The Prosecutrix Part 7: In Which The Prosecutrix Kills Kenny

This Viewer is once again in the Big City, where we soundly slept through tornado sirens and also, Epic Rain apparently because our trauma from The Bachelorette was More Profound than Nature.  And now we are wearing pinchy shoes and eating oatmeal out of a mug in an empty office.  Yes, this is how the Magic Happens.

So, we are in Brussels for The Prosecutrix Part 7.  We get excited when we see a sign for the best chain restaurant ever, Exki, in the background.  Babies, Exki does not exist in Les Etas-Unis (as this Viewer's Frenches book says), except one experimental restaurant which recently opened in New York.  We know.  Because we have dreams of opening an Exki, and so we Researched This.  Someday, Exki's magical quinoa salad and also, delicious soups, will make their way to a plate near This Viewer once again.  Until then, We Are Jealous of You New York Readers (all of us).  

ANYWAY, much like a reading comprehension test, we know that our observations and love of Exki is not the point of this exercise.  Rather, The Broadening Horizons of The Prosecutrix are, for she is amazed by:  "The Dutch, The Flemish, The French, the Old Historic Buildings, and also The New Modern Buildings" in Brussels.  In other words, the City. 

So, the Prosecutrix is freaked out by the fact that next week is hometown dates.  Erstwhile, Her Suitors are getting acquainted with their fancity hotel.   Chris Harrison decides to ratchet up the pressure:  "Dudes, there are just six of you.  Only four get roses, so this is a big deal.  Just so you know.  And also, did I mention that two of you leave?  And also, there will be two 1:1 dates and one group date, but only one rose given out, on the group date." 

McConaughey is not worried for he has three older sisters and a mother to be his support system, should Things Go Awry. 

Nick, who we all hate With The Fire Of A Thousand Suns, says he feels "very good about where Andi and I are." We hate him, and also his grammar. 

Date card #1 arrives, and it is for Marcus.  Something about a "taste of Brussels."  We are trying to care about Marcus, but he is wearing a hot pink henley and Nicholas Cage hair with weird facial scruff and also, we don't care.  

"What don't we like about him?" queries ABe across the miles. 

"Everything.  It starts with his facial hair." concludes KMu. 

So Marcus and The Prosecutrix wander around Brussels' Grand Place.  And they take photos of themselves with their mouths open.  And also, they eat chocolate (although, it should be noted, that they do NOT eat the Best Belgian Chocolate Ever, Neuhaus).  And then they try mussels, and also, one of those disgusting tourist waffles filled with chocolate and WHIPPY.  This Viewer throws up.  

One time, in this Viewer's pre-law career as A Camp Employee, the chef was thrilled to find some kind of contraption for making the real whipped cream in mass quantities.  Thereafter, all the little outdoor learning groups would select waffles with whipped cream as their breakfast option every time they would come to camp.  300 children.  Three. Times. A. Week.  This Viewer could not escape the Whippy Whiff of three hundred plates piled high with Putrid Piles of Slowly Melting Whippy, no matter where we looked.  It was like being covered in spiders. And also, waxing.  

All of this to say that This Viewer ... just.  cannot.  Especially when Marcus leaves off from the Whippy long enough to tell The Prosecutrix that he almost left the show "because of the emotions I had for you."  

Our sister, SHa, yuuuuurghs from the sofa. 

But The Prosecutrix thinks this is "romantic!" 

And then they go to dinner.  This Viewer has a seizure because two things have happened at once.  First, The Prosecutrix is wearing A Dress with criss-crosses and inner side boob that we cannot draw:    

 (Attempt One): 

Attempt Two: 

We finally conclude that she has Killed Kenny, and smashed him on her chest: 

Simultaneously, the Prosecutrix takes Marcus (and Kenny) to this Viewer's husband's grandmother's house for dinner.  The last time this happened to This Viewer, We ate canolis with a knife and fork on good china while We looked at Death Cards (people die, they send out a card with dead person's photo and life accomplishments -- this Viewer's card would read:  "KLo:  Blogged 10 Years of the Bachelor, Which She Will Never Get Back") for two hours.  This time, we have to hear about how Marcus feels "comfortable, physically and romantically" (WTF) to talk about his family... including the fact that his father abandoned him and his mother, and also, he was beaten as a child by his mother until she realized the error of her ways and now they are close.   

We are a little scarred by Marcus's admissions.  We are even more scarred when The Prosecutrix says that after a few group dates and this one dinner, she now "knows a lot more about Marcus than about other people in my life."  Aaaaand then they kiss, and it is awkward, and guppy-like.  

"This is why ordinary people should never make a sex tape,"commented SHa to This Viewer on the train this morning.  "If a full camera crew and makeup can't make them look good....."

Back at the ranch, Marcus has returned home from his date as Date Card #2 has come, for Everyman.  "Let's Ghent it On."     Sigh.   "I'm not going to complain about this!  Let's get it on!!" says E-Man, because he is uncreative and also, has taken his chiseled chest out to show everyone. 

 Nick decides to take matters into his own hands, as he has not gotten the date card.  So, he tells everyone he's going to bed, and then stalks out to find The Prosecutrix: 

"Tell me about the lambs, Andiiiiii," says KMu.  

"And don't lie, because I'll know."

It is at this point that we become enraged, for Nick has gone down to the front desk, lied to the lady working there about forgetting his room key, and said that the room is under his wife's name, Andi Dorfman, thereby obtaining a new key.  Ladies and gentlemen, this is how women get raped. We hate Nick for thinking this is clever.  We are mad at the desk lady for giving him a key.  We are furious with ABC for filming this at all, thereby implicitly endorsing things that make All Women Everywhere Feel Less Safe.  God knows, if the Supreme Court isn't going to help the women, we better damn well band together to Help Ourselves. 

Rage. 

So after Nick has forever destroyed all the small shreds of peace this Viewer was previously extending to him, he swoops in on The Prosecutrix at her hotel room and whisks her off for a walk around town.  She is now wearing pants, and a "superflous scarf," says KMu.  Nick is all "amazed by his feelings."  And is asking himself, out loud, about whether he will marry her.  They share a creepy kiss over a cafe table. 

"What the F*ck was that?" asks SHa's husband, EGu, looking up from work in time to see Nick make his move. 

And off we go to Ghent for date #2.  The Prosecutrix is wearing yet another scarf. 

"Season of superfluous scarfs," concludes KMu. 

But we are concerned because The Prosecutrix is giving a history lesson.  "Ghent is so beautiful.  It's like, one of the only places that didn't get burned down in World War II...."

"It's crazy, you don't see things like this in the United States!" says Everyman.

"Maybe that's because YOU ARE IN EUROPE, I mean COME ON," says ABe. 

This date is very important to The Prosecutrix, because Everyman has not yet shared his feelings.  So she takes him to church to light candles.  And also, to a castle for dinner. 

"Wow, she wore clothes," says SHa.  "She must really like him." 

As Everyman and The Prosecutrix sit down for dinner, we can't but help notice a fine backdrop of Ye Olde Kitty, upon which they sit.  Oh!   He confesses the difficulty of seeing her go on other dates!  Oh! He says he is falling in love with her!  Oh, she worries if this is "too good to be true!" We are super-annoyed.  And also, bored.  But suddenly, they are kissing. 

"Where are his hands?" wonders SHa.  "We need a show of hands!!"

And then we see at least one of them, caressing The Prosecutrix's knee through her pleather pants.  This Viewer would have dissolved into a fit of giggles, but Not The Prosecutrix.  Oh no, for she pulls Everyman into the stage wing, also known as the corner of the castle, whereby she kisses him in the mist and romantical blue lit dimness, as they hold hands to run off and dance ("in an elder hostel crowd," says KMu) to the smooth song stylings of a misplaced folk duo singing: 

Love is a feather. 

Love is a war. 

In the words of the Immortal Pat Benatar, Love is also A Battlefield.  

  

Off we go to the group date, for which the card reads "This love is sacred." The date is for Nick, Brian, Dylan The Unclean, and McConaughey.  Nick is sure to tell everyone that he is excited never to have to go on another group date again after today.  We are equally excited because this season is rapidly Testing This Viewer's Will To Write, and so every group date down is Another Date Towards Sleeping in On Tuesday Mornings for This Viewer. 

As the men meet The Prosecutrix in "the countryside of Belgium," this Viewer starts laughing.  Lo, for her husband is from That Countryside, and it does not look like the giant ruin of a castle  upon which the group is standing.   We start looking around for what should be the giant pile of sugar beets somewhere in the background, and also, a few cows. 

Dylan the Unclean is amazed by The Country: "Wow, these RUINS really stood the test of time.  I hope that Andi and I's relationship does just like these RUINS."

This Viewer falls off the sofa.   Yes, yes, we all hope your love can stand the test of time just like ruins, Dylan.

The group go to explore the area on "railbikes," which is some sort of weird four bicycle contraption with a seat in the middle for Andi.  Nick is wearing a tablecloth shirt, hipster jeans, a leather jacket, and that damn starving actor scarf.  And he is brooding again about his relationship with The Prosecutrix.

"What do you expect from a dude in an infinity scarf," observes PMu, across the miles. 

True. 

And then it gets worse, for the group decides to play a "rhyming game" to pass the time.  

Nick: "OMG, look at these trees!"

Brian:  "I hope I don't have fleas."

Andi:  "I wish you would hurry up please.'

Someone:  "I wish I had car keys."

We start to cry.

Surprise, The Prosecutrix takes them to a monastery, which is completely gorgeous, except (crisis) there can be no kissing betwixt its walls.  Says The Prosecutrix:  "This is a working monastery.  These monks study religion, and theology, and history...."

"And also, brew beer," whispers This Viewer. 

SHa, more charitable than This Viewer, comments that this would actually be a very pretty setting for romance, if there were any on this show. 

Fortunately, McConaughey to the rescue.  The Prosecutrix whisks him away to an abandoned pottery studio on the grounds, whereby they re-enact scenes from ghost.  Whoooooaaaaa, my darling, I hunger. for. your. touch.

The rest of this date is too boring to recount, so we shall summarize:  Nick is over-confident and knows he is going to get the rose.  Brian tells Andi that he has never told anyone that he loves them and now he is telling her (oh dear, Certain Death for Brian).  Dylan can't wait for The Prosecutrix to meet his mother.  Nick, again, says that if anyone else gets the rose but him, he will just leave.  

And he gets the rose.  DAMMIT.  He says getting the rose is like The Prosecutrix just told him she loves him. Worse still, the other men have to leave now, and Nick gets to continue the date.  The others are broken.  We feel broken, but also interested in the dress which The Prosecutrix has now changed into for dinner.

"I feel that Michael Jackson wore that once... or twice," says SHa. 

Nick is back in his infinity scarf, and is now asking her what she prefers:  PB or jelly (PB), Hot or Cold (hot), waffles or pancakes (pancakes), Big or small (we have no words).  And also, he informs her that he will be harder on his daughter than on his son, if they were to have children. cough*justliketheSupremeCourt*siderage*cough.   

The date ends in a fireworks display. 

Nick feels that The Prosecutrix is his "better half."  

The Prosecutrix feels that "Nick sees me, every part of me." 

"That's because your dress is cut down to The Netherlands," says SHa. 

So blah blah there is A LOT of rage that the men feel towards Nick, so we all must endure at least 15 minutes in which the other men attack him for being a schemer and strategist instead of "trying to fall in love like the rest of us," concludes McConaughey.  They are, apparently, horrified also because Nick watched all of the seasons of this show before coming on it.  We cannot throw stones. 

At last the rose ceremony is upon us, and we gasp when we see The Prosecutrix for Liza Minelli has called and she Wants Her Dress Back.  Blah Blah McConaughey is sweet, Dylan The Unclean says he's stoked because if he proceeds to the next round, it means she can "legit" see him proposing to her (he is so dead), Nick steals The Prosecutrix away from Brian during 1:1 time (jerk), and then McConaughey steals her AGAIN for a big romantic kiss outside. 

"You go Farmer!," says The Prosecutrix, For All Of Us. 

And at last, to join Nick with roses, The Prosecutrix picks: 

1.  Everyman. 

2.  Marcus, aaaaand

3. McConaughey

Dylan the Unclean and Brian go home.  We feel bad for Brian, who says that if The Prosecutrix does not end up with the man she deserves, he will be furious.  We hope Dylan washes his hands.  

Stay tuned for next week, which are the Home Dates. 

KLo