Juan Ton Part 2: The Hymen Maneuver

Babies, this is the Season of Adversity.  Lo, we were prevented from our Joyful Reunion with ABe and KMu by snowmageddon last week. And now, sore throat.  But neither snow, nor pestilence shall Keep Us from Juan Ton and the Perfection that was Part 2 of his Adventura.

We begin with Norma Cassidy, getting ready for a 1:1 date.  We are very confused, as we did not hear about a date card, or see Chris Harrison (come to think of it, we didn't see him at all this episode).  And also, NORMA CASSIDY???? Really, this is the first one he takes out?  She is all dewey-eyed, for she doesn't go on dates or go to bars, so she is "hopeful!"  We are annoyed. 

But then, making its first appearance all season, is The Kitty.  Only, it is like the Kitty of the Tanning Mom, as it has attached itself onto the inside of a dark leathery jacket.  Ew.   But suddenly we don't care because Juan Ton is picking Norma Cassidy up, and she is "ready for him" and then he BLINDFOLDS HER with a grey scarf and we Think We May Die.   

Gentle readers, we have not read The Fifty Shades.  But when we go to Sneak Peak upon them in Amazon, the following line is emblazoned across the page, "Only for you, [KMu], would I do this."  And that is Exactly How We Feel, as we watch this episode unfold Stone Cold Sober.  We send a text to KMu: "are you there god, it's me, KLo." 

Norma starts an internal monologue as they head towards the secret hideaway where Juan Ton plans to Stash Her Body.
Norma: "The date card said "let's chill . . . "

[murmers Juan Ton, "I like to chill"] -- really?  Really, 32 year old grown up person????

Norma:  "He smells soooo good.  Like love in a bottle." 

And then Juan Ton is picking her up so that he can piggyback her over the SNOW in her high heels, and she is awed by the "Winter Wonderland" that has met them in the middle of LA. "omg, can you see my breath?" she asks the camera. "Omg, you can totally see it!!"

So they go sledding, solo and A La Tandem Luge, during which We are weirdly fascinated by her little girlish kicks.  Okay, No One does Little Girlish Kicks while Legit Sledding, except, apparently, Norma.  She gives Juan Ton a scarf and a corncob pipe and wonders if he can "smoke it."  They have a snowball fight, and ice skate [which Juan Ton is actually good at.  Be Still This Viewer's Heart, Despite Ourselves].  Norma Cassidy looks like a dog wearing booties.  But she is having A Moment, for:
"I haven't felt this alive Because Of a Man in a long time."  And also, 

"Juan Pablo comforts me."

She is so comfortable, in fact, that she strips down to a bikini and gets into a hot tub so that she can admire Juan Ton's  "amazing body slithering into the spa" beside her.   And then, while giving Voldemort a creepy shoulder and knee rub, Norma Cassidy proceeds to tell the story about her Daddy, a Paragon of Perfection (being both A Man, and also, Compassionate). Upon his death, years ago, she became an Ice Queen and would not Let Anyone In.  And so this date is Fitting, Gentle Readers.  For she has Risen from Life's Challenges and is Ready to Find Her Soul Mate. 

This is our thing (All of Us):  We are tired of Everyone Having a Story of Adversity.  This Viewer arises from the Grist Mill of Big Law each Tuesday Morning, and also Other Times, in order to Blog the Interwebs for Anonymous Equally Sleepy and Adversity-Facing People She May Never Know.  And for that, we should all get a f*cking gold star, babies.  And also, a neck rub in a sauna.  But not from Norma Cassidy.

Especially because Juan Ton gives her the rose, and she dons a very, very OLD Kitty over her swimsuit.  And now she looks like the backside of Old Deuteronomy from Cats:  

 

In any event, suddenly music is playing.  Juan Ton and Norma Cassidy frolick towards it, through the snow and in swimsuits, so that they can "have a naked makeout session in the snow while she rubs his head and they slow dance on coats," concludes KMu.   We have no words. 

Meanwhile, back at the Land O'Ladies, Lucy is frolicking in the hot tub without her top because she apparently forgot all of her bikini tops.  "Lucy is a big old hippie," concludes Renee.  "It was only a matter of time before the boobs came out."  And also, another date card has arrived for Kat:  "Can you feel the electricity?" it reads.  We are frantically trying to remember who this "Kat" person is, and also why she is wearing a floral bedsheet, until she says that she had "electricity" when she salsa'd with Juan Ton the first night.  Ooooooh, "The Dancer." 

But now she is getting ready for her date, in the following:  A Denim Button-down shirt, tied up at the waist, and also, a Postage Stamp Masquerading as White Shorts.  

This Viewer was not the most popular girl in our Junior High.  We May or May Not have been the victim of a Dance with the Pig contest, whereby the unsuspecting girl delights in the sudden materialization of dance partners to such Power Ballads as All Out of Love, only to discover that it was a Coordinated Dare, egged on by one Mean Girl, EMi, among other things.   So it is with Great Satisfaction that one day, at an eighth grade track meet, EMi was wearing white shorts.  And had the biggest wedgie that Ever There Lived, made obvious by the White Shorts of Shame.  So big was this wedgie that Our Mother, sitting at the very top of the stands with aaaaaalll the other parents and classmates, commented upon how Uncomfortable That Girl Must Be, and upon the fact that she Never Pulled It Out. 

We learned two things that day, gentle readers.  (1) Poetic Justice is often more creatively meted when left to the Cosmos, and (2) never wear white shorts. 

 

But "Kat" has not gotten the message, for as she fannies up to the private plane acquired for this particular date, we can only conclude that her Shorts Have Gotten Shorter.  But we are only half-listening now, because Juan Ton is talking about how if a woman can dance, his attraction to her is multiplied.  STOP THE PRESSES.  Where was this person when we were single??  And also, what the hell is he doing with Kat, who is now dreamily staring out the window and admitting to herself and All of America that she is "having visions of jet setting with her Latin Lover."  Kick her to the curb, Juan Ton. 

But he doesn't.  Instead, he puts on a neon light-up track suit, and hands Kat an equally neon, but substantially skimpier, tennis skirt and tank top.  And running shoes.  And then they touch down in Salt Lake City for the 5k Neon Run. 

Oh, those dates when you spontaneously run a 5k together!  How I missed those!  Let's just get our shoes, and we will All Be There, Ready to Not Even Break a Sweat.   While silently thanking ABC for reminding us how very old we are, we have to confess that this run/dance party in the dead of night to techno music and neon magic is legitimately cool.  And also, we would Totally Be There, if we were Ten Years Younger.  Except we are not, and Kat is completely killing us with her Steady, if Not Insightful Commentary: 

"There was a lot of electricity. . . not just on the run. And by that I mean, between Juan Pablo and me." 

Thank you, Electra. 

Blah blah, she gets the rose, on stage in front of a bunch of people, and after dancingImeangrinding against Juan Ton. 

And now it is the Group Date for a group calling themselves the "Lucky Thirteen."  We don't know these people, but we think the group includes Chelsea, Chris-Kristy, The Dog Lover, Cassandra (Forever 21), Andi the assistant prosecutor, Renee the mother, Lauren the musician person, Chantal, Nurse Nikki, Elise the 1st grade teacher, Victoria the paralegal,  . .. and Lucy.  Is that 13?  Who cares. 

The card says: "Say cheese!!"

"This date is either a Photo Shoot or about eating cheese. I'm good at both, so. . . . " says The Dog Lover.  We hate this woman.  And also, now want to eat cheese.  

We also don't like Lauren, who exclaims upon seeing Juan Ton: "He is in blue, and his arms are so big!"  

Yes, Lauren. And This Viewer is in her bathrobe!  And also, haa not yet taken a shower!!!

Shocker, it is, in fact, a photo shoot.  And the creative director has a neon blue beard.  And the models to be posing with the women are:  puppies!!! We start to like Lucy more, as she describes the Dog Room:  "There was some sex. And a lot of pooping and disorder.  My biggest fear is that a dog will pee on me, because I borrowed these shoes."  Hahahhahaa, we do, in fact Love Lucy. 

But there is a purpose to this photo shoot.  It is a "Sexy Photo Shoot with Dogs" for Charity.  Yes, someone has determined that Pin-Ups with Pooches will Sell.   We secretly think that America's Next Top Model thought of it first, but Chris Harrison arm-wrestled Miss J for the option to sell it on the Bachelor instead.  We start yelling at the "Lucky 13," reminding them to smize with their eyes, and also, Look Fierce in the Face of This Challenge. 

We see the women getting ready, and feel tired.  There are a lot of bikinis .  And also, the Dog Lover is dressed like a spotted mutt, complete with full-body makeup and a skull cap.  Except she looks so skinny and awkward that we're not quite sure how that is attractive.  But the real story is that Elise the 1st grade teacher and Andi that prosecutor don't get to wear anything except signs that say "me" and "adopt" or have an arrow on them.  

The prosecutor is freaking out: "I put people in jail for a living.  I AM THE WOMAN THAT BROUGHT A ONE-PIECE SWIMSUIT." 

Elise is equally concerned:  "I am a 1st grade teacher. I am supposed to be a role model here." 

Says Blue Beard:  "But you are a role model, because this is for a good cause, so. . . "

So let me get this straight.  This Viewer is a Role Model if We get Shit Faced and Drive Home, so long as every drink We Bought was for Charity?  Yes, yes, We All Can Help People with our Willingness to Step Out of our Comfort Zones.   

Elise ends up trading her outfit with Lucy (who was dressed as a fire hydrant).  Says Lucy cheerfully, "I am happy to take off my top, as always!"  And proves it by walking down the street with her dog, stark naked.  She is indeed a Freedom Fighter.   Meanwhile, Juan Pablo makes everything ok with Andi by saying that he will be WITH her in all her nakedness.  "Well, if HE's going to be naked with me," concludes Andi in a completely outstanding display of Legal Reasoning, "then everything's ok." 

Blah blah, some women are lucky enough to wear "dresses," including Forever 21 and Renee.  Juan Ton, posing with them, concludes that Forever 21 is "elegant," and that Renee looked "Stunning."  Renee wins us over once again by admitting that she had the nervous sweats.  

The Dog Lover sums up this date:  "And just think, if one of those dogs is adopted because of your naked photo, you will have saved a life." 

GAH. 

Because this episode will never end, we next stop by a rooftop bar for drinks.  Here are the highlights: 

A) Forever 21 Has a Son!!! His name is Trey and he is 2!  This Changes Everything for Juan Ton, who hugs it out with her in the night air, but we are so distracted by the extreme length of Forever 21's fake eyelashes that we cannot concentrate. 

B) Renee jokes with Juan Ton about the fact that he did NOT kiss her at the photo shoot, and then. . still doesn't kiss him.  Except we still like her, because she is in her 30s, and also not crazy. Yet.

C) Victoria the paralegal is drunk. 

"Hey hey rooooomie," says Victoria to Nurse Nikki.  

"You need to tone it down," says The Nurse. 

"What? I'ma not hammered.  I didnna eben hab a glash of champagne.  This is mee sooober.  Ima jhust fun." says Victoria.  

And then later:  "If Juan Pable was mine.  I would straddle him.  CUz that's whad we do.  CUZ when you do the Hymen Maneuver and save someone's life, you hafta straddle 'em." 

Babies, as Purveyor of Trashy Romance Novels, this viewer has heard sex called many things.  But never, never, has this viewer heard it called "The Hymen Maneuver."   We fall to the floor. 

ANYWAY, Victoria is drunk and talking to herself in the hot tub.  Then she wanders out into where Juan Ton is having 1:1 time with Nurse Nikki, only to turn around and run towards the bathroom.  As we hear loud sobs emit from within, Renee the Champ slides herself under the locked bathroom door, puts Victoria on a towel by the toilet, and tries to talk her into calmness.  It doesn't work.  More sobs. Finally, Lucy interrups Juan Pablo and informs him that he might want to "handle that."  

And he does!  He is Our Hero!

Juan Ton has a conversation through the bathroom door with Drunk Victoria, which mainly consists of: 

"Will you talk to me?"

"NO." 

"What is wrong."

"NO." 

"Will you come out?"

"NO." 

So he tells her he'll wait for her outside, apologizes to the women, gives the Dog Lover the Rose (WTF), and then asks them all to make sure Victoria gets home safe.  He then leaves, because its' the end of the date. 

Meanwhile, Drunk Victoria has gone apeshit.  She is running the corridors and demanding to go home.  Finally she runs into Gimli from Lord of the Rings, apparently out of work and now moonlighting as a producer.  "I can't get you home" he explains. "I have to book a flight.  I have to get you a taxi.  I cannot get you home safely right this moment" he entreats her. We feel bad for Gimli, and also start to wonder if all of th producers are crazy-looking bearded men on this show.  Which would be awesome. 

In the end, Victoria doesn't come home.  The show puts her up in a hotel room, where she is met by Juan Ton the next day: 

"I should apologize, I guess or something, for starting off the crazy train. . " she says to him. "I just feel everything intensely, and this is really really hard."  Really? REALLY????

"I don't want, like, a guy I am dating to see  me cry, so um. . I should have been an adult about it and handled it better." 

Juan Ton listens, accepts her apology, and then tells her he is 32 with a daughter, and needs to say goodbye now because he needs to find a partner who can handle herself.  

Juan Ton, FOR THE WIN. 

At long last, it is the Rose Ceremony.  And we will make this brief.  The women say there is a "different vibe," than at the last one and only ceremony they have been to,  and that "anything could happen."  Which apparently includes Forever 21 crying to Juan Ton about how much she misses her son, and Renee helping her out in a really decent way once again.  It also includes Amy, who did not go on any dates, using up her 1:1 time by telling Juan Ton that she is a reporter and then proceeding to "interview" him on air.  By all means, Amy, kill your chances by trying to sell your reporting career instead of getting to know him.  

And then there is Sharleen, who also did not get a date, but who is there in a showstopper of a dress.  It is swoopy and fabulous, and also Does Not Look Like she Got it Off the Rack of the Macy's Post-Prom Sale, which is what everyone else looks like.  Sharleen apologizes for being ungracious when she got the first impression rose, and explains that she was just gobsmacked by it all.  

Aaaaand Juan Ton picks, to join Norma Cassidy, Electra, and The Dog Lover with roses: 

1.  Forever 21

2.  Nurse Nikki

3.  Andi, dressed in a pink lampshade

4.  Elise the teacher, with bejeweled jubblies

5.  Sharleen.

6.  Renee, who we secretly think looks like Olivia Wilde

7.  Danielle.  We don't know her, but she has dressed like Grace Jones in solid gold lame

8.  Lucy (Free the TaTas!!)

9.  Allison.  No idea. 

10.  Banana-mouth Chelsea. Who turns around and we realize she has NO butt. 

11.  Lauren the musician, aaaaand. 

12.  Chris-Kristy. 

ABC's single black lady, Chantal, and Amy the Interviewer get the Axe.  Once again, a POC does not make it past round 2.  Chantal is upset.  We think Amy is too, except she looks too much like she's wearing giant gym shorts as a one-shoulder dress for us to care. 

Stay tuned for next week, when various people get upset.  We realize that there is another episode on Sunday about Bachelor Love Stories, but really, we can't be bothered. 

-KLo