Desiree WSBB Part 9: The Men Tell All
"I've never done a proper cartwheel in my life," confesses KMu as we sit down for The Episode that we all dread. "My friend broke her wrist when we began trying to do cartwheels at like, age 5, and I never tried again. It's not like seeing that put me off of cartwheels from like, ages 5-7. No, it was like For All Eternity." And babies, that is How This Viewer Feels. The Men Tell/Women Tell/All/Some/The Bits No One Cares About is like the broken wrist that should put us all Off Of This Godforsaken Show forever, and yet it does not.
We reluctantly begin with Desiree WSBB and Chris Harrison crashing "viewing parties" all over LA and then "on the road," which is really just an excuse to go look in on prior contestants: Big Daddy and Molly Who Will Not Age Well, the Dentist and J.P., Trista and Ryan. Chris Harrison says "For 26 seasons. . . " and then we stop listening because the following occurs all at once:
ABe: "Even everyone in the viewing audience is white."
KMu: "Note that no one is in these "viewing parties" is wearing their fat pants. Everyone is all dressed up."
This Viewer: [in her fat pants, eating ice cream] "Oh my god, I have been writing about this show for almost 13 years??????"
We suddenly feel that our youth has been robbed.
And then a little more of our soul dies, because we are now watching a pre-filmed segment in which Desiree WSBB is having a little chat with The Big Fedotowsky, Dolly Pemily, and the Dentist. And they are giving her advice on how to deal with "bad boys" on the Men Tell All Episode.
The Big Fedotowsky has dyed her hair a grayish white.
Dolly Pemily is muttering something about "you know, just. like. every. body."
The Dentist is saying nothing.
And ABe wants to know the following; "Wait, they are talking about the men who are going to be telling all, and what to tell the men? Is this really happening???"
And then finally, ABC stops all the pre-taped nonsense, and we get to meet the men live. Basically, there are a bunch whom we don't remember, Hot Dan who left too soon, Caesar, Juan Ton (The crowd goes wild!!!! We go wild in at the BNU Hq!!!), Abs, and a bunch of assholes.
In Regency House Party, a/k/a the best reality show ever, Mr. Gorrell Barnes invites several young fashionable men and eligible young ladies (plus chaperones) to come a'courting and perchance fall in love during a house party staged in about 1808. And while nothing terribly interesting happens amongst the young ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Foxworthy has a torrid affair with Mrs. Davenport, a chaperone easily 20 years his senior, this idiot of a woman is weepily caught between Mr. John Everett and a traveling musician, and there is spectacular row after spectacular row between the chaperones, culminating in a fight with broken dishes between Hostess Rogers and Mrs. Enright. Arms are grabbed, contemporary names are called, and written apologies are demanded.
And that is basically the Men Tell All: A bunch of old women shouting "how dare you impugn my honor!!!" and demanding apologies from each other.
But we get ahead of ourselves. First, Chris Harrison randomly calls on the men where they are seated. Abs explains that he had no expectations, that it was very easy to fall in love, and that he would do it again in a heartbeat. Juan Ton is his usual moderate self about the drama in the house, commenting that he's accustomed to different personalities and you just have to deal with it. Hot Fuzz starts yipping about the drama, and then we see a bunch of film caps of Desiree WSBB wearing skimpy clothing.
"Dude, they're trying to sex her up," protests ABe.
Nonsensically, we then get an apology from Jonathan the lawyer for being so skeevy on the first night, talk about how Brian who had the girlfriend was too chickenshit to come on this show and ruined Hashtag's 1:1 date with Desiree because of all his drama (yes THAT is why Desiree didn't pick you, HashTag) .. . aaaaand, Juan Pablo is once again called upon by Chris Harrison to speak.
We begin to get excited that ABC is grooming Juan Ton for the next Bachelor. Gentle readers, if that were to occur, . . well, we can't think about it, so excited are we at the possibility.
And then it all comes crashing down when Hostess Rogers and Mrs. Enright are turned loose on each other.
Namely, John Boy takes the hot seat. We are forced to see him and his international male tank top, Mikey T attacks him, Juan Ton notes that he was taken aback when John Boy claimed he was "not here to make friends" the very first night, and suddenly Hot Dan is attacking John Boy about his son and revealing that the son's mother randomly found Hot Dan in Vegas and told her that John Boy cheated on some prior girlfriend with the mother or some such thing, and there is yelling and if we squint we can see arms being grabbed and dishes being thrown, and you know what, we have Had Enough.
But Chris Harrison wants to know "what about the other dads on this show?" And then Abs is talking up Juan Ton, and how he mentioned his daughter in nearly every conversation and was clearly an active parent. Yup, he is in running to be the next bachelor.
But before we get enough of a Juan-Tonlicious break, we are back in the drama with Beefy James in the hot seat. Babies, this Viewer cannot even begin to describe how very, very long this segment was and how very, very much it repeated everything that had gone before. HashTag is like a dog with a bone on the issue of The Goblin King, His Intentions, and His Conversation about being the next bachelor. At one point, Mikey T stands up and screams at HashTag. And blahdy blahdy blah.
This segment may be summarized as follows: [bleep].
But then yes, yes, Juan Ton is taking the hot seat!! "Let's get to know this fan favorite" says Chris Harrison, and we simultaneously think "yes yes, let's do" and also "this could go terribly wrong because we don't actually know this guy at all!!" We see his best moments, including in a speedo (le sigh), his speech about looking for a woman who dances and would love his daughter, and then we watch him getting cut and This Viewer KIDS YOU NOT, women are CRYING in the viewing audience.
Juan Ton explains that he came to this show because he wanted to find someone that loved him, but loved his daughter more. That he has difficulty dating because he has his daughter on weekends, when most people are off. That he is not the stereotypical "latin." And that he is 32, so he wants a family, to have more children, to settle down, and to find someone to eat breakfast with and go to the movies.
Babies, and we have The Next Bachelor. Or at least, it's basically his to lose.
And then Abs takes the "hot seat" (we hate that name), and the BNU staff all agree that if Juan Ton has any competition, it is Abs. So Chris Harrison makes Abs view "his love affair and what went wrong" in a series of video clips. Then Abs talks about how hard it was to say goodbye, and how hard it is to find a partner in real life because, as a fluid engineer, he is spending half the year on a rig in the middle of the ocean.
And then we learn that the journal that he gave Desiree WSBB (you know, the one KMu and ABe thought was creepy but this viewer secretly loved) had a poem written in invisible ink at the back. "Do you know if Desiree ever read it?" asks Chris Harrison. And then when Abs says he does not, the Harrison gleefully reads it ot the entire viewing audience. And it is actually Not Terrible. In fact, it is probably better than anything that Chris or Desiree have written and forced All of Us to listen to every damn episode.
So then Desiree WSBB comes out in some shiny dress. And when she starts talking about "Bad Boys," we stop listening. Instead, we are fascinated by KMu's throw pillow:
"It is like little mitochondria!!" say we.
"Dude, I have not thought about that word since 10th grade," says KMu.
Then Desiree WSBB is talking to Juan Pablo about how sincere she could tell he was. He teasingly asks her why he didn't get a 1:1 date, and she says "I still think you are muy caliente and that other women would think so too." Yup, the next bachelor.
And then Abs is popping up and announcing that he has written a song. O.M.G. Someone hands him a guitar, and he starts channeling Vince Gill, and it goes something along the lines of:
It hurts the most to say goodbye
When all your love is just [something]
And when you leave with other guys
Love can dig a hole before your eyes
And we're moving on. . . I'm moving on . .
And here is our thing (All of Us). This song is actually kind of good. But this Viewer would probably start screaming if the next bachelor was continuously breaking into song. We would, however, accept A Musical as the format for the next bachelor, provided everyone has to sing.
Well darlings, the next two weeks are a Double Feature Season Finale. And ABe is leaving us because she Loves Others More. So KMu and I will hold down the fort during what Chris Harrison promises to be "the Most Dramatic Season Finale Ever."
We secretly think that Drew and Brooks Brothers run off with each other.
-KLo
We reluctantly begin with Desiree WSBB and Chris Harrison crashing "viewing parties" all over LA and then "on the road," which is really just an excuse to go look in on prior contestants: Big Daddy and Molly Who Will Not Age Well, the Dentist and J.P., Trista and Ryan. Chris Harrison says "For 26 seasons. . . " and then we stop listening because the following occurs all at once:
ABe: "Even everyone in the viewing audience is white."
KMu: "Note that no one is in these "viewing parties" is wearing their fat pants. Everyone is all dressed up."
This Viewer: [in her fat pants, eating ice cream] "Oh my god, I have been writing about this show for almost 13 years??????"
We suddenly feel that our youth has been robbed.
And then a little more of our soul dies, because we are now watching a pre-filmed segment in which Desiree WSBB is having a little chat with The Big Fedotowsky, Dolly Pemily, and the Dentist. And they are giving her advice on how to deal with "bad boys" on the Men Tell All Episode.
The Big Fedotowsky has dyed her hair a grayish white.
Dolly Pemily is muttering something about "you know, just. like. every. body."
The Dentist is saying nothing.
And ABe wants to know the following; "Wait, they are talking about the men who are going to be telling all, and what to tell the men? Is this really happening???"
And then finally, ABC stops all the pre-taped nonsense, and we get to meet the men live. Basically, there are a bunch whom we don't remember, Hot Dan who left too soon, Caesar, Juan Ton (The crowd goes wild!!!! We go wild in at the BNU Hq!!!), Abs, and a bunch of assholes.
In Regency House Party, a/k/a the best reality show ever, Mr. Gorrell Barnes invites several young fashionable men and eligible young ladies (plus chaperones) to come a'courting and perchance fall in love during a house party staged in about 1808. And while nothing terribly interesting happens amongst the young ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Foxworthy has a torrid affair with Mrs. Davenport, a chaperone easily 20 years his senior, this idiot of a woman is weepily caught between Mr. John Everett and a traveling musician, and there is spectacular row after spectacular row between the chaperones, culminating in a fight with broken dishes between Hostess Rogers and Mrs. Enright. Arms are grabbed, contemporary names are called, and written apologies are demanded.
And that is basically the Men Tell All: A bunch of old women shouting "how dare you impugn my honor!!!" and demanding apologies from each other.
But we get ahead of ourselves. First, Chris Harrison randomly calls on the men where they are seated. Abs explains that he had no expectations, that it was very easy to fall in love, and that he would do it again in a heartbeat. Juan Ton is his usual moderate self about the drama in the house, commenting that he's accustomed to different personalities and you just have to deal with it. Hot Fuzz starts yipping about the drama, and then we see a bunch of film caps of Desiree WSBB wearing skimpy clothing.
"Dude, they're trying to sex her up," protests ABe.
Nonsensically, we then get an apology from Jonathan the lawyer for being so skeevy on the first night, talk about how Brian who had the girlfriend was too chickenshit to come on this show and ruined Hashtag's 1:1 date with Desiree because of all his drama (yes THAT is why Desiree didn't pick you, HashTag) .. . aaaaand, Juan Pablo is once again called upon by Chris Harrison to speak.
We begin to get excited that ABC is grooming Juan Ton for the next Bachelor. Gentle readers, if that were to occur, . . well, we can't think about it, so excited are we at the possibility.
And then it all comes crashing down when Hostess Rogers and Mrs. Enright are turned loose on each other.
Namely, John Boy takes the hot seat. We are forced to see him and his international male tank top, Mikey T attacks him, Juan Ton notes that he was taken aback when John Boy claimed he was "not here to make friends" the very first night, and suddenly Hot Dan is attacking John Boy about his son and revealing that the son's mother randomly found Hot Dan in Vegas and told her that John Boy cheated on some prior girlfriend with the mother or some such thing, and there is yelling and if we squint we can see arms being grabbed and dishes being thrown, and you know what, we have Had Enough.
But Chris Harrison wants to know "what about the other dads on this show?" And then Abs is talking up Juan Ton, and how he mentioned his daughter in nearly every conversation and was clearly an active parent. Yup, he is in running to be the next bachelor.
But before we get enough of a Juan-Tonlicious break, we are back in the drama with Beefy James in the hot seat. Babies, this Viewer cannot even begin to describe how very, very long this segment was and how very, very much it repeated everything that had gone before. HashTag is like a dog with a bone on the issue of The Goblin King, His Intentions, and His Conversation about being the next bachelor. At one point, Mikey T stands up and screams at HashTag. And blahdy blahdy blah.
This segment may be summarized as follows: [bleep].
But then yes, yes, Juan Ton is taking the hot seat!! "Let's get to know this fan favorite" says Chris Harrison, and we simultaneously think "yes yes, let's do" and also "this could go terribly wrong because we don't actually know this guy at all!!" We see his best moments, including in a speedo (le sigh), his speech about looking for a woman who dances and would love his daughter, and then we watch him getting cut and This Viewer KIDS YOU NOT, women are CRYING in the viewing audience.
Juan Ton explains that he came to this show because he wanted to find someone that loved him, but loved his daughter more. That he has difficulty dating because he has his daughter on weekends, when most people are off. That he is not the stereotypical "latin." And that he is 32, so he wants a family, to have more children, to settle down, and to find someone to eat breakfast with and go to the movies.
Babies, and we have The Next Bachelor. Or at least, it's basically his to lose.
And then Abs takes the "hot seat" (we hate that name), and the BNU staff all agree that if Juan Ton has any competition, it is Abs. So Chris Harrison makes Abs view "his love affair and what went wrong" in a series of video clips. Then Abs talks about how hard it was to say goodbye, and how hard it is to find a partner in real life because, as a fluid engineer, he is spending half the year on a rig in the middle of the ocean.
And then we learn that the journal that he gave Desiree WSBB (you know, the one KMu and ABe thought was creepy but this viewer secretly loved) had a poem written in invisible ink at the back. "Do you know if Desiree ever read it?" asks Chris Harrison. And then when Abs says he does not, the Harrison gleefully reads it ot the entire viewing audience. And it is actually Not Terrible. In fact, it is probably better than anything that Chris or Desiree have written and forced All of Us to listen to every damn episode.
So then Desiree WSBB comes out in some shiny dress. And when she starts talking about "Bad Boys," we stop listening. Instead, we are fascinated by KMu's throw pillow:
"It is like little mitochondria!!" say we.
"Dude, I have not thought about that word since 10th grade," says KMu.
Then Desiree WSBB is talking to Juan Pablo about how sincere she could tell he was. He teasingly asks her why he didn't get a 1:1 date, and she says "I still think you are muy caliente and that other women would think so too." Yup, the next bachelor.
And then Abs is popping up and announcing that he has written a song. O.M.G. Someone hands him a guitar, and he starts channeling Vince Gill, and it goes something along the lines of:
It hurts the most to say goodbye
When all your love is just [something]
And when you leave with other guys
Love can dig a hole before your eyes
And we're moving on. . . I'm moving on . .
And here is our thing (All of Us). This song is actually kind of good. But this Viewer would probably start screaming if the next bachelor was continuously breaking into song. We would, however, accept A Musical as the format for the next bachelor, provided everyone has to sing.
Well darlings, the next two weeks are a Double Feature Season Finale. And ABe is leaving us because she Loves Others More. So KMu and I will hold down the fort during what Chris Harrison promises to be "the Most Dramatic Season Finale Ever."
We secretly think that Drew and Brooks Brothers run off with each other.
-KLo
posted by KLo @ 3:56 AM
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