Pringles Part 9: Wild Abandon
As we blaze into Pringles Part 9 (read: bitterly drink wine and wish we were asleep), we are treated to a view of southern Thailand. Pringles is proudly standing at the bow of a little boat, sailing to shore. We simultaneously are grateful to see that he has ditched the pink shorts, and also wonder whether he will turn around to discovery a tiger, leading to an Uneasy Friendship That Will Become Part of His Spiritual Journey.
Oh! But he is Conflicted! He is looking forward to spending time with the three remaining women because he Just. Doesn't. Know. Who. To. Pick!! Could it be Hillshire, with whom he shares "the same morals AND values?" We see a video montage of their various dates, which basically consist of throwing fish at each other, frolicking in the snow, and The Kitty.
Or, could it be "AshLee, not to be confused with Oscar Winner, Ang Lee?" wonders KMu. And here she is, giving the performance of a lifetime with a general discussion of brokenness and abandonment, and crying in her soup about how she never dealt with any of that until Just Now.
"There is always that critical point where the woman could either go to a licensed therapist, or go on reality television," notes KMu. We all share a moment of not-so-quiet reflection on Season Wombat and his made for television "therapist," Jamie Green (a/k/a Jaime Verde, a/k/a the drummer from Go West). We wonder how the King of Wishful Thinking is doing these days, and secretly wish he was counseling the PK.
Finally, could it be the General's Daughter? Who is TWENTY FOUR.
And speak of the devil, off we are to date #1 with the General's Daughter. They are admittedly in a fancity hotel, but they do plan to go out into the streets of Thailand, which is why we cannot understand why the General's Daughter is wearing sky high platform heels with her little short skirt and tank top. This is going to be a painful date for her.
As they climb into a very pink motor rickshaw, This Viewer thinks back on her brief visit to the United Arab Emirates. In which we saw a "Ladies Taxi" that was also painted over with pink. This Viewer would LOVE a Ladies Taxi. It could be driven by women for women only, and would therefore be an escape from scuzzballs like the one this Viewer encountered on our last business trip at 6 a.m. on a Sunday morning, with whom this Viewer reluctantly shared an airport cab only to listen to 10 minutes of "Kel-O, Kiddy Kel, you are One Smart Cookie, Give me a Hug!!" after 20 minutes of telling This Viewer how Fabulous he was. So yes, Ladies Taxi = Good Idea.
But the General's Daughter is less convinced than this Viewer: "Ooo, will we fit in there?" she wonders.
"Ever ridden in a golf cart?" asks ABe.
And then even more inexplicably, they go to the St. Kao Market, to eat some street food.
Okay, rule #1 of generally third-world and most other-world international travel is Thou Shalt Not Eat Food Cooked On the Street. And so we look on with mild curiosity as to the level of revenge Montezuma will be seeking later on, as Pringles and the General's Daughter eat fried bugs, things wrapped in leaves, and things on a stick from this street market. As they devour what can only be described as skewered maggot, we wonder how much fun they are actually having on this date.
Mercifully, it's time to get naked. One hard edit later, and Pringles and the General's Daughter have stripped down to their very small (well, for her) bathing suits and are now at "Monkey Beach."
So, when this viewer was last in Canada, we made the mistake of feeding a pigeon the last of our french fry at the CN Tower. We vividly remember the moment of extending our hand with said fry, while a "noooooooooo" emitted from our friend KDe. Two seconds later, we were surrounded by pigeons. We secretly think they flew in from all sides of the North American Continent. We literally ended up fleeing from the pigeons. And so, as Pringles and the General's Daughter feed monkey after monkey as more monkeys look on, we get a little skittish. But nothing untoward happens beyond the General's Daughter experiencing wilting hair and melting makeup as they talk about how well their lives would fit together and the sun sets on them kissing in the water.
But we are not done! Oh no, we must now go to dinner at what appears to be an outdoor Thai version of a Las Vegas casino. And now, the General's Daughter is wearing a white jeans dress. We All Remember (All Of Us) that time that Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake wore matching denim outfits to some awards show, and are secretly think it was unnecessary for the General's Daughter to steal Britney's dress, bleach it, and add sequins. Of course she would move to Dallas if they were to get engaged! Was there every any question?? Of course she would love to marry him in a heartbeat!! As Thai dancers surround them, the General's Daughter accepts the "Fantasy Suite" card, confesses her love to him, and we fade to black as they make out.
Oh goody, we are only at date #2, with the PK. She shows up in tiny cut-off shorts and a midriff baring crocheted fishnet top.
"I know you love that shirt," says KMu to This Viewer.
Except we DO love it because suddenly this show makes sense: Pringles thinks the PK is hot because she is dressed exactly like a male participant in a Gay Pride parade.
But we are now distracted by the wordy necklace around PK's neck. We freeze frame the television, and then freeze frame again:
"Tempest? Tampon? Compost?" wonders KMu.
"I think it says "Abandoned," says ABe.
KMu goes on the interwebs, triumphantly displaying the PK's "Gypset" necklace 10 minutes later, educating all of us at the BNU that "gypset" is in fact a Real Word that is a combination of "Gypsy" and "Jet Set," and then threatening to purchase a Gypset necklace for All Of Us at the BNU. As the word "Gypset" brings in mind the wealthy person who thinks its cool to look like she lives in the trailer out back, we respectfully decline. And also, it is ugly as shit.
So while this treasure hunt is occurring, Pringles has taken PK into a cave to challenge her and test her ability to "let go." As they swim through the cave holding onto nothing more than a little floaty, PK talks about how freaked out this is making her and how it "all goes back to being abandoned as a child."
"Wait, what's all this about abandonment?" wonders ABe. "And also, did you know that Jake is a Pilot?'
Soon they make it through alive and to the other side, which is a secluded beach that can apparently ONLY be reached by swimming through the cave. KMu feels bad for the poor production assistant who likely had to swim through that cave with their little picnic on her head to set up for this date to be filmed. But the PK is having a Deep and Meaningful Epiphany: "It's like when you are with the person that you love, and you are going through A Dark Alley. It's Like Taking a Risk and Not Knowing It's Outcome."
"Wait, isn't that the very definition of risk?" says KMu.
"Aren't they just swimming in a cave? Can someone please explain the challenge to me?" asks ABe.
But Pringles gets a big charge out of it because he likes that the PK trusts him, since it's important for a woman to trust her husband. We get annoyed.
Blah blah they kiss on the beach in their tiny tiny swimsuits. We are a little thrown off because the PK appears to have gotten, er, larger on her top half since the beginning of this season and we are wondering How That Works. And then just like that, we are at dinner. And then the fantasy suite. And pretty much all you need to know is the following;
1. Their interests are in alignment.
2. The PK "Loves This Man." Oh, and in case we didn't hear it, she "Loves This Man and wants to Marry This Man."
3. Her ring finger is a size 6 1/2.
Finally, we are at Date #3 with Hillshire. As she runs up to Pringles, we gasp because she is wearing a Holly Hobby dress.
" I was once Holly Hobby for Holloween," says KMu.
This Viewer was once Neefa Feefa the Eyeball Dancer, which we suspect explains a lot.
So Hillshire and Pringles go sailing into the wilds. As they drink wine and sweat in the heat, we are having a difficult time paying attention. Pringles notes that Hillshire "fits him perfectly," but wonders if she would be willing to "settle down in Dallas." He asks her, and she either says that she is "pretty inspired by" Seattle (where she currently lives), or "pretty expired by" Seattle. No one asks for a clarification, and so we Are Left Unknowning.
Blah blah they talk about her family, and she confesses that she was angry at her sisters because they threw her under the bus, and don't actually have any idea where she is with respect to her preparedness to commit to a relationship. For that, she talks to her married friend, because with her sisters it is all jealousy and backbiting. And then they do backflips off the boat into the water, kiss a whole bunch, and head to dinner.
At dinner, we continue along the same vein. Pringles feels like Hillshire "gets him" more than any other woman (uh oh). In five years, she sees them married with a child. She likes that he is a stable man, and she is "very traditional." But when the fantasy suite card comes out, she says she wants to be treated as a "lady," while looking forward to some "intimate time" [everybody drink] with him. She admits to having issues with food and body image (uh oh), he reassures her that she is "smokin," she tells him that he is also "such a hunk," they kiss in the pool of the Fantasy Suite, and we are done.
After a shameless plug for the movie Oz by Chris Harrison from the Ladies' Mansion back in LA (and in which Michelle Williams looks pissed to be sitting there interrupting her Watching of the Bachelor and Reading of this Blog [we wish]), we are again back in Thailand at the rose ceremony.
Soon the women are arriving. The General's Daughter looks pretty and normal. Hillshire is wearing a poppy-colored octopus for a dress. We hate this dress, but not as much as [GASP] wtf is the PK wearing.
Babies, it is often that This Viewer draws dresses when writing for the BNU, to help us remember because it is so goddamn late. We have never put a picture on the BNU before because we are just too lazy, but we now offer to you our humble sketch from last night:
It is purple. There is tangible jubbly hanging out. And also, we don't even know what to say about this necklace, which is as if the PK bedazzled a serving platter, and secured it to her throat with two tea-cup sized matching orbs. We HATE this outfit.
We know we are supposed to be listening to the video messages that the ladies are leaving for Pringles, but we Cannot. Get. Over. This Dress. As the PK rambles on in her message, thanking Pringles because "I know that you know that I'm not broken, and I ultimately thank you for that and will love you forever," we start to sweat over the fear of a broken strap on this dress.
And then, while our eyes are still having a seizure, Pringles picks;
1. the General's Daughter, and
2. Hillshire.
WHOA. The PK is going home. Instantly, her face becomes a mask, and she walks directly past Pringles to the limo. Pringles begs to let him explain himself to her:
"I thought you were the one from the very beginning. I hope you know where I'm coming from.' Um, maybe This Viewer has had one too may glasses, but We seriously are not seeing how this is an explanation.
The PK gets into the limo, continues to be stony faced, says that it wasn't a joke to her, and then starts to cry. We feel bad for her, and wish she would just wash her face, put on a top, and just move forward with her life.
Stay tuned for next week, when The Women Tell All.
- KLo
Oh! But he is Conflicted! He is looking forward to spending time with the three remaining women because he Just. Doesn't. Know. Who. To. Pick!! Could it be Hillshire, with whom he shares "the same morals AND values?" We see a video montage of their various dates, which basically consist of throwing fish at each other, frolicking in the snow, and The Kitty.
Or, could it be "AshLee, not to be confused with Oscar Winner, Ang Lee?" wonders KMu. And here she is, giving the performance of a lifetime with a general discussion of brokenness and abandonment, and crying in her soup about how she never dealt with any of that until Just Now.
"There is always that critical point where the woman could either go to a licensed therapist, or go on reality television," notes KMu. We all share a moment of not-so-quiet reflection on Season Wombat and his made for television "therapist," Jamie Green (a/k/a Jaime Verde, a/k/a the drummer from Go West). We wonder how the King of Wishful Thinking is doing these days, and secretly wish he was counseling the PK.
Finally, could it be the General's Daughter? Who is TWENTY FOUR.
And speak of the devil, off we are to date #1 with the General's Daughter. They are admittedly in a fancity hotel, but they do plan to go out into the streets of Thailand, which is why we cannot understand why the General's Daughter is wearing sky high platform heels with her little short skirt and tank top. This is going to be a painful date for her.
As they climb into a very pink motor rickshaw, This Viewer thinks back on her brief visit to the United Arab Emirates. In which we saw a "Ladies Taxi" that was also painted over with pink. This Viewer would LOVE a Ladies Taxi. It could be driven by women for women only, and would therefore be an escape from scuzzballs like the one this Viewer encountered on our last business trip at 6 a.m. on a Sunday morning, with whom this Viewer reluctantly shared an airport cab only to listen to 10 minutes of "Kel-O, Kiddy Kel, you are One Smart Cookie, Give me a Hug!!" after 20 minutes of telling This Viewer how Fabulous he was. So yes, Ladies Taxi = Good Idea.
But the General's Daughter is less convinced than this Viewer: "Ooo, will we fit in there?" she wonders.
"Ever ridden in a golf cart?" asks ABe.
And then even more inexplicably, they go to the St. Kao Market, to eat some street food.
Okay, rule #1 of generally third-world and most other-world international travel is Thou Shalt Not Eat Food Cooked On the Street. And so we look on with mild curiosity as to the level of revenge Montezuma will be seeking later on, as Pringles and the General's Daughter eat fried bugs, things wrapped in leaves, and things on a stick from this street market. As they devour what can only be described as skewered maggot, we wonder how much fun they are actually having on this date.
Mercifully, it's time to get naked. One hard edit later, and Pringles and the General's Daughter have stripped down to their very small (well, for her) bathing suits and are now at "Monkey Beach."
So, when this viewer was last in Canada, we made the mistake of feeding a pigeon the last of our french fry at the CN Tower. We vividly remember the moment of extending our hand with said fry, while a "noooooooooo" emitted from our friend KDe. Two seconds later, we were surrounded by pigeons. We secretly think they flew in from all sides of the North American Continent. We literally ended up fleeing from the pigeons. And so, as Pringles and the General's Daughter feed monkey after monkey as more monkeys look on, we get a little skittish. But nothing untoward happens beyond the General's Daughter experiencing wilting hair and melting makeup as they talk about how well their lives would fit together and the sun sets on them kissing in the water.
But we are not done! Oh no, we must now go to dinner at what appears to be an outdoor Thai version of a Las Vegas casino. And now, the General's Daughter is wearing a white jeans dress. We All Remember (All Of Us) that time that Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake wore matching denim outfits to some awards show, and are secretly think it was unnecessary for the General's Daughter to steal Britney's dress, bleach it, and add sequins. Of course she would move to Dallas if they were to get engaged! Was there every any question?? Of course she would love to marry him in a heartbeat!! As Thai dancers surround them, the General's Daughter accepts the "Fantasy Suite" card, confesses her love to him, and we fade to black as they make out.
Oh goody, we are only at date #2, with the PK. She shows up in tiny cut-off shorts and a midriff baring crocheted fishnet top.
"I know you love that shirt," says KMu to This Viewer.
Except we DO love it because suddenly this show makes sense: Pringles thinks the PK is hot because she is dressed exactly like a male participant in a Gay Pride parade.
But we are now distracted by the wordy necklace around PK's neck. We freeze frame the television, and then freeze frame again:
"Tempest? Tampon? Compost?" wonders KMu.
"I think it says "Abandoned," says ABe.
KMu goes on the interwebs, triumphantly displaying the PK's "Gypset" necklace 10 minutes later, educating all of us at the BNU that "gypset" is in fact a Real Word that is a combination of "Gypsy" and "Jet Set," and then threatening to purchase a Gypset necklace for All Of Us at the BNU. As the word "Gypset" brings in mind the wealthy person who thinks its cool to look like she lives in the trailer out back, we respectfully decline. And also, it is ugly as shit.
So while this treasure hunt is occurring, Pringles has taken PK into a cave to challenge her and test her ability to "let go." As they swim through the cave holding onto nothing more than a little floaty, PK talks about how freaked out this is making her and how it "all goes back to being abandoned as a child."
"Wait, what's all this about abandonment?" wonders ABe. "And also, did you know that Jake is a Pilot?'
Soon they make it through alive and to the other side, which is a secluded beach that can apparently ONLY be reached by swimming through the cave. KMu feels bad for the poor production assistant who likely had to swim through that cave with their little picnic on her head to set up for this date to be filmed. But the PK is having a Deep and Meaningful Epiphany: "It's like when you are with the person that you love, and you are going through A Dark Alley. It's Like Taking a Risk and Not Knowing It's Outcome."
"Wait, isn't that the very definition of risk?" says KMu.
"Aren't they just swimming in a cave? Can someone please explain the challenge to me?" asks ABe.
But Pringles gets a big charge out of it because he likes that the PK trusts him, since it's important for a woman to trust her husband. We get annoyed.
Blah blah they kiss on the beach in their tiny tiny swimsuits. We are a little thrown off because the PK appears to have gotten, er, larger on her top half since the beginning of this season and we are wondering How That Works. And then just like that, we are at dinner. And then the fantasy suite. And pretty much all you need to know is the following;
1. Their interests are in alignment.
2. The PK "Loves This Man." Oh, and in case we didn't hear it, she "Loves This Man and wants to Marry This Man."
3. Her ring finger is a size 6 1/2.
Finally, we are at Date #3 with Hillshire. As she runs up to Pringles, we gasp because she is wearing a Holly Hobby dress.
" I was once Holly Hobby for Holloween," says KMu.
This Viewer was once Neefa Feefa the Eyeball Dancer, which we suspect explains a lot.
So Hillshire and Pringles go sailing into the wilds. As they drink wine and sweat in the heat, we are having a difficult time paying attention. Pringles notes that Hillshire "fits him perfectly," but wonders if she would be willing to "settle down in Dallas." He asks her, and she either says that she is "pretty inspired by" Seattle (where she currently lives), or "pretty expired by" Seattle. No one asks for a clarification, and so we Are Left Unknowning.
Blah blah they talk about her family, and she confesses that she was angry at her sisters because they threw her under the bus, and don't actually have any idea where she is with respect to her preparedness to commit to a relationship. For that, she talks to her married friend, because with her sisters it is all jealousy and backbiting. And then they do backflips off the boat into the water, kiss a whole bunch, and head to dinner.
At dinner, we continue along the same vein. Pringles feels like Hillshire "gets him" more than any other woman (uh oh). In five years, she sees them married with a child. She likes that he is a stable man, and she is "very traditional." But when the fantasy suite card comes out, she says she wants to be treated as a "lady," while looking forward to some "intimate time" [everybody drink] with him. She admits to having issues with food and body image (uh oh), he reassures her that she is "smokin," she tells him that he is also "such a hunk," they kiss in the pool of the Fantasy Suite, and we are done.
After a shameless plug for the movie Oz by Chris Harrison from the Ladies' Mansion back in LA (and in which Michelle Williams looks pissed to be sitting there interrupting her Watching of the Bachelor and Reading of this Blog [we wish]), we are again back in Thailand at the rose ceremony.
Soon the women are arriving. The General's Daughter looks pretty and normal. Hillshire is wearing a poppy-colored octopus for a dress. We hate this dress, but not as much as [GASP] wtf is the PK wearing.
Babies, it is often that This Viewer draws dresses when writing for the BNU, to help us remember because it is so goddamn late. We have never put a picture on the BNU before because we are just too lazy, but we now offer to you our humble sketch from last night:
It is purple. There is tangible jubbly hanging out. And also, we don't even know what to say about this necklace, which is as if the PK bedazzled a serving platter, and secured it to her throat with two tea-cup sized matching orbs. We HATE this outfit.
We know we are supposed to be listening to the video messages that the ladies are leaving for Pringles, but we Cannot. Get. Over. This Dress. As the PK rambles on in her message, thanking Pringles because "I know that you know that I'm not broken, and I ultimately thank you for that and will love you forever," we start to sweat over the fear of a broken strap on this dress.
And then, while our eyes are still having a seizure, Pringles picks;
1. the General's Daughter, and
2. Hillshire.
WHOA. The PK is going home. Instantly, her face becomes a mask, and she walks directly past Pringles to the limo. Pringles begs to let him explain himself to her:
"I thought you were the one from the very beginning. I hope you know where I'm coming from.' Um, maybe This Viewer has had one too may glasses, but We seriously are not seeing how this is an explanation.
The PK gets into the limo, continues to be stony faced, says that it wasn't a joke to her, and then starts to cry. We feel bad for her, and wish she would just wash her face, put on a top, and just move forward with her life.
Stay tuned for next week, when The Women Tell All.
- KLo
posted by KLo @ 4:55 AM
1 Comments:
Hillshire for the win. But, it will never work out. (oh really, what a surprise, do tell more)
Hillshire is to smitten with PK's physicality. I think Hillshire is used to dating guys like me (think Wally Cox) vs guys like PK.
It was nice to see the monkeys didn't misbehave as monkeys sometimes do (and my mother told me never to do again if I wanted to keep my eyesight when she caught me, um, behaving like a monkey). The sunset video on Monkey Beach was pretty spectacular, I will give ABC that.
-CPa
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