The Prosecutrix Part 9: In Which Our Hearts Are Ripped Out

Babies, we find ourselves in the Dominican Republic for The Prosecutrix Part 9.  But not This Viewer’s version of the DR, where we shared an outhouse and a single 55 gallon drum of Water For All Purposes every week with six other people who actually lived there, but rather Magical ABC Dominican Republic, which consists solely of fancy resorts.   We think of the lady we knew who walked six miles every day to be a maid at a similar resort, and become depressed.   The Prosecutrix is thrilled, however, for it is all so “vibrant” and also, “Romantic!”  She is so excited to get “intimate” with the three remaining men.

And then we must suffer through twenty minutes of retrospective on her three swains, while The Prosecutrix journals in a children’s notebook. We focus on McConaughey and deep breathe.  But all too soon we are ripped away for magical overnight date #1 with Nick. 

“Silence of the lambs is now featured on Netflix,” says ABe.  “Coincidence?”

The Prosecutrix is wearing a tie dye pillowcase and it is terrible.  We then must all watch her undress into a bikini to sunbathe, even though no one else is sunbathing on that particular beach.  We wonder how she likes the sand fleas that are probably biting her, and also, how cold it really is.  Thankfully, she puts on another pillowcase to meet Nick at a helicopter, all the while wondering whether he has Secret Depths because he actually Takes Break Ups Harder than he Lets On.  Lo, for Nick’s family has said that during one break up, he went on A Downward Spiral. 

“Let’s not talk about downward spirals around a helicopter,” recommends KMu.  And also, if the extent of Nick’s Hidden Depths is that he went through a break up One Time At Band Camp, This Viewer is not interested.

So Nick shows up, wearing turquoise shorts of rage.  Blah blah, they fly to another beach, over a seaweed heart in the water.  A HEART IN THE WATER, Gentle Readers.  It is Meant To Be!  We continue to grow tired as The Prosecutrix and Nick kiss everywhere, and then talk deeply and meaningfully about that one break up he had, one time in his “early 20s,” where his EGO was bruised because The Lady broke it off, and he didn’t want to talk to anyone for six whole months thereafter.  We secretly wonder if he listened to a lot of Morrissey and smoked clove cigarettes during this Period of Introspection.

The takeaway here is that Nick wants to tell The Prosecutrix that he loves her, but once again, simply Can’t Find The Opportunity in their entire day together, and therefore is disappointed. We don’t care.

  

But suddenly, we are screaming because it is dinner time, and Nick has shown up in…. hot pink jeans (pegged).  White Keds.  And a grey baseball shirt WITH electric blue sleeves AND a neon yellow collar.

 “Jitterbug….. [badooba] Jitterbug.” Sings KMu.  “Wake me up, before you go, go….”

Over dinner, Nick reveals that he is “quirky” and has a “childlike sense of wonder.”  This is what he says.  About himself.  And also, that he did what “any 33 year old Midwestern guy would do” when he has spare time on his hands, and …… wrote The Prosecutrix A FAIRY TALE.  Which he now proposes to read.   

Two things happen simultaneously at BNU Headquarters.  KMu and This Viewer gasp and scream “IT HAS DRAWINGS.”  And also, This Viewer decides that, Healthy New Leaf Be Damned, we cannot get through the next segment of this show Without Fortification.  We go digging through KMu’s fridge for a beer.   

And Then It Starts:

“Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess named Andi in the kingdom of Atlanta.”

“Who’s the fat king, is what I want to know,” says ABe.

  “Andi was known by many to be known as the most amazingly beautiful princess in all the kingdoms across any land.  Princes and many nobles sought Andi’s hand in marriage. But Andi promised herself that she would wait until she knew she had found true love.  Blah blah the Great King, King Hy (her dad), decides that Andi would embark on an Ancient Quest in search for her one true love.  So, the Great King sent out his love experts all across the lands for suitors who would possibly be Andi’s love.  After thousands were considered, the love experts chose 25 suitors to go on this quest with Andi.  The suitors came from all walks of life.  The Great King Hy said that if any of these suitors finds true love with Andi they would slowly find a place and be worthy to rule the kingdom of Chicago or Atlanta. 

"The quest began in the magical land of Los Angeles. In this land, each suitor had to get out of his horse-drawn carriage to meet her…something about handing out Magic Love Flowers (MAGIC LOVE FLOWERS PEOPLE) if the men were worthy of continuing on this Quest….. Oh, but Nick knew there was something different about this princess.  .. Over the next few weeks… [blah blah insert a bunch of bullshit about their various dates] culminating in the final destination of the Dominican Republic, where fictional Nick pulls out the fantasy suite card to go to the “MAGICAL ROOM.” 

We. Have. No. Words. 

But of course, the Prosecutrix thinks its so romantic!  So she gives him the fantasy suite card and then he pulls her over to some trees to “tell her that he loves her” by not, in fact, using those words but instead telling her that he loves what he knows about her, that she is a serious girl, that she knows what she wants and is “so strong,” ….

Which is why he wrote a bullshit story in which The Prosecutrix was a princess and her dad made all the decisions, until it was time for fictional Nick to invite her to a “magical room.”  

RAGE.

  

 Date #2 is in Santo Domingo, El Capital, with Everyman.   She is wearing another pillowcase, this time from the 1950s, as a top.  He is wearing his shirt open at least two buttons too far.   And then suddenly, and we did not think that this was possible any further In Season Prosecutrix, we are pleasantly surprised.  Because Everyman can speak Spanish.  Legitimately.  We wonder where that came from.  

At any rate, Everyman’s linguistic ability is not enough to save our interest in this date.   Basically, Everyman is all excited to throw The Prosecutrix over his shoulder and run back to Atlanta, leaving the rest behind.  The Prosecutrix, on the other hand, is inexplicably nervous because “obviously, it’s great” being with Everyman, but it’s also “nervewracking.”

So they go shopping.  And also, dance merengue in the street terribly.  She now feels “giddy” and like this date is “exceeding her expectations.”  And then, because this is apparently the only thing she knows how to relate to him on, she takes him to a youth baseball game because “when you are in the Dominican Republic, how can you not play baseball?”

“I was in the DR for three months and I never played baseball,” says ABe.  Preach.

So from the baseball playing, The Prosecutrix concludes that Everyman will be a “great dad.”   They continue in this vein as Everyman looms over her on a park bench and then later, at dinner.  KMu speaks the truth for All Of Us when she says that, despite The Prosecutrix’s commentary regarding their Amazing Chemistry, The Prosecutrix always seems to be physically bracing herself against the onslaught That Is Everyman.  Oh, but he “loves everything about” The Prosecutrix.

“He’s not even 30, for God’s sake,” says ABe.

Over dinner, The Prosecutrix and Everyman have a stimulating conversation about whether she thinks he is “cocky” and how she is “difficult” in relationships, leading This Viewer to an internal mini-rage about women concluding they are “difficult in relationships” when they simply ask for what they want and also, dammit all of our beer is gone. 

They go to the fantasy suite.  They kiss in the pool.  We are uninterested. 

Finally, date #3, the piece de la resistance, arrives with McConaughey.  But uh oh, for we are at Rancho Peligro.

“Danger Ranch?” says KMu.

McConaughey (The Hotness) and The Prosecutrix are going to be riding horses today, even though she (like This Viewer), is terrified of them.  We don’t really understand why she picked this for their date.  However, suddenly, we heart McConaughey more when, after discovering that the date she picked is not, in fact, something The Prosecutrix is comfortable with, he patiently explains how to ride a horse, helps her get onto it, and then calmly tells her how to handle the horse as it starts to move a little faster than she anticipated.  McConaughy, For The Win on a Thousand And One Levels.

We at the BNU watch in silent appreciation as McConaughey rides off into the grassland.  “Is it wrong to say that I’m jealous of the horse?” asks KMu.

McConaughey and The Prosecutrix have a picnic under a shady tree, where they discuss the awesomeness of his family.  He talks about how his family has been so happy and supportive of his effort to find love, even though it’s been difficult for his dad to manage the farm while he is gone.  We are reminded that this is a person who puts food on all of our tables, and also, that We Love Him.   They end the picnic by playing ghosts in the graveyard, where he pulls her behind a bush and gives her a kiss.

“There’s something that’s keeping me into him….” Says The Prosecutrix.

“There’s something keeping you into him? GIRL….” Says KMu, once again For All Of Us.

The Prosecutrix and McConaughey go off to dinner that night at a resort.  She is once again wearing a dress that does not allow her to wear underthings.    

McConaughey attempts to have an adult conversation.  He says that he has thought seriously about what their life would look like together if they would get married, and he sees it.  He tells her that there is a lot of opportunity for a really smart attorney in Iowa, and that they would work together to make the transition easier for her if she decided to choose him.  He then asks her directly how she feels about the “whole Iowa thing” and what is in her gut at this moment. 

And then she starts to cry and in that instant, we hate her.

She says that it would be a struggle to move to Iowa.  [WHY IS THIS ONLY COMING UP WITH MCCONAUGHEY, AS IF SHE IS NOT GOING TO MOVE FOR ANY OF THE OTHER GUYS?  AND ALSO, YOUR LICENSE IS TRANSFERABLE LADY AND IF NOT, TAKE THE F*ING BAR].   

She asks a series of rhetorical questions to which, because he is an adult and also, a Grown Ass Man, McConaughey cautiously asks if she wants him to answer, and then says that he can’t make decisions for her.  All he wanted to do is fall in love with her, which he did, and that he loves every part of her, things that are core to her, and that there is not one thing that he would want to change.  The Prosecutrix then rips all of our hearts out by saying that she wants to “blame it on Iowa” but in reality, she just doesn’t have feelings for him.  And she doesn’t want to make him wait around days for a rose ceremony when she knows this now.

McConaughey sighs and we all feel it.  He then puts an arm around her (because he is SUCH A MAN) and says that he appreciates and respects her for her honesty.  That while he is “incredibly disappointed,” he “gets it.”  When she starts blathering on about how she feels like an idiot for not being able to reciprocate because “look at you” (yes, LOOK AT HIM, you EGIT), he says “why are you questioning your feelings. Your feelings are all you have, at a certain point.”  He tells her he should go. She walks him out.  She begins to apologize again, and, voice breaking, he tells her not to. “I can’t control your feelings.  I want your feelings to be for me. But if they aren’t, then I want to go home.”  Then, THEN he tells her that she is an amazing woman, and that he is lucky enough for her to care so much that she told him now how she was feeling.

As McConaughey then cries in the car, ABe cries her first tear of all the seasons of the Bachelor Ever. 

This Viewer decides that we do not want McConaughey to return as the next Bachelor because he is too good for that, and he deserves his own private love story, better than anything this Viewer could write or imagine.  

Even though we don’t care anymore, then next day is the rose ceremony.  The Prosecutrix is completely fine with her decision to let McConaughey go, and we decide that we are completely fine with her picking whichever of the douchebags she has left because she Made her Own Bed.  And also, her dress “looks like a cape,” supplies ABe.

Chris Harrison announces that McConaughey is no longer here, and the two remaining idiots look giddy.  She offers them roses, the men take them.  Both are excited to meet her family.  Everyman, in particular, is excited to make the Prosecutrix “Andi Murray” because God forbid she decide to keep her own name.

And for once, we look forward to The Men Tell All next week, when we get to see McConaughey one last time and cry on his shoulder (after slipping him ABe’s number).

KLo.