McConaughey Part 2: Zombie Apocalypse

This Viewer doesn’t like it when the women come back after getting the axe, and so we bare our teeth when McConaughey Part 2 jolts us back to the end of McConaughey Part 1, with Kimberley walking back into the house to beg a few minutes of his time and a second chance.  She tearfully dances for her life, and McConaughey saves her, but only after The Harrison serves up a steaming pile:  “This is your life, so there are no rules to that.”  Oh Harrison, there may be no rules, but there are truths, including this one:  Picking The Bimbo That Looks Like A Brachiosaurus Will Never End Well.

As McConaughey explains his decision to the other women, Britney, Bitch gives a slow clap “because that’s how I feel about it.” 

And then we can’t process any more because it is morning, and McConaughey is wearing a salmon shirt of rage.  We hear dolphins screaming.

“What is up with the salmon on this show?” asks KMu. For All Of Us.

But the Harrison wants to know “how awesome is it that right up your drive way are 23 of the hottest women you’ve ever dated?”  Yes, there may be hotter, but he let them go last evening.   And then he leaves McConaughey to change from The Salmon Rage into nothing more than a blue hoodie sweatshirt, on which he carefully twiddles the zipper to reveal the appropriate level of naked chestiness as the Harrison goes to talk to the women. 

The women coo about how their faces hurt from smiling, and how McConaughey was equally toothy at the rose ceremony.  “Oh, Chris was smiling last night because he was blown away by all of you.” Says Harrison.

“That’s what’s called ‘filling in the narrative,’” mutters ABe.  Word.

Harrison leaves date card #1, for Jade, Tandra, the Brachiosaurus, McKenzie, Kei$ha, and one of the Ashleys who looks exactly like if Fran Drescher were born a Kardashian.  “Show me your country.” It reads.  This Viewer is pretty sure that these womens’ country involves no pants from Sea to Shining Sea, and we begin to sweat.

McConaughey is still twiddling with his zipper, but eventually he announces that the women are going to a pool party.  Cowboy boots are worn with bikinis, chicken is played, drinks are had, and then McConaughey offers to introduce himself again to the Brachiosaurus, as they were not able to talk at the first rose ceremony.  She later says to the camera, “he’s such a gentleman.  So kind.”

“Are they interviewing her on the sidewalk?” demands ABe as traffic screams by.  “In a bikini?”

While we are trying to wrap our heads around this, Megan (in a giant fishing net) and Britney, Bitch (wearing a black censored box over her bottoms) sneak over to McConaughey’s house to look around.  Megan, who has been overserved, tries on the motorcycle helmet, admires that it is “so hard!” and then rams her head into the brick wall, the wood wall, and the refrigerator to make sure it is safe.  “I’m losing brain cells!” she says.  Babies, the BNU presents to you the effects of No Child Left Behind.

 But back on the group date we go, where the group is now crossing the streets of LA in bikinis and shoes in order to  . . . race tractors in downtown LA.  

When this viewer was a child, the second cassette tape we ever owned was Footloose.  Like Kevin Bacon in a barn, we would fling our young body around the house in wild abandon to the smooth song stylings of Footloose while our mother hid in the kitchen for her safety until one day, as we were Holding Out for a Hero, we high kicked ourselves in the head and woke up on our back.  

Nonetheless, as our eyes fall upon the tractors, we begin to wonder if we will finally learn where have all the good men gone, and where are all the gods? Where’s the street wise Hercules to fight the rising odds?  We sing to ourselves, “Ah!  AHHHHH!!”

Somehow, the women learn to start their tractors and, having been given permission to kill themselves with large machinery, take off at about 2 miles an hour.  Where is the ditch?  Where is the shoelace tied to the gas pedal?  We are sorely disappointed when, with minimal drama, Fran Kardashian wins the race.  Her “prize” is sharing a tractor seat with McConaughey for a few minutes while she shoves her boob in his face.  

 Back at the ranch, Julie/Juelia tells the women that she is a widow with a young child, because her husband killed himself.  This is terrible, and all of the women are crying, including but not limited to brunette with fake eyelashes #3.  We are a little worried that Julie/Juelia is not ready to be on this show, and also, that we don’t know who this brunette is.  

 Yet another hard edit back to the group date that doesn’t end, and we are shocked to discover that McConaughey has picked McKenzie to continue the group date 1:1.  Gentle readers, she is 21.  This means that she was born in The Year of Our Lord 1994.  And she is wearing overall shorts, which this Viewer was also wearing, and not in an ironic way, in 1994.  We begin drinking as Kei$ha cries about walking away empty-handed, and Fran Kardashian says she feels “gyped” out of time with McConaughey, since all she got was the lousy tractor seat.

So McConaughey takes 1994 to a bar in order to celebrate her ability to drink in this country, where she asks if McConaughey had pierced ears at one point (he did). Lo, for she is “super observant about weird stuff!”  She reassures him that he has a “perfectly good nose” and that she likes big noses.  And also, wants to know if he believes in aliens.

“Come on,” says KMU. “If I am dating a farmer, of course I’m going to ask about that because hello”…. “CROP CIRCLES” finishes this Viewer.  

But back with McConaughey, 1994 is in awe because “I haven’t been on a date in so long.  It’s been like, …. a year.  Which makes this all like …. New!” And then this happens:

1994:  “There is like something, really super scary and hard to tell you.”

McConaughey:  “Take a breath.”

KMu:  “I just got my period last week.”

1994 goes on to confess that she has a son, and now we know that she is completely safe for this week because McConaughey would be a turd to cut the single mother in the first rose ceremony after such a confession, even if she’s got more hair than wit.  She gets the rose.

“Clearly, I underestimate the men on this show, always,” says ABe.

We flash back, for a moment, to the house, where Whitney the Fertility Nurse is, for once, not talking about inseminating something.  Instead, she is talking to Fran Kardashian on the house.  Gentle readers, there is so much "contouring" happening on their respective faces that it looks like they both have beards. 

Eventually, Date card #2 comes and it is for No Child Left Behind.  As she reads it (“Love is a Natural Wonder”), she asks the women, “This doesn’t mean like a date, right?  It’s just like a love note.”    As this is happening, 1994 is talking about the five times McConaughey kissed her on their date, and we are distracted because we have discovered Amber, who is “vaguely black,” in the words of ABe.  Viva la POC! 

McConaughey picks up No Child Left Behind, who is actually in a normal outfit without obscene amounts of makeup.  They take a limo to a private jet in order to board a helicopter.  And after they’ve finished fracking North Dakota and smoking a cigarette on top of a leaking oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico, they decide to enjoy a picnic at the Grand Canyon. 

This Author has fond memories of visiting The Grand Canyon with our family, as we were able to capture such majestic views as our sister SHa flipping us off, and our sister ERo in pasty splendor, beside a cactus.

At any rate, No Child Left Behind is explaining that her boss brought the Bachelor to her attention and encouraged her to go on the show:

“Rather than fire you,” says KMu, “why don’t you take a looooong sabbatical.”

And then her father died in a terrible way, and, once again, while that is legitimately terrible, we begin to wonder if Loss is a pre-requisite for coming on this show.  As No Child assures McConaughey that she is there for the “right reasons” (everybody drink), McConaughey concludes that she is a “strong woman with a huge heart.”  Oh! She has never had this feeling in her “entire life!” Oh!  He thinks it’s amazing to be kissing No Child Left Behind in the Grand Canyon. 

She gets the rose.

Back at the ranch, date card #3 has come for TreeeeNAH; Kelsey; Friendly Skies Britney, Bitch; Crazy Eyes, Kaitlyn, Julie/Juelia, Britt, Amber Who Is Vaguely Black, and maybe some others.  “’Til Death Do Us Part,” it says.  Oooooo.

As their limo approaches some kind of burned out warehouse and ghostly figures start whipping around it, the level of screetching emanating therefrom approximates the level of alcohol now being consumed by This Viewer.  Amber Who Is Vaguely Black says, for all of us, “this is my worst nightmare.”  And our love for Kelsey takes a giant step backwards when she cackles about Chris surprising them when he opens the door.

So the deal is that the women have to “kill some zombies” with paintball guns and find a light beacon in the dead dead dead of night. Kaitlyn is thrilled because this is “like Call of Duty.”  Britt is excited because she is “amazing at paintball.”  We secretly wonder if the zombies aren't castoffs from past Bachelor seasons. And Crazy Eyes doesn’t seem to really understand that she’s there to shoot zombies, and not the other women. Kaitlyn speaks the truth:  “Look, do NOT put any kind of weapon in Crazy Eyes’ hands. Whether a fork or a paint ball gun.”

For the next half an hour, there is constant screaming.  So basically, it’s like the American Girl store, only with Zombies.

Then Crazy Eyes finds the Peyote: 

“I feel like I’m like, in the Mesa Verde.”

“I would never shoot a person, ever, but it might ricochet.”

“What is this, what is this?” (Amber Who is Vaguely Black offers, “um, a candle?”)

And then with McConaughey:  “I heard the truth, and the truth is like Boom.  Go, like go.  Go find your own way to the boom.” And also:  “you don’t want to lose the whole world, but actually gain the whole world.  You don’t want to lose your whole soul.” At some point, it is no longer funny and we begin to worry that ABC has legitimately cast a crazy person on this show, given her a paintball gun, and unleashed her on the masses.  Because Mike Fleiss would never do that.

When last we see Crazy Eyes, she is on her hands and knees, talking to a stray cat.

After several 1:1s where we learn that Kaitlyn tends to “put her life on hold” for men and McConaughey gives a card to Britt saying “free kiss, from Chris” (“Because he hasn’t been giving any of those out lately,” observes ABe), Kaitlyn gets the rose on this date.   Kaitlyn is so decidedly the wrong name for this woman, but we continue to have no words.

While this is happening, some lady named Jordan is extremely drunk at the house.  She twerks and We Cannot Unsee It.  And she talks in detail about the hairy asscrack of Britney, Bitch.  This Viewer is having an Afghan Moment with her scarf.  

Finally, it is the rose ceremony.  Whitney, who we have not seen much of lately, is wearing skin-tight red which shows off her little twiggy gumby legs and the harshness of her demeanor.  She is like a crow, somehow.  A blonde, terrifying crow.  We have to hear her speak again, as she gives McConaughey whisky “from Iahwah” which we think is “Iowa.”

KMu, for All of Us:  “I CANNOT TAKE IT.”  (her voice).

As this is happening, Fran Kardashian reveals that she is a virgin and has never had a boyfriend before.  1994 reacts like the pages of a bodice-ripper written the year she was born:   “That is so cool that you’re a virgin.  Because guys like taking your virginity.  And Chris is going to be really kind.”   And also: “When Fran Kardashian told me she was a virgin, I was like, so jealous. I can’t even use that because I have a kid.”  No, but perhaps you could star in “A Baby for the Bachelor,” 1995’s Harlequin Sequel to this shitshow.

In 1:1 time with Fran Kardashian, things only devolve.  She tells McConaughey that she has a “princess Jasmine belly ring” which is (drum roll) a MAGIC LAMP.  Fran K tells him that he has three wishes on her belly button from now until “whenever” but that he has to rub it first. 

ABE:  “I’m a genie in a bottle, you gotta rub me the right way.”

KMU:  “I wish for Robin Williams to come out:  ‘ Heeellllllloooooo!!!!”

As this Viewer is still trying to assimilate Fran K and her bellybutton Not Found In Nature, we are blindsided when she suddenly wraps her tallons around McConaughey and hoovers his face. This is the worst kiss ever on the Bachelor Part Last Two Seasons, and we are traumatized.

Blah Blah Amber Who Is Vaguely Black gets in on the action, Britt tears up because this is All So Real, and drunk Jordan is too drunk to even converse with McConaughey. 

We don’t care who he picks.  They all look alike and are equally terrible, but McConaughey declares that he can see his wife in the room (that would be the ghost of Christmas future, crying softly in the corner).  Joining 1994, No Child Left Behind, and Kaitlyn with roses, he picks.

1. Britt

2. Fran Kardashian.

3.  TreeNAH

4. Kelsey

5. Some brunette named Samantha

6. Julie/Juelia  [Britney, Bitch thinks her name is read, walks out, slips on the carpet, and then over-compensates with a shrill laugh].

7. Amber Who is Vaguely Black

8. Tracy?  We don’t know her.

9.  Britney, Bitch.

10. Jade. 

11. Nikki.  ABE:  “Who’s Nikki???”

12.  Becca. Again, we do not know this person. 

13.  Carly the singer.

14.  The Crow

15.  Crazy Eyes. 

Whoa.  Axing Jordan the Alcoholic is understandable.  But he picked Crazy Eyes over Kei$ha, the Branchiosaurus, and Friendly Skies??  Making this Viewer feel sad for pretty girls everywhere, at least two of these three women say that if they knew what was wrong with them, they would “fix it.” Ke$ha declares she will be haunted for the rest of her life.

Stay tuned for next week, when Jimmy Kimmel apparently comes to town.

Peace,

KLo