The Prosecutrix Part 4: The Phantom Dookie

Are you there, readers?  It's This Viewer, KLo.  It is Day 2 of our Internment, and even The Catholic Family did not come to say hello this evening.  What will this day be like (I wonder).  What will Our Fuuuuture Be (I wonder).  But soon The Prosecutrix is telling us:  We will be starting our "journey around the world" in ... Connecticut.  Where it is "romantic" because there are "white picket fences and sailboats."  And also, she is developing feelings "for more than one guy."

That one guy better damn well NOT be Mackeldouche, who has gone full-on thrift shop for the trip across the U.S.  This Viewer may have once gone to a roller skating party wearing Tights as a Top, but Past Embarrassments only give us Good Cause to complain about the fact that Mackledouche is wearing, in no particular order, sweatpants hiked up to his knees, air jordans, a V-neck top ripped off the body of Pringles, and also, a legwarmer hat.  We still hate that hat.  But our attention is momentarily averted because Marquel is excited and McConaughey intends to "keep The Prosecutrix warm in snowy Connecticut."  But (spoiler alert) McConaughey encounters A Rival for This Viewer's Affection in the Prosecutrix Part 4, and so we remain somewhat unmoved by his tender whispers.

Date Card #1 is here, and it is for Dylan.  "Our relationship is picking up speed."  This Viewer immediately imagines Dropping to a Fiery Death but apparently, the card only means they are riding the Essex Steam Train up the Connecticut River.  "Our relationship is probably going to take a turn today."  says The Prosecutrix.  And we are sorry to make a lawyer joke, but Just This Once (we promise):  *cough*Palsgraf*cough*.

"I am totally sure Dylan will be coming home," says Andr(ew) to the remaining guys.  "I give him only a 50/50 chance of coming home," says Andr(ew) to All of Us.  We secretly think that Andr(ew) is A Greasy Crapple and we wish he would be the one going home.  

So what to say about this date?  They have champagne.  We see repeated clips of how much Dylan wants to open up about his life, and also, how The Prosecutrix knows he is Carrying A Load and needs to unburden himself.  And finally, FINALLY he tells her that he had an eight year relationship which ended at the same time his brother killed himself, which was last November, and which also was three years after his sister killed herself.  And this is truly awful, and we feel bad for Dylan (All of Us), especially when he says that being back home in Connecticut is hard because it brings back so many GOOD memories from when he was growing up.

So, This Viewer once watched a show about Tough Love for Troubled Teens, in which said Teens go camping out in The Wild, where they must do various survival items for weeks on end until discipline is ingrained in them.  Gentle Readers, a critical part of that discipline includes digging the hole to drop one's deuce, and then covering it up again.  But occasionally, a random deuce is discovered, like a tiny Rock of Gilbralter, frozen to the tundra.  This Unclaimed Shit That Has Not Been Dealt With has a name:  the Phantom Dookie.

We conclude that Dylan has very recently distanced himself from The Phantom, and we feel bad for him.   While it is probably not the best time for Dylan to find love after losing a sibling and ending a long relationship less than six months before the show taped, we will not make fun of him for leaving his unclaimed dooks In the Open.  He gets the rose on this date.

Meanwhile, Date Card #2 has come:  "Who's got game?" And this one is for Ad Man, JJ, Mackledouche, Andr(ew), Marquel, Nick, Tazo, Brian, Everyman, and Dora.  And yes, it is basketball-related. The Prosecutrix hopes the men "embrace it, get sweaty, shoot some hoops, and look like men."  omg.

Brian the basketball coach is extremely excited.  We at the BNU suddenly find ourselves Slayed by His Smile, and so we also become excited for him.  Well, this was unanticipated.  But we have no time to examine Our Developing Crush because the WNBA has come to kick the mens' butts.  We are impressed with Brian and Everyman because they know the WNBA players' names and are rightfully intimidated.

 A few minutes into the game, the score is like 30000 (WNBA) to 8 (the men). It remains that way.
"Yeah, we are running around like a bunch of Infants," observed Nick, "and they are barely trying."
"Well, that was more like a warm-up," observes Awesome WNBA Lady.   But then, unsurprisingly, It Gets Real when The Prosecutrix splits the men into groups to play against each other.  The winning team gets to continue on with the date, whereas the losers go  home.  Ooooo!!!!

Brian immediately kicks it into coaching gear, strategizing with his team "The Rosebuds" to win via strong defense.  We are momentarily distracted from these strategems by the discovery that snobby Ad Man has a barbed wire tattoo around his arm, which we are pretty sure is the equivalent of A Secret Mullet.   But we become less distracted by Ad Man's Poor Life Choices Tattoo when Brian begins to make shot after shot.  And also, The Hotness.  By half-time, the game is tied 6-6, we are only watching Brian, and Marquel has informed Us All that in the second half, the other side will be going back to the hotel to "eat some cereal or whatever it is that losers eat."   We immediately hide our popsicle from the computer.

Brian pretty much wins the game for The Rosebuds in the second half.  The Rosebuds, which include Brian, Mackledouche, Dora, Marquel, and Andr(ew), awkwardly re-enact what was likely their Junior High Days by popping foaming bottles of champagne at the walls of the mens' locker room showers.  Ew.  Meanwhile, the "Five of Hearts" team is shattered.  McConaughey feels that going home is a "bitter pill to swallow" and Everyman is a "little fired up.  I'm not a sore loser, but this sucks."  We don't care because it is getting late and we are tired.

Off we go to the after-event cocktail party, at which Dora immediately borrows The Prosecutrix for some 1:1.  They agree that their relationship feels "stalled" and then Dora begins to complain that he feels like their time together is "so formal."  Suddenly, we become wary.  We have long suspected that Dora is A Peter Pan Man who will neither Own nor Deal With his Phantom Dooks.  This suspicion is confirmed when, after The Prosecutrix tells Dora that all she knows about him is his travels, he then turns the story of his family into one about how he traveled to all 50 states before coming on the show.

We are more excited for 1:1 time with Brian, who claims he is "smitten" with Andi.  As we are with you, Brian, As Are We With You.  Brian teaches The Prosecutrix how to shoot, and then she challenges him to make a shot from half court, WHICH HE DOES and it is ALL NET THE HOTNESS.  The Prosecutrix is about ready to pass out, and We are about ready to pass out.... and then Brian doesn't kiss her.  "Andi may have been giving me the signs, but I am terrible at reading signs" says he.  Noooooooooo.  Instead, we are forced to watch Nick get all up in The Prosecutrix's jizz as he smooches her in the corner.  We know she "feels most comfortable" around him but there is something unbalanced about him In this Viewer's Estimation.

Brian gets the rose on this date.

At last, card #3 has arrived, and it is for Marcus:  "Sky's the Limit."  This Viewer always has felt that "Sky' would be an appropriate name for an overprotective parent to name their daughter, so that one might say to a would-be swain:  "Sky's the limit, sir. Go No Further."   But ANYWAY, this date is about heights.  Of which both The Prosecutrix and Marcus are terrified.  So she has decided to tackle that fear by rappelling down the side of the hotel where they are staying.  Marcus has chosen to omit socks from his wardrobe for this occasion.

Basically, Marcus panics by going all silent, and then The Prosecutrix panics by working herself up.  And as she stays frozen on the edge of the building, refusing to come down the wall, Marcus decides he "needs to be the man in the relationship and hide his fear," because That Is Healthy.  But it apparently works with her, and we have to acknowledge that he is a little awesome in forcing her to look at him and also, asking her questions about her life to keep her mind off The 30,000 foot drop.  They share an awkward kiss on the side of the building.  You know, it's the little things.

In the end, and after they have rappelled down the windows of the suite where all the other guys are staying, she feels "liberated."  Marcus "literally got me off that ledge." As This Viewer's coworkers do that every day, and also check the windows in this Viewer's office to make sure they do not open, and also come down to check on us when A Trauma happens in our Work Related Items, we can relate.   As we are contemplating whether we would prefer The Prosecutrix's ledge versus our own, if forced to pick one, she and Marcus go to dinner.
"Here's to trusting each other and getting through one of the most difficult things in my life," says Marcus.
Wait, how old is this person? We immediately check ... 25. He is TWENTY-FIVE.   In addition to His Infant Status and also, apparent lack of Difficult Things to date, we become nervous when he also reveals that his last relationship of three years ended suddenly and out of the blue when she walked out on him.  These things do not happen overnight.  But the Prosecutrix is moved by Marcus and the fact that he is "a catch" (which he may be in five or ten years), so he gets a rose.

Marcus and La Prosecutrix end this date by dancing on a raised platform in the middle of a casino to the smooth song stylings of, we think, John Hardy.  Oh, and this happens, while dancing:
Marcus: "I think I'm falling in love with you! It's the scariest thing in my life."
Prosecutrix:  "Don't be scared."
Marcus:  "Why?"
Prosecutrix:  "BECAUSE I'M HERE."

We fall off the porch laughing.

Now the rose ceremony is upon us, and The Prosecutrix has gotten a love note.  This Viewer is pretty sure that a love note, written on actual paper with an actual pen, is the Best Thing Ever In The World.  And also, writing love notes for a living would be the best job ever, second only to writing the Sunday wedding column in the New York Times, which this Viewer reads religiously.  With these thoughts in mind, we forgive the rather uninventive nature of Andi's love note:
"This journey has been amazing so far to say the least....."
We think Chris Harrison sent it.

Immediately upon Andi's arrival, in a tin foil dress, to la ceremony, Tazo takes her aside for some 1:1 time.  He is sweet, but we nearly pass out from The Hotness when Brian seizes The Prosecutrix and takes her back to the basketball court, WHERE HE KISSES HER.  And also, HE IS GOOD AT IT.  We, like the Prosecutrix, are even more endeared to Brian for owning up that he probably should have Made A Move back during the group date.  We fan ourselves.

Meanwhile, we have decided Marquel is *awesome* because he has decided to teach The Prosecutrix how to defend herself when he is not around.  So he shows her the "Rear naked choke(hold)."  We hope that is not in some sex book somewhere.

And then.... Dora Strikes Back.  He has apparently been thinking a great deal about his last conversation with Andi, and so in 1:1 time, he decides to complain to her that he  was taken "aback" by her comments about not knowing him well because he feels like he was really "open" with her about his family (which he only mentioned after she told him she didn't know anything about his family).  So he thinks it will be helpful to tell HER that she is not being open with HIM, and also that he came on this show to "meet a person, not a TV actress."
We cringe.
And it continues:  "I see two different sides of Andi.  I see the poker face most of the time.  But then sometimes, I see the 'real' Andi, when you are building a sandcastle, or riding in the helicopter, or walking down the pier."

Oh HELL no.   Peter Pan Man apparently thinks that the only "real" version of this lady is when she is skipping down the sidewalk, not acting like an adult in a stressful situation.  And then, THEN, he asks of her, the judgment clear in his words,  "Do you feel comfortable and natural all the time?"

Dora has taken his little frozen rock of gilbralter, dragged his butt through it, rolled around in it, flung it at Andi, and then disclaimed it as his own.
We sit back to see what her response will be.

The Prosecutrix explodes.  She tells him that OF COURSE she does not feel comfortable and natural all the time; that this is actually difficult to make sure she is paying attention to all of the men, and running all over creation to go on dates with them, and sending them home, and giving speeches, etc.  And also, that she is insulted by him.  And ALSO, that this is "now way past healthy," and they both know that this is not going anywhere, so "thank you for your time."  And then she bursts into tears, As Would We All.
"She should not be crying now," observes Everyman, like a Greek Chorus from the other room.

But then Andi tells the other men that if any of them thinks she has a "poker face," then they can just "walk your ass on out of here," and we love her for it.  And then she stalks out of the room, armored dress clinking.  Go, Prosecutrix!!!

Dora is left catching a taxi, claiming that he is "all about love."  And also, "love is the reason to live."

It is at this point that the show ends. Chris Harrison comes on to tell us that this was Dora's last episode filmed, and that he died paragliding in Utah shortly thereafter.  And [since he was a giant Peter Pan Man in this last show], ABC wants to pay tribute to him.  So he and Andi talk awkwardly about him, and then Chris Harrison says that by the way, Tazo got kicked off the island that night.

Given Dora's last performance, We at the BNU offer a somewhat different tribute:

Stay tuned for TWO WEEKS from now, when The Prosecutrix Part 5 airs, and This Viewer is reunited with KMu and ABe.

KLo.