Juan Ton Part 8: In Which A Tragedy Strikes.
Babies, thanks to an understanding travel companion, this viewer made the first of three will-she-or-won't-she-blog travel-challenging episodes with half an hour to spare. This Viewer accepts your challenge, traumatic travel schedule, and makes it Her Bitch.
Appropriately, Juan Ton Part 8 is the home visit episode. So without further ado, we meet Nurse Nikki in Kansas City, Missouri. She runs towards Juan Ton in a park and as they hug it out, we learn that she "likes a little cowboy" and she is 'looking forward to seeing how cowboy JP is." This is like the start to a terrible romance novel: "As she watched Paco walk towards her, Shireena dreamily thought that she had a Fever. And the prescription for that Fever was More Cow Boy." Aaaanyway, Nurse Nikki takes the JP to eat "gas station BBQ." ABe queries via text: "Did she eat part of a fry? Are we sure she swallowed? "
But then, our eyes are accosted by two things all at once. First, now that Nurse Nikki has taken off her coat we see that she has cut the legs and crotch out of a pair of lace tights and is wearing them upside-down as a top. Second, Nurse Nikki is wearing said top on a Mechanical Bull that she and Juan Ton are now riding, TOGETHER.
This Viewer dies laughing. Our sister, SHa, has this compulsion to read every book someone gives her, even the bad ones. So this Viewer has historically gotten her a Harlequin romance every year because We Are Sweet and Thoughtful. And then SHa calls us in tears and forces us to listen to various passages. A few years ago, one of those passages included the Couple Making Love On The Back Of A Motorcycle While Going Through A Car Wash.
"Come on ride the bull, choo choo ride it," we quietly text to ABe and KMu.
"Are you drunk" demands KMu.
Off we go to meet dad Tom, Mom Jennifer, and younger brothers Eric and Alex. We learn that on their travels around the world, Juan Ton rode 1st class and all the women road coach. Wow. And then the 1:1 times begin, in which we learn that the Dad would prefer Juan Ton not to ask Nurse Nikki to marry him if his heart isn't in it, and Nurse Nikki says there is "something about" Juan Ton that is "magical" to Dad. And despite that stupid comment, Dad says that he trusts his daughter and her ability to make decisions. We love Nikki's dad, but we still can't stand that girl or her 1980s crotch top. The End, by KLo.
Juan Ton and Nurse Nikki kiss in front of the house, and then he leaves. But Nurse Nikki is upset because she Wants To Tell Him That She Loves Him, but The Time Did Not Present Itself. Poor Nurse Nikki and her First World Problems.
Off we go next to Hotlanta to meet Andi's family. This Viewer hates her ombre hair. And also, her tan kid leather mini-boots, which this viewer secretly thinks look like hooves. She tells Juan Ton that he has made her to do some "crazy" things like "soccer, dancing, and karaoke," and this Viewer wonders what Andi's dates typically involve. Soup? Not talking? Talking? At any rate, Andi wants to take Juan Ton to the gun range. At which she shoots every cut out thingy through the heart multiple times .
DAMN.
Juan Ton is not as good with a gun as Andi, but he does manage to hit the bullseye after she says she can't take him home to her family if he does not. We secretly think someone from ABC probably shot that bullseye and then put the gun in Juan Ton's hand.
So off we go to her parents house, which has a giant "welcome home Pookie" sign on it. Gentle readers, this Viewer has had many nicknames over the years, including but not limited to Spazzghandi and, of course, KLo. But there is One Archaic Nickname that only our sisters are permitted to utter. And if we hear it, we will Cut Said Sister like This Viewer's Neighbor Dennis. That nickname is Bucci. And it seriously Pisses Us Off. So we can only imagine Andi's trauma when she discovers that her family has broadcast "Pookie" for all of the america.
So what to say about this family. We meet Dad Hy ("Hyiyiyi" whispers KMu), Mom Patti, a sister, and a brother or brother-in-law who was obviously born in the 1990s because he has a preppy-ass name, "Ainley." We really like Hy, but we are a little scared of him as he keeps asking Juan Ton how many women were left at each stage of the process and why Andi still hadn't gotten an individual date by that point. He tells Juan Ton, as a "bit of advice" that Juan Ton needs to stop focusing on finding someone right for him AND Camila, and focus on finding someone right for Juan Ton first, before seeing how she fits with his family. And he tells Juan Ton that they can talk about whether Hy will give his blessing after Juan Ton comes back and tells him Andi is "the one." Juan Ton looks nervous.
Meanwhile, Andi is confessing that she is "almost" falling in love but is not quite there yet, and her sister is telling her that she feels like Andi is saying "I don't know about this guy," and we have to agree. Andi is working hard to convince herself that this is the right relationship. But the conversation between her and JP is so insipid:
Andi: So, um, yeah, that was great.
JP: Yes. It was fun.
[smack, slobber, grope].
Andi: Thanks for meeting my family.
JP: Yes, You know, um
[smack, slobber]
Andi: um, yeah, so.
We are bored with this couple. And also, it is painfully obvious that Andi cannot dance, as Juan Ton attempts to show Andi's mother a few steps of bachata that he taught Andi.
"Guilty feet, got no rhythm. . " Sings ABe.
We shake it off and meet RENEE. YAYAYYAYAYAAY. We love Renee. We love that she lives in Florida. We wish that we, too, lived in Florida and could see Sun. And also, No Snow. Apparently, Juan Ton is also loving Florida, as he tells Renee, on her own hometown date, "welcome to Florida."
But what. TF. is Renee wearing. This Viewer has a really old reading lamp, for which the lampshade consists of (1) old floral fabric, and (2) tassels around the edges. Every now and then, the lamp sheds a tassel and we can't find it. Until this very moment, we assumed that said tassels had simply combusted in a fiery display of self-shame and dust. But no, they apparently retired to Florida, where they are now adorning the bottom of Renee's shirt.
Anyway, we attempt to look past Renee's shirt and focus on the fact that her son Ben is The Cutest Kid Ever, and also Super Sweet. Juan Ton and Renee go to Ben's little league game, and we love the fact that he is wearing bright pink socks. We love that he is losing a tooth. And also, that he loves his mom. AND ALSO, that when Renee puts him to bed that night while Juan Ton talks to Renee's parents, she asks Ben where all his books are. We love Renee and her son, and the fact that she doesn't alter her family traditions like putting her son to bed, for a date.
We also love Renee's parents and brother. Her mother, Brenda, asks Renee if she is IN love with Juan Ton because "You know, Renee, we can love our pets. The important thing here is if you are IN love." Touche, Brenda.
Tragically, Renee ALSO wishes she could tell Juan Ton that she has fallen in love with him, but the opportunity ALSO does not present itself. At the end of this date, he drives away and she stares longingly. Just walk away, Renee!!!!!
Off we go to date #4 in Norma Cassidy's hometown of somewhere, California. We initially see Norma Cassidy from the waist up and think, "ok, not my favorite but typical" as we observe the black tank top with the lace bits on the shoulder. And then the camera pans down and we think "formal black romper shortsuit." AND THEN, she turns around, and we scream "LACE PANTIES MASQUERADING AS BACK FABRIC FORMAL BLACK ROMPER SHORTSUIT WORLD OF NO."
It is true that this Viewer is all for Recycling and Thriftiness. But babies, when this Viewer was 7 years old, she wore pants made from her grandmother's polyester dressing gown. We have the photographic proof of how well that Did Not Work Out. And so for the life of us, we do not understand why Norma Cassidy thinks its will Work to re-purpose a pair of panties as the back of a top. We cannot even draw this outfit, so horrible it is.
So Norma Cassidy is talking about her dead father A.gain. Gentle readers, before Norma Cassidy's father died, he gave her the father-daughter dance that she always wanted, when she cried to him that he would not dance at her eventual wedding. Ok, that is sweet. But then he also apparently told her that if she ever missed him, she was to go to the water and find a rock and throw it. And that he would never be farther away from her than the distance she could throw a rock.
There are a lot of people This Viewer wishes were close enough to hit with a rock, but we don't think that's what Norma Cassidy's father meant.
Off we go to meet Norma Cassidy's five sisters, Lillian, Lisa, Laura, Madeleine, and Julie, as well as her mother and also, some dude who may be a brother or a husband. We survey the sisters and conclude that it's a Toss Up as to whether Norma Cassidy will age well. We also think that whichever sister says Norma Cassidy has a "tender heart" seriously doesn't know her sister.
The headline here is that Sister Laura Gets Weird. She sits with "Momma" during Norma Cassidy's 1:1 time with her mom, and speaks for "Momma." She stands up at one point, crosses her arms, and tells Norma Cassidy that she's not going to let her "manipulate Momma." And then she goes into the bushes and stares at them because she has nothing more to say but apparently wants to keep watch. And THEN she tells Juan Ton that Norma Cassidy doesn't want JP to talk to Laura. Norma Cassidy is teary, about a lot of things, including but not limited to Laura. We get exhausted and confused. Juan Pablo handles it fine, and also speaks spanish with Norma Cassidy's mom.
Blech.
And the rose ceremony is upon us. Norma Cassidy appears in an explosion of bright pink spandex. Nurse Nikki arrives next. We hate her, but we like her dress and don't know why. It is black and white and has mesh but somehow works. Even the mesh, babies. WHAT IS HAPPENING. Nurse Nikki and Norma Cassidy refuse to look at each other.
Andi and Renee have apparently gotten the same memo to wear toga tops. Andi takes this somewhat more seriously than Renee. At least one buckle may be involved. We hate these dresses.
In the end, Juan Pablo picks;
1. Nurse Nikki,
2. Norma Cassidy,
3. Andi.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. No. No. No. No. No. Renee is cut. We fall to the floor and begin weeping and gnashing our teeth. And we only cry harder when we discover that Renee is completely A Class Act about being given the heave-ho. She tells Juan Ton that she loved him, but that he has opened her eyes to a whole new world. And she thanks him for it. And he says he respects her and WE (All Of Us) Respect Her, and then she drives off and We. Are. Crushed.
So basically, this season has been a slow-played illustration of Poor Life Choices by Juan Ton. We don't care about the three remaining women, and despise two of them.
We. Are. Heartbroken.
Stay tuned for tonight, which May Or May Not Be Blogged, but in which everyone is in tears except This Viewer, for she has no tears left to shed.
-KLo
Appropriately, Juan Ton Part 8 is the home visit episode. So without further ado, we meet Nurse Nikki in Kansas City, Missouri. She runs towards Juan Ton in a park and as they hug it out, we learn that she "likes a little cowboy" and she is 'looking forward to seeing how cowboy JP is." This is like the start to a terrible romance novel: "As she watched Paco walk towards her, Shireena dreamily thought that she had a Fever. And the prescription for that Fever was More Cow Boy." Aaaanyway, Nurse Nikki takes the JP to eat "gas station BBQ." ABe queries via text: "Did she eat part of a fry? Are we sure she swallowed? "
But then, our eyes are accosted by two things all at once. First, now that Nurse Nikki has taken off her coat we see that she has cut the legs and crotch out of a pair of lace tights and is wearing them upside-down as a top. Second, Nurse Nikki is wearing said top on a Mechanical Bull that she and Juan Ton are now riding, TOGETHER.
This Viewer dies laughing. Our sister, SHa, has this compulsion to read every book someone gives her, even the bad ones. So this Viewer has historically gotten her a Harlequin romance every year because We Are Sweet and Thoughtful. And then SHa calls us in tears and forces us to listen to various passages. A few years ago, one of those passages included the Couple Making Love On The Back Of A Motorcycle While Going Through A Car Wash.
"Come on ride the bull, choo choo ride it," we quietly text to ABe and KMu.
"Are you drunk" demands KMu.
Off we go to meet dad Tom, Mom Jennifer, and younger brothers Eric and Alex. We learn that on their travels around the world, Juan Ton rode 1st class and all the women road coach. Wow. And then the 1:1 times begin, in which we learn that the Dad would prefer Juan Ton not to ask Nurse Nikki to marry him if his heart isn't in it, and Nurse Nikki says there is "something about" Juan Ton that is "magical" to Dad. And despite that stupid comment, Dad says that he trusts his daughter and her ability to make decisions. We love Nikki's dad, but we still can't stand that girl or her 1980s crotch top. The End, by KLo.
Juan Ton and Nurse Nikki kiss in front of the house, and then he leaves. But Nurse Nikki is upset because she Wants To Tell Him That She Loves Him, but The Time Did Not Present Itself. Poor Nurse Nikki and her First World Problems.
Off we go next to Hotlanta to meet Andi's family. This Viewer hates her ombre hair. And also, her tan kid leather mini-boots, which this viewer secretly thinks look like hooves. She tells Juan Ton that he has made her to do some "crazy" things like "soccer, dancing, and karaoke," and this Viewer wonders what Andi's dates typically involve. Soup? Not talking? Talking? At any rate, Andi wants to take Juan Ton to the gun range. At which she shoots every cut out thingy through the heart multiple times .
DAMN.
Juan Ton is not as good with a gun as Andi, but he does manage to hit the bullseye after she says she can't take him home to her family if he does not. We secretly think someone from ABC probably shot that bullseye and then put the gun in Juan Ton's hand.
So off we go to her parents house, which has a giant "welcome home Pookie" sign on it. Gentle readers, this Viewer has had many nicknames over the years, including but not limited to Spazzghandi and, of course, KLo. But there is One Archaic Nickname that only our sisters are permitted to utter. And if we hear it, we will Cut Said Sister like This Viewer's Neighbor Dennis. That nickname is Bucci. And it seriously Pisses Us Off. So we can only imagine Andi's trauma when she discovers that her family has broadcast "Pookie" for all of the america.
So what to say about this family. We meet Dad Hy ("Hyiyiyi" whispers KMu), Mom Patti, a sister, and a brother or brother-in-law who was obviously born in the 1990s because he has a preppy-ass name, "Ainley." We really like Hy, but we are a little scared of him as he keeps asking Juan Ton how many women were left at each stage of the process and why Andi still hadn't gotten an individual date by that point. He tells Juan Ton, as a "bit of advice" that Juan Ton needs to stop focusing on finding someone right for him AND Camila, and focus on finding someone right for Juan Ton first, before seeing how she fits with his family. And he tells Juan Ton that they can talk about whether Hy will give his blessing after Juan Ton comes back and tells him Andi is "the one." Juan Ton looks nervous.
Meanwhile, Andi is confessing that she is "almost" falling in love but is not quite there yet, and her sister is telling her that she feels like Andi is saying "I don't know about this guy," and we have to agree. Andi is working hard to convince herself that this is the right relationship. But the conversation between her and JP is so insipid:
Andi: So, um, yeah, that was great.
JP: Yes. It was fun.
[smack, slobber, grope].
Andi: Thanks for meeting my family.
JP: Yes, You know, um
[smack, slobber]
Andi: um, yeah, so.
We are bored with this couple. And also, it is painfully obvious that Andi cannot dance, as Juan Ton attempts to show Andi's mother a few steps of bachata that he taught Andi.
"Guilty feet, got no rhythm. . " Sings ABe.
We shake it off and meet RENEE. YAYAYYAYAYAAY. We love Renee. We love that she lives in Florida. We wish that we, too, lived in Florida and could see Sun. And also, No Snow. Apparently, Juan Ton is also loving Florida, as he tells Renee, on her own hometown date, "welcome to Florida."
But what. TF. is Renee wearing. This Viewer has a really old reading lamp, for which the lampshade consists of (1) old floral fabric, and (2) tassels around the edges. Every now and then, the lamp sheds a tassel and we can't find it. Until this very moment, we assumed that said tassels had simply combusted in a fiery display of self-shame and dust. But no, they apparently retired to Florida, where they are now adorning the bottom of Renee's shirt.
Anyway, we attempt to look past Renee's shirt and focus on the fact that her son Ben is The Cutest Kid Ever, and also Super Sweet. Juan Ton and Renee go to Ben's little league game, and we love the fact that he is wearing bright pink socks. We love that he is losing a tooth. And also, that he loves his mom. AND ALSO, that when Renee puts him to bed that night while Juan Ton talks to Renee's parents, she asks Ben where all his books are. We love Renee and her son, and the fact that she doesn't alter her family traditions like putting her son to bed, for a date.
We also love Renee's parents and brother. Her mother, Brenda, asks Renee if she is IN love with Juan Ton because "You know, Renee, we can love our pets. The important thing here is if you are IN love." Touche, Brenda.
Tragically, Renee ALSO wishes she could tell Juan Ton that she has fallen in love with him, but the opportunity ALSO does not present itself. At the end of this date, he drives away and she stares longingly. Just walk away, Renee!!!!!
Off we go to date #4 in Norma Cassidy's hometown of somewhere, California. We initially see Norma Cassidy from the waist up and think, "ok, not my favorite but typical" as we observe the black tank top with the lace bits on the shoulder. And then the camera pans down and we think "formal black romper shortsuit." AND THEN, she turns around, and we scream "LACE PANTIES MASQUERADING AS BACK FABRIC FORMAL BLACK ROMPER SHORTSUIT WORLD OF NO."
It is true that this Viewer is all for Recycling and Thriftiness. But babies, when this Viewer was 7 years old, she wore pants made from her grandmother's polyester dressing gown. We have the photographic proof of how well that Did Not Work Out. And so for the life of us, we do not understand why Norma Cassidy thinks its will Work to re-purpose a pair of panties as the back of a top. We cannot even draw this outfit, so horrible it is.
So Norma Cassidy is talking about her dead father A.gain. Gentle readers, before Norma Cassidy's father died, he gave her the father-daughter dance that she always wanted, when she cried to him that he would not dance at her eventual wedding. Ok, that is sweet. But then he also apparently told her that if she ever missed him, she was to go to the water and find a rock and throw it. And that he would never be farther away from her than the distance she could throw a rock.
There are a lot of people This Viewer wishes were close enough to hit with a rock, but we don't think that's what Norma Cassidy's father meant.
Off we go to meet Norma Cassidy's five sisters, Lillian, Lisa, Laura, Madeleine, and Julie, as well as her mother and also, some dude who may be a brother or a husband. We survey the sisters and conclude that it's a Toss Up as to whether Norma Cassidy will age well. We also think that whichever sister says Norma Cassidy has a "tender heart" seriously doesn't know her sister.
The headline here is that Sister Laura Gets Weird. She sits with "Momma" during Norma Cassidy's 1:1 time with her mom, and speaks for "Momma." She stands up at one point, crosses her arms, and tells Norma Cassidy that she's not going to let her "manipulate Momma." And then she goes into the bushes and stares at them because she has nothing more to say but apparently wants to keep watch. And THEN she tells Juan Ton that Norma Cassidy doesn't want JP to talk to Laura. Norma Cassidy is teary, about a lot of things, including but not limited to Laura. We get exhausted and confused. Juan Pablo handles it fine, and also speaks spanish with Norma Cassidy's mom.
Blech.
And the rose ceremony is upon us. Norma Cassidy appears in an explosion of bright pink spandex. Nurse Nikki arrives next. We hate her, but we like her dress and don't know why. It is black and white and has mesh but somehow works. Even the mesh, babies. WHAT IS HAPPENING. Nurse Nikki and Norma Cassidy refuse to look at each other.
Andi and Renee have apparently gotten the same memo to wear toga tops. Andi takes this somewhat more seriously than Renee. At least one buckle may be involved. We hate these dresses.
In the end, Juan Pablo picks;
1. Nurse Nikki,
2. Norma Cassidy,
3. Andi.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. No. No. No. No. No. Renee is cut. We fall to the floor and begin weeping and gnashing our teeth. And we only cry harder when we discover that Renee is completely A Class Act about being given the heave-ho. She tells Juan Ton that she loved him, but that he has opened her eyes to a whole new world. And she thanks him for it. And he says he respects her and WE (All Of Us) Respect Her, and then she drives off and We. Are. Crushed.
So basically, this season has been a slow-played illustration of Poor Life Choices by Juan Ton. We don't care about the three remaining women, and despise two of them.
We. Are. Heartbroken.
Stay tuned for tonight, which May Or May Not Be Blogged, but in which everyone is in tears except This Viewer, for she has no tears left to shed.
-KLo
posted by KLo @ 4:23 AM
2 Comments:
If I'm being honest, I watch the show every Monday so that I can read this blog every Tuesday morning. A thousand high fives for working around the travel issues this week!
I second the comment from Anonymous. Thank you! A2
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