The Prosecutrix Part 3: Pour The Wine, Light The Fire.....
"Good Evening," This Viewer mutters bitterly from her porch to what certain individuals in This Viewer's Household call the "Catholic Family" (two adult geese, six babies). We have situated ourselves thusly to watch The Bachelorette, which ABC tells us is "new for this special night." Otherwise known as Sunday, the day on which this Viewer RESTS. We glare at our computer.
The Prosecutrix is thrilled, however, because this Hollowed Day marks her sojourn from L.A. to Santa Barbara, which apparently has "sand, and air, and mountains!" And is also a "different pace" from L.A. We don't care. Moreover, we don't care that Chris Harrison has shown up in his 12 year old son's old suitjacket to tell the men that they will be trekking over to Santa Barbara individually for dates. We are bitter, and tired, and only slightly mollified by the ample sight of McConaughey, who has rapidly replaced Carl as The Hotness on this show, despite his apparent lack of lips.
The first date card has come, and it is for Nick. "Let's ride off into the sunset," it says. This Viewer has long struggled with Nick, who reminds This Viewer (work with us here) almost precisely of the newscaster on the Michael Keaton Batman, during the days in which he is forced to go make-up free or risk gruesome distortion at the hands of The Joker. When we lean closer to our screen, we can can almost hear him whisper, "My my my my my, my my joker face," perjuring L. Gaga with impunity. Except there is no name for that character and we are not feeling inventive. And so we still call him Nick. Sigh.
ANYWAY, they are meeting on a dock to ride bikes. This Viewer recently started riding a bike again, and we are here to tell you (All Of You) that if things are supposed to Come Back Just Like Riding a Bike, then we can only say that It All Comes Back, including the bit where One Hits a Tree and also That Parked Car. We have been declared A Menace and not allowed out of the neighborhood. Apparently, The Prosecutrix and Nick are much better at riding a bike than This Viewer.
But we are not done with reliving This Viewer's Walk of Shame, because next Nick and Le Prosecutrix go hiking in "Lizard's Mouth" and we immediately become apprehensive because the last time this Viewer went hiking by ourselves, we fell spectacularly while fiddling with our IPhone like an idiot (we wanted to take a picture for The Mister). A fellow hiker, Man In The Blue Shirt, looked behind him at This Viewer, sprawled in all her glory on the rocks, AND KEPT GOING. Chivalry is dead.
Nick is amazed that he is experiencing Feelings, and also Emotions, because he was "skeptical" of the process. But soon he confesses that he has a crush on Andi because she "has a great resume." We die a little inside. But Burning Rage soon takes over because the Prosecutrix is asking Probing Questions: "All your friends are married but you aren't, why is that??"
Really? REALLY? We don't even care if Nick gets the rose (which he does), because we feel so bad for him having to explain why, at 20-whatever or 30-whatever, he dares to be single. We secretly wish he would respond, "same reason you're single, You Old Hag. Your biological clock must be ticking!" But no, instead Nick feels like "this crazy kid might have a shot!" with The Prosecutrix. But we know that he doesn't because he wears his collar popped.
Off we go to date #2, which is a group date for at least the following: Andr(ew), Brian, Marquel, Mackledouche, Mulletted Brett, Tazo, Ron, The Opera Singer, Marcus, Dora, Everyman, and probably some we've missed. "Let's start things off on the right note," reads the card. And right at this very moment, We Know: The Opera Singer is going to Miss The Point. Lo, for he is thrilled because the date is a vocal thing. Oh, and also, it is at the Music Academy of the West, where The Opera Singer apparently won a competition in the past. Because that matters exactly Not At All on this show.
Suddenly we are perking up, because it is That Band We All Grew Up With, Boyz II Men. And they are singing "I'll Make Love To You (Like You Want Me To)," rising above the cheesy lyrics with their sweet sweet harmonies. Meanwhile, Brian is informing us that he fell in love during junior high "multiple times" to this song. Dora, also, is reminded of The 7th Grade.
We are still trying to digest this proof that The Prosecutrix is dating The Infantry, when we get the news that said Infantry will be singing "I'll Make Love To You" because why not. And also, none of them can keep a tune except Tazo and The Opera Singer. Except The Opera Singer sounds like Gaston and also, This Viewer's College Boyfriend, the First. He also has no ability to sing pop music, or have a sense of humor, or remember that he is NOT THE CHEF IN THE LITTLE MERMAID. But then this happens:
Boy 2 Man: "Sing 'pour the wiiiiine.'"
Infantry: "Pour the wiiiiiine."
Boy 2 Man: "Holy Shit."
We decide that we like the Boyz II Men, because when the big and unsurprising announcement comes that The Infantry are singing Before A Live Audience, one Boy tells the Infantry that they sound "special." And a second Boy says, "They'll be memorable. I've got a few memories already." And yet a Third Boy says that If this is the group Andi is picking from, "she should leave by herself." BOY 2 MAN, FOR THE WIN.
Blah blah, they sing, and the crowd loves their terribleness. We suppose this is supposed to be awesome and funny, but we are Taking Issue with the fact that ABC has Dressed The Infantry like the cast of The Best Movie Ever Written, Pitch Perfect. No One shall mimic that perfection.
The dinner portion of this date is otherwise uninteresting, except for the fact that The Prosecutrix is wearing hot pink gym shorts as a dress. Look it up on the Interwebs, Gentle Readers; it can be done and There Are Tutorials. Otherwise, The Opera Singer is wearing a Sheepskin Kitty Jacket, Dora needs reassurance from The Prosecutrix, and The Prosecutrix accuses Mackledouche of having a girlfriend "as a joke." Which is not funny. Mackledouche claims he has been single for three years. Which is also not believable.
Everyman gets the rose on this date after he kisses The Prosecutrix while grunting "uhhhhh uhhhh uhhhhh." End scene.
Last but not least, we have date #3, with JJ the Pantspraneur. "Love is timeless, heart, Andi." reads the card. And Gentle Readers, they are going to "Grow Old Together" with the help of some makeup that is aptly titled, "Old Age."
So JJ is REALLY excited for this date. We are less excited, as we watch "the transformation" on a speed loop and The Prosecutrix laughs about her sun spots. "You look great! I look like a Creep Uncle!" says JJ, For Everyone. And then we must suffer through about 10 minutes of The Prosecutrix and JJ playing in the park as Old People, and also riding scooters, sitting on benches, eating butterscotch, and finally, riding the Carousel.
"I Feel like this is really what it's like to grow old together!" says The Prosecutrix.
No, no it is not. THIS is what it is like:
KLo's Grandma: "I have all these stories to tell, but all my friends who know these people are dead."
KLo's Grandpa: "Well, you can tell me."
We want to like JJ, but we are Struggling Mightily because he is talking incessantly about himself over dinner (now as a young person again). Oh, he was a nerd! Oh! He is Quirky! Oh! He was fearful that she would not enjoy him! He is so glad she sees him for who he is!" Andi is making soothing and clucking noises from the corner of the table, in Michelle Dugger's wedding dress (on the top). This Viewer's Husband, who is neither soothing nor clucking, comments across This Viewer's table that the date "sounds like a therapy session."
The Pantspraneur gets the rose. Even though his longest relationship was 14 months, and it ended because they were competing with each other to see who could get more friends, do better in school, etc.
Meanwhile, back at the house, Seriousness Is Afoot because Ron has received a phone call telling him that a close friend has died. He leaves immediately, with very little fanfare. We feel bad for Ron. We also feel a little bit bad for the Accountant, Dylan, who tells McConaughey that he would like to tell The Prosecutrix the story of his life privately on a date, instead of publicly at a rose ceremony. And then he proceeds to tell the whole story, including two siblings who died of drug overdoses, publicly to All Of Us.
One hard edit later, and we are at the Rose Ceremony. The Prosecutrix is again in hot pink, this time less objectionable than the Gym Shorts Dress of Horror. Marquel is anxious because he feels that all the men deserve to be there. The Prosecutrix receives flowers from Nick in the middle of 1:1 time with Dora (awkward, but well played, Nick), and then: DRAMA. JJ must "get something off his chest." And that thing is, apparently, that Andr(ew) the scumbag (who We Don't Like -- None of Us) got the hostess's phone # during the group date and then bragged about it to the other men in his limo. JJ informs Everyman of these facts, who bravely tells JJ And All of Us that he "Feels Very Strongly Against That."
And then, right as JJ and E-Man are pulling Andr(ew) aside to confront him with these allegations, THIS VIEWER'S INTERNET DIES. FOR TEN MINUTES. CRISIS. During this crisis, we can only assume that Andr(ew) denied and/or refused to engage a discussion about Said Hostess (because the previews suggested that much). When at last we are able to reconnect to the interwebs, it is in the middle of the roses.
And joining Nick, Everyman, and JJ with roses, she picked:
1. Tazo
2. Mackledouche
3. Ad Man
4. McConaughey
5. Dora
6. Dylan the Accountant
7. Andr(ew) NOOOOOOO.
We later learn that she also picked :
8. Marquel
9. Brian
10. Marcus
Brett of The Mullet and The Opera Singer get the axe! After which, we hear more from Brett than we have in three weeks, when he tells us that he "put himself out there" but his shyness took over. We feel bad for him, and forgive his mullet a little. But we do not feel as kind towards The Opera Singer, who cries that he "loves to be loved. And loves TO love." And though he, too, "put himself out there." It was "Not Enough."
We feel tired.
Stay tuned for tomorrow, because This Viewer Has To and therefore So Must All of You.
KLo
The Prosecutrix is thrilled, however, because this Hollowed Day marks her sojourn from L.A. to Santa Barbara, which apparently has "sand, and air, and mountains!" And is also a "different pace" from L.A. We don't care. Moreover, we don't care that Chris Harrison has shown up in his 12 year old son's old suitjacket to tell the men that they will be trekking over to Santa Barbara individually for dates. We are bitter, and tired, and only slightly mollified by the ample sight of McConaughey, who has rapidly replaced Carl as The Hotness on this show, despite his apparent lack of lips.
The first date card has come, and it is for Nick. "Let's ride off into the sunset," it says. This Viewer has long struggled with Nick, who reminds This Viewer (work with us here) almost precisely of the newscaster on the Michael Keaton Batman, during the days in which he is forced to go make-up free or risk gruesome distortion at the hands of The Joker. When we lean closer to our screen, we can can almost hear him whisper, "My my my my my, my my joker face," perjuring L. Gaga with impunity. Except there is no name for that character and we are not feeling inventive. And so we still call him Nick. Sigh.
ANYWAY, they are meeting on a dock to ride bikes. This Viewer recently started riding a bike again, and we are here to tell you (All Of You) that if things are supposed to Come Back Just Like Riding a Bike, then we can only say that It All Comes Back, including the bit where One Hits a Tree and also That Parked Car. We have been declared A Menace and not allowed out of the neighborhood. Apparently, The Prosecutrix and Nick are much better at riding a bike than This Viewer.
But we are not done with reliving This Viewer's Walk of Shame, because next Nick and Le Prosecutrix go hiking in "Lizard's Mouth" and we immediately become apprehensive because the last time this Viewer went hiking by ourselves, we fell spectacularly while fiddling with our IPhone like an idiot (we wanted to take a picture for The Mister). A fellow hiker, Man In The Blue Shirt, looked behind him at This Viewer, sprawled in all her glory on the rocks, AND KEPT GOING. Chivalry is dead.
Nick is amazed that he is experiencing Feelings, and also Emotions, because he was "skeptical" of the process. But soon he confesses that he has a crush on Andi because she "has a great resume." We die a little inside. But Burning Rage soon takes over because the Prosecutrix is asking Probing Questions: "All your friends are married but you aren't, why is that??"
Really? REALLY? We don't even care if Nick gets the rose (which he does), because we feel so bad for him having to explain why, at 20-whatever or 30-whatever, he dares to be single. We secretly wish he would respond, "same reason you're single, You Old Hag. Your biological clock must be ticking!" But no, instead Nick feels like "this crazy kid might have a shot!" with The Prosecutrix. But we know that he doesn't because he wears his collar popped.
Off we go to date #2, which is a group date for at least the following: Andr(ew), Brian, Marquel, Mackledouche, Mulletted Brett, Tazo, Ron, The Opera Singer, Marcus, Dora, Everyman, and probably some we've missed. "Let's start things off on the right note," reads the card. And right at this very moment, We Know: The Opera Singer is going to Miss The Point. Lo, for he is thrilled because the date is a vocal thing. Oh, and also, it is at the Music Academy of the West, where The Opera Singer apparently won a competition in the past. Because that matters exactly Not At All on this show.
Suddenly we are perking up, because it is That Band We All Grew Up With, Boyz II Men. And they are singing "I'll Make Love To You (Like You Want Me To)," rising above the cheesy lyrics with their sweet sweet harmonies. Meanwhile, Brian is informing us that he fell in love during junior high "multiple times" to this song. Dora, also, is reminded of The 7th Grade.
We are still trying to digest this proof that The Prosecutrix is dating The Infantry, when we get the news that said Infantry will be singing "I'll Make Love To You" because why not. And also, none of them can keep a tune except Tazo and The Opera Singer. Except The Opera Singer sounds like Gaston and also, This Viewer's College Boyfriend, the First. He also has no ability to sing pop music, or have a sense of humor, or remember that he is NOT THE CHEF IN THE LITTLE MERMAID. But then this happens:
Boy 2 Man: "Sing 'pour the wiiiiine.'"
Infantry: "Pour the wiiiiiine."
Boy 2 Man: "Holy Shit."
We decide that we like the Boyz II Men, because when the big and unsurprising announcement comes that The Infantry are singing Before A Live Audience, one Boy tells the Infantry that they sound "special." And a second Boy says, "They'll be memorable. I've got a few memories already." And yet a Third Boy says that If this is the group Andi is picking from, "she should leave by herself." BOY 2 MAN, FOR THE WIN.
Blah blah, they sing, and the crowd loves their terribleness. We suppose this is supposed to be awesome and funny, but we are Taking Issue with the fact that ABC has Dressed The Infantry like the cast of The Best Movie Ever Written, Pitch Perfect. No One shall mimic that perfection.
The dinner portion of this date is otherwise uninteresting, except for the fact that The Prosecutrix is wearing hot pink gym shorts as a dress. Look it up on the Interwebs, Gentle Readers; it can be done and There Are Tutorials. Otherwise, The Opera Singer is wearing a Sheepskin Kitty Jacket, Dora needs reassurance from The Prosecutrix, and The Prosecutrix accuses Mackledouche of having a girlfriend "as a joke." Which is not funny. Mackledouche claims he has been single for three years. Which is also not believable.
Everyman gets the rose on this date after he kisses The Prosecutrix while grunting "uhhhhh uhhhh uhhhhh." End scene.
Last but not least, we have date #3, with JJ the Pantspraneur. "Love is timeless, heart, Andi." reads the card. And Gentle Readers, they are going to "Grow Old Together" with the help of some makeup that is aptly titled, "Old Age."
So JJ is REALLY excited for this date. We are less excited, as we watch "the transformation" on a speed loop and The Prosecutrix laughs about her sun spots. "You look great! I look like a Creep Uncle!" says JJ, For Everyone. And then we must suffer through about 10 minutes of The Prosecutrix and JJ playing in the park as Old People, and also riding scooters, sitting on benches, eating butterscotch, and finally, riding the Carousel.
"I Feel like this is really what it's like to grow old together!" says The Prosecutrix.
No, no it is not. THIS is what it is like:
KLo's Grandma: "I have all these stories to tell, but all my friends who know these people are dead."
KLo's Grandpa: "Well, you can tell me."
We want to like JJ, but we are Struggling Mightily because he is talking incessantly about himself over dinner (now as a young person again). Oh, he was a nerd! Oh! He is Quirky! Oh! He was fearful that she would not enjoy him! He is so glad she sees him for who he is!" Andi is making soothing and clucking noises from the corner of the table, in Michelle Dugger's wedding dress (on the top). This Viewer's Husband, who is neither soothing nor clucking, comments across This Viewer's table that the date "sounds like a therapy session."
The Pantspraneur gets the rose. Even though his longest relationship was 14 months, and it ended because they were competing with each other to see who could get more friends, do better in school, etc.
Meanwhile, back at the house, Seriousness Is Afoot because Ron has received a phone call telling him that a close friend has died. He leaves immediately, with very little fanfare. We feel bad for Ron. We also feel a little bit bad for the Accountant, Dylan, who tells McConaughey that he would like to tell The Prosecutrix the story of his life privately on a date, instead of publicly at a rose ceremony. And then he proceeds to tell the whole story, including two siblings who died of drug overdoses, publicly to All Of Us.
One hard edit later, and we are at the Rose Ceremony. The Prosecutrix is again in hot pink, this time less objectionable than the Gym Shorts Dress of Horror. Marquel is anxious because he feels that all the men deserve to be there. The Prosecutrix receives flowers from Nick in the middle of 1:1 time with Dora (awkward, but well played, Nick), and then: DRAMA. JJ must "get something off his chest." And that thing is, apparently, that Andr(ew) the scumbag (who We Don't Like -- None of Us) got the hostess's phone # during the group date and then bragged about it to the other men in his limo. JJ informs Everyman of these facts, who bravely tells JJ And All of Us that he "Feels Very Strongly Against That."
And then, right as JJ and E-Man are pulling Andr(ew) aside to confront him with these allegations, THIS VIEWER'S INTERNET DIES. FOR TEN MINUTES. CRISIS. During this crisis, we can only assume that Andr(ew) denied and/or refused to engage a discussion about Said Hostess (because the previews suggested that much). When at last we are able to reconnect to the interwebs, it is in the middle of the roses.
And joining Nick, Everyman, and JJ with roses, she picked:
1. Tazo
2. Mackledouche
3. Ad Man
4. McConaughey
5. Dora
6. Dylan the Accountant
7. Andr(ew) NOOOOOOO.
We later learn that she also picked :
8. Marquel
9. Brian
10. Marcus
Brett of The Mullet and The Opera Singer get the axe! After which, we hear more from Brett than we have in three weeks, when he tells us that he "put himself out there" but his shyness took over. We feel bad for him, and forgive his mullet a little. But we do not feel as kind towards The Opera Singer, who cries that he "loves to be loved. And loves TO love." And though he, too, "put himself out there." It was "Not Enough."
We feel tired.
Stay tuned for tomorrow, because This Viewer Has To and therefore So Must All of You.
KLo
posted by KLo @ 8:33 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home