Pringles Part 8: [Crazy For You] Touch Me Once And You'll Know Its True
Pringles Part 8 begins with a glass of wine being handed to us by PMu as he utters words of wisdom: "Pull that bandaid off." And just like that, we are tumbled into Houston, Texas by ABC. And there is the PK, walking her little Yorky in like the skinniest jeans ever, with some sort of button-down shirt that has managed to be tight as well.
"How do women exist whose legs don't touch in the middle?" asks ABe. This Viewer would really like to know, as our own legs are more similar to two Chicken Drumsticks than a Wishbone.
But the PK whispers on and on about how she "had no clue" what loving another person outside of her family was until she met Pringles. All of her worries and fears of being "broken" fade away around him. Oh dear. This is only going to end badly if PK continues to look to some dude for healing. And also, WTF are they doing laying around in a meadow? We wonder if a vampire will pop out from the bushes and sparkle for them. As they awkwardly sip champagne amidst the wildflowers, we discover that Pringles' grandfather is a pastor, and his dad is also "technically a reverend." We are not sure what that means, but it makes the PK happy. Soon she is yammering on about her marriage at age 17 AGAIN, and in response to said yammering, this happens:
"Wow, that is the exact answer my dad would have given me."
and in case we didn't hear it the first time:
"That's so awesome, you answered that just like my dad would have."
We are a little uncomfortable. And then a little more when the "you're amazing," . ."No, YOU'RE Amazing!!!" begins to happen.
At last they get up and head home to meet dad Bruce and mom Deborah.
"Ooo, now we know what the PK is going to look like when she's older!!" says ABe.
"Um .... she's adopted," says KMu and This Viewer.
'OMG, don't put that in the blog," says ABe.
So we like these parents, who sit everyone down to eat outside. Except it continues to be awkward, at least for this viewer, because Bruce asks what she has been doing the last few weeks, and the PK says:
"Oh, we took the polar bear plunge. And it was just this deep and meaningful thing where I got into a bikini and then went into 34 degree water and left all of my fear of abandonment and baggage behind in the water. . . And then we went to St. Croix, and there was a lot of romance and we rolled around in the sand a lot."
We never realized how much this show is like an extended Sports Illustrated Swimsuit shoot until this very moment. And also, we appreciate Deborah's face when the PK talks about rolling in the sand and romance.
Soon, we are onto 1:1 times between Pringles and the parents. We continue not to see why Pringles is valuating PK for his potential wife, as the first question out of his mouth for Deborah is: "I assume her control issues are related to her abandonment?" But then Bruce asks Pringles if he is in "love with my daughter," and after an awkward pause, Pringles says, "I am crazy about her [everybody drink], and I see love on the horizon." Feh. Yet somehow, Pringles still asks for Bruce's blessing to propose, and Bruce says yes. Then Bruce makes us all cry by telling us about his first date with his daughter, when he met her at age four and adopted her.
But as the PK leads Pringles out of her parents house, ABe is in a fury: "ABC keeps using dumb quotes instead of smart quotes on its captions, and that is annoying as shit."
"Next season on the Bachelor: Comic Sans," says KMu.
We want to climb the walls by the end of this date, because everything is a Deep and Meaningful Journey to the Center of the Earth with the PK, instead of just dinner and a nice time. "Today was a beginning," says she. "I want to marry this man right now because I need him to be the one that I love and take care of. Today has been magical." Yes, throw some fairy dust on top and stick a fork in it, PK.
Just like that, we are off to meet family #2, visiting Hillshire in Seattle. And suddenly, we aren't listening anymore because as Hillshire runs to meet Pringles, we discover that Pringles is wearing a jacket with elbow patches. This Viewer LOVES a jacket with elbow patches. It is our Secret Man Weakness. We stare at Pringles' elbows and feel a general sense of well-being towards him, which is only slightly unsteadied when he states he feels like he is with his wife when hanging out with Hillshire. Whoa, we didn't see that coming. And also, we at the BNU are a little worried, as Pringles seems more into Hillshire than Hillshire seems into him, notwithstanding her stated love for his "smell and big beefy arms."
So Pringles and Hillshire run around Seattle catching fish at the fishmarket (so much for smelling good), putting gum on a wall (ew), and then eating out before heading home to meet mom, grandma Lola (a/k/a "Gramcracker." ahahaha, we love Hillshire for that nickname), Mom whose name we missed, and sisters Monica and India. And we are bit conflicted, because we love this house. If Pringles had to pick a partner based on her home alone, Hillshire would win hands down In This Viewer's Mind because she has a cozy house, with wall hangings and color and a nice lived-in feeling about it.
Except sisters and mom are way skeptical. The sisters corner Hillshire in a bedroom and tell her that they feel like she generally makes awesome decisions, but here she is "trying to convince" them. And then to Pringles, they tell him that they don't see Hillshire having kids right now at all, and that she has lots of dreams and ambitions, and it is great if Pringles wants to support that, but if not . . . . Oh and also, she needs a man who can handle the fact that she is messy and moody, wavering between very happy and very focused. Then with Mom, he asks for her blessing, and she very nicely says that well, there are a number of other women left, and let's just keep our pants on and see where this goes.
Personally, we like Mom's approach. We are a little annoyed at the sisters for throwing Hillshire under the bus, but we see where they are coming from too. However, all this is too much for Pringles, who clearly has visions of immediately settling down and having children with his intended. As he says goodbye to Hillshire, he tells the camera that he really doesn't see how things can go from here with her. Oh!!
Off we go to date #3, at Fort Leonard Wood in Missouri with the General's Daughter. It is at this point that we really begin to get bored. Babies, the General's Daughter is 24. TWENTY. FOUR. And as KMu correctly observed, if she would wash all the makeup off her face and put her hair in a ponytail, she would look about 12. So we feel a little ridiculous as the General's Daughter walks Pringles around her small town, stopping for a beer and then going into the "Sugar on Top Bake Shoppe," (which would be an *awesome* name for a strip club).
Before meeting her parents, the General's Daughter makes Pringles change into army clothes and do a bunch of exercises while she yells at him, boot camp style. As this mainly comes across as a grown man humoring a teenager's giddy plan for "fun" and "romance," we are simply annoyed. But Pringles takes it all, because his main concern is that the General's Daughter's dad is, well, a two-star General. And also, his "business is making men." So Pringles is a little worried that his ass is going to be toasted and tossed out the door. That would be interesting.
But soon we are at home with Mom and Dad, and we are a little swept away. "Wow, her mom has a bit of a plate fetish," notes KMu. And it is so true. There are decorative plates of Every Color and Variety in every corner of this house. With just three easy payments, this entire set could be yours, babies. But once again, it is the Parents for the Win! We love the parents of the General's Daughter. In 1:1 time with Mom, she tells Pringles that her daughter is definitely ready to settle down, and that Mom just wants someone who will love her as much as they do. In 1:1 with Dad, Pringles says he is "crazy about" the General's Daughter [everybody drink]. But the General himself talks about needing to enable Pringles and His Daughter to make a decision, and gives his blessing because he feels like that clears the way for a Decision To Be Made. And also, he gives Pringles some dog tags (ok, that part was a little cheesy).
As Pringles says goodbye, the General's Daughter whispers that she loves him. We are not sure how this is going to play out, but we suspect that she will at least Live to Fight Another Day.
Finally, we are on date #4 with Desiree Who Should Be Black, in Los Angeles. And she is wearing the neon yellow vest that this viewer wears when she doesn't want to get hit by a bus walking at night. Except Pringles as just One-Upped, her, as he is wearing the SALMON SHORTS OF RAGE. We hate these shorts!!! As Desiree WSBB announces that they are going to start their day with a hike, we secretly hope that a bear will run out of the wilderness and claw these shorts into a million pieces.
Blah blah they hike, they kiss, they go back to her house for dinner. And then suddenly, there is a knock on the door! And it is Desiree WSBB's boyfriend, who wants to talk to her!! Pringles puffs up into his Most Manly "Don't Put Your Hand on Me" self, and then just like that, it is over. Ha ha, the "boyfriend" was an actor that Desiree WSBB hired to prank Pringles. And that actor should not quit his day job because he was terrible. But we stopped listening long ago because Desiree WSBB has turned around and shown us the back of her shirt. What we *thought* was a silk button down blouse, is actually a silk button down blouse with the back hanging open. We understand the concept, but it doesn't work. At. All. Mullet shirts have no business in real life.
Soon, Mom Roxanne, Dad Tony, and brother Nate show up for dinner. These parents are ridiculously cute. But we barely see them because this entire part of Pringles Part 8 may be characterized as: "And Then Nate was a Dick." Brother Nate tells Desiree WSBB that there is "no way this will work out." As Nate then pulls Pringles away for 1:1, the whole rest of the family tenses up. So apparently this family dynamic is Not Unknown.
Pringles tells Nate that he is "crazy about" Des [everybody drink], and Nate responds that he's probably "crazy about a lot of girls" (ha ha, and also, oh dear). Pringles talks about how it hasn't been 'laid on his heart' which woman he will pick, which is language that makes This Viewer Want to Saw Off Her Arm. But then Nate throws down, informing Pringles that he is "Really just a playboy, I think you just get what you can from one person, and then you go over to the next one to see what you can get."
Sayeth KMu: "Wow, he really just summed up this show that we watch every week."
In the end, Desiree WSBB's parents tell Nate he is off base, Des is in tears, and Pringles is unhappy. As Nate cackles and tells Desiree WSBB that Pringles is "Not. The. One." we feel bad for her. While this may be true, no one needs a brother that is that much of a bully.
At last we are at the rose ceremony. Well actually, Pringles is getting his bottom halfs dressed for the rose ceremony, while his top halfs are nekkid. We are soon relieved that he has donned a shirt, even if only to speak with Chris Harrison about how he is conflicted about whether to send Desiree WSBB and Hillshire home. Yes, Desiree has a crazy brother that Pringles Can Not Stand, but Hillshire has the ultimate kiss of death: Lofty goals for herself, and ambition. Whatever will he do????
As he stumbles into the room to hand out roses, he looks worried.. . But the first rose goes to PK now problem. Her dress is would benefit from sizing up a little, but we can see how the person in it would be attractive to PK's desire to help wounded animals. So, one rose down, two more to go.
But then, as Pringles stands ready to give the next rose. .. Desiree WSBB pulls him aside!!! She apologizes for her brother!! She hopes no harm has been done!!! He reassures her, they return to the rose ceremony, and he gives rose #2 to . . .the General's Daughter! Oh no!! Desiree WSBB and Hillshire are now sweating bullets.
Suddenly, Pringles flees the room!! This is getting stupid. He wanders back to the deliberation room, looks at the pictures of the women, struggles with his decision, and then picks for rose #3 . .. Hillshire!!!
Whoa, Desiree WSBB is going home. And this is not a Decision of Clarity for Pringles. He unhelpfully tells her that "you have every quality I look for in a wife, which is why I may wake up tomorrow morning and realize that i made a huge mistake." Way to make it worse, Idiot. Desiree WSBB informs him that he IS making a huge mistake, and that he WILL regret it, and begs for him to keep her. But he doesn't. And she gets in the limo and cries about how she doesn't know what she's going to do with her life. We feel bad for her. But as KMu puts it all in perspective, Pringles was struggling over what woman came in THIRD place. Does Desiree WSBB really want to be upset about that?
At any rate, tomorrow night is a special "Sean Tell All" episode. This Viewer is PISSED about another double feature, and May Go On The Revolt and Boycott It In Favor of Sleep. But if not, we can be found here tomorrow, in all our Bitter Glory.
-KLo
"How do women exist whose legs don't touch in the middle?" asks ABe. This Viewer would really like to know, as our own legs are more similar to two Chicken Drumsticks than a Wishbone.
But the PK whispers on and on about how she "had no clue" what loving another person outside of her family was until she met Pringles. All of her worries and fears of being "broken" fade away around him. Oh dear. This is only going to end badly if PK continues to look to some dude for healing. And also, WTF are they doing laying around in a meadow? We wonder if a vampire will pop out from the bushes and sparkle for them. As they awkwardly sip champagne amidst the wildflowers, we discover that Pringles' grandfather is a pastor, and his dad is also "technically a reverend." We are not sure what that means, but it makes the PK happy. Soon she is yammering on about her marriage at age 17 AGAIN, and in response to said yammering, this happens:
"Wow, that is the exact answer my dad would have given me."
and in case we didn't hear it the first time:
"That's so awesome, you answered that just like my dad would have."
We are a little uncomfortable. And then a little more when the "you're amazing," . ."No, YOU'RE Amazing!!!" begins to happen.
At last they get up and head home to meet dad Bruce and mom Deborah.
"Ooo, now we know what the PK is going to look like when she's older!!" says ABe.
"Um .... she's adopted," says KMu and This Viewer.
'OMG, don't put that in the blog," says ABe.
So we like these parents, who sit everyone down to eat outside. Except it continues to be awkward, at least for this viewer, because Bruce asks what she has been doing the last few weeks, and the PK says:
"Oh, we took the polar bear plunge. And it was just this deep and meaningful thing where I got into a bikini and then went into 34 degree water and left all of my fear of abandonment and baggage behind in the water. . . And then we went to St. Croix, and there was a lot of romance and we rolled around in the sand a lot."
We never realized how much this show is like an extended Sports Illustrated Swimsuit shoot until this very moment. And also, we appreciate Deborah's face when the PK talks about rolling in the sand and romance.
Soon, we are onto 1:1 times between Pringles and the parents. We continue not to see why Pringles is valuating PK for his potential wife, as the first question out of his mouth for Deborah is: "I assume her control issues are related to her abandonment?" But then Bruce asks Pringles if he is in "love with my daughter," and after an awkward pause, Pringles says, "I am crazy about her [everybody drink], and I see love on the horizon." Feh. Yet somehow, Pringles still asks for Bruce's blessing to propose, and Bruce says yes. Then Bruce makes us all cry by telling us about his first date with his daughter, when he met her at age four and adopted her.
But as the PK leads Pringles out of her parents house, ABe is in a fury: "ABC keeps using dumb quotes instead of smart quotes on its captions, and that is annoying as shit."
"Next season on the Bachelor: Comic Sans," says KMu.
We want to climb the walls by the end of this date, because everything is a Deep and Meaningful Journey to the Center of the Earth with the PK, instead of just dinner and a nice time. "Today was a beginning," says she. "I want to marry this man right now because I need him to be the one that I love and take care of. Today has been magical." Yes, throw some fairy dust on top and stick a fork in it, PK.
Just like that, we are off to meet family #2, visiting Hillshire in Seattle. And suddenly, we aren't listening anymore because as Hillshire runs to meet Pringles, we discover that Pringles is wearing a jacket with elbow patches. This Viewer LOVES a jacket with elbow patches. It is our Secret Man Weakness. We stare at Pringles' elbows and feel a general sense of well-being towards him, which is only slightly unsteadied when he states he feels like he is with his wife when hanging out with Hillshire. Whoa, we didn't see that coming. And also, we at the BNU are a little worried, as Pringles seems more into Hillshire than Hillshire seems into him, notwithstanding her stated love for his "smell and big beefy arms."
So Pringles and Hillshire run around Seattle catching fish at the fishmarket (so much for smelling good), putting gum on a wall (ew), and then eating out before heading home to meet mom, grandma Lola (a/k/a "Gramcracker." ahahaha, we love Hillshire for that nickname), Mom whose name we missed, and sisters Monica and India. And we are bit conflicted, because we love this house. If Pringles had to pick a partner based on her home alone, Hillshire would win hands down In This Viewer's Mind because she has a cozy house, with wall hangings and color and a nice lived-in feeling about it.
Except sisters and mom are way skeptical. The sisters corner Hillshire in a bedroom and tell her that they feel like she generally makes awesome decisions, but here she is "trying to convince" them. And then to Pringles, they tell him that they don't see Hillshire having kids right now at all, and that she has lots of dreams and ambitions, and it is great if Pringles wants to support that, but if not . . . . Oh and also, she needs a man who can handle the fact that she is messy and moody, wavering between very happy and very focused. Then with Mom, he asks for her blessing, and she very nicely says that well, there are a number of other women left, and let's just keep our pants on and see where this goes.
Personally, we like Mom's approach. We are a little annoyed at the sisters for throwing Hillshire under the bus, but we see where they are coming from too. However, all this is too much for Pringles, who clearly has visions of immediately settling down and having children with his intended. As he says goodbye to Hillshire, he tells the camera that he really doesn't see how things can go from here with her. Oh!!
Off we go to date #3, at Fort Leonard Wood in Missouri with the General's Daughter. It is at this point that we really begin to get bored. Babies, the General's Daughter is 24. TWENTY. FOUR. And as KMu correctly observed, if she would wash all the makeup off her face and put her hair in a ponytail, she would look about 12. So we feel a little ridiculous as the General's Daughter walks Pringles around her small town, stopping for a beer and then going into the "Sugar on Top Bake Shoppe," (which would be an *awesome* name for a strip club).
Before meeting her parents, the General's Daughter makes Pringles change into army clothes and do a bunch of exercises while she yells at him, boot camp style. As this mainly comes across as a grown man humoring a teenager's giddy plan for "fun" and "romance," we are simply annoyed. But Pringles takes it all, because his main concern is that the General's Daughter's dad is, well, a two-star General. And also, his "business is making men." So Pringles is a little worried that his ass is going to be toasted and tossed out the door. That would be interesting.
But soon we are at home with Mom and Dad, and we are a little swept away. "Wow, her mom has a bit of a plate fetish," notes KMu. And it is so true. There are decorative plates of Every Color and Variety in every corner of this house. With just three easy payments, this entire set could be yours, babies. But once again, it is the Parents for the Win! We love the parents of the General's Daughter. In 1:1 time with Mom, she tells Pringles that her daughter is definitely ready to settle down, and that Mom just wants someone who will love her as much as they do. In 1:1 with Dad, Pringles says he is "crazy about" the General's Daughter [everybody drink]. But the General himself talks about needing to enable Pringles and His Daughter to make a decision, and gives his blessing because he feels like that clears the way for a Decision To Be Made. And also, he gives Pringles some dog tags (ok, that part was a little cheesy).
As Pringles says goodbye, the General's Daughter whispers that she loves him. We are not sure how this is going to play out, but we suspect that she will at least Live to Fight Another Day.
Finally, we are on date #4 with Desiree Who Should Be Black, in Los Angeles. And she is wearing the neon yellow vest that this viewer wears when she doesn't want to get hit by a bus walking at night. Except Pringles as just One-Upped, her, as he is wearing the SALMON SHORTS OF RAGE. We hate these shorts!!! As Desiree WSBB announces that they are going to start their day with a hike, we secretly hope that a bear will run out of the wilderness and claw these shorts into a million pieces.
Blah blah they hike, they kiss, they go back to her house for dinner. And then suddenly, there is a knock on the door! And it is Desiree WSBB's boyfriend, who wants to talk to her!! Pringles puffs up into his Most Manly "Don't Put Your Hand on Me" self, and then just like that, it is over. Ha ha, the "boyfriend" was an actor that Desiree WSBB hired to prank Pringles. And that actor should not quit his day job because he was terrible. But we stopped listening long ago because Desiree WSBB has turned around and shown us the back of her shirt. What we *thought* was a silk button down blouse, is actually a silk button down blouse with the back hanging open. We understand the concept, but it doesn't work. At. All. Mullet shirts have no business in real life.
Soon, Mom Roxanne, Dad Tony, and brother Nate show up for dinner. These parents are ridiculously cute. But we barely see them because this entire part of Pringles Part 8 may be characterized as: "And Then Nate was a Dick." Brother Nate tells Desiree WSBB that there is "no way this will work out." As Nate then pulls Pringles away for 1:1, the whole rest of the family tenses up. So apparently this family dynamic is Not Unknown.
Pringles tells Nate that he is "crazy about" Des [everybody drink], and Nate responds that he's probably "crazy about a lot of girls" (ha ha, and also, oh dear). Pringles talks about how it hasn't been 'laid on his heart' which woman he will pick, which is language that makes This Viewer Want to Saw Off Her Arm. But then Nate throws down, informing Pringles that he is "Really just a playboy, I think you just get what you can from one person, and then you go over to the next one to see what you can get."
Sayeth KMu: "Wow, he really just summed up this show that we watch every week."
In the end, Desiree WSBB's parents tell Nate he is off base, Des is in tears, and Pringles is unhappy. As Nate cackles and tells Desiree WSBB that Pringles is "Not. The. One." we feel bad for her. While this may be true, no one needs a brother that is that much of a bully.
At last we are at the rose ceremony. Well actually, Pringles is getting his bottom halfs dressed for the rose ceremony, while his top halfs are nekkid. We are soon relieved that he has donned a shirt, even if only to speak with Chris Harrison about how he is conflicted about whether to send Desiree WSBB and Hillshire home. Yes, Desiree has a crazy brother that Pringles Can Not Stand, but Hillshire has the ultimate kiss of death: Lofty goals for herself, and ambition. Whatever will he do????
As he stumbles into the room to hand out roses, he looks worried.. . But the first rose goes to PK now problem. Her dress is would benefit from sizing up a little, but we can see how the person in it would be attractive to PK's desire to help wounded animals. So, one rose down, two more to go.
But then, as Pringles stands ready to give the next rose. .. Desiree WSBB pulls him aside!!! She apologizes for her brother!! She hopes no harm has been done!!! He reassures her, they return to the rose ceremony, and he gives rose #2 to . . .the General's Daughter! Oh no!! Desiree WSBB and Hillshire are now sweating bullets.
Suddenly, Pringles flees the room!! This is getting stupid. He wanders back to the deliberation room, looks at the pictures of the women, struggles with his decision, and then picks for rose #3 . .. Hillshire!!!
Whoa, Desiree WSBB is going home. And this is not a Decision of Clarity for Pringles. He unhelpfully tells her that "you have every quality I look for in a wife, which is why I may wake up tomorrow morning and realize that i made a huge mistake." Way to make it worse, Idiot. Desiree WSBB informs him that he IS making a huge mistake, and that he WILL regret it, and begs for him to keep her. But he doesn't. And she gets in the limo and cries about how she doesn't know what she's going to do with her life. We feel bad for her. But as KMu puts it all in perspective, Pringles was struggling over what woman came in THIRD place. Does Desiree WSBB really want to be upset about that?
At any rate, tomorrow night is a special "Sean Tell All" episode. This Viewer is PISSED about another double feature, and May Go On The Revolt and Boycott It In Favor of Sleep. But if not, we can be found here tomorrow, in all our Bitter Glory.
-KLo
posted by KLo @ 4:05 AM
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