Desiree WSBB Part 4: The Goblin King
We begin Part 4 of Desiree WSBB as we have so many episodes: In the not-even-a-little-bit subtle turquoise living room of the boys' manse, watching them navigate their morning cocktails, knees, and man parts around the voluminous pile of turquoise candles sitting on a coffee table. And here is Chris Harrison in another eye-popping shirt, still with the same paisley cuffs. Blah blah 3 dates, blah blah if you don't get a rose, you are voted off the island.
"Would you actually kiss any of these guys?" asks ABe as she scans the crowd with skepticism.
We think about this, concluding finally that Yes, we would kiss Caesar if we were the Bachelorette. And Juan Ton if we had low self esteem and were drunk after a long night of dancing, which would probably lead to the discovery that he smelled like listerine and chicklets and was just being polite when he said "call me."
But Chris Harrison has our attention because he wants us all to say goodbye to LA and hello to.. . Atlantic City!! Which is, no joke, the "first stop on a whirlwind trip around the world." As This Viewer contemplates where she would choose to start such a trip, Mikey T and John Boy express their excitement -- the former to go to Jersey (shocker), and the later to "get to know Desiree on a whole different level."
Wonders KMu: "Why is a new city necessary to seeing a different level of Desiree?"
But soon we don't care because here is Desiree in Atlantic City. Babies, she is wearing knee high boots, and a jacket with a zip cord for floatation. And Leggings. As Pants.
"LEGGINGS ARE NOT PANTS." screams ABe, for All Of Us.
Dear everyone under the age of 30, and also That Hooker I Saw Going To Court the Other Day: Leggings. Are. Not. Pants.
As Desiree WSBB contemplates the boardwalk, we see the men at LAX. KMu wonders if we will have a date where Des and a suitor sit in the LAX sign ("I feel like these letters are a symbol of everyone who arrives here, full of hope. . ." KMu says). HashTag is excited to go to "Las Vegas on the ocean." But Drew has a Deeper Excitement, for he is excited to "Travel with the person you are crazy about" because it "takes it from one level to the next."
"Wait," says KMu. "Who is he talking about, because Desiree is already in Atlantic City."
All of our eyes go to Wishbone.
And just like that, Wishbone gets the first date card: "Let our Love Shine Through."
This date is awful. They ride roller coasters, walk the boardwalk, eat salt water taffy and chocolate at a candy factory, and have a drink by the ocean with their backs to a giant sand castle in the sand.
He lisps: "I love this date. It's sooo awesome. It's like, perfect for me."
Way to start the conversation, Wishbone.
Struggles Desiree WSBB: "So what type of girls do you usually like?"
"Girls with penises," mutters KMu from her corner.
"Um, nothing specific. . ." lilts Wishbone. "Someone who will be a good mom. .. "
Desiree suggests that they watch the sunset (activity instead of talk! save me!), but things don't improve at dinner.
"So. ...do you have any pet peeves?" asks Desiree over the soup.
"Um, people who cannot be serious. Like. Eh-verrrr," valley-girls Wishbone, followed logically by "you're so amazing, like, so um. . . ."
As Wishbone struggles to think of the names of the rides they went on today, electing to pantomime instead, Desiree WSBB repeatedly tells the camera that she likes Wishbone, and that he is a nice guy, and that there are so many nice qualities about him.. . but. . .
Here is Our Thing (All of Us): This is like online dating. If one is going to say "but he has pretty eyes" or "he was nice to his mother," as a reason why it would Not Be Terrible to go out One More Time, one is going to waste a lot of time on gentlemen with the IQ of a bullfrog whose conversation starters are along the lines of "wow wow Wow WOW what's it like to be an ATTOR-NEY?" Cut. Him. Loose. Desiree.
And she does. After making Wishbone climb all the way to the top of a lighthouse conveniently situated on their restaurant, she tells him something is missing, that he will find someone special, but that she is Just Not That Into Him. Ooo, no rose for him. Wishbone cries, but we know it is for the best.
And now we are on date #2, which is basically for all of the other guys except for Beefy James: "I'm looking for Mr. Right" says the card.
As the guys come to a warehouse/theater, they are greeted by Miss America, resplendent in a crown, and told that they will be competing in their own "Mr. America" pageant. Desiree WSBB is laughing herself silly in the corner, as we would be. But Hot Fuzz is pumped:
"As a young child, I often dreamed about being Mr. America. I now have the opportunity to make those dreams come true."
We think he's kidding. We hope he's kidding.
But when "Christopher Devin," Pageant Coach and Wearer of Tight Jeans sashays out from stage right to announce that he will be training them, we all have to Walk. It. Off. As Mr. Devin tells the boys to "explore yourselves for what talents work for you," Juan Ton picks up a baton and TWIRLS IT.
Meanwhile, Chris puts on high heels and then asks Desiree for buckle help.
"Is this F*CKING HAPPENING????" cries KMu.
"You guys he is the ONE WE LIKED," wails ABe.
Soon John Boy is doing a ribbon dance, and Drew is practicing Shakespeare, and Miss America is running the guys through their interview skills, and they are all being handed swimsuits and this Viewer's Head Is Going to Explode. And the competition has yet to begin.
We at the BNU are now seriously traumatized. KMu has brought out the chocolate, and we are watching the television with one hand clutching wine glass and one eye closed because the boys are being interviewed and this is the Real Competition Now and We Are Scared.
We are pretty sure someone just oiled up Mikey T.
"In a relationship, are you a giver or a taker," asks Miss America to HashTag in front of a Live Audience.
"Now I'm reading into everything," mutters KMu.
"Are you water or fire?" someone asks Abs.
"I'm fire, because it is important for me to light her fire" says he.
Blah Blah Brooks Brothers would be a lion because he is king of the jungle, Chris says that to be romantic he would take his significant other "out to dinner more than is necessary" (what????), Juan Ton tells the crowd that his ideal mate would need to love his daughter (WHAT???) and be a good dancer, and Mikey T complains that women see men as "meatheads," but that he is actually a very sensitive soul.
Then he does a strip-tease and push ups against the wall.
HashTag fake tape dances. Brooks Brothers sings a song and smashes a ukulele. Drew recites his shakespeare, Chris swings hula hoops, shirtless and in high heels (a Piece of This Viewer's Soul Just Died), Caeser does pelvic thrusts (ok, we take it all back about kissing him), and Abs sings a song that he wrote about being haunted by a rose. Because, you know, he wrote it for her before coming on this show.
Here's our thing about Abs. He's nice, but he looks like Gomer Pyle from the neck up, Popeye from the neck down, and like he's spent 50 years in a tanning bed all over. The man does not look 30 or whatever he is claiming to be.
In the end, 2nd runner up is Brooks Brothers, 1st Runner up is Abs, and the Winner is . . HashTag!! NOOOOOO. At least he didn't get a rose with the sash.
At the pool party later that night, we learn that Chris writes poetry, which he started doing when baseball was not working out for him. Okay, we like this, and that what little we hear does not sound totally terrible, though we are a little worried when Desiree WSBB says that she also writes poetry. Then there is more drama with John Boy, who takes his 1:1 time in full view of the other guys, and then shamelessly talks up his son while the other guys note that he never talks about the kid except around Desiree WSBB. And finally, Abs chooses to sing the ENTIRE song he did at the Mr. America pageant during his 1:1 time.
Desiree sits awkwardly through the song, and Abs gets the rose at the end of this date. Caesar is upset, as he did not get any 1:1 time, apparently by his own lack of initiative, and now feels like he is falling behind emotionally. Ooooo.
Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Beefy James is having a Spa Day.
Gentle readers, this Viewer loves a Romance Novel. And our secret love of such books has led us through many ill-advised and poorly-written love stories. But few have been worse than The Goblin King, which This Viewer recently received from her sister, SHa, with a note saying only, "payback is a bitch." Apparently, SHa does not take kindly to having a Harlequin stuffed in her stocking with care every Christmas.
So as Beefy James sits in a bubble bath, drinking champagne, and eating chocolate covered strawberries, we cannot but think of The Goblin King himself, All Beefy Manliness In The Shadowlands but Shriveled, Toadyness In This World. Babies, we are in the Shadowlands with Beefy James, who has Conjured a Bottle of Wine with his Dark Magic that Takes a Bit of his Soul Each Time He Uses It, Slowly Turning Him Into a Goblin, as He was Cursed To Become by the Druid 5,000 Years Ago.
We are not going to survive this date.
As Desiree WSBB picks Beefy James/The Goblin King up, we realize further why we don't like him. Like Every Great D-List Romance Hero, he is hyper-vigilant towards his Lady, as if every word dripping from her lips Will Unlock the Secret as to Why He Lives Alone with his Goblin Brother in a Cave Filled with Gold but Oh So Empty of Companionship. And that is just bullshit.
They take a helicopter with the Red Cross and survey the destruction of Hurricane Sandy.
"This Roller Coaster Used to be a Sign of Joy, but It has been destroyed" announces Beefy James as he arranges his features to be somber. "Yet there is an American flag upon it, which is a sign of hope." GAH.
They Walk Around This Realm, Surveying the Damage and then meeting a couple of Survivors, married for 38 years, who are conveniently Waiting for Them. We are basically horrified at ABC's prostitution of this sweet old couple for ratings, as Desiree WSBB "comes up with" the idea that she and Beefy James will give up their date in Atlantic City to this couple, who had to spend their anniversary in a Red Cross shelter. And then ABC proceeds to follow the old couple around on their entire date, which includes the magic gifting of a restored wedding album.
Meanwhile, Beefy James has swept Desiree WSBB into Summerland, that Mystical Half-Way place between This Realm and the Shadowlands, where he can appear in Human Form and Eat Spaghetti and Drink Beer. At This Dinner Conjured by Him, He confesses that he Destroyed a Young Love by cheating (basically on his 8th grade girlfriend, whom he dated until his first year of college), and that he Wants To Be Completely Honest about This Failing. Desiree WSBB asks him if he would ever cheat again, and Beefy James swears that now that his heart has been broken once before, he has learned his lesson.
After describing this Insurmountable Obstacle That May Stand in the Way of Lasting Romance (see page 324 for its resolution), Beefy James sweeps Desiree WSBB back to the old couple, who are now dancing to the smooth song stylings of Darius Rucker.
We LOVE Darius Rucker and are heartbroken that he is on this show. Hootie, you have sunk so low.
As Beefy James/the Goblin King says in wonder that he had "no idea I'd meet such a beautiful person [when you called me to you as Goblin King and I could not deny the summons]," Desiree WSBB giggles and gives him the rose. DAMMIT.
At last, it is the rose ceremony. Caesar is continuing his struggles with whether to stay or go, and Desiree WSBB, wearing a spangly short dress, begs him to stay. Meanwhile, Hot Fuzz has decided to make a Grand Gesture, which apparently is to write acrostic flashcards for Desiree and explain what each word means. This is hilariously awful. Chris worries about being in the "friend zone" with Desiree and then shares an awkward kiss (but we still like him, high heels and all). And in the end, to join Abs and Beefy James with roses, she picks:
1. Chris. YAY.
2. Brooks Brothers.
3. Juan Ton
4. Drew
5. Hot Fuzz
6. John Boy
7. HashTag
8. Caesar (who waits a long time before deciding to accept the rose. awkward.)
9. Mikey T.
Zack or Zak or however it is spelled -- the publisher -- goes home. As we barely knew him, we cannot be sad.
Stay tuned for next week, when we go to Munich, Germany! Oooooo.
-KLo.
"Would you actually kiss any of these guys?" asks ABe as she scans the crowd with skepticism.
We think about this, concluding finally that Yes, we would kiss Caesar if we were the Bachelorette. And Juan Ton if we had low self esteem and were drunk after a long night of dancing, which would probably lead to the discovery that he smelled like listerine and chicklets and was just being polite when he said "call me."
But Chris Harrison has our attention because he wants us all to say goodbye to LA and hello to.. . Atlantic City!! Which is, no joke, the "first stop on a whirlwind trip around the world." As This Viewer contemplates where she would choose to start such a trip, Mikey T and John Boy express their excitement -- the former to go to Jersey (shocker), and the later to "get to know Desiree on a whole different level."
Wonders KMu: "Why is a new city necessary to seeing a different level of Desiree?"
But soon we don't care because here is Desiree in Atlantic City. Babies, she is wearing knee high boots, and a jacket with a zip cord for floatation. And Leggings. As Pants.
"LEGGINGS ARE NOT PANTS." screams ABe, for All Of Us.
Dear everyone under the age of 30, and also That Hooker I Saw Going To Court the Other Day: Leggings. Are. Not. Pants.
As Desiree WSBB contemplates the boardwalk, we see the men at LAX. KMu wonders if we will have a date where Des and a suitor sit in the LAX sign ("I feel like these letters are a symbol of everyone who arrives here, full of hope. . ." KMu says). HashTag is excited to go to "Las Vegas on the ocean." But Drew has a Deeper Excitement, for he is excited to "Travel with the person you are crazy about" because it "takes it from one level to the next."
"Wait," says KMu. "Who is he talking about, because Desiree is already in Atlantic City."
All of our eyes go to Wishbone.
And just like that, Wishbone gets the first date card: "Let our Love Shine Through."
This date is awful. They ride roller coasters, walk the boardwalk, eat salt water taffy and chocolate at a candy factory, and have a drink by the ocean with their backs to a giant sand castle in the sand.
He lisps: "I love this date. It's sooo awesome. It's like, perfect for me."
Way to start the conversation, Wishbone.
Struggles Desiree WSBB: "So what type of girls do you usually like?"
"Girls with penises," mutters KMu from her corner.
"Um, nothing specific. . ." lilts Wishbone. "Someone who will be a good mom. .. "
Desiree suggests that they watch the sunset (activity instead of talk! save me!), but things don't improve at dinner.
"So. ...do you have any pet peeves?" asks Desiree over the soup.
"Um, people who cannot be serious. Like. Eh-verrrr," valley-girls Wishbone, followed logically by "you're so amazing, like, so um. . . ."
As Wishbone struggles to think of the names of the rides they went on today, electing to pantomime instead, Desiree WSBB repeatedly tells the camera that she likes Wishbone, and that he is a nice guy, and that there are so many nice qualities about him.. . but. . .
Here is Our Thing (All of Us): This is like online dating. If one is going to say "but he has pretty eyes" or "he was nice to his mother," as a reason why it would Not Be Terrible to go out One More Time, one is going to waste a lot of time on gentlemen with the IQ of a bullfrog whose conversation starters are along the lines of "wow wow Wow WOW what's it like to be an ATTOR-NEY?" Cut. Him. Loose. Desiree.
And she does. After making Wishbone climb all the way to the top of a lighthouse conveniently situated on their restaurant, she tells him something is missing, that he will find someone special, but that she is Just Not That Into Him. Ooo, no rose for him. Wishbone cries, but we know it is for the best.
And now we are on date #2, which is basically for all of the other guys except for Beefy James: "I'm looking for Mr. Right" says the card.
As the guys come to a warehouse/theater, they are greeted by Miss America, resplendent in a crown, and told that they will be competing in their own "Mr. America" pageant. Desiree WSBB is laughing herself silly in the corner, as we would be. But Hot Fuzz is pumped:
"As a young child, I often dreamed about being Mr. America. I now have the opportunity to make those dreams come true."
We think he's kidding. We hope he's kidding.
But when "Christopher Devin," Pageant Coach and Wearer of Tight Jeans sashays out from stage right to announce that he will be training them, we all have to Walk. It. Off. As Mr. Devin tells the boys to "explore yourselves for what talents work for you," Juan Ton picks up a baton and TWIRLS IT.
Meanwhile, Chris puts on high heels and then asks Desiree for buckle help.
"Is this F*CKING HAPPENING????" cries KMu.
"You guys he is the ONE WE LIKED," wails ABe.
Soon John Boy is doing a ribbon dance, and Drew is practicing Shakespeare, and Miss America is running the guys through their interview skills, and they are all being handed swimsuits and this Viewer's Head Is Going to Explode. And the competition has yet to begin.
We at the BNU are now seriously traumatized. KMu has brought out the chocolate, and we are watching the television with one hand clutching wine glass and one eye closed because the boys are being interviewed and this is the Real Competition Now and We Are Scared.
We are pretty sure someone just oiled up Mikey T.
"In a relationship, are you a giver or a taker," asks Miss America to HashTag in front of a Live Audience.
"Now I'm reading into everything," mutters KMu.
"Are you water or fire?" someone asks Abs.
"I'm fire, because it is important for me to light her fire" says he.
Blah Blah Brooks Brothers would be a lion because he is king of the jungle, Chris says that to be romantic he would take his significant other "out to dinner more than is necessary" (what????), Juan Ton tells the crowd that his ideal mate would need to love his daughter (WHAT???) and be a good dancer, and Mikey T complains that women see men as "meatheads," but that he is actually a very sensitive soul.
Then he does a strip-tease and push ups against the wall.
HashTag fake tape dances. Brooks Brothers sings a song and smashes a ukulele. Drew recites his shakespeare, Chris swings hula hoops, shirtless and in high heels (a Piece of This Viewer's Soul Just Died), Caeser does pelvic thrusts (ok, we take it all back about kissing him), and Abs sings a song that he wrote about being haunted by a rose. Because, you know, he wrote it for her before coming on this show.
Here's our thing about Abs. He's nice, but he looks like Gomer Pyle from the neck up, Popeye from the neck down, and like he's spent 50 years in a tanning bed all over. The man does not look 30 or whatever he is claiming to be.
In the end, 2nd runner up is Brooks Brothers, 1st Runner up is Abs, and the Winner is . . HashTag!! NOOOOOO. At least he didn't get a rose with the sash.
At the pool party later that night, we learn that Chris writes poetry, which he started doing when baseball was not working out for him. Okay, we like this, and that what little we hear does not sound totally terrible, though we are a little worried when Desiree WSBB says that she also writes poetry. Then there is more drama with John Boy, who takes his 1:1 time in full view of the other guys, and then shamelessly talks up his son while the other guys note that he never talks about the kid except around Desiree WSBB. And finally, Abs chooses to sing the ENTIRE song he did at the Mr. America pageant during his 1:1 time.
Desiree sits awkwardly through the song, and Abs gets the rose at the end of this date. Caesar is upset, as he did not get any 1:1 time, apparently by his own lack of initiative, and now feels like he is falling behind emotionally. Ooooo.
Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Beefy James is having a Spa Day.
Gentle readers, this Viewer loves a Romance Novel. And our secret love of such books has led us through many ill-advised and poorly-written love stories. But few have been worse than The Goblin King, which This Viewer recently received from her sister, SHa, with a note saying only, "payback is a bitch." Apparently, SHa does not take kindly to having a Harlequin stuffed in her stocking with care every Christmas.
So as Beefy James sits in a bubble bath, drinking champagne, and eating chocolate covered strawberries, we cannot but think of The Goblin King himself, All Beefy Manliness In The Shadowlands but Shriveled, Toadyness In This World. Babies, we are in the Shadowlands with Beefy James, who has Conjured a Bottle of Wine with his Dark Magic that Takes a Bit of his Soul Each Time He Uses It, Slowly Turning Him Into a Goblin, as He was Cursed To Become by the Druid 5,000 Years Ago.
We are not going to survive this date.
As Desiree WSBB picks Beefy James/The Goblin King up, we realize further why we don't like him. Like Every Great D-List Romance Hero, he is hyper-vigilant towards his Lady, as if every word dripping from her lips Will Unlock the Secret as to Why He Lives Alone with his Goblin Brother in a Cave Filled with Gold but Oh So Empty of Companionship. And that is just bullshit.
They take a helicopter with the Red Cross and survey the destruction of Hurricane Sandy.
"This Roller Coaster Used to be a Sign of Joy, but It has been destroyed" announces Beefy James as he arranges his features to be somber. "Yet there is an American flag upon it, which is a sign of hope." GAH.
They Walk Around This Realm, Surveying the Damage and then meeting a couple of Survivors, married for 38 years, who are conveniently Waiting for Them. We are basically horrified at ABC's prostitution of this sweet old couple for ratings, as Desiree WSBB "comes up with" the idea that she and Beefy James will give up their date in Atlantic City to this couple, who had to spend their anniversary in a Red Cross shelter. And then ABC proceeds to follow the old couple around on their entire date, which includes the magic gifting of a restored wedding album.
Meanwhile, Beefy James has swept Desiree WSBB into Summerland, that Mystical Half-Way place between This Realm and the Shadowlands, where he can appear in Human Form and Eat Spaghetti and Drink Beer. At This Dinner Conjured by Him, He confesses that he Destroyed a Young Love by cheating (basically on his 8th grade girlfriend, whom he dated until his first year of college), and that he Wants To Be Completely Honest about This Failing. Desiree WSBB asks him if he would ever cheat again, and Beefy James swears that now that his heart has been broken once before, he has learned his lesson.
After describing this Insurmountable Obstacle That May Stand in the Way of Lasting Romance (see page 324 for its resolution), Beefy James sweeps Desiree WSBB back to the old couple, who are now dancing to the smooth song stylings of Darius Rucker.
We LOVE Darius Rucker and are heartbroken that he is on this show. Hootie, you have sunk so low.
As Beefy James/the Goblin King says in wonder that he had "no idea I'd meet such a beautiful person [when you called me to you as Goblin King and I could not deny the summons]," Desiree WSBB giggles and gives him the rose. DAMMIT.
At last, it is the rose ceremony. Caesar is continuing his struggles with whether to stay or go, and Desiree WSBB, wearing a spangly short dress, begs him to stay. Meanwhile, Hot Fuzz has decided to make a Grand Gesture, which apparently is to write acrostic flashcards for Desiree and explain what each word means. This is hilariously awful. Chris worries about being in the "friend zone" with Desiree and then shares an awkward kiss (but we still like him, high heels and all). And in the end, to join Abs and Beefy James with roses, she picks:
1. Chris. YAY.
2. Brooks Brothers.
3. Juan Ton
4. Drew
5. Hot Fuzz
6. John Boy
7. HashTag
8. Caesar (who waits a long time before deciding to accept the rose. awkward.)
9. Mikey T.
Zack or Zak or however it is spelled -- the publisher -- goes home. As we barely knew him, we cannot be sad.
Stay tuned for next week, when we go to Munich, Germany! Oooooo.
-KLo.
posted by KLo @ 4:39 AM
2 Comments:
This is a season of Alan Alda. I think the BNu crew has more testosterone then this crop of "men". Poetry, songs, flashcards, confessions of cheating?? Oh, and thanks ABC for setting the accounting profession back 20 years with Wishbone. Sheesh....CPa
CPa - at least your "guy" made it further than most lawyers do on the show - although Hot Fuzz is still in the running . . . .
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