Juan Ton Part 7: Behind the Candelabra
Babies, This Viewer has watched the shitshow known as "the Bachelor" for too many seasons. Which is why, when Juan Ton returns to Miami and proclaims that he's been away from Camila too long, and KMu wonders how long it has been, This Viewer can immediately say "three weeks" while petting the dog and wondering how many more cookies we can eat before we turn ourselves into a diabetic.
The women are staying at a penthouse . . . somewhere. We hope it is on water, as some woman is wearing ginormous paddles for earrings. But more importantly, Juan Ton has graciously provided them all with a housewarming gift: Teensy bikinis. Gentle readers, the last time This Viewer was offered such a gift, it was the latest gossip mags and liquor. Clearly, we have passed the Age of Pretenses.
But the first date card is upon us, and it is for The Sharl. "Come sea my city" it says.
Okay, so while this is happening, Juan Pablo has returned home, embraced his daughter, and then confessed to A Relative that The Sharl "could be the one." What? Conversely, The Sharl has continued to be conflicted and neutral about him, which initially causes us to think is the reason The Sharl has covered herself in an ill-cut polka dot burka, cinched with a thin black leather belt. Oh! She doesn't know if she is ready for him to meet her family! Oh! "Why are we here? We don't 'get' each other! I am not sure we have that Cerebral Connection . . ... " Someday you'll find it, Sharl, the Cerebral Connection. The civil engineers, the accountants, and also, you.
"I feel like she thinks she's a mystery," says KMu. We All Agree (all of us), because we are Sick Of the Angst From That Corner. But now they are kissing on some yacht and the closed caption is saying "[moans]" and then some more "[moans]" and The Sharl is telling Juan Ton that "He Is Trouble," which is Exactly What a Creepy Dude Says When You Are In Your 20s and He is Trying to Flirt With You and IT IS SO AWKWARD MAKE IT STOP.
But instead, The Sharl unveils a swimsuit which can only be summarized as "A Diamond Over the Rough," in the words of KMu:
.JPG)
And NOW the Sharl is trying to Tell Us All that she feels "happy" with him, which she doesn't "usually let myself feel." And she vaguely suggests that she is even willing to give up the opera world for him. WTF. The Sharl is, essentially, working hard to try to convince herself to be with him, and it is All Too Exhausting.
They make out in the ocean. They make out on the yacht. And then, just when we think it can't get any worse, the Sharl shows up for dinner wearing a Dicky with Sleeves, followed by some mesh and also, open arm pits, followed by a skirt. Babies, Kim Kardashian wore this dress. And it does not matter to this Viewer how Sexy a peephole dress is supposed to be. It STILL begins on the top in a Dicky With Sleeves before shame spiraling down the body to flesh colored mesh.
The Sharl says she "Thinks it would work" for him to meet her family. And also, "I wish I was a little dumber so I could just be like, 'duh."
"I wish I was a little dumber so that I didn't have to tolerate this shit," says KMu..
"This hurts me inside," says ABe, for All of Us.
Back home from this date, on which no roses were apparently given, the Sharl talks to Renee about her doubts. We feel bad for Renee, who has to mother all of these people.
Date #2 does not improve our spirits. It is for Nurse Nikki; "Listen to My Heart Beat."
"Am I going to have to dance again?" complains Nurse Nikki.
"God, she is so negative All The Time," says Banana Mouth Chelsea.
Nurse Nikki has come out from Behind the Candelabra for this date. She is wearing, in no particular order, tiny jeans shorts and a string tank top, covered by a giant floral bedsheet with long lace cuffs.
So at one point, this Viewer's across-the-hall mate in college was an ah-may-zing african american 6 ft 4 very gay former gymnist-turned-dancer. We do not remember his last name, so we shall call him "T." Most nights, This Viewer would hear "clip clip clip clip clip" and then some oomph oomph techno beat as T returned from clubbing, walked down the hall in his ginormous high-heeled clogs and outfit Just Like Nurse Nikki's, and began dancing in his room before retiring to our unfortunately communal bathroom for half an hour, where he would sing loudly and leave a set of matches in the toilet.
Gentle readers, it is with blinding clarity that this Viewer sees T in all his glory, instead of Nurse Nikki, when she comes towards us in The Outfit.
But Juan Ton, undeterred, is taking Nurse Nikki on what can only be The Most Ill-Conceived Date in the History of Ill-Conceived Dates: He is taking her to his daughter's dance recital, where she will meet his entire family, and also . . . Camila's mom, Carla. Unless he is going to marry Nurse Nikki, this is a terrible, terrible idea. And also, we love Carla for continuously maintaining her mask of polite civility while the "cutta bitch" is brewing inside. Juan Ton assures Nurse Nikki that Carla is completely fine with the situation, and we at the BNU cackle to ourselves.
Camila dances and sings the moves while she dances, and she is adorable.
Babies, this Viewer was once a "Little Pink Cloud." Our first dance recital included the following song, to which we may have danced and whispered the words to help us remember: "I am a little pink cloud. Floa-ting through the air. Arabesque, turn first position, plie, down -2-3-4 up, open." And yes, we still remember that part of the dance. So it is with affection and odd familiarity that we watch Camila in her recital. . . . before our eyes are violently assaulted by what happens next, when Nurse Nikki shows up in this:
.JPG)
Nurse Nikki has literally forgotten her top. We repeat, There Is No Top. It is backless, entirely. The front is a cocktail of double-stick tape and Regret. And also, Nurse Nikki has a Back Fat Tattoo. We at the BNU cannot decide if the tattoo is a dove or a bunny. But it does not matter either way because it is in the back-fat zone, and is going to look like a ripply Little Pink Cloud in about 10 years.
Apparently the date goes well, because now we're back to The Sharl.
"Wait!" says This Viewer. "I have that sweater!!!"
"But do you wear it with a black bra and also, salmon formal shorts?" asks KMu. Good point.
Here is the Sharl, confessing to the women that she feels that she is conflicted and does not want to take the place of Another Woman, and so she is going to Say Goodbye. Oh!!! She knocks on Juan Ton's door, tells him this is excrutiating but that she doesn't think she can get to the place she needs to be in three weeks, and starts to cry. He looks past the sweater and formal shorts and is completely awesome about it. And then he goes on the balcony and cries after she leaves. And we cry for him too, because we think he really liked her and now all he's left with is Renee and the crazies. The Sharl drives off, wondering if she made the right decision. . . .
And, hard edit to the group date. Juan Ton gets off a sea plane to meet Andi, Banana Mouth, Norma Cassidy, and Renee.
"The typeface on that sea plane is poorly kerned," observes ABe. Thank you for that.
Apparently, there WILL be a rose given out on this date, which will secure the meeting of family next week. Immediately Banana Mouth springs into action, grabbing JP for some 1:1 time, in which she shows him all sorts of letters from her family and talks non-stop.
"She is such a rattlepate," says This Viewer.
"WTF is that even a word?" asks ABe.
"Um, she talks a lot," says This Viewer.
"You made that shit up," says ABe.
But we didn't. WE DIDN'T.
Aaaaanyway, in her own 1:1 time, Andi informs Juan Ton "get ready for a break down" and then starts to cry about how she's no good at letting go and how this is all so hard, and then coos to him about how he calms her down "so much." We are tired of this. We are equally tired of Norma Cassidy going on about how she is the youngest of six girls, and how her father made a video before he died for her future husband, and so forth.
One hard edit later, and Andi gets the rose. They kiss in the ocean, which probably cheeses Norma Cassidy, and then go to a Romeo Santos concert where he sings into a golden microphone and we all learn that Andi has no rhythm.
SO, back at the ranch, there is a chick fight between Nurse Nikki and Norma Cassidy. As much as we would like these ladies to select each other out of the gene pool, we refuse to devote the time to this exchange that ABC devotes to it. Basically, this fight may be summarized as;
Norma: "I am bummed that Andi got the rose and I didn't.
Nurse N: "This is stupid" [stomps off]
Norma: [chasing after her] "What's going on?"
Nurse N: "You were talking shit about my friend"
Norma: What did I say that was talking shit?"
Nurse N: "I am not saying you were talking shit. And also, I don't like you AND we're never going to be friends AND also [insert a bunch of crap]."
As KMu observes: "I don't like Norma Cassidy at all, but she was pretty much in the right on this one, other than the first mistake of even attempting the conversation at all."
So now it's the rose ceremony, and all of the women are wearing the same dress but in different colors. It is awkward, for a variety of reasons, including a painful silence between Norma Cassidy and Nurse Nikki in which we literally hear dogs howling in the background.
In the end, to join Andi with roses, Juan Ton picks,
1. Nurse Nikki
2. Norma Cassidy, and
3. Renee. Oh thank god.
Banana Mouth goes home. She handles it well, but at this point, the only person we care about on this show is Renee, and we know that she is probably not going to win, so. . . .yeah.
Gentle readers, this is a VERY IMPORTANT PIECE OF INFORMATION: This Viewer is travelling for the next two weeks, doing Work Items. We are going to try very hard to blog next week, which ABC has inconveniently decided to make Very Difficult by having Both a Monday and Tuesday night episode. But if we cannot, it will happen later in the week. As this Viewer is secretly not sure anyone reads this blog, we will hope no one is too disappointed by a potential time delay.
But if we are able to blog next week, we will apparently learn that Something Happens in the Fantasy Suite, and then everyone cries and maybe someone else goes home.
-KLo.
The women are staying at a penthouse . . . somewhere. We hope it is on water, as some woman is wearing ginormous paddles for earrings. But more importantly, Juan Ton has graciously provided them all with a housewarming gift: Teensy bikinis. Gentle readers, the last time This Viewer was offered such a gift, it was the latest gossip mags and liquor. Clearly, we have passed the Age of Pretenses.
But the first date card is upon us, and it is for The Sharl. "Come sea my city" it says.
Okay, so while this is happening, Juan Pablo has returned home, embraced his daughter, and then confessed to A Relative that The Sharl "could be the one." What? Conversely, The Sharl has continued to be conflicted and neutral about him, which initially causes us to think is the reason The Sharl has covered herself in an ill-cut polka dot burka, cinched with a thin black leather belt. Oh! She doesn't know if she is ready for him to meet her family! Oh! "Why are we here? We don't 'get' each other! I am not sure we have that Cerebral Connection . . ... " Someday you'll find it, Sharl, the Cerebral Connection. The civil engineers, the accountants, and also, you.
"I feel like she thinks she's a mystery," says KMu. We All Agree (all of us), because we are Sick Of the Angst From That Corner. But now they are kissing on some yacht and the closed caption is saying "[moans]" and then some more "[moans]" and The Sharl is telling Juan Ton that "He Is Trouble," which is Exactly What a Creepy Dude Says When You Are In Your 20s and He is Trying to Flirt With You and IT IS SO AWKWARD MAKE IT STOP.
But instead, The Sharl unveils a swimsuit which can only be summarized as "A Diamond Over the Rough," in the words of KMu:
They make out in the ocean. They make out on the yacht. And then, just when we think it can't get any worse, the Sharl shows up for dinner wearing a Dicky with Sleeves, followed by some mesh and also, open arm pits, followed by a skirt. Babies, Kim Kardashian wore this dress. And it does not matter to this Viewer how Sexy a peephole dress is supposed to be. It STILL begins on the top in a Dicky With Sleeves before shame spiraling down the body to flesh colored mesh.
The Sharl says she "Thinks it would work" for him to meet her family. And also, "I wish I was a little dumber so I could just be like, 'duh."
"I wish I was a little dumber so that I didn't have to tolerate this shit," says KMu..
"This hurts me inside," says ABe, for All of Us.
Back home from this date, on which no roses were apparently given, the Sharl talks to Renee about her doubts. We feel bad for Renee, who has to mother all of these people.
Date #2 does not improve our spirits. It is for Nurse Nikki; "Listen to My Heart Beat."
"Am I going to have to dance again?" complains Nurse Nikki.
"God, she is so negative All The Time," says Banana Mouth Chelsea.
Nurse Nikki has come out from Behind the Candelabra for this date. She is wearing, in no particular order, tiny jeans shorts and a string tank top, covered by a giant floral bedsheet with long lace cuffs.
So at one point, this Viewer's across-the-hall mate in college was an ah-may-zing african american 6 ft 4 very gay former gymnist-turned-dancer. We do not remember his last name, so we shall call him "T." Most nights, This Viewer would hear "clip clip clip clip clip" and then some oomph oomph techno beat as T returned from clubbing, walked down the hall in his ginormous high-heeled clogs and outfit Just Like Nurse Nikki's, and began dancing in his room before retiring to our unfortunately communal bathroom for half an hour, where he would sing loudly and leave a set of matches in the toilet.
Gentle readers, it is with blinding clarity that this Viewer sees T in all his glory, instead of Nurse Nikki, when she comes towards us in The Outfit.
But Juan Ton, undeterred, is taking Nurse Nikki on what can only be The Most Ill-Conceived Date in the History of Ill-Conceived Dates: He is taking her to his daughter's dance recital, where she will meet his entire family, and also . . . Camila's mom, Carla. Unless he is going to marry Nurse Nikki, this is a terrible, terrible idea. And also, we love Carla for continuously maintaining her mask of polite civility while the "cutta bitch" is brewing inside. Juan Ton assures Nurse Nikki that Carla is completely fine with the situation, and we at the BNU cackle to ourselves.
Camila dances and sings the moves while she dances, and she is adorable.
Babies, this Viewer was once a "Little Pink Cloud." Our first dance recital included the following song, to which we may have danced and whispered the words to help us remember: "I am a little pink cloud. Floa-ting through the air. Arabesque, turn first position, plie, down -2-3-4 up, open." And yes, we still remember that part of the dance. So it is with affection and odd familiarity that we watch Camila in her recital. . . . before our eyes are violently assaulted by what happens next, when Nurse Nikki shows up in this:
Nurse Nikki has literally forgotten her top. We repeat, There Is No Top. It is backless, entirely. The front is a cocktail of double-stick tape and Regret. And also, Nurse Nikki has a Back Fat Tattoo. We at the BNU cannot decide if the tattoo is a dove or a bunny. But it does not matter either way because it is in the back-fat zone, and is going to look like a ripply Little Pink Cloud in about 10 years.
Apparently the date goes well, because now we're back to The Sharl.
"Wait!" says This Viewer. "I have that sweater!!!"
"But do you wear it with a black bra and also, salmon formal shorts?" asks KMu. Good point.
Here is the Sharl, confessing to the women that she feels that she is conflicted and does not want to take the place of Another Woman, and so she is going to Say Goodbye. Oh!!! She knocks on Juan Ton's door, tells him this is excrutiating but that she doesn't think she can get to the place she needs to be in three weeks, and starts to cry. He looks past the sweater and formal shorts and is completely awesome about it. And then he goes on the balcony and cries after she leaves. And we cry for him too, because we think he really liked her and now all he's left with is Renee and the crazies. The Sharl drives off, wondering if she made the right decision. . . .
And, hard edit to the group date. Juan Ton gets off a sea plane to meet Andi, Banana Mouth, Norma Cassidy, and Renee.
"The typeface on that sea plane is poorly kerned," observes ABe. Thank you for that.
Apparently, there WILL be a rose given out on this date, which will secure the meeting of family next week. Immediately Banana Mouth springs into action, grabbing JP for some 1:1 time, in which she shows him all sorts of letters from her family and talks non-stop.
"She is such a rattlepate," says This Viewer.
"WTF is that even a word?" asks ABe.
"Um, she talks a lot," says This Viewer.
"You made that shit up," says ABe.
But we didn't. WE DIDN'T.
Aaaaanyway, in her own 1:1 time, Andi informs Juan Ton "get ready for a break down" and then starts to cry about how she's no good at letting go and how this is all so hard, and then coos to him about how he calms her down "so much." We are tired of this. We are equally tired of Norma Cassidy going on about how she is the youngest of six girls, and how her father made a video before he died for her future husband, and so forth.
One hard edit later, and Andi gets the rose. They kiss in the ocean, which probably cheeses Norma Cassidy, and then go to a Romeo Santos concert where he sings into a golden microphone and we all learn that Andi has no rhythm.
SO, back at the ranch, there is a chick fight between Nurse Nikki and Norma Cassidy. As much as we would like these ladies to select each other out of the gene pool, we refuse to devote the time to this exchange that ABC devotes to it. Basically, this fight may be summarized as;
Norma: "I am bummed that Andi got the rose and I didn't.
Nurse N: "This is stupid" [stomps off]
Norma: [chasing after her] "What's going on?"
Nurse N: "You were talking shit about my friend"
Norma: What did I say that was talking shit?"
Nurse N: "I am not saying you were talking shit. And also, I don't like you AND we're never going to be friends AND also [insert a bunch of crap]."
As KMu observes: "I don't like Norma Cassidy at all, but she was pretty much in the right on this one, other than the first mistake of even attempting the conversation at all."
So now it's the rose ceremony, and all of the women are wearing the same dress but in different colors. It is awkward, for a variety of reasons, including a painful silence between Norma Cassidy and Nurse Nikki in which we literally hear dogs howling in the background.
In the end, to join Andi with roses, Juan Ton picks,
1. Nurse Nikki
2. Norma Cassidy, and
3. Renee. Oh thank god.
Banana Mouth goes home. She handles it well, but at this point, the only person we care about on this show is Renee, and we know that she is probably not going to win, so. . . .yeah.
Gentle readers, this is a VERY IMPORTANT PIECE OF INFORMATION: This Viewer is travelling for the next two weeks, doing Work Items. We are going to try very hard to blog next week, which ABC has inconveniently decided to make Very Difficult by having Both a Monday and Tuesday night episode. But if we cannot, it will happen later in the week. As this Viewer is secretly not sure anyone reads this blog, we will hope no one is too disappointed by a potential time delay.
But if we are able to blog next week, we will apparently learn that Something Happens in the Fantasy Suite, and then everyone cries and maybe someone else goes home.
-KLo.
posted by KLo @ 4:28 AM
5 Comments:
First of all, I fathful reader of the BNU blog so please, prioritize your travel and work schedule accordingly. I'm sure your clients will understand.
Secondly, if Camila ever becomes the Bachelorette....I know I've been watching this show for too long. Come to think of it, I've been watching it for too long already.....CPa
CPa, This Viewer will VALIANTLY try, but I am actually traveling ON monday, which makes this A Crisis Situation.
KLo, where are your priorities???
Read your Bachelor recap every week and love it!! It always makes me laugh! Please get next weeks out asap!!
As a long time reader of your FAB and HILARIOUS blog, I look forward to your comments whenever you can share them with us! The painful viewing of the show is only made tolerable by anticipating and then reading your recap afterwards! :) Thanks!
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