The Prosecutrix Part 1: In Which This Viewer Sings the Song of Her People

Gentle readers, KMu had baby BMu on Friday. While This Viewer secretly thinks that the timing of his entrance unto this earth was designed to save the entire Mu family from The Prosecutrix Part 1, we nonetheless are thrilled for the Mus.  And so ABe and This Viewer suffer, quietly and Alone, through what is always the worst episode of all season:  the introductions.

We shall do this in two parts:  The Facts. . . followed by Our Secret Feelings, emoted in song. Because it is late.  And this Viewer is slap happy and bitter at ABC and The Prosecutrix for picking such a pile of uninteresting men for us all to endure for the next few months. 

Part One, In Which This Viewer Reports The Facts: 

Lo, for here is Andi, our heroine, who at 27 has QUIT HER JOB as a prosecutrix to "follow love." That is a damn fool decision, and also, we hate most of the outfits she has quit her job to try on.  But we don't get a vote, as sister Cecily shows up to help Andi select a dress for the first night.  Will it be the gold lame American Hustle dress, or the one that makes her look like a Christmas bauble? 

Christmas bauble it is.  

One hard edit later, and we are suddenly seeing men pop out of limos.  Well, this is a New and Violent Format, ABC. 

As we survey the crime scene, we try to remember which one has the "biggest date fear" of "accidental diarrhea" (according to his bio, which we cannot bother to go find again).   This Viewer would not think that was A Thing, except that we dated someone once that had it.  Sigh.  This Viewer can do many things, including make a man have the Nervous Poops. 

Okay, here comes limo #1. 

"Bad Boys Bad Boys, watcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?" sings ABe. And we have: 

1.  Marcus, a sports medicine something or other that "has a lot to give and offer."  Meh. 

2.  Chris, a farmer from Iowa.  We love us a farmer!!!

3.  JJ, a pantspraneur.  No, we don't know what that is.  And also, when This Viewer was a 10 years old, we were in a jazz class with JJ, the most popular girl in all of the local high school, with the mall bangs and the long long legs and the light blue eye shadow.  She was also a cheerleader.  And while JJ was probably not as thrilled as This Viewer to be in jazz class with a 10 year old, This Viewer will always cherish dancing with her to "How Will I Know (If He Really Loves Me)" in our red pants-leotards, like Mini-Centaurs of Awesome.  

4 . Marquel, a POC who brings his "A game."  ABe gives him an "8" of hotness, though he has no neck. 

5.  Tasos, whom we shall call Tazo.  He is a wedding planner and is allegedly not gay, despite the wearing of potentially no socks and the story about Lovers' Bridge in France.  He instructs The Prosecutrix on how to put a lock on the fence and throw away the key, and we hate him for it.  Men Who Instruct Make Us Fussy (All of Us). 

And then we don't know what is happening, because Limo #2 has shows up with. . .

6.  The most douchey Macklemore impersonator ever.   He is spray tanned, and also a personal trainer from Chicago.  We don't like Mackledouche. 

7.  Bachelor Ben, reincarnated as Steven the snowboarder.  We channel all of our rage from season Ben-that-we-did-not-blog-and-his-hair-of-horror  onto Steven. 

8.  Rudie, an Attorney.  Noooooooooo. 

"May I approach the Bachelorette" he asks.  AND THEN he gives her a Voluntary 4th (Amendment) Waiver that looks like he wrote it in crayon.  This is why lawyers should never represent themselves pro se. 

But now We at the BNU are not breathing any more because: 

9.  Carl the firefighter has stepped out. ABe gives him a "6" and This Viewer immediately adds three more points.  We did not hear anything he had to say because he had us at "Firefighter."  And also, The Hotness. 

10.  Jason, a doctor with long hair that makes some terrible joke about diagnosing The Prosecutrix as hot because she has a fever, and we know he is A Goner. 

Limo #3 is now upon us, and we do not know what ABC is doing with this New and Truncated format because it is All So Overwhelming and How Are We Supposed To Remember These People but now we have:

11.  Nick V, a 12 year old in software something. 

12.  Dylan, an accountant. 

13.  Patrick, an Advertising Exec. with a soccer ball.  We are immediately suspicious.

14.  Emil, a helicopter pilot.   

"You pronounce my name like Anal, but with an M."  

We at the BNU have no words. 

"A NINE, he gets a NINE" screams ABe from the sofa. 

15.  Last but not least (in this limo), Brett, a hairdresser who stole a hotel lamp to give to Andi. WTF. 

Then suddenly another Limo is upon us with: 

16.  Craig, a Tax Accountant with champagne.  

17.  Ron, POC #2 in beverage sales. 

18.  Bradley, an Opera Singer who wants to serenade Andi.  We think he has a dribbly jowel. 

19.   Some other dude who is a telemarketer or something. 

20.  Nick, a pro golfer who shows up in a golf cart.  He is horrible. 

Finally, Limo #4 appears carrying:  

21.  Brian, a Basketball coach from PA.  We like Brian. 

22.  But we don't like Andrew, who tells Andi she has an "adorable smile."  Just what every Prosecutrix wants to hear. 

23.  Mike, a thrift shop version of Thor with his long scraggly blonde locks.  He is a bartender. 

24.  Eric, a professional "Explorer."  This is the contestant that apparently died after the show.  As we are not to speak ill of the dead Unless They Act Like Asshats on Television, we shall call him Dora. 

25.  Josh, some kind of former pro ball player of some sort.  

We are exhausted.  Yet now the evening continues with 1:1s. 

Oh!  Josh's mother loved Andi!  He's even willing to eat sushi with her!  Oh!  Marquel runs Andi through a cookie taste taste, ending with a black and white cookie.  Well played, Marquel.  Well Played.  But Dora woos Andi with tales of his world travels. Ooo, a close competition.

While this is happening, A Ghost of Seasons Past is trying to get on the show.  And this brings up a point:  We at the BNU feel that the Bachelorette should have a Dead Rose in her kitty (not The Kitty, but you know, the kitty).  And if that dead rose appears, it means said contestant shall never, ever reincarnate himself on this show ever again.  Blah blah, ABC makes much of this but in the end, Chris or whatever his name is, gets the boot from Andi without even seeing her.  

And we go back to 1:1 time with Tazo, who is teaching himself languages.  And Nick, who has 10 siblings.  ABe feels strongly that Nick would be cuter if he had an Irish accent.  This Viewer does not feel that would help.  But before we can debate the point, the Opera Singer opens his maw to sing ahs.  We Secretly Wish He had said: 

I am an opera singer. 

I stand on painted tape. 

It tells me where I'm going. 

And where to throw my cape. 

Soon we see The Farmer, whom we cautiously love for some reason. But Andi appears more interested in her 1:1 with Marcus, who claims Polish is his first language, but he speaks more German, and only that a little.  We are confused. 

We are even more confused when Nick, the 12 year old, gets the First Impression Rose.  What? And then, We at the BNU know this season is headed for suckage when Andi picks to join him (as ABe and This Viewer chant FAR-MER, FAR-MER]:  

1.  JJ

2.  Dora

3.  Marquel 

4.  Craig.  Ew. 

5.  Tazo.  Double Ew. 

6.  Josh, the former pro ball whatsit. 

7.  Brian.  

8.  The Opera Singer

9.  Marcus. 

10.  Andrew.  wtf. 

11.  Ron

12.  Carl. 

13.  The Farmer!!! YAY!!

14.  Some dude we didn't catch. 

15.  Brett the hairdresser. 

16.  Patrick. 

17. Mackledouche. 

18. Another Nick

19.  Apparently, we left somebody out here.  

Ooo, the Doctor, Thriftshop Thor, Emil, and Rudie the lawyer go home!   We are not sad for any of them.  We are secretly grateful there are less menfolk.   And now for: 

Part Two, In Which This Viewer Puts Her Emotions Into Song: 

BRO-ZEN (A Duet Between The Prosectrix And This Viewer).

The Prosecutrix:

The rain glows bright on the driveway tonight
not a black man to be seen.
A kingdom of conjucation
And it looks like I’m the queen.

My stomach’s howling like my feet in heels so high….
Couldn’t suck it in, heaven knows I tried.

[limo #1 drives up]

Oooo, let them in! Let them see!
What a total hottie I can be!
Conceal.  For real!  Don’t let them know!
I LOVE THIS SHOW!!!!

[KLo, from The Sofa of Despair:]

LET HIM GO.  LET HIM GO. 
DON’T MARRY THAT ASSHOLE.
LET HIM GO. LET HIM GO.
TURN AWAY AND SLAM THE DOOR.

The Prosecutrix:

I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU’RE GOING TO SAY.
My hormones rage on. .. . 
“Dumb as soup” never bothered me anyway.  

It’s funny how some distance makes the shame of Juan Ton so small
And the family who loves me
Can’t get to me at all!

It’s time to see what I can do.
To test the limits and break through.
No right, no wrong, men all for me….
They’re STD free!!!!!

              [KLo, Clutching Mini-Bottle of Wine:]

LET HIM GO. LET HIM GO.
THAT ONE LOOKS LIKE HE’S REALLY HIGH.
LET HIM GO.  LET HIM GO.
OR YOU’RE GOING TO MAKE US ALL CRY.

The Prosecutrix:
HERE I STAND.  AND HERE I’LL STAY.
My hormones rage on . . . .

[musical interlude]

My power over these nimrods has them spellbound!
My soul is spiraling in shame and regret all around!
And one thought crystalizes like an icy bath.
I can’t go back.  The past is all I have!

              [KLo, Again:]

LET HIM GO. LET HIM GO.
IF I RISE AT THE BREAK OF DAWN
LET HIM GO. LET HIM GO.
TO BLOG THIS GODFORSAKEN SHOW.

HERE I SIT.  LISTENING TO THIS BULLSHIT.
LET THE DRINKS FLOW ON. . . .
THE WINE HELPS ME GET THROUGH IT ANYWAY.

You are welcome. 

-KLo.