Desiree WSBB Part 7: Have Some Madeira, M'Dear
Ah, babies, we begin Desiree WSBB in Madeira, Portugal. As we prepare ourselves a dinner of wine and chocolate malt balls, we softly sing:
"Have some Madeira, m'dear. You really have nothing to fear.
I'm not trying to tempt you, that wouldn't be right.
You shouldn't drink spirits at this time of night. . . . "
And yet Here We Are. Gentle readers, we Must Stop Meeting This Way.
Someone says something about a tropical paradise, waves are crashing, Abs is saying Portugal is a "hidden pearl," and suddenly we find that they are all driving the tip of an elongated sailing vessel directly towards an opening in the cliffs. ABC could not be more subtle. But then Drew says something about this place being "built for love," and now we cannot stop laughing because this happened 5 minutes ago:
This Viewer: "We are suspicious about Drew. He has no privates."
ABe: "Privates???"
This Viewer: "He is like a Ken Doll."
KMu: "This is one of the great minds of our time [This Viewer thinks KMu is Being Sarcastic], and she is talking about whether He is Smooth Down There."
ABe: "Ooo, chocolate malt balls!!"
KMu: "Which Drew apparently doesn't have any of."
ANYWAY, Desiree WSBB announces that there will be three 1:1 dates and one 2:1 date this episode, except no one goes home if they don't get a rose. But we are more interested in the fact that Hillshire, Le Democrat, and some chick named Jackie from season Pringles have come to give Desiree input on the remaining men! YAY, Le Democrat!!!
Hillshire's caption under her name now reads "Catherine, Sean's Fiance." And his advice, per her, is to "give Desiree good advice."
KMu is irritated: "Why doesn't it just say, "Hillshire, Chattel? And also, good advice as opposed to what? Hey Catherine, I hope you give her some really bad advice."
So, while the women lear at the remaining contestants with binoculars, Desiree ranks them. This must be incredibly awkward to watch back for whomever gets picked in the end: Chris is supportive, Brooks Brothers is positive and fun but may not be ready for something more serious, Hot Fuzz is "a federal prosecutor, so he's smart" (hahahahhaa), and Drew is "sweet." But worse still: Drew is the best kisser (what??), Hot Fuzz is the most "successful," Chris is athletic, Drew has the best body (what??), Brooks Brothers has the best eyes, and Abs is the most adventurous.
Hillshire wants to know who has the biggest pizzle. Le Democrat nearly spills her drink.
But now that Desiree has signed everyone's yearbook, she is exclaiming that she Cannot Believe she may get engaged at the end of this!!
Says KMu: "It's so weird. I have been on this show now, twice, trying to get engaged. It is totally crazy and unexpected that I might be getting engaged at the end of it!!"
And just like that, we are off to date #1 with Brooks Brothers. This involves driving around in a sports car, and leaning over the edges of cliffs while drinking heavily. BB seems nice enough, but he just doesn't seem to have any Snap. Their conversation ranges along:
"holy cow!"
"look!"
"so pretty!'
"thanks for inviting me!'
And then Brooks Brothers starts talking about how he's fitting the puzzle together with her, and how things are "so easy between us because I don't have to think about when I'm going to hold your hand or put my hand on your leg in the car."
Really? REALLY? We suddenly see inside Brooks Brothers' brain: "Ok, it's been five minutes. Yawn and stretch towards her knee." We are broken-hearted for the State of Romance, Everywhere.
But ABe has bigger issues: "Watching this show has made me so angry about men's hair."
And it is so true. Brooks Brothers is now yammering about being on cloud nine, and his hair is attempting to blow with freedom amongst clouds 1-8, except it is loaded down with So Much Crapspackle that it can only muster a one finger salute.
But now Desiree has seized upon the concept of Cloud Nine. Oh, they are "lost in Cloud Nine." They are yelling about "we are on Cloud Nine." and she is welcoming him to "Cloud Nine." Rage.
And soon, we are at dinner, and she is wearing a short and spangly skirt. They toast to the best day ever, talk about his family, and about what words describe the steps between "like" and "love."
Hm, this is an interesting exercise.
"Stepping, skipping, running, finish line!" says Desiree.
"Crush Boy, Unrequited Hots, Requited Hots, Six Month Tolerance. . . . " this Viewer gets tired.
And then, we know we are supposed to be paying attention to the fireworks that are going off at the end of this date and feeling the Romance Of It All, but we at the BNU are mourning the loss of Juan Ton. KMu has found some website With Photos Of Him.
"Dulce Jesus," she swears.
"Por favor," we whisper.
MILDLY more interesting is Desiree's date with Chris next. "Let's Sea if we can find love here," read the date card.
As they walk towards yet another Sailing Vessel, the remaining boys spy on them from up on a cliff: "At least he isn't holding her hand!" says one of them. "We can see you!!" shouts another. Is this really happening?
So Chris and Desiree WSBB go to their own "private island" and have a picnic. We are brokenhearted because Chris says "It's only her and I." We hope a grammar textbook washes up on shore.
They grease each other up with sunscreen and talk about sexual tension, and then settle down to write a poem together to put in a bottle. This is a nice idea, but personally, this Viewer is far more likely to throw poetry out to sea when feeling particularly depressed and Old Cattish, and not as a team-building exercise.
Worse still, it is a Terrible Poem:
"Experiences we share together keep memories close to the heart
So that, with time, love can never part no matter the distance or time away
Know that I'm out there, thinking of you. . . blah blah rhymey rhyme.
Dear Desiree WSBB, Chris, and The World: This, THIS is a poem to hurl out to sea:
Time does not bring relief; You all have lied,
who told me time would ease me of my pain.
I miss him at weeping of the rain;
I want him in the shrinking of the tide . . .
We wish Edna St. Vincent Millay was the bachelorette, because she would Cut These Turkeys Like This Viewer's Neighbor, Dennis.
Predictably, Chris and Desiree throw their bottle out to sea and then share a meaningful kiss on the rocks. At dinner, they talk about their awesome date and how big a family she wants. Desiree thinks three children, because she wants a tight-knit family.
"Yes, I want a tight-knit family, as opposed to one that is horribly estranged," says KMu.
But Gentle readers, Chris comes from a family of TEN, and we believe him to be mormon. This is not going to end well. But Chris does not see the warning signs, because he is now all sweaty and wanting to tell her that he loves her. And yet, and yet, he cannot just tell her. Instead, he must tell her In Verse.
"Individually defined," By Chris Who Deserves Desiree WSBB and Her Terrible Poetry.
'The strongest word with so much meaning
hard to say without a stammer
But when expressed with true feeling, sincere for
no other word can mean so much more. . .
[BLAH BLAH RHYME for 10 more minutes. .. . "in every kiss, I truly say I love you."
"He's cute, but that poem was terrible," says ABe, for All of Us.
At least it "melted" Desiree's heart. They end this date kissing in the trees.
Next up to bat is Hot Fuzz. "Let's have fun in Funchal," it said. They are apparently going to be walking around and exploring the city. We don't care because we hate her hair. "Gahhhh, Princess Leia wore her hair like that in Return of the Jedi," objects ABe. We also hate her outfit, which looks like a purple unitard covered by a mexican poncho. What. T. F.
Hot Fuzz is enamored: "I feel if we had a scavenger hunt for the best woman, and she had 47 qualities, Des would have 48!"
We at the BNU would have 50, bitches.
So this is basically . . .meh. They talk on some ledge about how Hot Fuzz was "meant to go" on this journey, and then they nearly get killed tobogganing down a hill in some odd sofa-looking contraption. At dinner, he is wearing a t-shirt, a jacket, and a pocket handkerchief. He talks about being a child, his father leaving, his mother raising them, how he doesn't want his tombstone to say "prosecuted 700 people," and oh dear oh dear oh dear. . .she is bored.
But then something changes in our hearts for Hot Fuzz. He talks about how he fell in love with his last girlfriend and they moved in together, only to discover that she was cheating on him through facebook. It took him a year to get over her. And this is our thing: No One Needs to Go through That.
This date ends with them admiring the singing of a terrifying Portugese woman in the street.
At last, it is date #4: the dreaded 2:1 date with Drew and Abs. "I'm looking for a man who can make my heart race" said the card.
"What do you think the card means???" wonders someone.
"Dude, I think we're going to have a race," says someone else.
A Showcase of Great Minds, this Show.
We have very little comment on this date. Predictably, they have shown up at a go cart track. Desiree is worried that Abs is not feeling like himself, as he is a little reserved. But he and Drew race, and Abs wins handily. The most interesting part of this is Drew's hair:
"Wait, he just took his helmet off, and that is literally helmet hair," says KMu about Drew's dustcap, which has not moved one inch.
Apparently, winning the go cart race results in the first 1:1 time. So Abs takes off with Desiree to show her some pictures he has drawn. And they Are Awesome. The first is of his. . .abs. The second is a scene from Portugal. And the third is a scene from Munich, Germany, with bloody claw marks all over it intended to represent how he feels when they kiss. He confesses his love, she likes to see him happy . . .and, scene.
Next up is Drew. In his 1:1 time, he talks about his disabled sister, and how he's never had "this feeling for anyone" and swears he is falling in love with her. We are critically assessing the kiss: He kissed a girl, but did he like it? The taste of her cherry chapstick. . . It felt so wrong, it felt so right?
But KMu has made a more important observation:
"Wait, so we've had Brooks Brothers, Chris, Abs, and Drew all confess their love, and Hot Fuzz confess his heading in that direction, all in the same episode. Is that some kind of record?" wonders she.
"Which ones are straight, though," queries KMu.
Drew gets the rose on this date, leaving Abs heartbroken. We actually like Abs, as he is the most interesting one in the group despite looking like a PSA warning against the evils of tanning beds.
At last, it is the rose ceremony. And Chris, making up for all bad grammar and bad poems, is wearing a jacket with elbow patches. This viewer LOVES an elbow patch. We secretly imagine Juan Ton in a jacket with elbow patches. Le Sigh.
But then, we see Desiree's dress, and are confused. It is perfectly fine, standard issue turquoise skin-tight high-necked thing. Precisely what would make This Viewer Look Like a BattleShip . But is the back drape connected? We examine it from all angles.
Even though this episode has been interminable to date, we next must sit through time with Chris Harrison before finding out who Desiree cuts. She tells him that Drew is the most good-looking guy she ever met.
"Did she SEE Juan Ton?" demands ABe.
She also starts to cry when Brooks Brothers' name comes up. He did NOT tell her he loves her, but she is nearly at the "finish line" with him emotionally, though she swears there is room for another man in her heart, such as Chris. We are unconvinced. And also, we don't know what ABC is up to, because usually they don't let the bachelorette talk about who she has basically picked.
In any event, we segue into her speech to the men, and then she picks, to join Drew,
1. Brooks Brothers.
2. Chris, aaaaaand. . .
3. Abs.
Hot Fuzz is going home. And he is very graceful about it, making This Viewer feel guilty about maligning him. He tells her that he was ready to commit to her for the rest of his life, but that she has a great group of men, and he wishes her the best. He then calls his mother in the cab on the way home, who says "oh no, not again," when he tells her he has been dumped. We genuinely feel bad for him.
Stay tuned for next week, when Desiree's brother lurks in the corner.
-KLo
"Have some Madeira, m'dear. You really have nothing to fear.
I'm not trying to tempt you, that wouldn't be right.
You shouldn't drink spirits at this time of night. . . . "
And yet Here We Are. Gentle readers, we Must Stop Meeting This Way.
Someone says something about a tropical paradise, waves are crashing, Abs is saying Portugal is a "hidden pearl," and suddenly we find that they are all driving the tip of an elongated sailing vessel directly towards an opening in the cliffs. ABC could not be more subtle. But then Drew says something about this place being "built for love," and now we cannot stop laughing because this happened 5 minutes ago:
This Viewer: "We are suspicious about Drew. He has no privates."
ABe: "Privates???"
This Viewer: "He is like a Ken Doll."
KMu: "This is one of the great minds of our time [This Viewer thinks KMu is Being Sarcastic], and she is talking about whether He is Smooth Down There."
ABe: "Ooo, chocolate malt balls!!"
KMu: "Which Drew apparently doesn't have any of."
ANYWAY, Desiree WSBB announces that there will be three 1:1 dates and one 2:1 date this episode, except no one goes home if they don't get a rose. But we are more interested in the fact that Hillshire, Le Democrat, and some chick named Jackie from season Pringles have come to give Desiree input on the remaining men! YAY, Le Democrat!!!
Hillshire's caption under her name now reads "Catherine, Sean's Fiance." And his advice, per her, is to "give Desiree good advice."
KMu is irritated: "Why doesn't it just say, "Hillshire, Chattel? And also, good advice as opposed to what? Hey Catherine, I hope you give her some really bad advice."
So, while the women lear at the remaining contestants with binoculars, Desiree ranks them. This must be incredibly awkward to watch back for whomever gets picked in the end: Chris is supportive, Brooks Brothers is positive and fun but may not be ready for something more serious, Hot Fuzz is "a federal prosecutor, so he's smart" (hahahahhaa), and Drew is "sweet." But worse still: Drew is the best kisser (what??), Hot Fuzz is the most "successful," Chris is athletic, Drew has the best body (what??), Brooks Brothers has the best eyes, and Abs is the most adventurous.
Hillshire wants to know who has the biggest pizzle. Le Democrat nearly spills her drink.
But now that Desiree has signed everyone's yearbook, she is exclaiming that she Cannot Believe she may get engaged at the end of this!!
Says KMu: "It's so weird. I have been on this show now, twice, trying to get engaged. It is totally crazy and unexpected that I might be getting engaged at the end of it!!"
And just like that, we are off to date #1 with Brooks Brothers. This involves driving around in a sports car, and leaning over the edges of cliffs while drinking heavily. BB seems nice enough, but he just doesn't seem to have any Snap. Their conversation ranges along:
"holy cow!"
"look!"
"so pretty!'
"thanks for inviting me!'
And then Brooks Brothers starts talking about how he's fitting the puzzle together with her, and how things are "so easy between us because I don't have to think about when I'm going to hold your hand or put my hand on your leg in the car."
Really? REALLY? We suddenly see inside Brooks Brothers' brain: "Ok, it's been five minutes. Yawn and stretch towards her knee." We are broken-hearted for the State of Romance, Everywhere.
But ABe has bigger issues: "Watching this show has made me so angry about men's hair."
And it is so true. Brooks Brothers is now yammering about being on cloud nine, and his hair is attempting to blow with freedom amongst clouds 1-8, except it is loaded down with So Much Crapspackle that it can only muster a one finger salute.
But now Desiree has seized upon the concept of Cloud Nine. Oh, they are "lost in Cloud Nine." They are yelling about "we are on Cloud Nine." and she is welcoming him to "Cloud Nine." Rage.
And soon, we are at dinner, and she is wearing a short and spangly skirt. They toast to the best day ever, talk about his family, and about what words describe the steps between "like" and "love."
Hm, this is an interesting exercise.
"Stepping, skipping, running, finish line!" says Desiree.
"Crush Boy, Unrequited Hots, Requited Hots, Six Month Tolerance. . . . " this Viewer gets tired.
And then, we know we are supposed to be paying attention to the fireworks that are going off at the end of this date and feeling the Romance Of It All, but we at the BNU are mourning the loss of Juan Ton. KMu has found some website With Photos Of Him.
"Dulce Jesus," she swears.
"Por favor," we whisper.
MILDLY more interesting is Desiree's date with Chris next. "Let's Sea if we can find love here," read the date card.
As they walk towards yet another Sailing Vessel, the remaining boys spy on them from up on a cliff: "At least he isn't holding her hand!" says one of them. "We can see you!!" shouts another. Is this really happening?
So Chris and Desiree WSBB go to their own "private island" and have a picnic. We are brokenhearted because Chris says "It's only her and I." We hope a grammar textbook washes up on shore.
They grease each other up with sunscreen and talk about sexual tension, and then settle down to write a poem together to put in a bottle. This is a nice idea, but personally, this Viewer is far more likely to throw poetry out to sea when feeling particularly depressed and Old Cattish, and not as a team-building exercise.
Worse still, it is a Terrible Poem:
"Experiences we share together keep memories close to the heart
So that, with time, love can never part no matter the distance or time away
Know that I'm out there, thinking of you. . . blah blah rhymey rhyme.
Dear Desiree WSBB, Chris, and The World: This, THIS is a poem to hurl out to sea:
Time does not bring relief; You all have lied,
who told me time would ease me of my pain.
I miss him at weeping of the rain;
I want him in the shrinking of the tide . . .
We wish Edna St. Vincent Millay was the bachelorette, because she would Cut These Turkeys Like This Viewer's Neighbor, Dennis.
Predictably, Chris and Desiree throw their bottle out to sea and then share a meaningful kiss on the rocks. At dinner, they talk about their awesome date and how big a family she wants. Desiree thinks three children, because she wants a tight-knit family.
"Yes, I want a tight-knit family, as opposed to one that is horribly estranged," says KMu.
But Gentle readers, Chris comes from a family of TEN, and we believe him to be mormon. This is not going to end well. But Chris does not see the warning signs, because he is now all sweaty and wanting to tell her that he loves her. And yet, and yet, he cannot just tell her. Instead, he must tell her In Verse.
"Individually defined," By Chris Who Deserves Desiree WSBB and Her Terrible Poetry.
'The strongest word with so much meaning
hard to say without a stammer
But when expressed with true feeling, sincere for
no other word can mean so much more. . .
[BLAH BLAH RHYME for 10 more minutes. .. . "in every kiss, I truly say I love you."
"He's cute, but that poem was terrible," says ABe, for All of Us.
At least it "melted" Desiree's heart. They end this date kissing in the trees.
Next up to bat is Hot Fuzz. "Let's have fun in Funchal," it said. They are apparently going to be walking around and exploring the city. We don't care because we hate her hair. "Gahhhh, Princess Leia wore her hair like that in Return of the Jedi," objects ABe. We also hate her outfit, which looks like a purple unitard covered by a mexican poncho. What. T. F.
Hot Fuzz is enamored: "I feel if we had a scavenger hunt for the best woman, and she had 47 qualities, Des would have 48!"
We at the BNU would have 50, bitches.
So this is basically . . .meh. They talk on some ledge about how Hot Fuzz was "meant to go" on this journey, and then they nearly get killed tobogganing down a hill in some odd sofa-looking contraption. At dinner, he is wearing a t-shirt, a jacket, and a pocket handkerchief. He talks about being a child, his father leaving, his mother raising them, how he doesn't want his tombstone to say "prosecuted 700 people," and oh dear oh dear oh dear. . .she is bored.
But then something changes in our hearts for Hot Fuzz. He talks about how he fell in love with his last girlfriend and they moved in together, only to discover that she was cheating on him through facebook. It took him a year to get over her. And this is our thing: No One Needs to Go through That.
This date ends with them admiring the singing of a terrifying Portugese woman in the street.
At last, it is date #4: the dreaded 2:1 date with Drew and Abs. "I'm looking for a man who can make my heart race" said the card.
"What do you think the card means???" wonders someone.
"Dude, I think we're going to have a race," says someone else.
A Showcase of Great Minds, this Show.
We have very little comment on this date. Predictably, they have shown up at a go cart track. Desiree is worried that Abs is not feeling like himself, as he is a little reserved. But he and Drew race, and Abs wins handily. The most interesting part of this is Drew's hair:
"Wait, he just took his helmet off, and that is literally helmet hair," says KMu about Drew's dustcap, which has not moved one inch.
Apparently, winning the go cart race results in the first 1:1 time. So Abs takes off with Desiree to show her some pictures he has drawn. And they Are Awesome. The first is of his. . .abs. The second is a scene from Portugal. And the third is a scene from Munich, Germany, with bloody claw marks all over it intended to represent how he feels when they kiss. He confesses his love, she likes to see him happy . . .and, scene.
Next up is Drew. In his 1:1 time, he talks about his disabled sister, and how he's never had "this feeling for anyone" and swears he is falling in love with her. We are critically assessing the kiss: He kissed a girl, but did he like it? The taste of her cherry chapstick. . . It felt so wrong, it felt so right?
But KMu has made a more important observation:
"Wait, so we've had Brooks Brothers, Chris, Abs, and Drew all confess their love, and Hot Fuzz confess his heading in that direction, all in the same episode. Is that some kind of record?" wonders she.
"Which ones are straight, though," queries KMu.
Drew gets the rose on this date, leaving Abs heartbroken. We actually like Abs, as he is the most interesting one in the group despite looking like a PSA warning against the evils of tanning beds.
At last, it is the rose ceremony. And Chris, making up for all bad grammar and bad poems, is wearing a jacket with elbow patches. This viewer LOVES an elbow patch. We secretly imagine Juan Ton in a jacket with elbow patches. Le Sigh.
But then, we see Desiree's dress, and are confused. It is perfectly fine, standard issue turquoise skin-tight high-necked thing. Precisely what would make This Viewer Look Like a BattleShip . But is the back drape connected? We examine it from all angles.
Even though this episode has been interminable to date, we next must sit through time with Chris Harrison before finding out who Desiree cuts. She tells him that Drew is the most good-looking guy she ever met.
"Did she SEE Juan Ton?" demands ABe.
She also starts to cry when Brooks Brothers' name comes up. He did NOT tell her he loves her, but she is nearly at the "finish line" with him emotionally, though she swears there is room for another man in her heart, such as Chris. We are unconvinced. And also, we don't know what ABC is up to, because usually they don't let the bachelorette talk about who she has basically picked.
In any event, we segue into her speech to the men, and then she picks, to join Drew,
1. Brooks Brothers.
2. Chris, aaaaaand. . .
3. Abs.
Hot Fuzz is going home. And he is very graceful about it, making This Viewer feel guilty about maligning him. He tells her that he was ready to commit to her for the rest of his life, but that she has a great group of men, and he wishes her the best. He then calls his mother in the cab on the way home, who says "oh no, not again," when he tells her he has been dumped. We genuinely feel bad for him.
Stay tuned for next week, when Desiree's brother lurks in the corner.
-KLo
posted by KLo @ 4:05 AM
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