McConaughey Part 1: Isn't That Special.

Babies, this Viewer was In Europe a few days ago, struggling to communicate in the Frenches and also, with the horror of seeing girl after 20 year old European girl wearing jeans shorts with tights underneath, when we wondered to ourselves, “hm, when does season McConoughay start?”  The Google told us it was less than 24 hours after we got back to the states.  Dammit.  And so, broken and jet-lagged, we announced ourselves at Chez KMu last night, bearing our drink for the evening:

That is the plant from Little Shop of Horrors on the left, Gentle Readers.  Not scary lady parts.

And then we catch our first glimpse of McConoughay’s promo picture, heavily photoshopped and backlit by corn.

“What is this, field of dreams?” asks KMu.

In despair, we make a further discovery:  The first episode is a live viewing event.  So for the next hour, Chris Harrison stands beside a random museum display post holding an awkwardly small vase of flowers that says “I wanted to say happy birthday for less than $20 on flowers.com” interviewing those members of Bachelor Nation who are still under contract to remain on the reservation.  He further announces this season is full of surprises, including “a virgin who spend the night in the fantasy suite! A good girl with an X-rated past! And 2 widows!!!”  We are disappointed to see that it also includes Corporate Chris from the past thousand seasons, taking selfies in the background.

But let’s get to know “Prince Farming,” as The Harrison says.  

Lo, for he is 33 years old, rides motorcycles (at least for the Bachelor Part McConoughay), he is a 4^th generation farmer, he fishes, and most significantly, he is the only bachelor in recent history to keep his shirt on for the entire “here he is, Misses America” presentation of himself.  We are sure that he is more than fine, however, as Mackedouche from Season The Prosecutrix trains him lifting hay bales and also, Other Farm Implements in a segment what can only be described as “Exercise! It Can Happen Anywhere!”  We still love him (McConoughay), despite ourselves.

And then, for an hour, we have painful interviews with past bachelor couples.  Here are the salient take-aways:

1.  The only things of value in a woman is the ring on her finger and the state of her Downtown.  With Hillshire and Pringles, the question is “now that you’ve had The Sex, when are you having The Babies?”  With The Prosecutrix and Everyman, it’s “now that you’ve gotten together, when is the wedding?” And so on and so forth.

2.  Hillshire is wearing a garment bag as a cape. We cannot look away.

3.  Le Ca from Season Prince Bolognese (100 years ago, when we were the age of bachelor contestants), is wearing a tiara and a tin foil jumpsuit.  “NO!” Texts ABe, who has the Plague and therefore, is Away From Us this evening.  We also love that Le Ca is texting continually in the background of Chris Harrison’s interviews. We wonder if she is writing to ABe.

4.  We still don’t like Nurse Nikki, who may have broken up with Juan Ton, but explains that “even though he wasn’t comfortable expressing his feelings, made me a low priority for most of our relationship, and had a different lifestyle than me, I wanted to stand by my man” over and over again.

“That was like the death of feminism in three sentences.” Says KMu.

And also, we hate her hair, which is all pinned to one side and makes us feel heavy and tilted.

  

At last it is time to go inside and join the live viewing audience discovering a few of the contestants.  We remember that we HATE THIS EPISODE because we cannot get through it without lists.  We hate it even more when The Harrison tells us that there will be 30 women this first night instead of 25.

In the promo segments, we have Britt, a 27 year old waitress *cough*actress*cough* from Hollywood that thinks intimacy is important but doesn’t want to “tap into the physical” immediately in a relationship.  So she spends her time holding a sign saying “free hugs.”   We are a little exhausted.

And then we meet, “Britney, Bitch.” So, her name is really Jillian, and she is a national news producer at age 25 who can also do gymnastics and lift the heavy heavy weights.  But in our mind, she is Britney Spears circa her Brunette Phase, and we wish her to be surrounded by drag queens fiercely snapping At All Times.

Amanda, a 24 year old ballet teacher.  We take one look at her teaching a class and know that she is terrible.  She is also living with her mother, because she doesn’t know how to cook and doesn’t like to clean, and so her mom does all those things for her.  We then understand why she is also a terrible dancer.  But she is rather intense.  We shall call her Black Swan.

Whitney, a 29 year old fertility nurse from Chicago who apparently coaxes couples to conceive by driving them to accomplish The Impossible in order to escape her voice.   Gentle Readers, she loves “creating families” and has had trouble meeting someone in the city because “these boys just do not want to settle down.”  And also, she has a little dog.  We hope she gets the axe immediately, and also, that this blog had an audio component in which we could express our despair.   

Continuing with the age appropriate candidates for a 33 year old bachelor, we have 21 year old McKenzie, who loves her baby, whom she has named after greens of the earth (Kale), and thinks that McConaughey is everything she is looking for because he is “Hot. Mature, and grown up.  Like a man!”

…. Not to be outdone, there is Friendly Skies, a 24 yo flight attendant from New Jersey who has filmed her own job specific safety video explaining that “Smoking is prohibited in this aircraft, unless you are smoking hot.”   We think about the job-specific safety video we just watched, in which we were informed that The Federal Rules of Civil Procedure are thick enough to stop bullets from most guns, and try to make that sexy:  “Only bring out the big guns, if you want to reach my heart!” We conclude that peoples’ feelings towards lawyers are different than peoples’ feelings towards flight attendants, and also, that no one should ever try to make a workplace safety video sexy again.

And then there is Kelsey, a 28 year old Austin, Texas school counselor who has been a widow for a little over a year, talks about the choice one makes to either stay in bed crying or pick up and move on with your life, and is excited to take this risk because she believes one can have many soul mates in life.  We do not know where this woman came from, but we love her.

Blah blah, here is McConaughey prepping for the season, trying on suit after suit.  Channeling This Viewer when trying on swimsuits, he says that the ordeal is “mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausting.”  But he makes it through, and announces to us all that he is hoping to find someone who is excited to be with a “real, grown ass farmer.”  And just in case we missed that he is  A FARMER, here he is at a photo shoot with corn and hay bales, and also, taking a shower outside because that is what farmers do.

At last, it is time for the Limos.  And here come the lists, babies, because it is impossible any other way:  After a screech from someone that McConoughay “is darling!” Limo #1 belches out:

1.  Britt the hugger, wearing hooker hosiery on her back.  They share an intense hug.  For a really long time.  

2.  Whitney the fertility nurse, wearing a sports bra backwards as a dress top.

3.  Kelsey, whom we will Not Disparage (None of Us) at least at this time.

4.  Megan, a 24 year old makeup artist wearing a saloon bustier and telling McConaughey, “You’re amazing.  This is awesome” because that is such a conversation starter.

5.  Some kind of Ashley in a lace dress.

As Limo #2 arrives, KMu plays the air guitar along with ABC and we meet:

6.  TreeeeeNAH.  We previously though that Whitney’s voice was traumatizing, but we  now realize that is nothing in comparison to TreeeeeNAH, who is surely the love child of a door creaking open and Androgynous Pat from SNL circa This Viewer’s Childhood.

7.  Regan, who announces that she sells human tissue and gives McConaughey a fake plastic heart from a biohazard cooler because that is not creepy.

8.  Kei$ha.  We think her name is Tara and she is 26, wearing cowboy boots, a flannel shirt, and jeans shorts.  She later puts a dress on revealing her back tat and sneaks back through the limo to meet El Bachelor again.

9.  Somebody named Nikki.  We aren’t paying attention. 

10.  A Secret admirer, who Christ Jesus, turns out to be Black Swan.  And she is wearing Navajo Blanket Rage in the form of a dress.

Here comes limo #3 with:

11. Britney, Bitch.

12.  McKenzie the 21 year old.

13.  Crazy Eyes, a hair stylist who found a lucky penny at the airport and puts it in McConaughey’s shoe.

14. Somewhere in here, some other woman gets out of the limo but we were eating chocolate to stay awake and not paying attention again.

15.  Kaitlyn, a 29 year old alleged dance instructor.  Two things happen at once:

KMu announces that “her dress is almost showing asscrack,” and

Kaitlyn introduces herself with: “I don’t know much about you. Your name is Chris.  You are a farmer.  And you can plow the f*ck out of my field any day.”

Dead silence follows.

So many images. We just.  Cannot.

 

 Then there is a lull in the meetings, and McConaughey heads inside to meet the *first* 15 women.  Kaitlyn makes friends with the ladies by telling another joke:  “Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware party?  Because he wanted to find a tight seal.” 

OMG KAITLYN THIS VIEWER DOES NOT YET KNOW WHAT TO CALL YOU BUT MAKE IT STOP.

Soon, 1:1 times commence.  Britt the hugger tells McConaughey that she wants to be his shoulder to lean on, and in another weird magnetic hugging moment, they nearly kiss.  We are blinded in rage by the voices of TreeeeeeNAH and Whitney the fertility nurse, and then suddenly, we are interrupted by Chris Harrison, who has chosen this moment to force us all back to the live viewing audience in order to interview “six farmers’ wives from Iowa,” including, apparently, The Church Lady:

We hate that women can’t be farmers too.  We also do not appreciate the wig and boomerang adorning the Church Lady, who was apparently a high school classmate of McConaughey and says he is very sweet. 

Before we can assimilate all of this, BAM we are back in 1:1 time between Whitney and McConaughey:  “Do you inseminate hogs?” she inquires.  “Because I make babies all day!  And there are similarities between what we do!  And also, I have a paper calendar in which I have been crossing off all the days until I meet you!”  How will you know, if he really loves you, Whitney?  Yes yes, I know you say a prayer, with ev.er.y. heart. Beat.  But still, we don’t need you to say them outloud.  Or anything else.  Ever again.

Then some girl is telling McConaughey that she found a rock that looked like a heart while scaling macchu picchu.  And here is the difference between these women and this viewer.  Because when this viewer finds something shaped like a heart in a Foreign Land (aka, the South), we call it the “Butt Biscuit:”

Clearly, we are past the age of romance.

THREE HOURS into the evening, more limos start arriving.  Britney, Bitch says, “The others.  They Have Arrived,” in her best Arnold Schwartzenegger, and we secretly love her.  And then we are hit in the face with:

16.    Some lady named Claire, but we don’t now think that is a contestant’s name, so clearly we made that up.  Really, ABC needs to stop with all the women.  

17.  Some lady named Samantha, a 27 yo fashion designer.

18.  Michelle, a 25 year old wedding cake decorator who is dressed like a cake topper.

19.  Julie/Juelia, some kind of event planner we think.

20.  Becca, a 25 year old wearing a sequined romper and a shoes that hide her ankle monitor.

 Somewhere in here, a  woman shoes up on a motorcycle, wearing pile of lace.

Then we have:

21.   Friendly Skies, who shows McConaughey how to use a seat belt.

22.  A student named Jordan, who is 24 years old because when this viewer was 24 years old, what we really wanted to do was DATE A 33 YEAR OLD MAN.  Baby Jesus, make it stop.

23.  Nicole, a real estate agent wearing pig nose and announcing that she wants to “ham it up." 

24.  Aaaaand:  This woman:

If this Viewer ever decides to crochet a dress and fisticuffs or become a WWE Diva in Training, we are going to be sure we include a brain stem over the lady bits of our crocheted outfit.  After this Viewer regains her voice and mutters something about Etsy Fails, ABe reminds us that such sentiments are an insult to Etsy. 

25. As an afterthought, we meet Carly, some kind of singer in a prom dress and carrying a karaoke machine.

Then a bonus limo arrives with:

26.  Tracy, a 29 year old elementary school teacher.

27.  Bo, a plus size model that looks like McConaughey’s mother.

28.  Kimberly a yoga instructor.

29.  Kara, who doesn’t think it’s scary to tell McConaughey that her friends and family think they would make cute babies.  Rest assured, Kara, Whitney can hook you up.

30.  Last but not least, Jade, some 28 year old in a pretty dress and looking like a flower.

“I get goose bumps thinking about these women!” says McConaughey to The Harrison.

“Those aren’t goosebumps,” mutters KMu.

Back inside we go to force ourselves through more 1:1 times.  Kaitlyn teaches McConaughey how to breakdance.  Somehow, between that and the terrible jokes, McConaughey concludes that she is “fun and goofy, but has a lot the features I am looking for in a wife.”  REALLY?  Friendly Skies tells him that “It’s like Christmas Morning for you!  Except your presents are women!!!” and this Viewer dies a little inside.  

And then Crazy Eyes gets drunk:

 “Every person you meet is like an onion.  When you cut them, you peel them back.  And what you do is you peel them back layer by layer.  Honestly.  Honestly. I’m sorry but this is how I feel” (she plucks some random flower from the bushes and gives it to another girl talking to the Bachelor): “ Can I give you this rose and then steal him away? …. Take a look at this onion.  Seriously.  This onion. I’m not even kidding.” 

And then there is this gem: “I want to run through sunflower fields.  And ride horses.  I’ve never ridden a horse ever…. Is that a pomegranate?  (she goes into the bushes) … “It is a pomegranate.  It issssss. WOW.  I feel powerful.” 

We kind of like Crazy Eyes, but we don’t get to spend any more time with her because 21 year old McKenzie is now asking McConaughey what Alfalfa is.

Is it organic?” she asks.

O.M.G.

But not to be outdone by Crazy Eyes, Kei$ha is drinking heavily.  Aand she wants that rose because “gooooooooooood, I really like that kid.”

And now we are going to cut this short because we are seriously late for life items scheduled to begin immediately.  Britt the Hugger gets the first impression rose, and they kiss.  A fair bit.  And talk about how this is the best night ever, and we wonder if the show is now over because they are going to dance into the bushes together.  But joining her with the roses, McConaughey eventually picks in the rose ceremony:   

1. Kaitlyn.  WHAT?

2.  Jade .

3. Samantha.  Some brunette we don’t remember now.

4.  An Ashley we don’t remember.

5.  Tandra.  Tandra.  Was there a Tandra?

6.  Nikki – we don’t remember her. 

7.  Kelsey.  YEAH.  Except now, Kei$ha is stomping her feet and rubbing her arms, and staggering at the top of the bleachers were the women are standing.  We wonder if she won’t lock her knees and pass out as he picks….

8. Megan

9.  Friendly Skies.

10. Somebody named Amber.  Was there an Amber??

11. Julie/Juelia.

12. Becca in the sequined romper.  And now Kei$ha is really making noise.

13.  TreeeeeNAH.  NOOOOOOOO.

Suddenly, McConaughey walks off set to talk to Chris Harrison. He announces, “I was gonna pick her, but Kei$ha’s like, wasted drunk.”  To which Harrison responds, “Enough that you want to get rid of her, or enough that you want to give her another chance and see how she acts?

KMu offers up this translation: “Please please please keep the drunk girl."

In a continued display of bad judgment, McConaughey returns and picks.

14 . McKenzie who wonders if alfalfa is organic.

15.  Somebody named Tracy

16.  Kei$ha.  WHAT?

17.  Somebody named Jordan.   

18.  Britney, Bitch.

19.  Whitney.  Noooooooo.

20.  Carly the singer. 

21. Crazy Eyes.

We are pretty sure that we got everyone’s names wrong, but that’s ok because thank goodness we are down to 22 and we’ll just figure it out next week.  But Kara is upset because she is “just a little

servant willing to do whatever she’s supposed to do,” which is a depressing understanding of how to meet your spouse.   But more interestingly, Kimberly the 28 year old something or other is upset that she is going home.  So she goes BACK IN THE HOUSE to confront McConaughey.

And the show ends on that cliff-hanger.  Oooooo. 

Except for the part where we preview the season, which includes a lot of tears, and some medical assistance, and a big mistake by McConaughey in which he probably “accidentally” plows somebody’s field, making everyone upset.

Catch you next week, babies.

KLo.