The Prosecutrix Part 8: After Which We All Move to Iowa

Three months ago, this Viewer decided to engage in a Battle To The Death against the fat albino-dom of law. And so we took up running.  And by "running," we mean "gasping for air as we parade at a slightly-faster-than-sedentary pace around all the goose nuggets in the street while Justin Timberlake demands that We Bring Sexy Back."  We made good progress, and even Fit Our Pants (our Real Pants, not the post-pregnancy pants our sister gave us after having a baby because they were too big for her but fit This Viewer just right).  And then, we had a Fourth of July Setback.  And so now, This Viewer has given up The Alcohol for two weeks ON TOP OF the running.  We Shall Not Survive. 

All this to say, as we plunge headfirst into Milwaukee, WI and a home date with Nick, that it is A Bitter Pill to watch this show Stone Cold Sober.  And also, Nick looks like a skeevy modern dance boy, as if *at any moment* he's going to slip off his shoes and Show Us All some "ooey-gooey movement."  We hate him. 

So blah blah, The Prosecutrix (in a pink scarf), and Nick (in a blue scarf) meet at the Milwaukee Public Market and then to the "Riverwalk," consisting of A Bridge over murky water in which Three Geezers Are Going Fishing in a pontoon boat laden down by beer. Ah, Milwaukee.  Oh!  but "The way I love Andi is different from how I love anyone else!," says Nick.  And soon we get to see, for he has taken The Prosecutrix to a brewery, where he has created his own beer entitled:  "Nick & Andy:  The Perfect Brew."  We think of all the beer labels we would make right now...

"The BNU:  Where Your Fitness Dreams Fail"

"The BNU:  Put on Some Pants, and Also, Drink This"

We sigh.  And then doubly sigh when Polka music starts playing in the bar, and Nick forces The Prosecutrix to dance with him.  And it is terrible. 

However, we have no time to digest because suddenly we are in Waukesha, and The Prosecutrix is meeting Nick's parents, and nine other siblings, and all of their spouses.  We cannot look away from the twenty or so photographs unimaginatively hung in straight lines on the wall, one of each child as a baby, and one as an adult.  ABC has otherwise given up on even trying to film this scene, as we see a few questions being asked with no answers filmed, and then a single 1:1 time with An Older Sister who has completely forgotten her pants, and also sleeves, but inexplicably, is wearing a giant scarf.   

"Maybe she just threw her skirt around her neck," muses KMu.

Sister:  "Do you feel like you can be you, unapologetically, around Andi?"

Nick:  " She makes me smile!" 

Sister:  "I'm having a hard time understanding the level of your connection." 

ABe [channeling Nick]:  "Why I want to rip off her skin and sew something?"

Kmu:  "What are we having for dinner?  Fava beans?"

Soon we are treated to 1:1 time with Nick and his mother. When this Viewer was a child, we became fascinated by the National Geographic photos of women with their neck rings: 

And so we cannot now look away from Nick's mother, who has created the midwestern version of The Neck Ring with strands upon strands of pearls.  Otherwise, we like her, especially when she warns Nick that he should be prepared to go home.  To which he responds:  "Oh Mom, I think I am the favorite." W.T.F.

As Nick kisses The Prosecutrix goodbye, he says that he will "never have enough of Andi.  I am pretty sure she knows I love her, but I didn't have enough time to tell her."  And also, he "thinks of her as my girl."  We become depressed. 

Thank God for McConaughey and Date #2 in Arlington, IA, population 758.  He says he loves his town, and that if The Prosecutrix is even "remotely excited" about the prospect of Iowa, he will be excited.  This Viewer loves us some Iowa, which has inexplicably taken the place of Southern Ohio in this Viewer's "I Have Never Lived Here but Could Happily" states.  And also, we sometimes secretly dream about buying a house in the middle of A Remote and Tiny Location Surrounded by Farmland after we win the lottery and Learn How to Can Things.  Sometimes, we think this is because we mostly want people to Leave. Us. the F. Alone.  But right in this moment, we choose to believe it is because we want McConaughey to know that People Exist Like This Viewer. 

More importantly:  "He is HOT" says The Prosecutrix, for All of Us.  As McConaughey shows us all around his house, we love him more because he is a "Grown. Ass. Man." with a house instead of an apartment, and also, a red toaster oven.  However, we become concerned that The Prosecutrix cannot appreciate McConaughey's greatness, as she spazzes that the crops are "his back yard!! I am standing in his back yard!!!"  And then this happens: 

The Prosecutrix: "He's the epitome of a man.  The way he is driving that tractor, plowing down those fields."

ABe:  "What's that song from Spinal Tap? ... 

Oh, here we go, 'Sex Farm:'  Ahem: 

'Working on a sex farm,

Trying to raise some hard love,

Getting out my pitch fork,

Poking your hay."

We have no words. 

Up they go into his tractor, where The Prosecutrix sits in McConaughey's lap to drive, for All of Us.  They stop to have a picnic in the middle of the field and talk about his family, and her options for work.  He says that he wants her to be happy, no matter what, and observes that if she's not happy with the lifestyle that she is living with him, then she won't be happy with him.  Which we think is rather remarkably observant.  And then he begins, "There is an opportunity to be a homemaker..." but cannot keep a straight face, for which we are relieved.  Though A Noble Profession, it should be The Prosecutrix's choice whether to stay at home or not.  And then, THEN, we discover that McConaughey has arranged for a crop duster to fly past with a sign saying "Chris Loves Andi" and we are pretty sure that we are going to die because McConaughey is the only person who has been consistently Romantical in this entire season.  They kiss and it is Not Gross. 

Just in case our hearts have any more room, we go to dinner with McConaughey's family and fall in love with all of them too.  Andi is prodding McConaughey to tell the "story" of the plane flying over them, and so she begins:  "And while we were sitting there...."

"You let one go?" says A Family Member to McConaughey.  Ha ha.  And also, hahaha. 

A Sister then reveals that when McConaughey was a little guy "he would only wear underwear on schooldays.  He went commando on the weekends." 

We learn later, during the credits, that the last time McConaughey brought a lady home, all the men wore lipstick to meet her, just to see what McConaughey would do and how the Lady would take it.

We love this family. 

And then, THEN, mom Linda establishes A Place In This Viewer's Heart and Dining Room any Time She Wants It by telling The Prosecutrix, on no uncertain terms, that she can make life work wherever she chooses.  That she grew up in the city and had never even driven a tractor, but when she met McConaughey's father, her heart would just stop.  And so she moved out to the country, and raised a family, and learned how to do all these things.  But that The Prosecutrix needn't feel concerned or tied to that lifestyle because the world is smaller now, and she can do Whatever She Wants.  

Linda. For. President. 

This date ends with a game of Ghosts in the Graveyard played with the family.  Which is completely awesome because we love a family that Makes Their Own Fun.  As McConaughey kisses The Prosecutrix goodbye and "hopes like crazy that she feels the way he does," we hope so to or else We At The BNU are Gonna Cutta Bitch.

Soon, we are at date #3, in Tampa, FL with Everyman.  We are immediately exhausted by his rapidfire monologue about how excited, nay, "Pumped," he is to see her.  And then, the entire BNU staff immediately begin screaming because The Prosecutrix has Exited the Limo and she is wearing.....

"Salmon Booty Shorts of Rage," concludes KMu, after we have all calmed down.  

Everyman takes The Prosecutrix to play baseball, and we immediately get so. SO. tired.  He begins to talk about how it is tough for him to pick up a bat, to be there and play ball, because of all his memories.  And then we hear the same story AGAIN about how he used to be a ball player for five years, beginning at age 17, etc.  And you know, on the one hand, This Viewer gets it.  It is really painful to let go of things that you thought were going to be your life's work but then lost the ability to do.  At the same time, it is not like Everyman *can't* play baseball any more; he chose not to because he didn't like the lifestyle (so he says).  And so at that point, this Viewer wants to say that until Everyman goes from playing baseball to teaching himself how to walk again, he can damn well suck it.   

At any rate, we try to care that Everyman hasn't taken anyone other than his family (and now, The Prosecutrix) to "his field."  And then talks about sports some more.  And then about his brother, Aaron, who is trying out for the NFL draft.  

Off we go to meet Everyman's family, which basically all looks exactly like The Prosecutrix. We become  little freaked out.  They talk about football.  And about the draft.  Super-young-and-fit-looking mom informs The Prosecutrix that she expects Everyman will go to all his brother's football games, wherever they are played.  Super-young-and-fit-looking dad with perfect salt and pepper hair basically says that will be an expectation of The Prosecutrix as well.  The Prosecutrix wonders aloud if Everyman's family understands that if she ends up with him, they will be making their own family too.  Sister Stephanie, the Khloe Kardashian of the group, makes some fairly practical comments about compromise.  And finally, Everyman confesses to mom (wtf is she wearing, by the way, a linen teddy?), that The Prosecutrix is "a real woman in every sense of the word," and mom says confidently that her son is in love.  They end the date playing.... touch football in the back yard. 

Finally, we depart for date #4 in Dallas with Marcus.  We are struck by two things:  (1) dude is driving a mercedes.  Where did that come from? and also (2) The Prosecutrix is worried that she can't "catch up" to where Marcus is in this whole love story.  Uh oh.  And then we forget to keep writing because we realize that Marcus has driven The Prosecutrix to A STRIP CLUB where he is going to give her A PRIVATE SHOW. 

When this Viewer was in college, there was a particular gentleman who, for whatever reason, felt passionately towards this Viewer and for whom we could neither Return His Affection Nor Take Him Seriously.   This Viewer feels at liberty to admit such things only because the shoe has been on the other foot many a time.  In any event, Would-be Swain made many an attempt to woo this Viewer. One of the more unfortunate attempts included Slipping a series of sultry shirtless selfies taken on A Kitty into a pack of otherwise unremarkable photos about his hometown, which he proposed to show This Viewer late one night in the prayer room (This Viewer is Not Making It Up).   This Viewer may have snorted, which we are pretty sure that was not Swain's Goal. 

So this is how we feel about the private strip tease.  May be the start of a lasting passion in a romance novel.  However, in real life, it is an amateur glamor shot sprung on A Lady in the prayer room. Or in this case, an empty STRIP CLUB.  "It's every girl's dream," concludes The Prosecutrix. 

We don't see much of the family time on this date.  Marcus's mom reveals that she is surprised he has opened up to The Prosecutrix, because he is a relatively private person.  We become concerned for him.  And then a little teary because Marcus tells his brother how much he appreciated everything that the brother did to keep the family together after his dad left.  The Prosectrix, for her part, says that life would be a "fairy tale" with Marcus.  And her suitor comments that he has opened up to her "Physically, emotionally, and mentally." 

ABe:  "How do you open yourself up physically?"

KMu:  "Do we really need to have That Talk right now, ABe?"

And just like that, date #4 is over.  But, because we are All That Tacky, ABC decides to film Some Bad News.  As we learned at the beginning of the season, Dora died in a hang gliding accident after filming his episodes of the show.  And so now we get to all watch Chris Harrison call the remaining contestants back to "his house" (more like "his rental house") and break the news.  There are tears, with Everyman and McConaughey sitting stoically on the sofa.  And then the crew set down their cameras (still filming), and everyone hugs it out.  Basically, we learn that (1) this show is filmed by hobbits, and (2) those who are not hobbits, think that leggings are pants.  

The next morning, we apparently have the Rose Ceremony.  The Prosecutrix is wearing a seagreen, full-length tubesock.  She breaks down several times over Dora.  Nick is dressed like he just left a barbershop quartet.  McConaughey is The Hotness.  Everyman is... every man.  And The Prosecutrix picks (after more tears and a reminder from The Harrison that she "doesn't need to be strong for everyone"): 

1.  Everyman.

2. McConaughey.  YEEEEEEEES. 

3.  Nick.  Dammit. 

Marcus leaves in tears.  He wishes that he hadn't told The Prosecutrix that he loved her.  We wish that was  not the lesson he was taking from this experience.  He says that The Prosecutrix was his "Everything."  We whisper to Marcus that he is 25 years old, and that when This Viewer was 25 years old, her Everything was an unemployed actor, followed shortly thereafter by The Guy With the Long Hair Who Came to Fix The High Ropes Course, and that it will all work out in the end.  

Stay tuned for next week, when we all take a trip back to La Republica Dominicana, where this Viewer spent part of college.  

KLo