Juan Ton Part 5: Just Like a Baby Giraffe

Babies, we have Mixed Feelings about Urban Chickens, mostly hovering along the lines of, "it's only a matter of time before Someone Starts Dressing Them Up." So it is with some confusion that we begin Juan Ton Part 5 with a flash to what momentarily appears to be Extra Crispy, Special Recipe, and Cordon Bleau, a/k/a our sister ERo's Urban Chickens, clucking around in a cage.  Because ABC isn't really showing our sister's back yard, but. . . Vietnam.  As our mind processes this fact, it suddenly all makes more sense.

Soon we see Juan Ton, who vows that he is "keeping his eyes very open" towards the women, which cannot be true because he has kept Norma Cassidy.  And then we see the remaining ladies.  "Oh, there is water! Trees! The sun! It's Beautiful!" some woman says.  "He travels, and we follow!" concludes Electra. 

So back to the Urban Chickens just for a minute.  Our friend AFa once decided to hatch some chickens at our former employ.  Except there was a storm.  And the heat lamp went out for a length of time.  And some chickens Did Not Make It.  And those who did, where a little . . . Special Recipe.   But every now and then they were smart enough to escape the bunny hutch behind our trailer, which is where AFa kept them.  Except AFTER the Great Escape, they would just stand there.  Waiting for AFa to herd them back into the hutch because where she went, they followed.  All the way to the butcher, Electra, THE BUTCHER.  

Aaaaanyway, the first date card comes, and it is for Renee!! YAY!  "Are we the right fit?" it queries.  We like Renee, and are torn between rooting for her . . . and rooting for her to get the hell out of dodge.  Andi the prosecutor is worried, but really This Viewer cannot be bothered.  

As the screen caption says "[traditional vietnamese music plays]" (which, ABe notes, is only a hair better than "African Choir Singing African Music") we find ourselves in Hoi An for another Walk Around Town and Buy Things date.  Mercifully, Renee is wearing a tanktop and shorts that are neither buttless nor backless.  

"She even dresses normally, and not all souped up" says ABe. 

So Juan Ton pedals her around in a bike cab, which we secretly think is just an excuse to look down her top, and then voice-over observes that they are the same age, both have kids, both want the same things, blah.   We continue to chant "renee renee reneeeeeee" except then Juan Ton takes her into a dress shop to have a custom Vietnamese dress made, and totally watches as they take her measurements.  As Renee laughs it off, we realize that she has clearly not hit the point in her life where her measurements read something along the lines of: 

                    Acceptable if Elevated

                         Potato Chips

                 Hail Storm In the World of No

As expected, they buy gifts for their own kids and each other's kids.  Then, as they transition from afternoon to evening wear, Renee waltzes out in her new dress and handles questions about her son's father beautifully (they were young when the got married, grew apart, but now work together as a team for their son) and we think Juan Ton HAS to kiss  her now.  Because it has been three weeks and we are starting to fear The Friend Zone.   And then this happens: 

"Her eyes hypnotize me.  She is so beautiful.  I FEEL I would like to kiss her, but I won't because she has a son." 

Stop the presses, Juan Ton.  You have been swapping the spittles with every other person on this show, including Forever 21 [who is a mom, btw], and yet you won't kiss Renee?  We secretly think you know We At the BNU would Hunt You Down Like An Urban Chicken if you were to mess with her.  But still, just because she wears the Mom Jeans, does not mean she is not a Woman With Needs. 

She gets the rose and makes the best of it. We at the BNU fume. 

Back at the house, the doorbell has bo-jangled, and a group date is upon us.  We have no memory of this card, but the date is for The Sharl, Banana Mouth, Electra, Forever 21, the Dog Lover, Andi, Norma Cassidy, Danielle, and Alli.  

The first stop is paddling around in the water in various coracle boats built for two.  As the women team up to sit in their boats, Norma Cassidy is left alone and ends up with. . . Juan Ton.  

"For the first time, not having any friends is a benefit," observes the Dog Lover.  Once again, TDL for the win. 

Except suddenly WTF, because Juan Ton has paddled Norma Cassidy under the trees and is kissing her in their coracle as the other women look on.  KMu explodes from across the room about Different Sets of Rules and Renee Being Robbed.  

The other women observe that they are on a 1:1 date with Juan Ton and Norma Cassidy.  "Alli and I have had an awesome date," says Banana Mouth. "Juan Ton has really just sort of been around . . . "  We like Banana Mouth, despite ourselves.

Next, the group allegedly goes to a "vietnamese person's house" and helps them in the fields and then makes dinner.  As the "vietnamese person" hands out exactly the right number of traditional hats to all the women, This Viewer Cries Bullshit.

"Can you imagine them going to Kidron, OH and doing this bullshit with the Amish?" mutters ABe over her wine. 

Once, an Amish friend of the family made what This Viewer calls a  "Sin Strainer" (hair covering) for the doll of This Viewer's sister.  SHa has a vague memory of our mother saying, "Oh that's lovely dear.  I will put it in the Keepsake Box," after which she never saw it again.  As this is the same sister who later (1) owned a Dolly Parton wig, and (2) secretly loved Britney Spears Circa Slave For You, This Viewer has no comment as to potential long-term impacts of putting such items in the keepsake box.  But we digress. 

Back on the date, Juan Ton begins his post-dinner 1:1 times with Norma Cassidy. WTF. The other women grumble about her continuing to monopolize his time and we Cannot Blame Them.  Particularly as Norma Cassidy's conversation skills are horrible: 

"So, what are you looking for?" she asks.  Really??? On week three, this is your leading question? 

Juan Ton, of course, wants someone who is "fun, smart, mature," etc. and then quickly abandons all pretenses of wanting A Normal Person by sneaking Norma Cassidy up to his suite to make out in the pool.  

"I think he's melting the ice queen!" Norma Cassidy giggles.  This Viewer wishes he would, so that he could see that she's all vapor and crap. 

After an unknown amount of time, Juan Ton has moved on to the other women.  His 1:1 time with The Sharl may be summed up as follows: 

KMu:  "I think her ass just fell out of the side of that dress." 

Not out of the bottoms, Babies.  Out. Of. The. SIDE. 

But The Sharl is talking about how she wants to be a "Panda in a Room Full of Brown Bears" and we at the BNU are hopelessly laughing and THEN she says that she can't show Juan Ton "all of her cards" and KMu asks the question we All Want to Know (All of Us): 

"If you can show half of your ass, why won't you show all of your cards?"

 We grow even more confused as Juan Ton makes out with The Sharl.  And Forever 21.  And Andi.  

RENEE WAS ROBBED, we conclude.  

And then Norma Cassidy gets the rose on this date and our poor hearts cannot take it.   We at the BNU despise this woman.  Even more when she sneaks back to Juan Ton's suite and begs him to go swim in the ocean with her at 4 a.m.  AND HE DOES.  And also, he says this: "the waves were wild.  And we got a little wild too." AND THEN she says this:  "It's like a baby giraffe is born, and they have those wobbly legs." 

Baby.  Giraffe.  We. No. Words. 

Sadly, we have nothing to look forward to.  Absolutely nothing.  Because the next date is for Nurse Nikki, and it says "let's have a hell of a good time."  We hope he throws her in a fire pit. 

So Nurse Nikki dresses "like an extra for The Hunger Games," (supplies ABe) and goes off to meet her swain.  Let's just observe this outfit for a moment.  Katniss braid with bedazzled wedding dress belt in her hair.  Diaper top.  Shorts.  We would say she looks 12 years old except to do so would suggest that we think it is Wrong For One So Young to be sent to The Games.  Except we don't in this case. 

They sit down to talk, and it looks like an old man talking to his daughter.  But before even this can sink in, we learn that Juan Ton is about to Fulfull Our Dreams by Dropping Nurse Nikki In a Cave and  Hopefully Leaving Her There.  As this part of the date is also known as "belaying down the cave wall," we don't have high hopes.  At least Nurse Nikki is nervous.  She says she will either "live or die or poop my pants."  

Gentle readers, the live/die/poop our pants decision is one We All Face every day.  And yet This Viewer sincerely hopes that none of us conclude, like Nurse Nikki, that it is "like falling in love." 

They make it down the mountain.  They kiss.  He takes her to dinner and she forgets her bottoms.  They talk about her continually, and also the fact that neither of them are "morning' people. 

"She doesn't have any pants on" interrupts ABe.

"My job showed me. .. .who I am." says Nurse Nikki.

Which is Pantsless. 

"I have such a huge heart," she concludes. 

To make up for the LACK OF PANTS. 

And also, apparently, the lack of grammar, because if she "wasn't ready to be a mom, she wouldn't have came here."  

We cry silently to ourselves as she gets the rose. 

At last the rose ceremony is upon us.  The women arrive by boat to what appears to be a mini-golf course. Here are the highlights: 

Renee gets her kiss, and it is swooping-in-mid-conversation swoon-worthy.  YAY!!!  She dances in a circle and we love her more. 

In more irritating news, Juan Ton informs Norma Cassidy that he feels they took things too far and that he wouldn't be proud if his daughter saw the clip of them eating each other's faces in the ocean.  Norma Cassidy instantly starts crying and makes it all about her. Which includes: crying in the bathroom and blaming it on "allergies," and also, running out into the yard and making Juan Ton come after her to sooth her ruffled feathers, for she Never Intended to Disrespect His Daughter.  One way or the other, this woman with the rose manages to take Juan Ton away from all the other women who don't have one yet.  And we hate her.  

So by the time it's time to give out roses, we knew what was coming.  To join Nurse Nikki, Norma Cassidy, and Renee (our Great White Hope) with roses, he picks: 

1.  the Sharl

2.  Forever 21

3.  Banana Mouth

4.  Electra, and

5.  Andi

Going Home are Alli, who looked exactly like at least two other women and so her exit will be helpful.  And also, the Dog Lover and Daniella.  They are crying, and he is crying, and weirdly, so is The Sharl. 

Stay tuned for next week, when the ladies go to New Zealand and KMu wants to know Who's Gonna Ride Their Wild Horses. 

-KLo