Juan Ton Part 9: It's ok.

The bad news is that This Viewer missed the first hour of Juan Ton Part 9 due to Work Items and doesn't have a television anymore and therefore cannot go on the interwebs to watch the episode because ABC is evil and requires a television subscription.  We know.  It's like Russian Roulette blogging.   The good news is that ABe and KMu did not miss the first hour.  And this, beloved readers, is what They Told Me:

Babies, we are in Saint Lucia for the Tropical and Magical Overnight Dates.  First up?  Norma Cassidy, on what KMu describes as the standard yacht date [food they don't eat, followed by Titanic re-enactments].

ABe:  "I don't remember anything about this date except inane chatter. Oh, and the POC driving the dinghy to the yacht."
KMu:  Norma Cassidy's dress was all blue and yellow and flowers.  Basically, she looked like a really tiny couch.  And also, there was a LOT of crotch being shown on this date. ABe almost died."

KMu again:  "So then they have dinner in a cave -- not HER cave, KLo, because that's for later -- and all of us feel stupider listening to Norma Cassidy."
Norma:  "It's a cave!  Let's follow the candles! (tikki torches).  But um, would it be weird, like if at some point, you know, like, I would like to, maybe meet Camila? I just, like, want to share my feelings."
Juan Ton:  "It's ok, it's ok, that's fine, it's ok."
And then the fantasy suite card came, and Norma Cassidy had to relive all the drama of "what happened in Vietnam" with the night swimming.
Juan Ton:  "And definately tomorrow we wake up, we will know about each other, I think, a LOT more."
More Juan Ton: "You were a big block of ice."
Norma Cassidy:  "You melted me!"

Basically, This Viewer is glad she missed it all.

Oh, and apparently Norma Cassidy was wearing a dress for dinner that looked like little piles of kleenex ripped up and glued to her bosoms.

Next up:  Andi.  And babies, at this point, This Viewer is REALLY glad she missed the first part of Juan Ton Part 9 because Juan Ton and Andi play steel drums with the "Harmonites."  Which is exactly what this Viewer would do with a person that has no rhythm.  And also, this Viewer hates the steel drum.  And also, the "Harmonites" sounds like an a capella group, like the Mennonotes.  For realz.

This is also apparently the date in which Juan Ton demonstrates his multi-culturalism by creeping out children at the lunch shack ["hi, little boy.  Let me get you some juice."] and also, by playing a "random" pick-up soccer game with the local children.  Of course, all black.  This Viewer can feel ABe's rage from across the miles.

But drama is building. Lo, for Andi has appeared in this swimsuit AGAIN:

And even a makeout session under yet another waterfall in this Awful Wrestling Suit cannot save this date, as Andi attempts, over dinner, to delve into serious topics but Juan Ton is operating at a somewhat different level:
"She's funny.  Her cheeks are rounded."

Blah blah, they go to the fantasy suite, but it is apparently "her nightmare."

Okay, so at this point, This Viewer must set the stage.  We have been up since 4 a.m.  We have worked all day.  We run into our hotel room, eyeballs screaming from the wearing of contacts too long and body screaming from the wearing of A Vile Suit.  We trail coat, hat, gloves, and suit behind us like Little Puddles of Regret and simultaneously grab contact case and television remote.  Unsuspectingly, we turn on the television and BAM, this is what we see:

Babies, this outfit is RIDING A HORSE.  We have A Seizure.

This Viewer has found that people who go overseas often bring back A Little Crazy in the form of clothing that looks perfectly normal in whatever country they have come from, but which, in the middle of corn fields and also, the midwest, is jarring.   In honor of her alma mater, this Viewer calls it "SST clothing." [SST = study service term].   Also popular with Individuals Who Have Not Actually Traveled to the Country But Bought Said Clothing in a Fair Trade Store And Therefore Feel Simultaneously Hip and Virtuous.

But here is the thing:  Out of all the SST clothing, there is Nothing worse than SST Pants.  Babies, SST pants are like giant balloons of cotton, typically ending in some kind of peg leg but not necessarily, with a wackadoodle tie at the top.  And also, turtles, or giant flowers, or maybe even tie-dye in vibrant colors, Vomited All Over Them.  SST Pants are basically an invite to, "Take a Load Off Sally" and then carry it around like a diaper for the rest of eternity.  We (All of Us) hate these pants.

Anyway, Nurse Nikki is wearing SST Pants.  But she has also coupled them with a leather stringy taco meat bikini top.  And now she is riding a horse in her SST Pants and Taco Top, and Juan Ton is telling her that if she was NOT wearing said pants it would be amazing and also, that he would ride behind her.  We feel dirty.  Their kissing in the ocean does not help.

But then Juan Ton takes Nurse Nikki to dinner, and we only feel bored.  She is "thinking a lot" but he doesn't really ask her what she's thinking about, and she doesn't really tell him.  Apparently, she is thinking about how she wants to tell him that she loves him.  Which she does In The Fantasy Suite.  Juan Ton is thrilled:
"Nikki could be a good partner.  She is honest, pretty, sexy, AND cares about people."
SIGH.
This Viewer wishes she had alcohol.

So flash forward to the next day, and Chris Harrison is talking to Juan Ton:
JP:  I feel very very good."
CH:  What does that mean?
JP: "I am in a good place in my life."
After about 5 minutes of attempting to get Juan Ton to say that he actually loves one of the remaining tragedies of a contestant instead of just saying that he's essentially, having a good time sleeping with all of them, Chris Harrison relinquishes him to the Special Video Messages made by the three women:

Nurse Nikki:  " I can't believe I am in St. Lucia.  This is fun.  And also, my heart.  And, our date was the most romantic Ever.  I can not wait to see what the future holds." [plastic smile].

Norma Cassidy:   [we gasp at her necklace of dinosaur teeth] "You got to meet my family.  I have fallen in love with you." [scary squinty smile].

Andi:  "So, I had no idea what to expect when I came into this, and I allowed myself to be swept away with the emotion, except now I am Feeling Some Things and want to share them with you. . . in person." And then we see her, walking towards Juan Ton in a button down shirt and a pair of frilly pantaloons:

So Andi rips into Juan Ton.  It is long and this Viewer is Tired, so the Cliffs Notes are as Follows:

Andi does not think Juan Ton is taking the process seriously.  All he does is say "its ok its ok its ok" and pets her face.  He doesn't know her politics, her religion, or how she wants to raise children.  [which he freely admits he doesn't know].  If she hears "its ok" one more time she is going to Freak Out because she just wants some kind of real emotional response from him, good or bad.  And also, there is such a thing as Too Honest, which he is being when he informs her that he also spent the night with Norma Cassidy in the fantasy suite, because who needs to hear that.

Juan Ton's response:  I can't make you love me if you don't.  I respect you, so it's ok if you have to leave.  [pets her face, at which point she yells at him for messing up her makeup].  He shows no emotion and essentially says "do what you gotta do."

So basically, Juan Ton is completely and utterly emotionally tone deaf.  "You know," whispers this Viewer to Andi, "we appreciate that you are trying to tell him.  But he doesn't know what is wrong and is going to have to lose a lot of things before he figures it out, if ever.  So please stop beating your head against that particular brick wall, and make yourself a cocktail.  Also, please put on some Pants."

Andi leaves with complete clarity that This Man is Ridiculous.  And while this Viewer finds Andi to be Exactly What One Gets From Law School and Therefore Exhausting At Times, we actually have to agree with her on this one.  Juan Ton, meanwhile, childishly states that Andi could not have stayed IF she had asked to, because she fought with him.  We no longer like Juan Ton.  He is Dead to Us.

And then here we are at the rose ceremony, which is sort of ridiculous because it's just Nurse Nikki and Norma Cassidy.  Who hate each other.  Juan Ton explains to them that Andi has left because her heart wasn't in it, but they both accept their roses anyway.  "I wonder who he will pick, since Nikki and I are such different people," says Norma Cassidy.

We secretly hope they all get voted off the island.

Stay tuned for next week, which is the last of this Viewer's Travel-Obstacle  Episodes but thankfully, only The Women Tell All. . . .  In which Andi apparently says that she "just lay there and waited for it to be over" in the Fantasy Suite and This Viewer is completely Traumatized In Advance.

-KLo