Pringles Part Women Tell All: Hide Your Crazy

Welcome to the Women Tell All, Babies.  Also known as The Most Boring Episode Ever. So, when this Viewer was dancing (like 100 years ago), our partner for a particular piece once told us that he Could Not Rehearse because he had Stabbed Himself In the Hand With a Graphite Pencil.  Yes, Gentle Readers.  He was That Specific.  And we think about that from time to time, particularly last night when we felt the pain of the graphite pencil in our eyeball listening to Chris Harrison.

As the curtains come up on the screaming, crying fans in the audience (and one dude), we don't quite know what to think about this set.  ABe observes that the chairs on which the "ladies" are perched, look like suction cups.  This viewer personally thinks that ABC got their set from either Fox News or a campaign garage sale, as it is all manner of red, white, and blue.   As are the women, inexplicably dressed in Our Lady the Patriot colors, with the exception of a few outlying pinks and purples.  We secretly hope that they start kicking their legs and break into a chorus from the Will Rogers Follies when Pringles comes on stage later on: "Hurray for our favorite son!!!"

So Chris Harrison comes out and talks about visiting Bachelor viewing parties with Pringles in the "Bachelor Party Van."  And suddenly, we are traveling with Pringles and The Harrison to all manner of household and sorority as he "surprises" bachelor viewers everywhere and Pringles takes off his shirt for them. Okay, STOP THE PRESSES.   This Viewer has been having her very own Bachelor Viewing Party since this show's inception.  And admittedly, we may not be as fun as the Gamma Delta sorority or a bunch of teenage girls in the suburbs (ABe is eating sushi with one hairy eyeball on the television, KMu and this viewer are drowning our boredom in vino as GMu the dog snores gently on the sofa), but the BNU staff Still Are Awesome and also, it would be the Best Story Ever if Pringles showed up on our doorstep, Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes Style.

We once again feel sad that we have not accomplished any of our BNU Life Goals:  (1) being the person that fills water glasses or whatever during a rose ceremony, (2) being an audience member on the Women Tell All, and now (3) getting a hilariously awesome visit from Chris Harrison.  We feel sadness that when this show started, we were within the proper age range and fitness level to sneak on this show and Blog It From Within, and now are more closely approaching That Age When One's Skin Starts to Do Weird Shit.   Oh well.

We return to the women perched uncomfortably and the audience in front of them.
"I spy a POC," says KMu.
"No," says this viewer. "That is just an overly aggressive bottle tan."

Blah blah, there are play backs featuring various women:  50 Shades falling on her drunken butt, A. Knox being crazy, and so forth.  And then, The Harrison finally gets started:  "Hey Desiree WSBB, did you anticipate the drama?"
"Do you ever watch this show?" asks ABe.
But apparently Desiree WSBB did not, for she was not prepared for the fireworks.  Unlike The Democrat, who says that she "knew what was about to ensue, but was hoping to remain in the background."  We love the Democrat and wish she were the next Bachelorette.  Although we do wish she would stop wearing bright red lipstick.

Except then we have to talk about Tierra Firma.  A whole bunch.  Chris Harrison wants to know "what was it about Tierra?" Michelle Obama, who has gotten her hair cut and is now looking even more Michelle Obama-y, says something like "cutta bitch."  And Princess Jasmine explains that you "need to hide your crazy" when going on this show. We love Princess Jasmine.  But Chris Harrison will not stop:  "Did Tierra get in the way of all of you?"  "Was it "real or fake with her?"  "What was going on there?"

"He's like Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer," observes KMu.  We interrupt the BNU to watch old SNL clips and giggle.

But surprise!  Tierra is backstage, and now gets to sit for what can only be described as Too Long On Stage.  But as she walks out, ABe gasps:  "What is going on with that dress?  There is a PEEKHOLE."  We rewind.  Babies, this dress is like Pebbles Flintstone grew up to be a stripper.  And also, it has an Under-Jubbly Peekhole, which KMu aptly points out is a "sternum reveal."  This dress makes no sense. And also, it is ugly.

Tierra does a whole bunch of Tierra:  It was so difficult for her on this show because she "lights up a room."  But when people don't give her a chance, her "light doesn't shine."   The girls judged her for what she looks like instead of her "light inside, and also, her morals."   This viewer secretly thinks Tierra must have hidden her light by leaning over it, as that can be the Only Explanation for the Under-Jubbly Sternum Reveal going on here.  But blah blah, she felt a victim of bullying.  She has nothing to regret or apologize for because she didn't say one bad thing about anyone, she has no memory of any of the nastiness that she supposedly instigated, the fight with the PK was all PK's fault, everyone was twisting her words, and she was focusing on "Sean and I's connection."

Okay,even in the world of bad grammar, who says that?  This Viewer is going to go get another cup of I's tea before continuing to sit on I's sofa to write this blog.

And last but not least, Tierra got engaged in January to some other dude and clearly doesn't want to talk about it.  And also, she was Little Miss Nevada as a girl, and that's why she has a "sparkle."  We are exhausted just thinking about this.

Up next is Squints.  An audience members mouths "She was my favorite." We relive Squints' breakup with Pringles. She cries again.  She feels that men secretly don't want to date her because she has one arm.  We think she is likely dating the wrong men.

Next comes Desiree:  Nothing new here, except that we have to re-see that hideous candy-cane sweater Pringles wore on one of their dates.  Did her brother destroy her relationship with Pringles?  Maybe.  Is she at peace with everything?  Yes, now she is.

But then here comes PK, who is clearly NOT at peace.  And also, "she is basically wearing breasts," says ABe.  This dress is a band-aid.  And turquoise.  With some sort of white band at the bottom and black band at the top.  If a Real Human were to wear this dress, there would be All Manner of Spanx involved.   We wonder if PK is wearing spanx or just genetically blessed.  But it really doesn't matter because now she's going on and on about being broken, and how she is really a very "reserved person" who opened up more to Pringles than to anyone.  " I would just like to juxtapose that statement with her dress," says KMu.

So Pringles comes out, and there is awkwardness which may be summed up as:  PK claims he told her that he had no feelings for the other women.  Pringles said he never would have told her that.  PK claims he just doesn't remember.  They have a tense exchange both on and off the camera (which ABC is now leaving on during breaks, apparently to bring viewers Closer To The Show).  In other words:  He said something three months ago that she either misheard or misinterpreted. and now here we are.   We assess Pringles during this moment, and conclude that as much as we hate to admit it, he is actually one of the "least yucky bachelors" we have had in some time, in the words of ABe.

Blah blah, we watch some bloopers, which only cause us once again to wish Le Democrat will be the next Bachelorette.  And then, The Harrison is talking about Pringles "Amazing Journey with Two Women" (everybody drink).  But ominously, he encourages us to tune in next week for the THREE HOUR finale (gasp), so we can "see how this all turns out for Sean."

With that ringing endorsement, we bid adieu until next week.

KLo.