The Prosecutrix Part Men Tell All: In Which The Bachelor Reaches A New Low.

"There is an ultrasound technician here tonight.  That is all you need to say," announces KMu after the first 30 seconds of The Men Tell All, sending This Viewer and ABe scrambling for the wine.  It's going to be a Shit Show, babies, and we must form a Pinot bridge over those particular waters.

Sure enough, The Dentist and J.P. come out, from the Bachelorette Part Dentist.   He is still endearing.  She is still terrifying.  And also, she is six months pregnant.  ABC scans the “live viewing audience” for their reactions, and we discover that Edie Brickell is in the audience.  She is not aware, of too many things, she knows what she knows, if you know what we mean, gentle readers. 

So, The Dentist and JP are moving to Miami because of The Polar Vortex, and more importantly, let’s all gather around because they have agreed to do a LIVE ULTRASOUND ON THE NATIONAL TELEVISION TO DISCOVER THE SEX OF THE BABY.

Because why not share that special moment with 3 million of your closest friends.  This is how we feel (All of Us):

It is a boy.

But we at the BNU are now silent, and not simply because we have been drinking heavily.  “Just when I thought this show could not get any worse, it reaches a new low,” says KMu for All Of Us.  ABe keeps  muttering something about “not on television” and also “jesus.”

After The Dentist and JP depart, we are next treated to a preview of The Bachelor in Paradise, starting August 4.  As with The Bachelor Pad, we anticipate watching exactly 1/2 of the first episode before concluding that we Just. CanNot.  Needless to say, This Viewer will not be blogging that show.

At last, we are “confronted to the men,” as this Viewer’s husband likes to say.  Oooh, welcome back to Carl (The Hotness), Brett and his rattail, Andrew (whom we hate.  All. Of. Us.).  Patrick.  The Opera Singer (who we recently learned went to school with our intrepid reader KHu, and also, he was a tool even then).   Ron.  Drunk Craig.  Nick the pro golfer.  Tazo.  The Pantspraneur.  Marquel.  Mackledouche.  Dylan The Unclean.  Brian.  Marcus.   Aaaaaaand McConaughey.   And they are all wearing scarves, in the style of Nick.  We start laughing in spite of ourselves.

Blah blah there are the useless comments from the peanut gallery:  Oh, for McConaughey felt that The Prosecutrix was so beautiful, and also had a lot to offer!  Oh, here is Marquel and we don’t hear anything he has to say because it is MARQUEL and the blood is rushing to our ears!   He is wearing a chocolate chip cookie pin on top of his ascot.

“I really love that cookie,” says This Viewer.

“Is that a metaphor?” asks ABe.

And now we must go back to exactly the place that we did not want to go:  The he said/he said between Andrew and the Pantspraneur as to whether Andrew really said that thing about The Prosecutrix picking “the blackies.”  We sigh inwardly.   Marquel is, again, a champion in explaining that his faith calls him to forgive Andrew, and that he does, but that this is a difficult situation because he cannot prove what was said, though he trusts the Pantspraneur, as his friend, spoke the truth.  So he said what he needed to say to Andrew, and is moving on.

And then Andrew begins to defend himself, “I think that RON handled this really appropriately…” because it is easy to confuse Ron and Marquel, the only black men in the house, since, you know, they all look alike.

ABe:  “You cannot hear me screaming because the sound is so high-pitched that only dogs can hear it.”

Marquel:  “Excuse me? Ron?  I’m Marquel…” 

Again, we get this from the Viewing Audience: 

But Andrew wants to talk about how he felt attacked by people in the house who “had an agenda.”  And also, these allegations have had serious repercussions in his life, including in his job.  And our thing is this:  If Andrew was not so obviously a jerk in real life, this kerfluffle probably would not have the traction that it allegedly does, simply because people would not believe it.  But no, after talking about himself and his hardships, Andrew insists that instead of making a comment about “blackies” in the three seconds that the camera showed him leaning over to the Pantspraneur on that fateful evening, he instead said [insert lengthy detailed statement about it being a long night and also other stuff].  Which is totally not credible, and makes us hate him more, regardless of what was actually said.   As Marquel observes, “I lose some respect for you because you are deflecting.  Instead of acknowledging how difficult this is, all I see is your selfishness…”

Then McConaughey  switches it up by observing that The Pantspraneur is a bit of a pot stirrer because when there is an issue, he starts creating a buzz to other people instead of going directly to the source.  We secretly think he has a point. 

In short, the Pantspraneur is a gossip, Andrew is an ass, and we could not love Marquel any more than we do.

“Hey Ron, do you want some more wine?” says KMu to ABe.

Then Marquel takes the “hot seat.”   We look at his “journey,” and love him EVEN MORE when he says that he had no idea that the other men were kissing The Prosecutrix so quickly.  “Ya’ll could have dropped me a note or something” says he.  “You made me look like a square!.” And then he hands out black & white cookies to the audience.  We are depressed that he will be going on The Bachelor in Paradise, because we want to love him as we do in this very moment, and not be disappointed by his second appearance on That Drinking Game Called The Bachelor Part Summer Fill-In Fluff.

Marcus is up next.  He is allegedly still traumatized by being dumped, but we have no interest.  He is apparently joining Marquel on The Bachelor in Paradise, where he will no doubt rebound quickly.

At long last, it is McConaughey.    Gentle Readers, This Viewer had a birthday over the weekend.  And for our birthday, and in addition to the EMF Detector for All Our Ghost Hunting Adventures that we received from our dear friend SKu, ABC has Gifted Unto Us a last sighting of McConaughey. 

But first, we must watch the break up that made us all cry.  Again. 

So McConaughey says that he put 110% of himself into his relationship with the Prosecutrix, and while there may have been some things that he could have done differently, he can’t really put a finger on it.  He thinks perhaps they just needed more time.  And also, his family has been totally supportive and loving since he has been back, and they trust that he will eventually find someone.  Oh, but he doesn’t really know where he will go to do that…..

And then creepy lady with no pants raises her hand from the audience.   She calls herself “Ketra” from a “small town in Canada,” and we can only believe that it is true because the equally awfully-named “Shania” is also from a small Canadian town.   Chris Harrison invites “Ketra” down to speak with McConaughey, as the men scream “Y.O.L.O.” from the peanut gallery.

“Y.O.L.O. is for people too dumb to know carpe diem,” says KMu. 

This little interlude ends in an extremely awkward speed-date that lasts through the ad break, at which point “Ketra” gives McConaughey her number and he asks her, “what’s your name again?” 

We hate Ketra for destroying our birthday treat.  And also, dating women who accost you on television wearing no pants will never work out in the end, McConaughey (which we think he secretly knows).

Finally, The Prosecutrix comes out.

“She is wearing lights….” Says ABe.  And there do seem to be a lot of black sequins and mesh going on. But this whole segment is a big nothing.  She stabs McConaughey in the heart again by telling him that she didn’t feel the “foundation” with him to go any farther, and then says he was a gentleman when she dumped him.  Mackledouche laments that she didn’t get to see “the real” Mackledouche, and Marquel wants to know why he got friend-zoned (to which she says “sometimes that’s just what happens”).  Eventually, Corporate Chris [the dude from a past season who ALSO tried to get on this season and is now ALSO on Bachelor In Paradise] tries to come down from the audience to talk about his failed attempt to meet The Prosecutrix because he is that much of a fame whore.  We don’t care.  

Awkwardly, we segue into an announcement by Chris Harrison that,  “Remember those lie detector results that you ripped up… DADDY’S GOT SOME!!!”  We at the BNU all agree that The Harrison has completely upped his Creep factor this episode.    And also, “Daddy’s Got Some!” is a phrase that should cause any self-respecting female to exit the room immediately unless it is legitimately spoken by (a) a Daddy, (b) regarding something that a daddy would normally have, such as but not including a fresh stack of diapers.

 Unsurprisingly, three men told no lies:  Brian, JJ, and Our Beloved, McConaughey. On the other hand, Marcus lied about sleeping with FEWER than 20 women, and also about the fact that he allegedly prefers brunettes to blondes.  Naturally, the Prosecutrix declines to see what Everyman lied about, preferring to “trust the process.”

At last, after two completely unriveting hours, ABC puts a fork in it by telling us that next week, we must watch how things unfold between the The Prosecutrix and her two remaining candidates, Nick and Everyman.   Oh, and that’s going to be a three hour special because This Viewer is apparently to be Denied Her Sleep  with one final twist of the knife that is Season Prosecutrix.

See you next week for the Grand Finale, Babies.

-KLo.