Desiree WSBB Part 6: A Dirge for Public Education

Well, we begin Desiree WSBB Part 6 on the sofa, while Desiree begins in Barcelona.  We wonder how fair this is.  Oh!  She has "crushes" on several of the guys, and this is the perfect city to fall in love in!  As she wanders through the streets, the remaining men wander to an outdoor pub for a drink . . . in matching hoodies (essentially).  They sit around a semi-circular table and Beefy James toasts everyone in Spanish.  Our hopes of this being the Episode of Juan Ton are dashed.  Particularly when Hot Fuzz starts yammering about Beefy James.  "Great," we think to our Secret Self, "he's found a new target."

Blah blah, there will be two 1:1 dates and one group date.  Roses may or may not be given out.

Drew gets the first 1:1 date, which we are having difficulty watching because we are too busy trying to draw his hair:

Babies, we can see the comb marks like little mow lines on a golf course, so thick is his hair product.   So distracted are we that we nearly miss his attempt at an ice breaker by kissing Desiree in the first two minutes of the date. Oh! He gets butterflies around her.  We are not convinced, as we suspect that Drew also gets butterflies around Hot Fuzz and Brooks Brothers.  But at any rate, they drink from a drinking fountain for luck, find their way to a very public cafe, and then the following happens: 

Desiree WSBB: "So what makes Drew, Drew?"

Drew: + Bursts Into Tears + 

Out comes the story of his alcoholic father, who is his role-model and multiple years sober, yet now has cancer, which "no one knows" (except the entire ABC viewing audience). 

Sigh.
We are so very tired.
Just once on season Desiree WSBB, we would like to hear a suitor say "oh, my parents?  They are great, functioning, healthy adults! [and also, they think I am batshit crazy for going on this show]."

But Desiree is "moved" by this.  Kisses and reassurance commence, and soon they are walking down a dark alley towards a group of street musicians.  Upon which point Desiree actually says, "Barcelona brings out my emotional, artistic side." This Viewer, on the other hand, is thinking of the mariachi band that played over dinner a few weeks ago (iiiiieeeeeeiiiiiieeeeeeee!!!!!), and the business card This Viewer picked up thereafter:  "Marque un like en facebook" it said.  Some things are literally lost in translation.

Just as Desiree and Drew arrive at a Dark And Secluded Outdoor Corner for dinner, Drew is "overcome by the emotions" and "needs to steal her away." He grabs Desiree, takes her past the cameras and down an even darker alley, throws her up against a wall, and shoves his tongue down her throat.  Somehow, this is not romantic.  And also, we get the uneasy suspicion that Drew is accustomed to back alleys.

Desiree is overcome.  Having left the rose on the table when Drew whisked her to the Pee Stained Alley of Aggressive Copulation, she suddenly has it in her hand in the next film segment.  Oh! He accepts!!! Followed  immediately by:
"Des, I have to tell you something.  Beefy James doesn't know what will happen with you, but if he makes it into the Top 4, he thinks he'll be the next bachelor and be set for life."
Really?
REALLY?
Drew is going to bring this up?  In a dark alley? Thirty seconds after getting the rose?
This Viewer begins to drink heavily.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the next date card has come.  It is for everyone BUT Abs.  "Loooooove," it tells us.  Yay!  It is a soccer date!  We hope it is An Evening With Juan Ton, our former pro soccer player.  We become excited when ABC allows him to speak:  While he accepts the group date, he is sad that it is not a 1:1 date, as he is taking the risk of continuing to be here and not see his daughter.   Oh!! Our little Juan Ton of Love!

The next day, HashTag, Hot Fuzz, and Drew solidify their presence on This Viewer's Target Board of Rage.   Over the lunch period, they hold a secret conference under The Big Tree, where Hot Fuzz carves the initials "HF + HT, 4evR," Drew picks a scab off his arm and then shows everyone, and the three of them swap the contents of the lunches their mothers packed them while gossiping about how Drew told Desiree about Beefy James.  HashTag is all, "now I have to balance how I feel about Desiree and how I feel about this situation with James."  What?   And also, why is Hot Fuzz wearing a sweatband again?

As the guys pull up at a soccer stadium, Desiree is Excited Yet Cautious about Beefy James.  "Everyone has stuff taken out of context" in life, she philosophizes.
"Like Paula Dean?" asks KMu.

But nothing will stop We at the BNU from being excited about this date.  As Brooks Brothers observes, "Juan Ton's name literally translates into 'you have no chance; I am going after Desiree right here on this soccer field.'"  Yes sir! May this Viewer Have Another?

So the boys practice, and then Desiree WSBB announces that they will be playing against . . .a group of women.   Brooks Brothers makes a comment about "girl scouts" and HashTag jokes about "competing against a group of girls" and We (All of Us) Hate Them All.  Only Juan Ton has the appropriate response:
"Holy Shit."
He notes that these are professional female soccer players, some faster than him, and that they will play a good game.

Turns out they do.  The women handily win 10-2 (the two goals being scored by Juan Ton, muy caliente), which the disgruntled men blame on Beefy James.  We admit that they may have a point:  As goalie, Beefy James is literally standing at the net, watching the balls go by him.  At the same time, we can not believe that (a) the women would not have won anyway, or (b) Beefy James is unaccustomed to catching balls.

So blah blah, rage is building against Beefy James.  As the group moves towards the evening party, HashTag feels the need to recount, for the thousandth time, that James wants to be the next bachelor.  And now that Desiree knows, HashTag is "waiting for the right time to confront James."  Well everyone hold onto your britches, because it is a Cat Fight Tonight!

But we are more interested in 1:1 time with Chris.  As ABe has pointed out, he and Juan Ton are the Last Standing Potentially Kissable Men.  Even after this happens:
"I wrote you a poem," says Desiree.  And she reads:

Worst Poem In Bachelorette History, by Desiree WSBB
From the first night
one knee to the ground
charming and handsome
instant attraction was found.

At the dodgeball game.
It was apparent;  no shame.
On top of that roof.
Overlooking that view.
From that moment.
I knew sparks flew.

Kissing in the street.
The moments of bliss
Solidified my feelings.
In every single kiss ["except when Drew jammed his tongue down my throat," appends ABe]

As the clock ticks.
Timing never late.
For the connection to form.
From each and every date.

And a rose to 1 date.
Grant us our fate.

I look forward to the unknown
Appreciate the emotion you have shown.
And am hopeful to see.
If in your heart, I have found a home.

OH. MY. GOD.  Desiree, Like a Teen.  Writes Cow Pats that Steam.  For the Putridity of this Poem.  Cannot be UnSeen.  Her Rhyme is a Sign. As if In Real Time.  Of the Undeveloped Mind.  Caused by No Child Left Behind.

But Chris LOVES this and is deeply moved, even as Desiree says she wrote this "on" the airport.  He tucks the poem away, and they kiss.  Somehow, we segue into 1:1 time with Brooks Brothers, who says he is doing "good" [GRAMMAR RAGE], prompting ABe to note that "Him and I don't know he difference between 'well' and 'good.'"  Meanwhile, HashTag attacks Beefy James in the next room after telling the guys, AGAIN, that Beefy James told Mikey T that he was going to be the next bachelor.

As KMu has sagely observed, the misdirected homoerotic aggression in this house is really getting tiresome.

Blah blah James throws a fit.  "The bachelor has nothing to do with why I am here!"  Hot Fuzz goes apeshit and raises his voice, accusing Beefy James of auditioning for the Jersey Shore, and telling Beefy James what did or did not occur in a conversation to which Hot Fuzz was not a party.  Beefy James tosses back some bleeped out thing about what Hot Fuzz has done with the cameras off.  And then, HashTag wants Beefy James to admit what he said "man to man."
'You mean "man ON man?" queries ABe.
Chris is mortified by the whole thing and keeps telling everyone to "hush" because they are now yelling.   We are sick of all of them, but particularly Hot Fuzz, who thinks that it makes him look smarter to twist the words of Beefy James.
Finally, HashTag brings it all to a head with Desiree AGAIN by using up his 1:1 time to gossip about Beefy James and how He Is Not Here For The Right Reasons [everybody drink].

This Viewer is Taking All of the Toys and Sending Everyone Home.

Desiree declares that she is not handing out a rose and orders all of the children to leave except Beefy James.  She tearfully confronts him about what has been said, he tearfully explains himself, and they tearfully depart with no decisions having been made.  Babies, what we have here, is a failure to communicate:  Beefy James is approaching this show from the pragmatic standpoint that all but one person are going to be sent home, and so when he goes home, he will likely date, pick up on his other social life, and so forth.  And the worst that could happen is that he becomes the bachelor.  The other men don't like that world view and have decided to Stone Him To Death.  And all of this relates to a conversation off-camera that two people supposedly heard.

We are exhausted, and then enraged when HashTag feels the need to recap the situation ONE MORE TIME to the men while they wait around to see if Beefy James is coming back after his consult with Desiree.  "Just so everyone is caught up, Beefy James said he was going to be the next bachelor . . ."

Thank God that the next date is with Abs.  While he has apparently destroyed himself in a tanning bed and with teeth whitening strips, Abs appears to be someone who has at least wrestled with life a little, in a healthy way, before coming on this show.

As Abs approaches Desiree on the street at the start of this date, we see that she is sketching.  Oh look!  It is a theme!  They go to an art studio and think that they are sketching apples when really they are sketching . . . .nudes!

Babies, This Viewer was once an artist's model, before we became the Fat White Albino that lawyers become.  It was a Halcion Time, before Happiness Was Strangled from this Viewer by Big Law.

At any rate,  the guy Abs and Desiree draw, is seriously bendy.  And yes, afterwards, Abs acts as if he is going to pose nude, only to reveal himself in his underwear.  But the real story of this segment is the part where they decide to draw each other.  Gentle Readers, Abs embraces the concept of shading.
Upon viewing the Abs's drawing in all its splendor, KMu concludes:
"The Title of this thesis is:  'Desiree, Who Should Be Black.'"
ABe pees herself on the sofa.

So we like Abs, who has handled all of this cheerfully and in good sporting fun.  As they go to dinner in what appears to be the basement of a winery, we wish that he had not turned himself into the Tanning Woman.  And yet all is forgiven when Desiree WSBB asks Abs "what makes Abs?  How was your childhood?" . . . and we hold our breath . . .and then Abs says that his mother is a "bundle of joy" and that he had a good life.  Hurrah!!! While ABC inexplicably overdubs harp music into the date, Abs gets the rose.  And as they walk out, he schools Drew in the art of kissing a woman in a dark alley.  It is not gross.  But we worry a little when he tells her that "you mean everything to me" and then tells the camera that he loves her.  Oh dear.

Back at the hotel, the chick fight continues with Beefy James, who has now asked Drew to provide him with his "perspective on everything."  Soon everyone is yelling except Juan Ton, who has curled himself in the corner of embarrassment at being part of this scene.  We are firmly on Team Juan Ton.

The next morning, Desiree comes to get Beefy James for a talk.  While he dances for his life, we don't care anymore because we hate Desiree's outfit.  It consists of skin-tight electric blue velour jeans, black ankle boots, and a black tank top.  Desiree, you are not Madonna, nor should you dress like she did in 1986.

Back Beefy James comes to the house, and one hard edit later we are at the rose ceremony.  No cocktail party is happening first, for which This Viewer is grateful because it limits the time upon which this Viewer must gaze at Desiree's dress.

So when this Viewer's sister, SHa, was in high school, she had a velour stretch mini dress with long sleeves, imprinted with roses.  And while we understand that fashion is cyclical, we secretly and fervently wished that such dress did not Make Its Return on the Bachelorette.  We are disappointed to see that our wish has flung itself off the balcony.

Without further ado, joining Drew and Abs with roses are:
1.  Chris.  YAY.
2.  Brooks Brothers, aaaaaand. . .
3.  Hot Fuzz.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.  We don't care that HashTag and Beefy James are gone.  In fact, we are thrilled.  But our Juantonito is heartbroken.  He politely says goodbye to Des, and then cries a little to the camera, noting that he wants a family and siblings for his daughter, and says it is very difficult to date as a single parent.  Sigh.

Stay tuned for next week, when ABC leads us to believe that Drew Comes Out of the Closet, breaking Desiree's heart, and she Retaliates by Sending Everyone Home.

-KLo