Juan Ton Part 1: Un Triscuit Y Veintisiete Mujeres
Thanks to ABC easing us into it last night, we are Armed (read: alcohol at our elbow) and Ready for the Most Hated of All Bachelor Episodes: the revolving door of look-alike women that is Episode 1. First, a recap of the preview that we all saw yesterday: coming up this season there will be kisses! Some in the water! And also, happiness! And a lime green maxi-dress! But there is a TESOL component this season as well!
"Bella" whispers Juan Ton to some unnamed woman, likely weeks from now.
"What does that mean?" she giggles.
For a woman coming from Generation T (generation Twilight), we have No Words.
Then we see the Public Toilet Cry from some other episode. Again. We are already sick of this scene.
Aaaand now we are in The Present, or at least sort of The Present, as we watch Juan Ton at his Bachelor photo shoot. And running with his shirt off. We hear all the things we heard yesterday, because ABC uses the same clips - single dad, 32, daughter Camilla, sports and entertainment consultant. And then we learn that he wants two more children BADLY, and that being "El Bachelor" is a highlight of his life. Oh, and that he speaks the "language of looooove." We laugh delightedly in spite of ourselves.
But then we are excited, because we see Camilla (and learn that she is going to be staying with Juan Ton's parents at Juan Ton's bachelor mansion for the first leg of this). And she has an Owl pillow. And it is the Same Owl That This Viewer Has Hanging From Her Car Mirror. *Gasp.* This Viewer and a 4-year-old Latina from Florida MIGHT BE TWINS. As Camilla and Juan Ton speak Spanish to each other, this Viewer's body relaxes into the familiarity. While This Viewer doesn't speak The Spanish very well any more, it is still a lot better than The French. We sigh into our alcohol.
So. . Pringles just happens to be in the neighborhood, because Juan Ton "called" him. Yeah, right. As they sit down for a fireside chat, we realize that Juan Ton is AGAIN wearing the Salmon Shorts of Rage. This merely confirms our suspicion that he got them off of Pringles. But Pringles is blabbing on about how this is where Juan Ton's "journey begins," and Juan Ton is saying how he would prefer "Adventura" and making jokes about how he never went on an individual date when he was on season Desiree Who Should Be Black. And then he teaches Pringles how to dance salsa, and then they take their shirts off and we feel Awkward. Though in retrospect, we like this Juan Ton (Relaxes Juan Ton) better than the Juan Ton we are about to witness.
One hard edit later, and now Chris Harrison is telling us that we should take a closer look at the chattel for this season . Which is what we thought we did last night? Oh well, here they are:
1. Chelsea, a 24 year old blonde from Ohio with a mouth like a banana clip (Ladies of the '80s, you Know What That Is). She describes herself as "silly" and "fun, outgoing!" She is a "science educator."
2. Renee, 31 years old and from Sarasota, Fl. Single mom. Athletic. 8 yo son who is also apparently athletic and brilliant. She describes Juan Ton as "super attractive" and so they "have a lot in common." Despite that comment, which is probably the result of ABC editing, we like her. She does Not Appear to Simper.
3. Andi. A 26 year old assistant prosecutor from Georgia . HA HA HA, NOOOOOOO. She is actually taped in court, and she is looking all the world like a baby reading from a script, which makes sense because she's probably been out of law school one year or less. We hear ABe in our minds, from all the Law & Order episodes she has watched, screaming "Your Honor, I request a Remand!!!" ABC bills her as tough as nails at work (short skirt, long jacket, deeply v-necked top), but a romantic at heart (in a virginally white, high-necked lacy dress, naturally) in her spare time. We are confident that is *exactly* how this Viewer's coworkers view her as well.
4. Amy, 31. A California Massage therapist that This Viewer Shall Call "Orgasma" because she basically has one while taping herself giving some unknown person a massage . Babies, she is an "Artist of the Body," but none of the men she has ever dated enjoy massage. And also, he does yoga. And also, she does a "here comes the airplane, open up!!!" with a spoonful of food to the camera . . .for Juan Ton. We are horrified.
5. Nikki, a 26 year old Pediatric nurse who loves her job and doesn't want to settle for anyone. She is a sweet little thing.
6. Lauren, 25, from Oklahoma. We met her yesterday and she is a Hot Mess. Met a guy one year ago, got engaged in six weeks, and then broke it off a few months before getting on the show. Oh dear. She is a minerals consultant of some sort. We think she should get together with the oil engineer, Abs, from Season Desiree WSBB. They would have perfect, strong-jawed, white-teethed, uber-tan little children who know their way around large equipment.
7. Valerie from South Dakota, 26. She is a personal trainer. "Not only am I a pretty girl, but I am not afraid to file these things [her nails] down" she says. We don't like Valerie.
8. Lacy, 25, who runs a nursing home and has a family of 13, nine with special needs. Did we mention that she opened her first senior care center at age 20? We feel completely like an under-achiever, even though she's got a bit of a Mother Theresa thing going on that we don't know how we feel about.
9. Clare. From California. Youngest of six girls. Her dad died of brain cancer but made a DVD for her future husband that she hopes Juan Ton gets to watch. She is allegedly part mexican. And while there is nothing exactly. . . wrong, all This Viewer can think is "ohnoohnoohno, this one is a bitch." And also, she looks EXACTLY like Norma Cassidy in the greatest movie of all time: Victor/Victoria.
To Whit:
Chris Harrison breaks the news that there will be 27 women instead of 25 this season, and then suddenly we are back to counting because they are all coming out of limos. Did we mention a Hatred For This Episode yet?
So Limo #1 comes and we have:
1. Another Amy, this one from Florida. We hope Orgasma gets cut so we can keep the two of them straight.
2. Cassandra, a TWENTY-ONE year old former NBA Dancer that we later learn is now a makeup artist. Seriously, ABC? Juan Ton is 32 with a daughter, and you give him a ninny who may or may not be in college still? And also, they stare at each other for at least 30 seconds with nothing to say. We cringe and grope for alcohol. But we know that she will get through to the next round because she is Very Pretty.
3. Chris-Kristy from Chicago. At least she isn't wearing that ghost-lollypop top.
4. Christine, 23, a "police support specialist" who brought a bracelet for Juan Ton's daughter.
5. Nurse Nikki, in a dress that looks like a spiderweb over black velvet. It works for Juan Ton, who is Stricken With Her Beauty.
But we are starting to get nervous about Juan Ton. When he is nervous, he loses the laughing, easy edge that we saw earlier. And becomes a Teacher Of All Things To the Emotionally Deaf. "You are going to go in the house," he gently and slowly explains to one woman. "There is no need to be nervous, and also I like your dress" he says to another, with the same air of Imparting Paternal Words of Wisdom. Oh dear.
Before we can ponder this further, Limo #2 arrives with:
6. Kat, 26, who claims to be a dancer but doesn't know how to salsa. She "smells good" says Juan Ton to the Camera and also, to All of Us. We suddenly feel like we are watching Ghost Dudes with SKu: "Dude, Dude Dude, did you feel that? I felt a cold energy brush my hand! Could this be the Ghost of Aunt Bessie, Touching Me from the Grave??" And we feel the frustration of never being able to validate the sensory experience alleged by the person on television.
7. Chantel, the first black woman we have seen thus far, unless one of the other blonde tan people are making such a claim.
8. Victoria, 24, a legal assistant from Brazil. They talk Span-Portuguese to each other and it is sweet.
9. OMG, Lacy. A "free spririt" who arrives in a bedsheet with fake white roses in her hair. She doesn't wear shoes because she doesn't want to be "too tall." We later learn that she doesn't wear shoes because "all real hippies don't wear shoes." We conclude that Lacy doesn't really know why she didn't show up with shoes. Even this Viewer is Not Such a Twit.
10. Daniella, 25, a psychiatric nurse. She has a "present for" Juan Ton inside. We wonder if it is a restraint vest.
11. A woman biking up the driveway with a Piano. She almost doesn't make it. And she hits a couple wrong notes before breathlessly telling Juan Ton that she is a composer and music is her life. Oh, and her name is Lauren. We are terrified.
Immediately thereafter, arrives Limo #3 with:
12. Banana mouthed Chelsea.
13. Valerie the personal trainer with the claws. And also, apparently, cowboy boots.
14. Elise, the 1st grade teacher we met yesterday in the orange lace tablecloth World of No.
15. Ashley, 25, another teacher who gives Juan Ton a Gold Star for doing something good (showing up). We sink into our sweatshirt hood and drink.
16. Norma Cassidy, looking like this:
And also, pretending to be pregnant. We hate this woman.
17. Alli from Chicago. We think she is the nanny from yesterday, but she introduces herself as a soccer person who "plays with the boys, so I can keep up."
And then we've stopped counting the limos, because we see:
18. Orgasma, in a solid gold lame dress that looks like a trash barrel on the bottom, capped with a halter top, held up by a lanyard. We Hate This Dress.
19. Renee the single mom, who tells Juan Ton immediately that she is one. Props to her.
20. Lauren the Hot Mess from Oklahoma.
21. Maggie, 24, we don't know what she does. Probably a teacher. She is also deeply southern. "Ahhh got yew a feesh hook," she drawls. "Ah would love to go feeshing with yew."
22. A 27 year old "dog lover," named Kelly. AND her dog, who is wearing a scarf. We are so mad that ABC cast This Viewer's Namesake as a Crazy Person that we Have No words.
23. Lacy the nursing home owner who gives him a prescription from "Cupid's Pharmacy," and tells him twice, to take it an "think of me." We sink further into mortificiation.
24. Alexis, 24. We know nothing about her. And also were not paying attention.
25. Kylie, 23. Still not paying any attention.
26. Sharleen, a completely self-possessed professional opera singer who is neither wearing a dress cut down to her navel nor talking with a baby voice. We blink and are disoriented by the presence of a Perfectly Normal Woman amidst the crowd . Juan Ton is swept away.
27. Andi, the prosecutor.
We can already tell that it is going to be a difficult season because poor Juan Ton has been given no ladies who can be distinguished from the others, except perhaps Sharleen. We have a real worry for him, particularly as the night wears on and we see that he is drawn to the ones who do NOT make the goo goo eyes and who DO appear to have real careers and interests. Exactly one or two of them.
So Chris Harrison reminds Juan Ton that he has a First Impression Rose to give out, and then throws him into the house. Juan Ton blinks, Sharleen hands him a stiff drink, and then he says what we're all thinking it must be like: "it's weird to have all their eyes on you." We remember an old SNL skit about une triscuit y dos mujeres (one triscuit and two women) and suddenly we understand that Juan Ton is La Triscuit, and we feel a little bad for him.
So he flees (as would we). But he returns later with some music and they have a dance party. And play in a photo booth. And after the Ladies are allegedly slightly more loosened up, he peels them away for 1:1 time. We see Nurse Nikki, Renee the single mom, and Lucy the free spirit (who puts her feet up on him). Then Orgasma gives him a table massage in the courtyard and, while rubbing him down, says she thinks they have a lot in common and that he is "beautiful." This Viewer Hides In Shame.
All of a sudden, the 1st Impression Rose is laid upon the table, and everyone starts freaking out. Maggie declares "eets nawt jist ah rose, eets mah future." But Lauren from Oklahoma completely breaks down. Oh! She thought she had her shit together but she does not! Oh! She's convinced that she and Juan Ton would be Perfect but the trauma of her 1 year whirl-wind relationship is getting to her! She thought she dealt with it but she has not!! (while she tells Juan Ton a little later that she is "totally over it"). She cries on the sofa. She cries in the kitchen. She cries on garden furniture.
After awhile, This Viewer gets sick of it and is strongly tempted to smack Lauren. At some point, a lady has to put on her Big Girl Panties because Juan Ton is not going to Get Through Life For You. Which is apparently what she is looking for. Their 1:1 time is painful.
In yet more 1:1 time, we learn that Andi the prosecutor "doesn't read a lot" and "doesn't like to read." She just likes to put people in jail. And some other chick brings a shellacked puzzle that is a photo of Juan Ton, and tells him she is the missing piece.
Just when we think we can't stand it any more, Juan Ton finds Sharleen. And she tells him about living in Germany,where she was for work. And trying not to eat so much meat, which is difficult in Germany because you order pea soup and it comes with a "giant wanker on top," and we love her. And so does Juan Ton, who tells All Of Us that she has "Mundo,". . she has "world," .. . and that he likes the perspective that she has because she's lived somewhere else. He runs off to get the first impression rose, leaving Sharleen sitting on the lawn furniture feeling . . .. ..
distraught because she doesn't feel like she has a spark with him. OH DEAR LORD this has never happened with a First Impression Rose in the history of the bachelor and This Viewer Might Die. Juan Ton comes with the rose and offers it to her, and after a painful, PAINFUL pause, she. .. says "sure."
Juan Ton reads her body language to say she was "so surprised she didn't know what to say."
This Viewer reads her body language like, "fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. Now I have a decision to make. Oh well, it will make a good story for me to say C for continue. I can always go back to Germany."
And to join Sharleen with roses, he promptly thereafter picks:
1. Norma Cassidy.
2. Nurse Nikki
3. Renee, the mom.
4. Andi the prosecutor
5. Alli from CHicago.
6. Chantal
7. One of the Laurens.
8. Kelly AND her dog.
9. Cassandra the NBA dancer/makeup artist.
10. Daniella.
11. Chelsea.
12. Kat -- after an awkward moment in which Kylie thought he said her name.
13. Victoria.
14. Chris-Kristy.
15. Lucy the free spirit. Who skips, twirls, and dances to and from him. Really???
16. Elise.
17. Amy (not Orgasma).
Orgasma is crushed. Lauren from Oklahoma is crushed. Kylie is crushed but we are thankful because we only just now got a good look at her dress and it is pink chiffon over pink satin. We would have cut her too.
Stay tuned for next week, when the Trauma Continues.
-KLo
"Bella" whispers Juan Ton to some unnamed woman, likely weeks from now.
"What does that mean?" she giggles.
For a woman coming from Generation T (generation Twilight), we have No Words.
Then we see the Public Toilet Cry from some other episode. Again. We are already sick of this scene.
Aaaand now we are in The Present, or at least sort of The Present, as we watch Juan Ton at his Bachelor photo shoot. And running with his shirt off. We hear all the things we heard yesterday, because ABC uses the same clips - single dad, 32, daughter Camilla, sports and entertainment consultant. And then we learn that he wants two more children BADLY, and that being "El Bachelor" is a highlight of his life. Oh, and that he speaks the "language of looooove." We laugh delightedly in spite of ourselves.
But then we are excited, because we see Camilla (and learn that she is going to be staying with Juan Ton's parents at Juan Ton's bachelor mansion for the first leg of this). And she has an Owl pillow. And it is the Same Owl That This Viewer Has Hanging From Her Car Mirror. *Gasp.* This Viewer and a 4-year-old Latina from Florida MIGHT BE TWINS. As Camilla and Juan Ton speak Spanish to each other, this Viewer's body relaxes into the familiarity. While This Viewer doesn't speak The Spanish very well any more, it is still a lot better than The French. We sigh into our alcohol.
So. . Pringles just happens to be in the neighborhood, because Juan Ton "called" him. Yeah, right. As they sit down for a fireside chat, we realize that Juan Ton is AGAIN wearing the Salmon Shorts of Rage. This merely confirms our suspicion that he got them off of Pringles. But Pringles is blabbing on about how this is where Juan Ton's "journey begins," and Juan Ton is saying how he would prefer "Adventura" and making jokes about how he never went on an individual date when he was on season Desiree Who Should Be Black. And then he teaches Pringles how to dance salsa, and then they take their shirts off and we feel Awkward. Though in retrospect, we like this Juan Ton (Relaxes Juan Ton) better than the Juan Ton we are about to witness.
One hard edit later, and now Chris Harrison is telling us that we should take a closer look at the chattel for this season . Which is what we thought we did last night? Oh well, here they are:
1. Chelsea, a 24 year old blonde from Ohio with a mouth like a banana clip (Ladies of the '80s, you Know What That Is). She describes herself as "silly" and "fun, outgoing!" She is a "science educator."
2. Renee, 31 years old and from Sarasota, Fl. Single mom. Athletic. 8 yo son who is also apparently athletic and brilliant. She describes Juan Ton as "super attractive" and so they "have a lot in common." Despite that comment, which is probably the result of ABC editing, we like her. She does Not Appear to Simper.
3. Andi. A 26 year old assistant prosecutor from Georgia . HA HA HA, NOOOOOOO. She is actually taped in court, and she is looking all the world like a baby reading from a script, which makes sense because she's probably been out of law school one year or less. We hear ABe in our minds, from all the Law & Order episodes she has watched, screaming "Your Honor, I request a Remand!!!" ABC bills her as tough as nails at work (short skirt, long jacket, deeply v-necked top), but a romantic at heart (in a virginally white, high-necked lacy dress, naturally) in her spare time. We are confident that is *exactly* how this Viewer's coworkers view her as well.
4. Amy, 31. A California Massage therapist that This Viewer Shall Call "Orgasma" because she basically has one while taping herself giving some unknown person a massage . Babies, she is an "Artist of the Body," but none of the men she has ever dated enjoy massage. And also, he does yoga. And also, she does a "here comes the airplane, open up!!!" with a spoonful of food to the camera . . .for Juan Ton. We are horrified.
5. Nikki, a 26 year old Pediatric nurse who loves her job and doesn't want to settle for anyone. She is a sweet little thing.
6. Lauren, 25, from Oklahoma. We met her yesterday and she is a Hot Mess. Met a guy one year ago, got engaged in six weeks, and then broke it off a few months before getting on the show. Oh dear. She is a minerals consultant of some sort. We think she should get together with the oil engineer, Abs, from Season Desiree WSBB. They would have perfect, strong-jawed, white-teethed, uber-tan little children who know their way around large equipment.
7. Valerie from South Dakota, 26. She is a personal trainer. "Not only am I a pretty girl, but I am not afraid to file these things [her nails] down" she says. We don't like Valerie.
8. Lacy, 25, who runs a nursing home and has a family of 13, nine with special needs. Did we mention that she opened her first senior care center at age 20? We feel completely like an under-achiever, even though she's got a bit of a Mother Theresa thing going on that we don't know how we feel about.
9. Clare. From California. Youngest of six girls. Her dad died of brain cancer but made a DVD for her future husband that she hopes Juan Ton gets to watch. She is allegedly part mexican. And while there is nothing exactly. . . wrong, all This Viewer can think is "ohnoohnoohno, this one is a bitch." And also, she looks EXACTLY like Norma Cassidy in the greatest movie of all time: Victor/Victoria.
To Whit:
Chris Harrison breaks the news that there will be 27 women instead of 25 this season, and then suddenly we are back to counting because they are all coming out of limos. Did we mention a Hatred For This Episode yet?
So Limo #1 comes and we have:
1. Another Amy, this one from Florida. We hope Orgasma gets cut so we can keep the two of them straight.
2. Cassandra, a TWENTY-ONE year old former NBA Dancer that we later learn is now a makeup artist. Seriously, ABC? Juan Ton is 32 with a daughter, and you give him a ninny who may or may not be in college still? And also, they stare at each other for at least 30 seconds with nothing to say. We cringe and grope for alcohol. But we know that she will get through to the next round because she is Very Pretty.
3. Chris-Kristy from Chicago. At least she isn't wearing that ghost-lollypop top.
4. Christine, 23, a "police support specialist" who brought a bracelet for Juan Ton's daughter.
5. Nurse Nikki, in a dress that looks like a spiderweb over black velvet. It works for Juan Ton, who is Stricken With Her Beauty.
But we are starting to get nervous about Juan Ton. When he is nervous, he loses the laughing, easy edge that we saw earlier. And becomes a Teacher Of All Things To the Emotionally Deaf. "You are going to go in the house," he gently and slowly explains to one woman. "There is no need to be nervous, and also I like your dress" he says to another, with the same air of Imparting Paternal Words of Wisdom. Oh dear.
Before we can ponder this further, Limo #2 arrives with:
6. Kat, 26, who claims to be a dancer but doesn't know how to salsa. She "smells good" says Juan Ton to the Camera and also, to All of Us. We suddenly feel like we are watching Ghost Dudes with SKu: "Dude, Dude Dude, did you feel that? I felt a cold energy brush my hand! Could this be the Ghost of Aunt Bessie, Touching Me from the Grave??" And we feel the frustration of never being able to validate the sensory experience alleged by the person on television.
7. Chantel, the first black woman we have seen thus far, unless one of the other blonde tan people are making such a claim.
8. Victoria, 24, a legal assistant from Brazil. They talk Span-Portuguese to each other and it is sweet.
9. OMG, Lacy. A "free spririt" who arrives in a bedsheet with fake white roses in her hair. She doesn't wear shoes because she doesn't want to be "too tall." We later learn that she doesn't wear shoes because "all real hippies don't wear shoes." We conclude that Lacy doesn't really know why she didn't show up with shoes. Even this Viewer is Not Such a Twit.
10. Daniella, 25, a psychiatric nurse. She has a "present for" Juan Ton inside. We wonder if it is a restraint vest.
11. A woman biking up the driveway with a Piano. She almost doesn't make it. And she hits a couple wrong notes before breathlessly telling Juan Ton that she is a composer and music is her life. Oh, and her name is Lauren. We are terrified.
Immediately thereafter, arrives Limo #3 with:
12. Banana mouthed Chelsea.
13. Valerie the personal trainer with the claws. And also, apparently, cowboy boots.
14. Elise, the 1st grade teacher we met yesterday in the orange lace tablecloth World of No.
15. Ashley, 25, another teacher who gives Juan Ton a Gold Star for doing something good (showing up). We sink into our sweatshirt hood and drink.
16. Norma Cassidy, looking like this:
And also, pretending to be pregnant. We hate this woman.
17. Alli from Chicago. We think she is the nanny from yesterday, but she introduces herself as a soccer person who "plays with the boys, so I can keep up."
And then we've stopped counting the limos, because we see:
18. Orgasma, in a solid gold lame dress that looks like a trash barrel on the bottom, capped with a halter top, held up by a lanyard. We Hate This Dress.
19. Renee the single mom, who tells Juan Ton immediately that she is one. Props to her.
20. Lauren the Hot Mess from Oklahoma.
21. Maggie, 24, we don't know what she does. Probably a teacher. She is also deeply southern. "Ahhh got yew a feesh hook," she drawls. "Ah would love to go feeshing with yew."
22. A 27 year old "dog lover," named Kelly. AND her dog, who is wearing a scarf. We are so mad that ABC cast This Viewer's Namesake as a Crazy Person that we Have No words.
23. Lacy the nursing home owner who gives him a prescription from "Cupid's Pharmacy," and tells him twice, to take it an "think of me." We sink further into mortificiation.
24. Alexis, 24. We know nothing about her. And also were not paying attention.
25. Kylie, 23. Still not paying any attention.
26. Sharleen, a completely self-possessed professional opera singer who is neither wearing a dress cut down to her navel nor talking with a baby voice. We blink and are disoriented by the presence of a Perfectly Normal Woman amidst the crowd . Juan Ton is swept away.
27. Andi, the prosecutor.
We can already tell that it is going to be a difficult season because poor Juan Ton has been given no ladies who can be distinguished from the others, except perhaps Sharleen. We have a real worry for him, particularly as the night wears on and we see that he is drawn to the ones who do NOT make the goo goo eyes and who DO appear to have real careers and interests. Exactly one or two of them.
So Chris Harrison reminds Juan Ton that he has a First Impression Rose to give out, and then throws him into the house. Juan Ton blinks, Sharleen hands him a stiff drink, and then he says what we're all thinking it must be like: "it's weird to have all their eyes on you." We remember an old SNL skit about une triscuit y dos mujeres (one triscuit and two women) and suddenly we understand that Juan Ton is La Triscuit, and we feel a little bad for him.
So he flees (as would we). But he returns later with some music and they have a dance party. And play in a photo booth. And after the Ladies are allegedly slightly more loosened up, he peels them away for 1:1 time. We see Nurse Nikki, Renee the single mom, and Lucy the free spirit (who puts her feet up on him). Then Orgasma gives him a table massage in the courtyard and, while rubbing him down, says she thinks they have a lot in common and that he is "beautiful." This Viewer Hides In Shame.
All of a sudden, the 1st Impression Rose is laid upon the table, and everyone starts freaking out. Maggie declares "eets nawt jist ah rose, eets mah future." But Lauren from Oklahoma completely breaks down. Oh! She thought she had her shit together but she does not! Oh! She's convinced that she and Juan Ton would be Perfect but the trauma of her 1 year whirl-wind relationship is getting to her! She thought she dealt with it but she has not!! (while she tells Juan Ton a little later that she is "totally over it"). She cries on the sofa. She cries in the kitchen. She cries on garden furniture.
After awhile, This Viewer gets sick of it and is strongly tempted to smack Lauren. At some point, a lady has to put on her Big Girl Panties because Juan Ton is not going to Get Through Life For You. Which is apparently what she is looking for. Their 1:1 time is painful.
In yet more 1:1 time, we learn that Andi the prosecutor "doesn't read a lot" and "doesn't like to read." She just likes to put people in jail. And some other chick brings a shellacked puzzle that is a photo of Juan Ton, and tells him she is the missing piece.
Just when we think we can't stand it any more, Juan Ton finds Sharleen. And she tells him about living in Germany,where she was for work. And trying not to eat so much meat, which is difficult in Germany because you order pea soup and it comes with a "giant wanker on top," and we love her. And so does Juan Ton, who tells All Of Us that she has "Mundo,". . she has "world," .. . and that he likes the perspective that she has because she's lived somewhere else. He runs off to get the first impression rose, leaving Sharleen sitting on the lawn furniture feeling . . .. ..
distraught because she doesn't feel like she has a spark with him. OH DEAR LORD this has never happened with a First Impression Rose in the history of the bachelor and This Viewer Might Die. Juan Ton comes with the rose and offers it to her, and after a painful, PAINFUL pause, she. .. says "sure."
Juan Ton reads her body language to say she was "so surprised she didn't know what to say."
This Viewer reads her body language like, "fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. Now I have a decision to make. Oh well, it will make a good story for me to say C for continue. I can always go back to Germany."
And to join Sharleen with roses, he promptly thereafter picks:
1. Norma Cassidy.
2. Nurse Nikki
3. Renee, the mom.
4. Andi the prosecutor
5. Alli from CHicago.
6. Chantal
7. One of the Laurens.
8. Kelly AND her dog.
9. Cassandra the NBA dancer/makeup artist.
10. Daniella.
11. Chelsea.
12. Kat -- after an awkward moment in which Kylie thought he said her name.
13. Victoria.
14. Chris-Kristy.
15. Lucy the free spirit. Who skips, twirls, and dances to and from him. Really???
16. Elise.
17. Amy (not Orgasma).
Orgasma is crushed. Lauren from Oklahoma is crushed. Kylie is crushed but we are thankful because we only just now got a good look at her dress and it is pink chiffon over pink satin. We would have cut her too.
Stay tuned for next week, when the Trauma Continues.
-KLo
posted by KLo @ 5:16 AM
1 Comments:
WTH is a "science educator"? (Should we be worried about whether or not she believes in evolution?) I am scared, KLo. Very, very scared. At least Juan Ton has good hair.
GAH.
ABe
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