The Prosecutrix Part 6: In Which Dylan Fails A Test (Well, Several)

The Prosecutrix has taken us to Italy for the Prosecutrix Part 6, and we have The Mixed Feelings.   On one hand, we love the gently sighing beauty of Venice, similar to a great-grandmother or alternatively, a very old drag queen who has been around Since Christ Was A Child.   On the other hand, the necessity of water travel is generally guaranteed to give This Viewer vertigo, so that we spend the next three months running into walls.  

Which is only slightly different than our desire to beat our head against a wall when we learn that Nick has the first date, and also, he is wearing a Struggling Actor Scarf, and ALSO, he is A Dirtbag.  "I know my decision to pick Nick didn't make sense, but this is my journey to love."  says the Prosecutrix.   

And then this happens: 

Nick: "Wow.  We're in Venice." 

Le Prosecutrix: "This is so pretty."

Nick:  "I can't believe we are in Venice." 

Le Prosecutrix: "It's so romantic."

Le Prosecutrix:  "Not a bad first date in Venice."

Nick: "No."

Nick:  "We're in Venice."

When this Viewer was a freshperson in college, we told a senior sitting at the lunch table with all his senior friends, "Wow, you really look like Buddy Holly.  Did anyone ever tell you that you look like Buddy Holly?  Because you really do, you look like Buddy Holly."  And then we fled the scene.  

We now wish we could flee this scene, as we watch in fascinated horror while Nick and The Prosecutrix buy pizza, and then take lots of pictures of themselves covered in pigeons.  

KMu starts screaming about rats of the sky.  

Meanwhile, back at a very fancy hotel, Mackledouche is going through therapy with McConoughey.  Lo, for Mackledouche is the only man left who has not gotten a 1:1 date, and he is beginning to feel like the "pet dog" of the group.  We are beginning to wonder if Mackledouche is not a Renaissance Man whose renaissance has stalled in the 1980s, for he is a foodie who seems well liked by everyone, but who is also wearing a tiny tank top and enormous tennis shoes. 

But before we can reach a decision regarding Mackledouche, we are flashed back to the date, with the Prosecutrix and Nick looking at Venetian masks and then riding around in a gondola while The Prosecutrix wonders aloud if Nick is really "cocky and arrogant, or just misunderstood."  Ah yes, the question every woman asks when trying to justify to herself that she is dating an asshole.  

They talk about the last rose ceremony and the group date where Nick should have won a non-participation prize.  He says he will "do better" in group date settings. As the Prosecutrix says she feels appreciative of his apology, we hear muffled protests from ABe, who is back from Uganda (where she was not greeted by an African Childrens' Choir singing African music upon arrival).   Lo, for Nick is pretending to apologize, and The Prosecutrix appears to be accepting it.  

Bah blah, soon The Prosecutrix and Nick are kissing underneath various bridges, and Nick is now thinking he is clever because he is reading a message printed in the gondola and saying the following: 

"It says 'Don't fall in love with the most beautiful woman in the world.  Fall in love with the woman who makes the world more beautiful.'  That's how I feel about you, Andi." 

Says Every Man who has ridden in this Gondola, Everywhere.  

Then it is time for dinner.  The Prosecutrix is wearing this, in gold and black: 

We gasp, but the bigger story is that Nick is now full-on "Hello, Clarice."   Looking through his eyebrows at the camera, he informs Us All that: 

1.  "I am comfortable with mine and Andi's connection." [we say a prayer for grammar]

2.  "I am definitely falling. In love. With her." 

We are completely creeped out. 

The Prosecutrix, on the other hand, is delighted.  She is floating in a gondola towards dinner at a magical place, and she has chosen to wear A Domino, a/k/a a mask.  

Stop The Presses.  As a Proud Purveyor of Trashy Romances Set Approximately in 1815, This Viewer has read more than a few chapters in which Our Hero and Heroine meet at a Masquerade wearing Dominos.  He, mysterious and tall with an aquiline nose and also, Inherent Grace; She, only recognizable by the slant of her Bewitching Violet Eyes.   And none of them, NONE OF THEM, begin with Our Heroine floating on a boat towards Some Dude  who is NOT wearing a Domino and who just took off his Struggling Actor Scarf long enough to put on a tux.  And also, if ABC is going to start pretending this show is the embodiment of Trashy Novels, we expect the next season to include at least one of the following: 

a.  A race to Gretna Green 

b.  A crisis wherein one or both members of the couple feels themselves unworthy of marriage because severe headaches, a war injury, faulty hips, a dead relative, OR a pirate keep them from having children; 

c.  An elicit tryst on someone's mother's sofa during a home date. 

ANYWAY, The Prosecutrix is swept away by Nick, who she thinks looks 'like a prince' in his tux.  In a very long speech, he confesses his feelings for her, making her feel completely fine and comforted because he "doesn't like the word frontrunner" and doesn't like to think of himself in that way, even though he is "confident in their connection."  We are screaming as he gets the rose, and then screaming for different reasons when The Prosecutrix announces that they are going to a masquerade ball next. No. No. NO. NO.   But then she gives him this domino to wear, which she stole from the Ice Capades: 

Remember him, Gentle readers? 

They dance and kiss awkwardly outside, by themselves, to a string quartet as this date ends.  DAMMIT. 

Back at the hotel, date card #2 has come for:  Everyman, Brian, Dylan, Marcus, JJ, and McConoughey.  "I'm looking for True Love," it says.  Mackledouche is excited because this means he has the last 1:1 date this week.  We grow worried. 

So the group date, which is now in Monselice, Italy, starts with a bang when The Prosecutrix receives *another* note from her Secret Admirer.  We admire the ingenuity of this person and cannot believe that, in 20 million seasons of the show, no one else has thought about Sustained Secret Admiredom until now.  Except the note reads, "Every waking moment, I am dying to see you again..... We are on the cusp of love, etc...."

"No dude wrote that," concludes ABe.  

The Prosecutrix is thrilled, equally because of the note and because she intends to find out who the Secret Admirer is through the administration of a LIE DETECTOR TEST to this group.  Like a sixth grade girls' slumber party in which the girls all decide to tell each other what they really think about the others, this is only going to end badly.  

Everyman is freaking out.  Talking a mile a minute, E-man insists that if you trust everyone, why administer a test?  He demands to know how "correct these things are?"  and proceeds to complain to everyone around him, including Us At the BNU, that he is bothered by this.   We are getting tired of Everyman, who seems to be fairly high-strung and also, A Bit Jealous-Boyfriendy.  Be that as it may, we must go through this together, so Onward: 

Andi first takes the lie detector test, in which a man with a heavy Italian accent asks such questions as "Do you think all the guys are here for the right reasons?" and "Are you falling in love," and also, "is your husband here?"   

The men go next. Questions include:  

"Do you prefer blondes to brunettes?"

"Are you good in bed?" 

We at the BNU discuss questions that would be on our lie detector test for this show:

"Do you like to wear high heels?" offers ABe.

"Do you have a crush on any other man in the house?" she proposes. 

KMu agrees that these questions would have come in handy in past years.  

But then this happens: 

"Have you slept with over 20 women?" -- To which 26 year old Dylan says YES. 

"Do you wash your hands after going to the bathroom?" - To which Dylan says NO. 

ABe falls off the sofa.  

KMu concludes that Dylan's new name is "Dylan, The Unclean." 

Even this Viewer must concede that Dylan has failed in one of This Viewer's two requirements for a boyfriend:  (1) Presence and (2) Cleanliness.  On several levels. 

We are horrified when, after taking the lie detector test, Dylan The Unclean immediately goes outside and holds Andi's hand. He also wants her to know that "he will be there for her."  Yes, like he has BEEN THERE FOR 20 OTHER WOMEN ALREADY.  

The news on this date is that McConaughey is the secret admirer!  Oh happy day!  He is worried that he is going to have to tell The Prosecutrix this in the middle of a pack of guys when they get their lie detector tests back, but in a dramatic turn of events, The Prosecutrix rips the results up (after learning that several men lied, as did she, during the test). 

"She needs to know that Dylan doesn't wash his hands," says ABe.  

Off we go to the cocktail party, where Brian administers his own "lie detector test," including a rather inartful though sweet "do you wanna make out?"  Marcus, in his own 1:1 time, is creepy and confesses love.  But then Everyman makes it worse for himself by becoming combative about the lie detector test and its purpose, demanding to know if The Prosecutrix trusts him, and continuing to talk himself into a hole.   This, in turn, proceeds to make the Prosecutrix become very uncomfortable and doubt his truthfulness.  

 

In the words of This Viewer with her choreographer hat on:  Take the note, Everyman.  Take the damn note, and sit down. 

In the end, McConaughey gets the rose on this date after swooping in and making The Prosecutrix feel better following her weird encounter with Everyman.  He also confesses that he is the Secret Admirer, and they share a kiss which Is Not Gross.  Go go McConaughey!!!!  Oh, but the moment is immediately ruined when, after the other men congratulate McConaughey on the rose, J.J. throws a tantrum about he's getting sick of the other guys being collegial about this, and that he 's not okay congratulating someone on getting a rose because it means the rest of them are at risk. 

J. J. is an asshat.  As McConaughey appropriately puts it, "What's the alternative [to being polite], J.J."

And now, because this is long and we are going to be late for work, we conclude with date #3 in Verona.... to which The Prosecutrix is wearing a turtleneck and a SKORT.  

"I had a most awesome green corduroy skort," comments This Viewer. 

"When you were a child, right?" says KMu. 

"Um no, in college," whispers This Viewer. 

But beyond our own fashion tragedies, we have Mackledouche to worry about.  He has completely gone apeshit with the excessive displays of love:  "I'm gonna be your Romeo.  YO Juliet!!"  Other than that, this date would actually be completely awesome, as Mackledouche and The Prosecutrix go to the Club de Guilietta, which is an organization tasks with answering letters from lovelorn people writing to Juliet from around the world.  And they answer some letters.  Oh. My. Gosh.  We need this job, which we are pretty sure is This Viewer's Calling.  

So the big surprise here is that Mackledouche can both read and write.  And also, he can write a pretty decent letter.  We are almost to the point of feeling that we misjudged him, when he shows up for dinner wearing this: 

We don't even care that The Prosecutrix is literally not even wearing pants for dinner.  Because, upon seeing this outfit from Mackledouche, we at the BNU have the same reactions: 

"The date would be over for me at this point," says ABe.  And,

"His breasts are falling out of that top," concludes KMu. "Have you seen those personal injury lawyer advertisements for Gynecomastia? Yeah, I am pretty sure Machledouche has that." 

The BNU team takes a rather lengthy break in which we watch youtube videos of personal injury advertisements.  And also, investigate Gynecomastia, which is apparently a drug side effect in which men grow female breasts. 

 When this Viewer was in law school, we had to present recent cases of import at the law firm where we were clerking.  And one of those cases was about a man who injured his finger when, during a visit to a strip club, he was bodily hoisted by a stripper, who then lost her balance causing both of them to fall, injuring the man's hand.   We had secretly concluded, at the time, that when one injures one's hand in a Stripper Incident, it is better to just suffer stoically and privately, rather than literally making a case about it. We feel the same way about Gynecomastia, and also, Mackledouche's Situation, or whatever one wants to call it. 

But we digress. 

Over dinner, Mackledouche is effusive.  He tells the Prosecutrix that he wants to take her home, and be around her all the time, and and and he wrote a love letter to her, and oh! let him read it!  (it is actually sweet).  But the entire time, Mackledouche is not picking up the hint because The Prosecutrix is crying and looking sour.  Finally, she cuts in and tells him she can't give him the rose.  He  is crushed, but handles it well.  However, we agree with KMu that the entire scene was like hitting a puppy between the eyes with a bb gun.  Mackledouche goes home. 

At last, it is the rose ceremony.  Nick immediately steals The Prosecutrix away as soon as she arrives, which McConaughey observes to be "an arrogant move" because Nick already has a rose.  Unfortunately, The Prosecutrix feels that Nick is being "a real man" by "barely making it around the corner before he kisses her."  WTF.  Blah blah other 1:1 times ensue, which include yet another written speech from another dude (Brian), and more spazzing out by Everyman about the lie detector test.  

Finally, finally, The Prosecutrix picks her guys.  Joining Nick and McConaughey with roses, she picks: 

1.  Dylan, The Unclean

2.  Brian

3.  Marcus, aaaaaand.

4.  Everyman.  

J.J goes home.  We are relieved. 

Stay tuned for next week, when The Bachelorette continues the series "KLo, This Is Your Travel Life," with a visit to Brussels, Belgium.  And also, the Prosecutrix is stalked by two increasingly creepy guys, Nick and Everyman. 

-Peace.