhelmed by the feelings he suddenly has for Desiree after one date. Hot Fuzz steps in and reassures Desiree that he, too, is there for the Right Reasons [everybody drink]. Brandon continues to shadow Desiree WSBB until he finally works up the courage to talk to her, and then pours out his soul about how his dad left when he was five, his mom was a drug addict, and he, as the oldest child, basically raised his two younger siblings from age 11 on. But "if all of this works out, I just want to come home to you. And to love you and be with you the rest of my life." We think there is a confrontation in here with John Boy and the other guys, but really we are too tired and it is too boring to confirm.
Our heart breaks for Brandon, who is very sweet but appears to have some issues. "It's either therapy or the Bachelorette," notes KMu, picking up the thread from the BNU's discussion group last season.
The worst part of all of this is that John Boy gets the rose on the group date.
While this drama is unfolding, date card #3 comes for Bryden the army vet: "Road Trip," is all that it says.
The short of it is that we like Bryden. We didn't expect to, but we do. He has a haircut like Caesar, but he seems to be rather unobtrusive and calm. And also, he seems to be respectful. We don't see a tremendous amount of this date, which is basically driving along the California coast line stopping for snacks, for a failed attempt to fly a kite, to pointlessly run through an orange grove (who doesn't like doing that?), and to have dinner at a spa. During dinner, Bryden/Caesar then tells a story about a horrible car accident he was in during his first year of college, and how he nearly died, and how he built himself back up to be able to join the military (his life long dream). He confesses that previously, he had used the military as an excuse to avoid relationships, but that now he feels ready. And we believe him.
"Okay, this is the part where you kiss her!" heckles this viewer.
We at the BNU are suddenly worried that Caesar is about to be friend-zoned.
And then we see them heading towards a pool.
"Yeah, they'll kiss," says KMu.
And with some coaxing from Desiree WSBB, it happens and It Is Not Gross!
Yay for Caesar! Desiree gives unto him what he is due: A Rose.
And at last, it is the rose ceremony. It is more drama and challenging of John Boy for his intentions when he swoops in on Hot Fuzz just as the Fuzziness is revealing that he has Type 1 diabetes, and then creepily says that he and Desiree share a "secret" that they supposedly had the first kiss (except they didn't), which he says in such a way that we feel like he is the pervy uncle.
But the Thing We Cannot Get Past is Desiree WSBB's dress. It is like a mermaid fish tail. And also, so tight that when she turns around, we can see the complete outline of Her Buttocks And All Cracks Associated Therewith:
We at the BNU are horrified by this dress, though it apparently proves no obstacle for the menfolk.
In the end, she picks to join Brooks Brothers, John Boy, and Caesar with roses:
1. James of the big beefy beefiness. Really?
2. HashTag. REALLY?
3. Dan. Who is this?
4. Juan Ton - whom she speaks to in espanol.
5. Wishbone.
6. Chris.
7. Brian. Financial adviser whom we now think is creepy.
8. Abs.
9. Drew.
10. Mikey T the Plumber.
11. Other Zack.
12. Hot Fuzz
13. Brandon.
Aaaaand, Super White Black GUy, the guy with the eyebrows, and some other dude we can't remember get the axe!
Stay tuned for next week, in which we think someone goes to the hospital!!!
-KLo.
So the guys, who are still too many to remember, have all piled into their new and very turquoise house, in order to hear the good news from Chris Harrison: There will be two 1:1 dates and one group date this week. Oooooo. Except we didn't really hear this and only figured it out later in the evening as the dates unfolded because we were Too Busy Trying to Figure Out Why Chris Harrison would be Wearing His Pajamas to Make This Announcement.
"Hey Burt, wanna play with pigeons?" says KMu.
No, Ernie, we want to all cry into our wine and then go to sleep.
The first date card goes to Brooks Brothers! "I'm waiting for a sign," says it. As he twitters with excitement, we have a hard edit to Desiree WSBB sketching dresses at a desk because she is, after all, an Aspiring Wedding Dress Designer. Soon she is putting on more makeup and what really might as well be a painted-on outfit, and we at the BNU are moaning over how the Des of this season is not the Des of last season. Lo, for This Des is wearing fake eyelashes, appears to have had her bottom ribs surgically removed, and cannot seem to stop wearing Rubber And/Or Spandex Items Masquerading as Clothing.
Blah blah she comes to pick Brooks Brothers up and the other guys are jealous. Hot Fuzz doesn't even want to go out to see the car depart with them in it. John Boy Walton doesn't want Brooks Brothers to get a rose because he's "nice, gen-u-INE, but not me." We don't really like John Boy. But the real story is Super White Black Man, not for his content, but for his window dressing:
"There are literally other guys in that room that are darker than him," laments ABe.
"And to clarify, everyone else is white," acknowledges KMu.
Sigh.
Off we go with Brooks Brothers to . . where else . . .a wedding dress shop. This is creepy. They try on a bunch of outfits and laugh at themselves (ha ha, you put on a green tux! ha ha you keep putting on wedding dresses and asking me what I think!), and we cannot quite shake the feeling like this is one of those first date faux pas like asking the dude when y'all are going to have children in between the soup and salad. Brooks Brothers appears to survive, and soon they depart dressed like cake toppers. Desiree "Feels like a newlywed!" Yikes.
So the best part of the next little scene, which is a frolic through LA, is that some random woman sees Desiree WSBB and her swain dressed in wedding gear and stopping at a cupcake stand, and completely has a fan melt down. We would Be That Woman, only for totally different reasons. We re-formulate our plans to somehow get into the audience at the Men Tell All.
The next stop for our Happy Couple is hiking up to the Hollywood sign. In wedding clothes. With a backpack. "Isn't it beautiful," Desiree WSBB exclaims as she looks out over the smog of LA. "I feel like I'm in a fairy tale!" [everybody drink].
As they talk, Desiree WSBB shares her love of the Hollywood Sign and What It Represents: "To me, it just represents everyone who is willing to come here for an opportunity to pursue their dreams."
Yes, the Hollywood Sign IS, in fact, the Ellis Island of the west coast.
As the music swells, KMu plays EMu's baby cymbals and we watch Brooks Brothers kiss Desiree WSBB. And though we haven't said it, and despite his mashity face, we actually like Brooks Brothers. He's reasonably articulate and open, and talks about opportunities and love but not in a Way that Dings the Ick Meter. And soon, he has survived long enough to make it to dinner.
Let's talk about dinner. Brooks Brothers is "nervous, because we are driving to this place with graffiti, and razor blades on the walls" and then they go to a dead end of a street, and then they move the barriers, and Desiree WSBB drives her luxury car onto a bridge and surprise! It is awash in Barney purple! There are chandeliers hanging down! What could be more romantic than a dinner on a bridge in the middle of the freeway? We conclude that it would be f*ing cold. And also, people have probably jumped from that bridge, maybe during this show. And also, the purple mood lighting is supposed to be romantic, but just makes This Viewer Feel Tired.
Blah blah they talk about their families, and Brooks Brothers talks about his parents' divorce when he was 13 and how that impacted his relationship with his father. And then he says to the camera that no matter what happens, he's just going to be exactly who he is in this process for better or worse, and suddenly we like Brooks Brothers even more. We wish he would cut his hair, but we could always make that happen with some whiskey and a knife.
As the date winds to an end, Brooks Brothers gets the rose! They skamper off to the *other* side of the bridge, where "Andy Grammer and his band" have set up to play a private concert, and an oriental rug has been laid across the highway for dancing. We have no idea who Andy Grammer is until we recognize one time-worn hit, but the main story here is that Brooks Brothers and Desiree WSBB are really bad dancers. We are pretty sure Brooks Brothers would dislocate his partner's shoulder, if not his own, trying to turn her.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, another date card has come. And we don't exactly know who this is for, but it includes at least Dan, Juan Ton, Abs, Super White Black Man, Hashtag, Brian, Drew, Hot Fuzz, James, Wishbone, the other Zack, Brandon (who is interchangeable with Drew for This Viewer), and John Boy.
"Who is here for the right reasons?" asks the Date Card. [everybody drink].
Suddenly we are on the date, and Desiree WSBB is meeting the men at a very nice house surrounded by luxury cars. She is wearing a fuschia spandex bandaid dress with cut out shoulders, which all of us seriously hate. But we suddenly do not care because OH. MY. GOD. They are doing a RAP video. Complete with a bona fide rapper (Soulja Boy) and a choreographer (Konec). Who are the only POC present, other than Super White Black Man.
So, when This Viewer was young, we, too, were an Aspiring Rapper. In fact, we wrote a rather lengthy "Baryshnikov Rap" with our friend RMi. Which included the following:
[cue terrible beatbox sounds made by 9 year old girl]:
There was a dude.
From Russia he defected.
New York City.
He e-ffected [uh-huh, uh-huh].
He was an awesome dancer.
Might even call him rad.
In Michael's Jackson's terms.
You'd just call him "bad."
There was BADASSERY going on in This Viewer's mind, babies. BADASSERY and RAP STYLINGS. we thank the good lord that there was no Youtube when This Viewer was little.
So the rap they are doing is called "For the Right Reasons [everybody drink]" And to warm them up, Soulja Boy has the guys practice their own rhymes:
"Des is so fine
I wish she was mine
I hope she'll be my valentine" says HashTag.
"My name is Michael.
I'm hear for the right reasons.
I'm ready to commit to Des.
For all the four seasons," says Hot Fuzz.
We are So Excited. And then, choreographer Konec takes it up to 11 for this Viewer when he makes them dance. And Super White Black Man cannot dance. At All.
In anguish, ABe screams from the couch: "HOLY F*CKING SHIT THIS IS MY AFGHAN MOMENT MAKE IT STOP RIGHT NOW."
But it Only Gets Better for this Viewer, who has emerged from behind the pillow that had been substituting for an Afghan Barrier Between Us and the Television, and is now watching the awesomeness that is ABC teaching these men little rhymes about past contestants:
"I'm your night in shining armor.
I'll guard and protect your heart.
[something something something]
I put a tattoo on my man part." sings Brandon. Who is NOT WEARING PANTS.
HashTag is beside himself. "OMG, you are Kasey Kale!" he breathes.
Stop the Presses. As KMu duly notes, even We at the BNU would not know Kasey's last name from season Ally. "Is HashTag a Fan Boy?" queries KMu.
Suddenly, an alarming number of men are recognizing prior contestants from seasons that are seriously a long time ago.
And then Desiree shows up for the first video shoot. In Daisy Dukes, a cowboy hat, and a micro denim vest opened to the navel for good measure.
"That denim vest would fit one of my boobs and still not close" mutters KMu.
That denim vest would come No Where Near This Viewer's Person, we silently vow.
Just like that, we are plunged into the music video:
"My manager sent me to promote my single.
I'll sing it to you girl, if it will help my jingle.
[something something something]
[something] . . love don't come easy," croons John Boy channeling Wes of season we don't even remember.
And then Hot Fuzz is awesome. Except its Mikey T the plumber who is awesome, as he is playing a child while Hot Fuzz "raps:"
"I'm just a single dad making you think its all fine;
I propose one day and the next day I change my mind.
I cry so much, it will make you sick. . .
Oh wait, it's a Mesnick!" sings Hot Fuzz, channeling Big Daddy of season Big Daddy.
We would like to point out that we live shockingly close to Hot Fuzz's collegiate alma mater, which may be closes that this Viewer ever gets to knowing a contestant on this show. We feel gleeful.
And then Brandon is rapping in all of his naked pantslessness about tattoos and man parts, and then Desiree WSBB sums up what We Have All Been Thinking (All of Us) this evening:
"Just from what I've seen today, there is A LOT of guys who are marriage material here."
Just like that, this Viewer Cannot Stop Laughing.
While we fully intend to watch the whole video at ABC's website, possibly several times, we have transitioned from the video set to an afterparty, and are plunged head first into 1:1 times. Abs, who steals Desiree WSBB away first, surprises us. He says that he went to an antique store and found an old journal that had never been written in, but that had an inscription from a dad to his daughter: "May the words flow from your pen filled with emotion from your heart. Love always."
ABe and KMu think this is a terrible gift, but this Viewer secretly loves it. We once had an aspiring boyfriend leave us a love note saying "may the words flow through you like jello," and we think that Abs' journal is a step up from there.
At any rate, we don't quite know what to make of Abs and his Surprising Unanticipated Depth, until he follows up the gift with:
"If this whole thing works out with us, you can have thoughts."
"You can have Thoughts?????" says Abe. We confess that she has a point.
The rest of this evening goes as follows: Mikey T and James, who is seriously like a giant beefy slab of manscaping, twitter to all the other men about how John Boy is there for the Wrong Reasons [everybody drink]. Meanwhile, John Boy sweeps Desiree aside for some 1:1 time by THE KITTY [hurrah, it is back!!], talks about his son some more, and then kisses her. Brandon, lurking in the shadows, sees this and is devastated because John Boy is not Here for the Right Reasons [everybody drink] and Brandon is overwhelmed by the feelings he suddenly has for Desiree after one date. Hot Fuzz steps in and reassures Desiree that he, too, is there for the Right Reasons [everybody drink]. Brandon continues to shadow Desiree WSBB until he finally works up the courage to talk to her, and then pours out his soul about how his dad left when he was five, his mom was a drug addict, and he, as the oldest child, basically raised his two younger siblings from age 11 on. But "if all of this works out, I just want to come home to you. And to love you and be with you the rest of my life." We think there is a confrontation in here with John Boy and the other guys, but really we are too tired and it is too boring to confirm.
Our heart breaks for Brandon, who is very sweet but appears to have some issues. "It's either therapy or the Bachelorette," notes KMu, picking up the thread from the BNU's discussion group last season.
The worst part of all of this is that John Boy gets the rose on the group date.
While this drama is unfolding, date card #3 comes for Bryden the army vet: "Road Trip," is all that it says.
The short of it is that we like Bryden. We didn't expect to, but we do. He has a haircut like Caesar, but he seems to be rather unobtrusive and calm. And also, he seems to be respectful. We don't see a tremendous amount of this date, which is basically driving along the California coast line stopping for snacks, for a failed attempt to fly a kite, to pointlessly run through an orange grove (who doesn't like doing that?), and to have dinner at a spa. During dinner, Bryden/Caesar then tells a story about a horrible car accident he was in during his first year of college, and how he nearly died, and how he built himself back up to be able to join the military (his life long dream). He confesses that previously, he had used the military as an excuse to avoid relationships, but that now he feels ready. And we believe him.
"Okay, this is the part where you kiss her!" heckles this viewer.
We at the BNU are suddenly worried that Caesar is about to be friend-zoned.
And then we see them heading towards a pool.
"Yeah, they'll kiss," says KMu.
And with some coaxing from Desiree WSBB, it happens and It Is Not Gross!
Yay for Caesar! Desiree gives unto him what he is due: A Rose.
And at last, it is the rose ceremony. It is more drama and challenging of John Boy for his intentions when he swoops in on Hot Fuzz just as the Fuzziness is revealing that he has Type 1 diabetes, and then creepily says that he and Desiree share a "secret" that they supposedly had the first kiss (except they didn't), which he says in such a way that we feel like he is the pervy uncle.
But the Thing We Cannot Get Past is Desiree WSBB's dress. It is like a mermaid fish tail. And also, so tight that when she turns around, we can see the complete outline of Her Buttocks And All Cracks Associated Therewith:
We at the BNU are horrified by this dress, though it apparently proves no obstacle for the menfolk.
In the end, she picks to join Brooks Brothers, John Boy, and Caesar with roses:
1. James of the big beefy beefiness. Really?
2. HashTag. REALLY?
3. Dan. Who is this?
4. Juan Ton - whom she speaks to in espanol.
5. Wishbone.
6. Chris.
7. Brian. Financial adviser whom we now think is creepy.
8. Abs.
9. Drew.
10. Mikey T the Plumber.
11. Other Zack.
12. Hot Fuzz
13. Brandon.
Aaaaand, Super White Black GUy, the guy with the eyebrows, and some other dude we can't remember get the axe!
Stay tuned for next week, in which we think someone goes to the hospital!!!
-KLo.
posted by KLo @ 4:53 AM
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