The Prosecutrix Part 2: The Marble Bag

So last week, this Viewer informed ABe that we would not be able to watch La Prosecutrix with her because we would be In The Big City.  To which she responded, "I won't be able to watch either BECAUSE I WILL BE IN UGANDA."  This Viewer is a terrible person for forgetting.  Nonetheless, we dutifully borrowed the television of Our Sister and Big City Dweller, SHa, so that we might share the Pearls of Wisdom that dropeth from La Prosecutrix's lips with All.  Five minutes into the episode, we realize those pearls consist of:
"This is so real!"
"These men have a level of seriousness mixed in with fun!"
"One of these men could be my husband!"

We immediately find the alcohol.

The men have moved into their mansion, "which looks like Hacienda," observes SHa.  It is turquoise and yellow, with tragic geometric curtains.  More importantly,  one of the men is wearing a hat that looks like a legwarmer.  We Hate That Hat (All of Us).   Blah Blah, Chris Harrison informs them that The Prosecutrix is one of the "most impressive" bachelorettes they've ever had.  We at the BNU dutifully acknowledge that she has, in fact, resisted the urge to get freakishly thin between Season Juan Ton and this Season.  Nonetheless, we withhold judgment on her alleged Impressivity until we discover whether she acts Like A Lawyer or not.   Please god, let her Not.

The first date card arrives, and it is for Dora.  "Love Is Everywhere!" It says.  Dora may or may not have used the word "Fairytale" in exclaiming his excitement getting this date.  We grow tired, but soon the Prosecutrix has shown up in a convertible to whisk Dora away on his date.  We know we are supposed to care, but seriously, WTF is up with the guy in the legwarmer hat?  And also, what is up with Marcus, and WHO is Marcus, and why is he jealous?

So The Prosecutrix has picked Dora for the first date because he is "really cute."  And also, he rode a motorcycle halfway across Africa.  He also camped with a witch doctor, also in Africa, because of course he did.   We secretly hope that is what ABe is doing in Uganda Right This Moment.

But we are  not finished, because now they are at the beach, and making the most unimaginative sandcastle ever!  "We already built our first home together!" Dora exclaims.  If that is the case, it is a doublewide trailer.  But we have stopped caring because The Prosecutrix is wearing a crochet bikini.   This Viewer once tried on a crochet bikini, in our much younger and I-am-a-dancer-therefore-I-don't-understand-the-use-of-elasticized-waistbands days.  Even then, EVEN in the ballet days, it looked like This Viewer put on an crocheted onion basket that should be Hanging Over The Sink instead of holding exactly one half of This Viewer's ass.  Tragedy, Thy Name is Crochet.

So just in case the carbon footprint of this date was not big enough already, The Prosecutrix decides to take Dora up in a helicopter.. . . .to somewhere snowy!!! "I can't believe that 20 minutes ago we were in sand, and now we are in snow!" says Dora.
"Is he Amish?" asks SHa.
But stop the presses, because some person who is named Louis Vitto(n) is there to teach Dora and the Prosecutrix how to snowboard!  We know that name, and are unsure if it is because Mr. Louis Vitto(n) was a prior contestant or alternatively, is a professional snowboarder.   We hate this part of the date, because Dora can snowboard but is excited to see The Prosecutrix try because he "likes snowbunnies," and The Prosecutrix says snowboarding is as bad as dancing for her.  Which is BAD.

The Prosecutrix is dismayed because Dora can, of course, snowboard and "he's good at everything!! Can we find something he's not good at?"
"Paragliding" whispers this Viewer.
SHa tells us we are on the Short Bus to Hell.

Dora and The Prosecutrix go to dinner at a lodge.  Oh!  Dora is Smart! (says The Prosecutrix).  Oh!  He is not only hot, but gorgeous!  Those Piercing Blue Eyes!!  Meh.  She asks him to name three things he is bad at, and he only gets to one:  He can't play piano "very well."  This Viewer also is not her finest at the piano or in blogging stream of conscious at the asscrack of dawn, but neither has stopped this Viewer from being completely judgmental about Dora's story about visiting Syria "as a journalist" and nearly being killed by Bad People before being informed that he must "go back to Turkey."  But, Gentle Readers, he did "take the most powerful photograph" of his "career" there.  We try valiantly to like Dora, but he just is so.... vanilla.

As we learn that Dora wants children and is whittling away at his list of things he will never do once he has a kid, he gets the rose on this date. But not before they make S'Mores.  This Viewer throws up a little in her mouth.

Off we go to date #2, which is a group date for a passel of men, including at least (and no, we don't know who these people are):  Ryan, Marquel, Bradley, Mackledouche, Patrick, Cody, Tazo, Marcus (who is marcus???), Nick S, Dylan, and probably someone else.  Ooo, and Carl the Firefighter.  The Hotness.

 The Prosecutrix meets the men outside some mall, and we do a double take because she is wearing a royal blue drape as a shirt.  And those jeggings that one can purchase at the Walgreens.  Soft like pajamas!  But look like jeans!   Marquel doesn't mind:  "If we are hunting bears, I can tackle some bears down pretty easily," says he.  Ok, This Viewer wants a Person of Color (POC) to go deep into this season, but Marquel is not helping the mission.  And also, you are AT THE DAMN MALL, Marquel.  THE MALL.

But Oh. My. God.  There are male strippers.  And they are dancing.  And The Prosecutrix's men and also ALL OF US are going to be exposed to the "world of exotic male dancing" on this date.  Gentle readers, This Viewer has been exposed, on multiple occasions and in varying degrees of quality, to That World.  But never, ever, will we forget our neighbor requiring us to sit through reams of pictures of her bachelorette party, in which a midwestern stripper Performed Unto Her Lap in a Red Thong.  Allegedly, our other neighbor could hear This Viewer's screams of "NOOOO" across the garden.

We get a little nervous for the Prosecutrix.  And then we get confused because The Sharl and The Dog Lover are here to support her in her time of need.  What?? And then Nick the Golf Pro is being assigned the role of Robot Who Takes It All Off.  And then Marcus (WHO THE HELL IS MARCUS?) is being assigned the solo of Soldier Boy.  And now they are practicing and Christ Jesus there is Carl the Firefighter and he is dancing as a firefighter and we all think We Might Die.  But then we all really do because Josh, who looks exactly like Every Man on this show forever, is doing a little dance for The Prosecutrix.
"I am horrified," says This Viewer.
"Yet vaguely turned on," observes SHa.

And then we see the outfits.
"Well, that's a Marble Bag," observes one man.
This Viewer just learned a new term.

So now they are obtaining the spray tans and greasing up and also, lifting the weights.  And soon we see "four sexy cowboys," which include Everyman, Craig (who we are coming to despise), Marquel, and maybe Nick, strutting their stuff before A Live Audience?  The Prosecutrix is traumatized because she saw Nick's teeth when he bent over.  Craig is traumatized because Everyman is basically built like a brick outhouse and Craig is not.  WE are traumatized because after the sexy cowboys, there are the fireman INCLUDING CARL.  THE HOTNESS.  And also, including Patrick, who we don't like because he is an Ad Man and has greased back hair.  He claims he will have PTSD.  Sweetness, as do we all.

In the end, Marcus encourages himself to Become Naked by repeating to himself that this is for "Charity," and then rocks it in his soldierboy solo.  Ooooh, that's who Marcus is.  Wait, or is that Brian?

"They worked it." Observes Andi.  "Some of them look like they had worked it before."  The Prosecutrix, For The Win!

Now we are at dinner, and The Prosecutrix wants to "dig deeper" with these men. Okay, so 1:1 with Brian.  Andi was "so impressed with" him, gentle readers.  He is a TEACHER, but got through the stripping by repeating "charity charity charity" and also, he hopes his kids "will be proud."  Wait, was he the Soldier boy, and not  Marcus?  We think so.  Damn it, so who is Marcus???

Next up, 1:1 with Everyman . . . who doesn't want to be "stereotyped as a pro athlete."  We actually like him, despite ourselves, because he is incredibly nervous.  But we agree with Andi when she says that her back is up a little bit with him because she has dated athletes in the past and is familiar with "the lifestyle."  This Viewer, too, had a short history dating athletes until one day in the grocery store, one told us to "Back That Thang Up."  And We Did, all the way back home.

 The big news here is that Craig is shitfaced.  And drinking heavily still. And jumping in the pool.  We are disappointed when producers take him home, instead of The Prosecutrix kicking him to the curb.  We are even more disappointed when, after enduring Craig and his drunkenness, we must listen to The Opera Singer sing for Andi while she smiles politely.
"If You are an Opera Singer,..... just don't do that," observes SHa.
We know the Sharl, wherever she is, agrees.

So Marcus gets the rose on this date, but we would be remiss if we did not mention that The Prosecutrix has Forgotten Her Top:

"I see Tweener," says SHa.

So the last date is for The Farmer, who looks vaguely like Matthew Mcconaughay.  We like him when he says he needs to "put lipstick on this pig," as he goes to get ready for his date.   Which is at the Santa Anita Horse Races.  And for once, we covet The Prosecutrix's dress, which is somewhat fabulous and 1940s-esque.  Oh!  She wants to know McConaughay because he is a farmer, and she is a city girl!  Oh!  She is is dream girl and he wants to make her happy and make her fall in love with him!  Ok, so that last part worries us a little because he doesn't even know her, really, but still.

SO this part we weren't paying attention to because we were mostly playing with SHa's baby, but we think mint julips were involved.  And betting on races.  And also, there is a complete Plant of The Music Man and his Wife, in the form of a couple who allegedly has been married for 55 years and wants to know how long McConaughay and The Prosecutrix have been together.  We cry Bullshittery.   The only time any couple has ever asked that of This Viewer and a Paramour (historically), was in the middle of a spectacular argument In The Bar of a Chain Restaurant.  Keep it classy, KLo.

ANYWAY, McConaughay is apparently "refreshing" to Andi, after the drama of Drunken Craig the night before, because he is there for the Right Reasons.  And also, There For Her.  They go dance to the song stylings of "This Wild Life," as he earns the rose and the first kiss of the show.  And it is not gross!  YAY!!!

"This is too much like college," says SHa, as she observes the slow dancing to a strained ballad sung by heavily tattooed men, one with an AH-MAZING beard.

We may have spent part of our college years at our sister's college, but we remember it a little differently, including but not limited to One Gentleman giving a lady A Concussion headbanging at at a college dance.  When his picture was later in the school paper, This Viewer and her roommates glued it to a piece of cork and made it a door knocker, in honor of his status as Headknocker Boy.  This is why we were single for many years (yes, gentle readers, the ONLY REASON).

Ooookay, so at last the rose ceremony is upon us, and the big news is that The Prosecutrix is wearing "one of those 1970s beaded door curtains," observes SHa.  Except she looks really good in it.  Curse her.  Patrick the disgustingly slicked back Ad Man, agrees.

We know there are some 1:1 times here, including Nick and The Prosecutrix agreeing that they are both holding out for Something Special, and also, EveryMan winning us over AGAIN with his incredible nervousness yet suave suave ways in which he steals a kiss in the bushes.  And then finally, a song by Drunken Craig:
I messed up last night;
I had too much Firefly;
I bared my junk to 13 other guys;
I hope and pray that it's alright.
Oooooh, Andi.
Please let me stay.

(spoiler alert) She doesn't.

In the end, to join Dora, Marcus, and McConaughay with roses, she picks:
1. Ron.  Query: will a POC make it to the end?
2.  Dillon . We don't know this person.
3.  JJ, the Pantspraneur.
4.  Marquel.  Yay!
5.  Andrew.  Nope, don't know him either.
6.  Tazo.
7. Everyman
8.   Mackledouche.  WHAT?
9.  Nick V.
10.  Ad Man.  Ugh.
11.  Brian, a/k/a Soldierboy.
12.  Brett.  Doesn't he have a mullet???
13.  The Opera Singer.  NOOOOOO.

CARL, THE HOTNESS, goes home.  We are really sad.  We care less about The Golf Pro and Drunken Craig, who also go home.

Stay tuned for next week, when ABC tries to kill this Viewer with two back-to-back episodes, including one Sunday night.

-Peace,
KLo