Juan Ton Part 4: In Which Our Hero is Not Bland.

Gentle readers, City Emergency Orders prohibiting driving and other Winter Sundry And Whatnot have kept us from KMu yet again, but ABe and I would not be defeated.  Lo, as we huddled around this Viewer's computer-turned-television [our beloved 1982 Sony died in a dramatic manner 13 months ago] to watch Juan Ton kiss his daughter goodbye, ABe made the following observation: 

"Have you noticed how he is slightly cross-eyed?" 

And now we can't un-see it.  

We know we are supposed to be paying attention as Chris Harrison makes one of his random entrances.  Blah blah, 2 group dates and 1 individual date.  But ladies pack your bags because you are going to the land of gangnam style and K-Pop . . . "

 [only The Sharl starts screaming because she knows what this means.  The others sit with pasted on smiles]

. . .. Seoul, South Korea!!!" finishes Chris Harrison. 

Banana Mouth Chelsea and Elise the 1st grade teacher are beyond excited.  But Norma Cassidy is worried: 

"Korea?  I don't even have a kimono!!!"

 

"OMG, I f*cking hate this show," says ABe. 

So blah blah they fly to Seoul.  We see them walking around, and then there is a shameless promo for the Hilton Hotels, where they are staying.  And soon the first date card arrives. Nurse Nikki hopes it is for her!  Nurse Nikki is going to be upset if it isn't!  And it is for . . .. .

Banana Mouth, Forever 21, Elise, Danielle, Electra, and . . .Nikki. 

"I am upset because now I am spending the day with 5 girls who are quite annoying, instead of spending it with Juan" Nurse Nikki complains.  Darling, We at the BNU must spend this date watching SIX annoying girls, so suck it up. 

The date card says, "POP!" 

"oooo!!!" squeals Forever 21. "Popcorn???"

The designated group files in and out of a mini-van, and we catch a glimpse of leggings WHICH ARE NOT PANTS before being told that the group will be meeting Famous Girl Group "21," and learning a dance to their K-Pop single.  But first, Juan Ton and his ladies are going to "loosen up" by all dancing free style.  O.M.G.   Electra immediately jumps in.  Babies, she is all teeth, and hair, and "I even threw a high kick in!!" she says.  

So once this viewer auditioned to dance on a cruise ship because we were in our last semester of college and Everyone Panics and makes Bad Decisions when they are in that last semester.  And one component of the audition was High Kicks Like You Mean It to the front, side, and back all the way across the floor.  You know, standard jazz class.  Except This Viewer Could Not Do It.  We simply Could Not kick like we were Shitting Diamonds And Happy About It, and more problematically, we could not Watch Others Do It with a Straight Face.   We did not get that job.  We secretly think we didn't Want It Enough. 

Basically, this whole segment consists of Nurse Nikki complaining.  She complains about Electra monopolizing the dancing.  She complains about not being able to dance herself. . . And she complains about having to dance in front of screaming teenagers.  Because her Worst Fear Has Been Realized:  the group is going to be backup dancers for 21, at some show they are having tonight at the mall!

Finally, we have moved on to the critical task of picking outfits.  Juan Ton is wearing a jacket that basically looks like Leather Lady Bits around the neck.  Forever 21 is wearing some manner of confusing leggings.  It is like 1983 all over again, but once they arrive at the mall and see the hordes of people waiting to watch the show -- which, just to be really clear one more time, is a show by South Korea's most popular K-pop group and not by the bachelor or by ABC --  the ladies focus on what Truly Matters and also, on Accuracy: 

"All of these people are here to make fun of me dancing," says Nurse Nikki. 

"All of these people are here to watch me!," says Electra. 

We hate them both. 

At last, the ladies go to some sort of bird cage for the end of their date.  In 1:1 time, Electra tells Juan Ton that she wants to be seen as more than just a "fun girl."

Nurse Nikki uses the time to inform the other women that now it's a small group, she "won't lie.  I don't like everyone." 

But back to Electra, who "moved to Arizona to be independent and successful, which I am now!  And also, I am always the confident, self-sufficient one. But it's been hard. . ."

And here is Our Thing (All of Us):   We have noticed a disturbing trend in the Baby Chicklets Passing as Women These Days.  Somewhere along the line, it has become perfectly acceptable to do or say something utterly selfish or irresponsible, and then explain it as a Forgiveable and Even Loveable Aberration from our otherwise Perfect Selves because said selfish, irresponsible behavior or statement is the result of "Feeling Everything So Strongly" or "Not Knowing How to Let Others In" leading to Hardships.  And This Viewer has Had It.   Dear current and future boyfriends/husbands of such Young Persons:   Do Better for Yourselves. 

Moans ABe from the corner of the sofa:   "KLo, I've always been the gorgeous, smart, sexy, self-sufficient, amazing, super one.  It's just so hard sometimes!!"   We hiss at her. 

But Nurse Nikki is not done.  As Forever 21 is demonstrably relieved to be excised from Nurse Nikki's little group for some 1:1 time with Juan Ton, Nurse Nikki continues to complain about how it's been "really hard" for her because "other people" have difficult personalities.  Oh, but she loves little Camila, and kids in general.  

Nurse Nikki gets the rose on this date.  They are all horrible, so we don't really care. 

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, date card #2 has come for . .  The Sharl!!  Norma Cassidy, wearing dinosaur toenails around her neck, is jealous.  "Are you my Seoul Mate?" the card asks.  We at the BNU are pretty sure The Sharl is not Juan Ton's soul mate, but what the heck, let's see how this goes. 

Turns out, this 1:1 date is the one where the couple wander around a Market in a Foreign Land, Eating Strange Foods.  We are worried because The Sharl is super-analytical and a "cold fish" (supplies ABe), and Juan Ton is not.  Except worse still:  The Sharl is wearing a black tank top, short black formal shorts, and black pantyhose underneath.  

Wilkommen, Bienvenue, Welcome," we sing softly to ourselves. And then louder:  "Im Cabaret. Au Cabaret.  TO CABAREEEEEEEEETTTTT."   

Over dinner, The Sharl admits that she got a bachelors and masters in music performance, and then gives Juan Ton the most moving compliment Ever Heard On the Bachelor: 

 "You are not bland."  

Gentle readers, as we all know, this is tantamount to this Viewer's friend SuHa upon trying Indian food for the first time:  "I ate it and it didn't make me sick!"  

By all means, Sharl, C for Continue.  

The weird thing about this date is that Juan Ton is REALLY into The Sharl.  And we feel bad for him, because it's pretty obvious that he is looking for someone who is well-educated, has her shizzles together, has traveled, and has a career.  And there is exactly one of those people in this group of contestants (The Sharl) and she is completely all wrong for him.  But she is also probably the most perfectly honest people on this season: When Juan Ton asks her about kids, she tells him she once dated a guy with a 4 year old, through which she learned that she wasn't ready at the time, and also, that it was really hard to realize that you don't get to share that "first" with the person.  Let's all have a Moment of Silence in Honor of the Sharl. 

But Juan Ton makes The Sharl sing for him, and she is shy because she is fairly adamant about the fact that she is an opera singer playing no part in her early relationships (which we appreciate).  And then he kisses her and tells her she is "bella" and then we don't care because The Sharl is all giddy but we are still trying to Get Past the fact that Juan Ton took both of his index finders like Little Pincers and Ran Them Down Her Face. 

The Sharl gets the rose.  

At long last, date card #3 arrives for the remaining women:  "Let's go Krazy in Korea," it says.  We think this is for everyone else, including the Dog Lover, Andi, and "RENEEE!!"  Abe and This Viewer scream together!!

"Just Walk Away Renee!! You won't see him follow you back home!!!" We add. 

We are confused by this date.  There is Karaoke in Korean .  . .in a place shaped like a Doll House.  And also, Photos in a Photo Booth.  And also, Paddle Boating.  And then the group goes to "Dr. Fish Zone" for a fish pedicure.  This would seriously gross out This Viewer.  But more on point, we are becoming heartily sick of Norma Cassidy, who has peed in a little circle around Juan Ton and now is aggressively clinging upon him. 

"Why don't I like her?' wonders ABe.  But we don't.  NONE OF US.  

But now the group is wandering a Korean Market just like in Juan Ton's prior date, and Norma Cassidy is freaking out about eating octopus because she "won't do weird food." 

"Seriously?" says some woman we don't know.  "Octopus? You can go into any italian restaurant in New York and get octopus, and that's what she's freaking out about?"

The Dog Lover is more on point;  "Her piece was tiny.  And I KNOW she's swallowed bigger things than that." 

The Dog Lover FOR THE WIN. 

By now we are completely tired.  But there is 1:1 with Renee, and some others, and then Alli insults his dancing (que horror!), and then he tells someone else she is BELLA (wtf) and THEN Lauren the musician attempts to kiss him AND HE REFUSES .  She runs out crying, in her stripper shoes.  BUt, despite the fact that Juan Ton has Recently Sworn He Will Stop Trying to Kiss All of These Women and Maybe Talk a Little, Norma Cassidy has sworn that she is going to kiss him (da da DUM).  

And she does. 

Because, she is, apparently, Impossible to Resist. 

The Dog Lover, once again, comes to the rescue.  "Norma Cassidy is all, 'isn't that normal to be possessive??' Yeah, IF YOU ARE A DOG."  We start to think that the Dog Lover may be the dark horse here.  

Randomly, Andi gets the rose on this date. 

At last it is the Rose Ceremony.  Norma Cassidy is blathering on about how her Dad Is Her Greatest Example and ABe is not having Any Of It:  "She talks like she is auditioning," says she.   But then here is The Sharl, in some kind of horrid mustard pants suit that ABC spends the entire time trying to hide her behind potted plants and also, other women.  And blah blah in the end he picks, to join Nurse Nikki, The Sharl, and Andi with roses: 

1.  Renee [yay]!!

2.  The DOg Lover. 

3.  Daniella ["Shes pretty but who is she?" asks ABe for All of Us]

4.  FOrever 21

5.  The lady we don't know, who looks like 2 other people

6.  Norma Cassidy [nooooooooooooooooooooo],

7.  Banana Mouth Chelsea, AND

8.  Electra.  

Daaaamn.  Elise and Lauren go home!  We secretly think Elise is going home because her dress looks like tin foil underneath seaweed.  Lauren is probably going home because she rode a piano bike in Juan Ton Part 1, but we will never know because she is busy cataloging all of her faults:  "I made so many mistakes" she cries.  

"And that is why I hate this shit," declared ABe.  

Stay tuned for Next Week, when Norma Cassidy takes it TOO FAR!!!

-KLo