Bachelor News Update

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Pringles Part 7: Tierra Sparkle

Babies, we begin Pringles Part 7 on a sea plane to St. Croix.  Or, as Pringles likes to say:  "It's been a long journey to get to this beautiful, tropical place."  Pringles, you have NO idea.  While the "drama" with Tierra was previously getting to him, his salmon shorts are getting to This Viewer.  Apparently This Viewer is speaking to a wall when we say that we hate these shorts.

But suddenly, we are distracted by the Buccaneer Hotel, which looks *exactly* like the Dirty Dancing set.  Join hands and hearts and voices, babies, voices, hearts and hands. At the BNU all friendships last long, as the mountain stands.  And also, this is apparently where the ladies will be staying.  The PK is all up in her head:  "This 1:1 time is so crucial. I want to be in my swimsuit and see him in his."  Meanwhile, Tierra decides that she doesn't want to play nice with any of the other women, so she drags a cot into the living room to make her bedroom.

Date Card #1 is for the PK!! "Let's get carried away . . ." She thinks this is perfect, as every time she is with Pringles, she gets "carried away, if not physically than emotionally!"  The PK exhausts us.  Except suddenly, we all rally around her because Tierra is saying that the "Cougar is back in town" and that by the time she is 32, she wants to be married and have her family "all set."  Darling, This Viewer wanted that too, but rather than trade life with a peninsular-thinking bonehead in exchange for marriage and family, we chose life.  And it all worked out in the end.  And also, this "Cougar" speaks for all of us when we say that Tierra will no doubt look as Haggity as she perceives the PK to be by the time she is 32, for she is Haggity In. Her. Soul.

So blah blah Pringles picks up the PK for their date, and *surprise* it is on a catamaran that they must swim to!  "Ever since [PK] allowed me to lead her blindfolded in Canada, I've seen a different side of her," declares Pringles.

This viewer just choked on her wine.

But this is Deep and Meaningful.  Pringles and PK do the whole "love will go on" Titanic thingy, and she expresses that she must "open up and trust this foundation" they are building.  Oh, but could all relationships be built upon an excellent foundation of all-expenses paid trips to fabulous locations with a person one only sees once a week!  And also, because this is real life.  But the PK is sounding the death knell for herself, as Pringles asks her about the drama at the house, and she openly discusses Tierra (a/k/a "Pouty Pants").  Pringles is concerned, but not enough to stop from kissing the PK in the sand as the surf rolls in.

KMu:  "Who would want all that sand up in their hooha?"  Not. This. Viewer.

Now we are at dinner, and the PK is having a hard time expressing her Big Dramatic Thing that Will Cause Pringles to Reconsider Everything. . .

Pringes:  "Is there anything else I should know?"
PK: "I do have something to tell you, and it's really hard for me to say . . "
KMu: "Third nipple?"
PK"  Oh gosh, I don't want you to think differently about me . .."
This Viewer: "Secret love child.  Tattoo.  Not really a PK"
ABe: "She's a man."
KMu:  "She's not into dudes."
PK:  "15 years ago, me and my mom were having a difficult time, and I had a boyfriend. . "
This Viewer: "SECRET LOVE CHILD.  and also GRAMMAR RAGE."
PK: "And I got married my junior year of high school.  We broke up by my senior year."

And here is the beauty of being 32.   By the time one is 32, that whole "oops I got married for a nanosecond in high school" should just kind of fade into the category of past embarrassments that happened one time at band camp, which have long since been surpassed by watching one's body slide down the Ravages of Time and onto the Icy Cliffs of Hail Damage, the game of whether one can convince the eye doctor not to prescribe bifocals for *another two years*, and realizing that we wasted  10 years on an unfulfilling career that causes us to have a Secret Love Affair with cheese.

But the PK has not moved past high school. She cries, and doesn't want to be that "broken girl" to him, for she wants to come to Pringles "as whole as she can."  And once again, we are exhausted.  Pringles, on the other hand, is relieved:  "I thought you were going to tell me something terrible," says he.  But now that she has Confessed All, he has "no questions."
KMu:  "This woman just told you that she got married at 17 because she was fighting with her mom, and you have no questions?
ABe:  "The defense rests, your honor."

This date ends with Pringles and PK Oh-Captain-My-Captain-ing it on their dinner chairs, screaming "I love St Croix" and then her screaming in her feathery voice: "I love Sean!!!" Meh.

So while this has been happening, Date Card #2 has arrived, and it is for Tierra.  "Let's explore our love on the streets of St. Croix" says the card.  "I'm excited, but I'm not looking forward to being attacked by bugs, or the sweatiness, or my makeup dripping off.  This is not cool.  I was really hoping for a boating date," says she.

The Democrat, for all of us:  "Tierra is one of the most miserable people I have ever met.  I hate that bitch."

And now here we are, on the street.  Pringles is all "you look so cute today!!" and wonders to the camera if he will see the "sweet girl" he knows and loves, or the "girl that everyone else sees."  Pringles, if you even have to ask yourself that question, you should be running away.

As Tierra twinkles up at Pringles, we are trying to listen, but having such a hard time because it is a STEEL DRUM.  This Viewer cannot abide by a steel drum.  It is worse than the Ultimate Abomination of Music Kind:  the Jazz Flute.  We secretly wish that jazz concerts were advertised with such disclaimers as: "No Jazz Flute Was Used In the Making Up This Set" or "Xylophone Free at 3 pm."  But back to the steel drum:  it will not stop.  And it is seriously distracting all of us at the BNU from Tierra's commentary on how much she "loves shopping" and Pringles knows "just where to take her" -- which is apparently to a stand that sells dried shrimp on a string, masquerading as shell necklaces.

Tierra is all pleased because Pringles buys her an "eternity bracelet" symbolizing eternal love.  We are not pleased because we see a bunch of P.O.Cs, and they are of course either a) street vendors, or b) dressed up in all manner of feather and stilt to dance in a street parade.
"Those crazy black people," mutters ABe.
This Viewer secretly wonders if Cee Lo Green is going to pop out from behind a bush.

Tierra and Pringles munch on snow cones [voice over to how Tierra is miserably hot but not showing it].  Then, Pringles does something stupid:  he mentions that the "other girls" have talked to him about her.  Really, Pringles?  REALLY?  Tierra Firma talks quickly about how she would not present herself any differently if she had this whole experience to do over, and the other "girls" won't be here for long anyway, while not-so-silently also making a list of who she will Cut First.

At dinner, Tierra continues her campaign, noting that "there was a little distant from you" [KMu:  "What?  Distant?"] on their date, and that she feels she is "behind the game."  As she puts the screws to Pringles with a smile on her face and then seals the deal with a whispered "I'm falling for you," KMu speaks for us all:
"While I am disappointed that this apparently still works on Pringles at his age, Tierra is really That Girl from high school."
In the end, Pringles concludes that he has misjudged her, and had an amazing date.  Headdesk.

Back at Kellerman's lodge, date card #3 has now arrived for Hillshire, Desiree Who Should Be Black, and the Genera's Daughter.  "Love is on the horizon" it says.  The Democrat is all happy because this means she has the final 1:1 date.  This viewer is upset because we didn't realize there were four dates on this episode, which will NEVER END.

Pringles begins date #3 by waking the women up at 4:42 a.m. with a camera because he wants to see what they look like without makeup.   Pringles would be in for a sad disappointment with this Viewer, as the last time we wore makeup for any length of time was sophomore year of high school.  That two weeks was just too strenuous to continue such efforts.  But these women are horrified:  they hide their faces, they worry over what Pringles will think.  We secretly think good for him, except bringing a camera was a little shitty.

So Pringles is taking his three lucky ladies on a road trip from coast to coast of St. Croix.   They first watch the sun come up at Point Udall, which is the eastern most point of the US, thereby making them the first four people to watch the sun rise that day.  "It's not every day you get to be the first person to watch the sun rise!"  says Pringles.
Yeah, unless you are a lawyer.  Or writing this damn blog.

Soon, they are cavorting from a stone building at "Sugar Mill" to playing with a donkey at "Cafe" in St. Croix,  and swinging around a giant tree house in . . "Treehouse."  Okay, we secretly wanted to be a member of Swiss Family Robinson as a child, and so it is at this point that This Viewer would bag the Bachelor and just move in.  But the women have other plans, and also, are feeling crotchety that Desiree WSBB keeps stealing all of Pringles' attention.

At last we are on a beach, and we think that the date will soon end because Pringles is now siphoning the women off individually for 1:1 time.  First up is the General's Daughter, who he is "crazy about." [ everybody drink].  Next up is Hillshire, who states that if he is going to meet her family, he should know that her father will not be present because he lives in China now, has struggled with depression, and attempted suicide in front of her at age 14.   We feel bad for Hillshire, who has clearly had a rather tough few years age 12-14, and also appreciate that she was matter-of-fact and not dramatic about it.   Pringles, on the other hand, only thinks of himself:

"Hillshire must have been worried because she sees how strong my relationship is with my father, and was worried that I wouldn't like it if she wasn't close with hers."

Asshat.

After a final 1:1 time with Desiree WSBB, Pringles gives the General's Daughter the one and only rose that will be handed out in this episode prior to the rose ceremony.  His stated reason?  Because she has been "consistent."  Sexy.

We are at last on Pringles' date #4 with the Democrat.  "I hope our love stands the test of time," says the date card.  And just like that, we know she is doomed.  And this is our thing:  We really like the Democrat. Each week, our stock in her soars a little higher, except now she is wearing a white tank top with a salmon micro-mini covered in salmon-colored mullet chiffon.  "You look like a movie star" says Pringles.  We secretly wish they were wearing their salmon bottoms together, because that would be *awesome.*

We don't really know what to say about this date, which is basically picking some avocados and then sitting under a tarp to talk.  Pringles says that their relationship isn't advancing as fast as the others, which is why he wanted this date.  The Democrat, on the other hand, feels things getting stronger between them every date.  We worry for her, and are convinced that she will get The Axe when Pringles states that she still seems nervous to talk to him and won't look him in the eye when they are talking.  Uh oh.  We would fully support The Democrat's run for Bachelorette later in 2013.

And just like that, we are once again at the main event, or what is supposed to be the main event except we are too annoyed/tired to write about it.  Pringles' sister, Shay, comes to visit.  And like our sister Shay-Shay (a/k/a SHa) is wont to do, Shay brings a dose of reality with her.  But not before this happens:

Pringles:  "Shay has a husband and children, which is what I want too."
ABe:  "This show suddenly makes more sense."

So Shay asks Pringles if there is anyone he sees himself with, and he says all six of them.  Which, as KMu sagely puts it, means that none of the remaining women are the right ones for him.  But Shay brings us all back to the task at hand:  "I don't want to be watching this show later on and be like 'don't pick That One,' Sean. . . . only to see you pick That One," otherwise known as The Girl that Everyone Dislikes.  "Good point," says Pringles. "Let me go get Tierra for you to talk to."

As Pringles goes back to the house to pick up Tierra, there is an Epic Battle brewing between PK and Tierra, who feels that PK has sabotaged her.   We don't even know why PK tries, as it will only Bring Down The Pain.  But she does, and soon they are skreetching like two feral racoons, and Tierra is offering Words of Wisdom and Truth Such As But Not Limited To the Following;
1) "Women are just jealous of me.  Men love me."
2) "I know in my own skin that I am not rude."
3) "I cannot control my face."
4) And the winner:  "My parents told me that I have a SPARKLE.  And they told me not to let this take my sparkle away."

To quote on of this viewer's favorite movies, Pam Shore's broken both her legs and Sean wants to dance with you, Tierra.

Pringles walks into the aftermath of this, as the women are all sitting in the living room as Tierra forces fake sobs out of herself from the cot in the corner.  Pringles is at once all concerned: "I don't understand why this is happening."
Tierra:  " This is so hard for me.  I'm so sensitive, and I have such a big heart.  I don't know how to take this whole process.  My date with you was weighing heavily on my heart because I felt that there was a person sabotaging my connection, and that person was PK, who is out to get me."

Give the lady a mike.

But finally, Pringles has had enough.  He says that he is "crazy about her" [everybody drink], and this is why it's time for her to go home now.  Tierra again flips her switch, informing him that she is NOT okay, and that he obviously didn't think enough of her, since he isn't keeping her around.  She cries in the limo about how "they did this to me" and she hopes the "girls got what they wanted."

As Pringles makes it back to Shay to explain how he just let Tierra go, we are simply thankful not to have to watch that brand of crazy for at least the remainder of this season.

At last we are at the rose ceremony.  The PK is wearing an off-the-shoulder yellow dress from about 1985, and Desiree WSBB is wearing a kelly green tablecloth.  Undeterred, and because we could completely see this coming he picks to join the General's daughter with roses:

1.  Desiree WSBB
2.  Hillshire
3.  PK.

Whoa, the Democrat goes home.  But the odd thing is that Hillshire is shattered, saying that if he is sending The Democrat home, who has tons in common with him, what possibly could Pringles want?  We suspect that she is terrified that he may actually want her.

Stay tuned for next week, when we get to meet the families of these fine young ladies.

-KLo








1 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Second the nomination of the Democrat for Bachelorette in 2013. We, too, we discussing that during the show.

9:49 AM  

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