Juan Ton Part Preview: Countdown to Juan Ton's Walk of Shame

Babies, we have spent the past 24 hours in a Brown Study, staring out the window and wondering how many snowflakes it might take to Crush This Viewer’s Soul.  While we secretly love a good storm, we have been saddened by the violence with which this one has interrupted our happy BNU reunion, after such a long hiatus.  So as we prepare to watch whatever ABC was going to Offer Unto Us in this Perfectly Worthless Sunday Night Bonus Preview Episode (which ABC calls the "Countdown to Juan Pablo"), we get ourselves Ready To Be Entertained despite being  Alone.  And Bereft of KMu and ABe.   Naturally, we scavenge our cupboards and find the Perfect Drink.  

White.  Winey. Cheap.  Older than it looks.  And Pre-Sampled (part of this one went into fish soup).  Just like the women we are about to meet.

But suddenly here is Chris Harrison in front of Le Manse De Baachus, inviting us into a sneak peak of the casting process!  We see tape after tape, and it only depresses us.

  “I’m not getting any younger and my eggs aren’t getting any more fertile” says  Infant #1.

“I want to get married . .  . again” says Infant #2.

“I’m Melissa’s Grandma and she should be on that Pageant Show” [“Bachelor grandma, Bachelor!” whispers “Melissa” from behind the camera.]

As the tapes continue, we see a super bendy yoga person, a women who can put her fist in her mouth, an accomplished trumpet player, an accomplished singer, and an Eastern European chick in a hot tub with a giant glass of wine.   It is like Everyman's Newsfeed, ripped from Facebook.  We recall our previous desires to Get Off Facebook. And wonder why everyone over the age of 30 has gotten into yoga.  And running. 

Dear lord, we drank our entire mini-bottle of wine, and now we are UnProtected from the Onslaught:

“I hope there aren’t any hard questions!” says Infant #3, as she is asked whether she is ready to commit to one man for the rest of her life.  Blah blah they all want a family-oriented man who is “strong in his faith” which this Viewer personally thinks is a stupid thing to say, since it usually just means a man strongly convinced of his own narrow view of righteousness.  

Then we Have No Words.   Because one of the infants  (are we supposed to care about her?  This is all so confusing. . .. ) has announced to All of Us on National Television that she was a "virgin until two weeks ago," and then later, that she's going to go "pray on it" after her interview with the producers.  We wonder if she was an extra on the movie "Saved!"

Just as we are wondering who all of these women are and why we are supposed to care about them, ABC decides to Take Us In Depth to meet some of them, as The Harrison and other producers are dispatched to Tell Them The Good News. 

1) We meet Lucinda, at some clothing store.  She informs Chris Harrison that she just ate bacon, and then tries on a macrame dress for him which has a Strategically Placed Macrame Lilly.  We will never think of "Lilly of the Valley" the same way again.  This is horrible.  HORRIBLE. 

2) Next we meet Elise, a blonde 27 year old 1st grade teacher in a house surrounded by barking dogs.  And also, she is learning  Spanish.  And also, she is wearing an orange bikini top attached to an orange table cloth by a six inch strip of orange lace.  Suddenly, we receive a text:  "omg, NO ONE answers the door randomly in full hair, makeup, and skank clothing," says our friend DOe, across the snowy snowed-in miles . Yes, YES. 

Gentle readers, let This Viewer describe the manner in which she Unleashed Herself Upon the World this morning.  Pink top.  Purple coat.  Silver gloves. Grey sweatpants tucked high into bright blue fuzzy socks tucked further into Uggs.  I was like a Homeless Rainbow Brite and it was Glorious.  "Did you wear your Penis Hat?" asks DOe suspiciously when I tell her this.  No, though I secretly wanted to because, Babies, it is the Perfect Knit Cap.   Somehow, it stands straight up, a Vision of red and white vertical stripes with a little knitted nubbin at the end.  Our auntie knit it when we were 10 years old.  And we wore if for another 20 years, including through law school, because one would Not Be Hit by a Car Walking In That Hat.  Safety first, babies.  Safety first. 

But I digress. 

3)  Contesttant #3 is someone named Christy or Kristy or something from Chicago.  She is another 24 year old blonde.  She has completely forgotten her bottoms and apparently chosen to wrap herself in a mustard t-shirt that barely covers all the Lilly of the Valley.  But the top we Cannot Get Past.  So when this viewer was a little kid, our haircuttery would hand out lollypops.  At Holloween, the lollypop would be covered with a Kleenex and drawn to resemble a little ghost.  And basically, this Chris-Kristy character is wearing a Kleenex Lollypop Top.  We may hate this worse than the Lilly Dress. 

4) But we have to move on, because now we're meeting Lauren from Edmund Oklahoma, who is not notable except to the extent that she violently hugs the producer who has drawn the short straw and had to fly to Oklahoma.  And we discover that he is a giant burly man in a t-shirt with wild hair and a wilder beard, and conclude that it would be a thousand times more entertaining if he were to do all of these meet-and-greets on camera, and . .  .

5) Alison (aka "Ally"), a 26 year old nanny from Chicago.  

And a chearleader.  And a boxer.  And a crazy lady in a bikini.  And a yoga person.  And once again, its like a facebook newsfeed all over again. 

At last, we get to learn a little bit about Juan Ton, or the man I like to call "WTF has ABC done to you in their promo picture.  You look like Lurch." 

Our Hero for the Next Two Months  is 32 years old. In case we were all comatose last season, he is a single father.  He is also the first Latin bachelor ever.  "El Bachelorrrrrrrr," he coos, and we start to laugh.  But then we cry a little, because Juan Ton announces that he has been working out with a trainer to look "hot for the ladies" and working on his English.  He was a pro soccer player until his daughter Camilla was born in 2009, and now he is a consultant for sports and entertainment, travelling the U.S. to talk with Venezualan baseball players and also, Other Stuff.  We are dealt a Heavy Dose of ABC Family as we listen to Juan Ton talk about his daughter, how much he loves being a father, and watch him be all hands-on with her.   And she is a pretty adorable 5 year old, but we feel bad for her that she is on tv. 

But here is our thing (All of Us):  We actually love his family, which appears to be a rather extended, loud, laughing group of people.  We walk in on them making Venezuelan food, and his female cousins have no qualms about describing Aaaaaaaaaall the women Juan Pablo has dated over the years and observing that "out of all the cousins, who would you picture making out with 25 women? Juan Pablo!!!".  Finally, one cousin advises him to "keep his shirt on" during the process, and then they laugh about how the women are probably all running on tread mills while drilling themselves on Spanish phrases.  Which is hilarious because that's pretty much exactly what we just saw.  We Love The Cousins.  

We get through the entire family segment still loving his family, including Juan Ton's father who reminds him that he met Juan Ton's mother on a blind date, and just has to think of this as "25 blind dates."   And then we realize that ABC nearly Pulled a Fast One on us, because only this moment did we realize that Juan Ton is wearing the Salmon Shorts of Rage.  WTF is up with this?  Do they stay in a locker room, only to be passed down from bachelor to bachelor through the years?  

Before we can ponder any further, our "intimate look" at Juan Ton and some of his women is apparently over, and we are suddenly watching an homage to Gia Allemande, the bachelorette from season Jake, He is  A Pilot, who took her own life last year, at the age of 30.   We hear "Gia on Love" and "Gia on Friendship" and listen to all of these people Whom We have Seen and Named in seasons past, as they discuss what they loved about her.  It is a nice tribute, for ABC.  We feel sad for Gia and her family.  And we realize that The Bachelor Franchise, like all the rest of us who have reached 13 or more years into our adulthood, is now starting to see some people we know or knew once, die, divorce, and change dramatically from how we Knew Them When. 

With that sobering thought, we are Not Prepared for the Violence that is the next hard edit into "coming up, this season on the bachelor!!"  We apparently get to see Pringles soon.  And also, hear about how "hard this is all becoming" and how several women "don't know if I should still be here" and also, some woman cries into the toilet at a public rest room.  Ew. 

Stay strong, babies.  We will weather the storm together. 

-KLo