Desiree WSBB Part 10: Peter Pan Man

So the BNU was derailed last night, with ABe loving Others More than KMu and This Viewer, and This Viewer Hiding Our Face from All of Humanity.  And so, in the wee hours of this morning, armed with our tankard of tea (black) and half-awakened thoughts (full of bitterness), we watched the Bachelorette. Stone. Cold. Sober.  And it was not pretty.

We began what Chris Harrison promised to be the "television event of the summer" with a look back on Desiree's "journey" and hopes and dreams for her "fairy tale ending to come true."  In case we've forgotten them, we are reminded that she is left with Chris, whose poems are terrible but whose legs are Better Than This Viewers in high heels.  Ah, and then there is Drew, whose main contribution to Desiree's journey is kissing.  Aaand, last but not least, there is Brooks Brothers, with whom she sees a future.  He "doesn't have to" tell Desiree that he loves her, because she "just knows."   Oh dear.

Just like that, we run off to Antigua for date #1 with Drew, in a local spot called "Betty's Hope."  We think this sounds like an Amish Romance.  "Betty's Hope: Torn between Isaiah and Isaac, Betty longs for a future and a family," or more likely for this date, "Betty's Hope:  In which poor Betty is cautiously optimistic that Josef is merely admiring the neighbor-boy's haymaking technique and not ogling his backside."

ANYWAY, Betty and Drew are going to go exploring Antigua, and this time, he gets to drive!  He stops frequently to give her kisses, they take pictures at Willoughby Bay (Jane Austen just turned over in her grave), and then they end their little trip at "Shirley Heights," which is apparently the Cabrini Green of Antigua because there are (*gasp*) black people there.  And also, maracas, and souvenirs, and steel drums which fill This Viewer With Rage.   A local craftperson fashions a rose and a heart out of reeds, and then suddenly there is a limbo contest (because that is supposedly what black people do for entertainment.  We can hear ABe's outrage from across the miles).  And then this happens, as Desiree leads Drew down a weedy path:
Drew:  "Are we going to a secret garden?!?"
That's later tonight, baby.

Blah blah they kiss on a cliff, eat pineapple, his hair doesn't move, they talk about how sincere he is and how he cannot stop kissing her, and he admits that he "hopes tonight is the night . . . ."  to tell her that he loves her. GAH.  And as God is shining down upon him, their dinner on the beach is rained out, leading them to . . The Fantasy Suite for dinner.  But they apparently don't bother to eat, for lo, she "feels the love coming from his lips."  We can only hope that eventually said love leads to pantslessness, as she is wearing the ugliest pajama pants on the planet (which is saying something, considering the Pajama Pants Currently Adorning This Viewer), with stripper heels. We hate these pants (hers, not Ours).

As this date fades to black, Drew instructs the camera men to leave.  But before they do, he confesses his love to her and wants to know where she's at.  In response to which, Desiree goes off on a tangent about her prior boyfriend and how he was a bad communicator.  We are pretty sure that is not really the response a Gentleman Caller wishes to receive upon making A Declaration.  Regardless, the door is shut behind them and the lights soon go out.

But there is Trouble in Paradise. Or technically, Boise, Idaho.   Brooks Brothers has been "spending a lot of time thinking" about his options of either telling Desiree that he loves her or that he doesn't, so he has flown to Boise to visit with his mother and a sister that looks like Angelica Houston.  He loves his relationship with Desiree because she is "such a sweet, sweet, person."  But, he is "uncomfortable with the idea of proposing. "  He "wants to be" in love, and is trying very hard to be so.
"Dude," says Ms. Houston, "You already know where your head and heart are.  You just have to say it out loud."
"But how shall I tell her?" queries Brooks Brothers.
"You just have to be honest," says mom.
"Pfdafdas" says BB.

With stormclouds on the horizon, we race back to Antigua for a date with Chris. W.T.F. is Desiree wearing?  It is a crochet bikini VEST.  With STROOBLES hanging down:

This Viewer's sister, SHa, once wore a neon purple leotard, fish nets, biker boots, and a black mini-vest with fringe swinging down to her ankles to high school.  She was like Lady Gaga before there was a Lady Gaga.  But this, THIS travesty that Desiree is wearing, is more like Desiree ran out of clothes, so she emptied the macrame fruit basket hanging in the kitchen and put it on as top.  And then coupled it with the Tan Chinos that Our Mothers (All of Them) made us wear when we were young.  

Chris is unphased.  We like him, despite ourselves, and despite the fact that their date is a giant Carbon Footprint of No, which includes a helicopter ride over Antigua and a picnic at a deserted beach.  He is excited that "her and I are starting to share feelings.  . . of love . . .together."  They spread out their picnic blankets, toast to "Antigua, beaches," talk about his family visit, and then make out at the edge of the water, with the surf rushing over them. 

This Viewer thinks about sand and chafing. 

At dinner, Chris admits that this has been the best two months of his life, and they talk about the future.  He apparently has found a job that he is excited about in Seattle, and is wondering whether she would mind moving there with him.  He actually handles it quite well, and emphasizes that this is a two way street and that he is not just expecting her to move wherever he goes.  She says she would be open to moving, which we don't believe.  We have decided that he will most certainly get the axe because he has had (1) an adult conversation, and (2) handled himself well. 

He, like Drew, jumps at the chance to spend time in Le Suite Fantasie, which turns out to be an awesome little cabana that This Viewer is totally going to live in when she Retires From the World, Possibly Tomorrow.  And then Chris ruins it by bringing out a poem which begins "It's exciting to see where this journey has taken us. "  And also, says "journey" at least two more times before the end. 

So to recap where we are right now, Desiree has two guys who are totally into her (allegedly), but she likes the Peter Pan. 

Speak of the devil:  Creepy carousel music begins as Desiree gets ready for her third and final date in Antigua, with Brooks Brothers.  She chatters about how excited she is to see him, and about how she has "deeper feelings" for Brooks than either of the other guys left, as we witness her get "dressed."  Babies, the swimsuit is fine, and the white micro-shorts would only have been worn by This Viewer in her Ballet Days, but let's discuss the top.  It is like a hairdresser's smock, only cut wider on top and hung lopsided off her back.   And also, it is tie dye.  Again, We Hate This Top.  

But we're supposed to be paying attention because Chris Harrison is now talking to Brooks Brothers: 

"Everything in my head says 'this is it,'" says Brooks Brothers, "But my heart doesn't feel it."  

THAT'S BECAUSE YOU LOVE DREW, screams This Viewer. 

But Brooks Brothers is not finished, for he "feels like I'm falling in love in some moments" with Desiree, but otherwise doesn't really feel it, and doesn't really want to jump into a proposal without all the stars lining up.  Queries Chris:  "Are you not sure, or are you not in love? Because hey, if you're not sure, why don't you just get busy in the Fantasy Suite?" [Ok, that last part was from KMu, across the interwebs]. 

"Erm," says Brook Brothers. 

"So let's just make this painfully clear to EVERYONE," says Chris:  "You are not in love.  And you are not going to be in love." 

"Erm," says Brooks Brothers. 

Concludes Chris:  "Well, as a man, you know this is the conversation you must have with Desiree." 

"Chris Harrison, on Manhood," mutters KMu via email. 

And then basically, the final half an hour of the show is a boring trainwreck of Peter Panitude.  Brooks Brothers meets Des for their date and then walks her out to the edge of a pier.  Well, that's symbolic.  He then confesses that he really likes her, but that he doesn't love her.  Oh yeah, and she's really awesome, but between every date he has to remind himself what he's excited about.  And then he attempts to comfort her while she does the Ugly Cry.  And then he claims he didn't know all of this about himself until "just now."  Except for the warning signs he was feeling in Madiera.  And then he sits awkwardly with his hands in his hair, while she does more of the Ugly Cry into her knees, tells him that she loves him and that he was going to be The One, etc. 

And then THIS happens:  

Brooks Brothers:  "I was surprised  by the love she has for me.  I didn't want to leave her."  

And also: "I'm second-guessing myself. This is the worst day of my life." 

And then this: "Oh, thee were those special moments we had together!  I miss them already!"

GDamn F*cking Peter Pan Man. 

They cry together through two commercial breaks (this Viewer gets more tea), he finally realizes that maybe he cannot comfort a person whose heart he has just broken, and takes his leave.   

She cries. 

He cries some more. 

We drink our tea and kill bugs in our house. 

Babies, we end with a cliffhanger, awaiting next week's Two Hour Finale Extravaganza Before A Live Viewing Audience," In which Desiree confesses that she just can't love the two remaining contestants as much as she loves Brooks Brothers, and for her. . .it is over."

-KLo.