McConaughey Part 3: Roll The Cob

This Viewer was less than thrilled about Jimmy Kimmel joining the bachelor because, As They Say, “in case I’m not enough of a freak already, let’s add a tiara.”  However, after he begins the episode by waking McConaughey amidst all the pelts (we don’t know if they are pelts, but it looks like it), calling the women “sister wives,” and introducing an “amazing” jar for anytime anyone uses that uninventive word, we decide he may be ok.

He bring date card #1 for Kaitlyn:  “You and Chris are about to join an exclusive club, with hors d’oeuvres, nice linen, and a sweeping view.”  We wonder if they are Flying The First Class, but instead we all go to Cosco, and discover that Kaitlyn is wearing this:

Kaitlyn stands up to reveal a Fruit of The Loom Sari, with half of a white leotard because why not, coupled with a long jersey skirt.  And also, a red and white checked lumberjacket. We gasp.

Her real name needs to be like, Misty or Ja-Ja-Ja-Jasmine,” says ABe.  “Not Kaitlyn.”

Kimmel has left a note for McConaughey and Misty:  “I’m coming for dinner, so please get things…..” including an office chair and “enough ketchup to fill a hot tub.”  We are a little traumatized as McConaughey concludes that shopping for all 19 kids and Counting is like a normal couple thing, and also the part where they get inside some inflatable ball womb, and several children roll them down the Costco aisle.  However this is made all better when A Random Woman advises them that the “cooked chicken is delicious.”

Soon, they are “cooking” together. “He was like, seasoning up the steaks, and I was pouring the bourbon, and it was totally real!” says Misty.  We appreciate her view of cooking.  For his part, McConaughey admires her because shopping together, which is not a thing that couples do ever, could have “been a train wreck but she made it so natural,” earning her a kiss on the sofa while Misty holds herself preternaturally still. 

 We learn that Misty has a laugh “like a man” and McConaughey has a laugh “like a girl.”   Then Le Kimmel joins them, and we discover that Misty dated one farmer before, but is incapable of describing what kind of farm he had other than, “like, cows.”  And also, that she would not be upset if McConaughey slept with everyone in the fantasy suit because “you can’t buy a car without taking it for a test drive.” 

After Le Kimmel describes himself as “a kind of lubricant.  I’m here to smooth things through,” and the three of them develop some kind of sexual reference for “checking the potstickers,” we at the BNU must Walk. It. Off. 

She gets the rose.

Meanwhile back at the House of Horrors, date card #2 has come:  “Are you ready to meet some real party animals?” It is for Britney, Bitch; 1994; Amber who is Vaguely Black; Kelsey; Crazy Eyes; Julie/Juelia; and a whole cast of characters that have gotten no air time to date:  Becca, Tracy, Samantha, Nikki, and Carly the Singer.   Babies, we know this show as sure as we made it:  We are about to witness A Street Fight Scene in which at least four extras will be eliminated, including the vaguely black one.

That night, Britney, Bitch begins preparing with some impressive lifting of weights.  Kelsey watches her for a bit and then concludes, “Well, if that’s my competition, I’ve got to do some pushups and find some child-size shorts.”   Kelsey, FOR THE WIN.

The next morning, Le Kimmel brings the group to the “Hoedown Throwndown.”  Yeeeeesssss.  1994 looks really confused as he gently explains the way this works:

A. The first woman to shuck 50 ears of corn…..

B. Runs to the chicken pen, where they must grab an egg and fry it.  If you crack the yolk, you will be eliminated (this Viewer would be eliminated at this point) and then runs to….

C. The goat milking station.  “One is a male, so it’s gonna be really weird,” says Kimmel.  Yes, that is the only weird thing.

D. After filling 8 ounces of mile and drinking it, the survivors must fill a wheelbarrow with manure and then…

E. Wrestle a pig.  First one to pin the pork, so to speak, wins. 

We watch the following segment several times.  Carly the Singer; Britney, Bitch, and 1994 are neck and neck into the chicken coop, but 1994 is disqualified after sticking her thumb in her egg.   Suddenly boxes are appearing over the backside of Britney, Bitch because her child-size shorts Have Ridden Up.  But it is Kelsey who starts to feel sick because she has to drink “warm, unpasteurized goat milk.”  Amber who is Vaguely Black commiserates:  “the goat milk is salty and warm, not the stuff I like in my mouth.”  Because this is a PG blog, This Viewer will only say that she is unlikely to reach the Fantasy Suite.

And then Britney, Bitch literally jumps the pig fence, American Ninja Warrior style.  Says Britt, for All of Us:  “You have to put that in slo mo.  Because that was the most epic move I have ever seen.”  And ABC does it, gentle readers. 

It is at this point, that we at the BNU feel compelled to offer the following Public Service Announcement.  Leggings Are Not Pants, as we have often preached.  But it is also true that NO PANTS ARE NOT PANTS.  Because, regardless of what you are wearing or not wearing, the staff of the BNU should not “be able to identify your labia majora,” concludes KMU. 

So for the love of God, Britney, Bitch, we need to stop seeing this in relation to you:  

Carly the Singer ends up winning the Hoedown Throwndown, and her award is taking American Gothic style photos with McConaughey.  Whee.  We like her fine, and understand why at the cocktail party portion of the date, she aggressively seeks time with him Including But Not Limited to a Kiss after that lame prize.  It’s just that she is over-tweezed to the point she looks perpetually surprised.

“She is wearing her date eyebrows,” says ABe.

Also at the cocktail party, Amber Who is Vaguely Black decides to make McConaughey dance with her, which Never Works Not Ever unless the man is a natural dancer and also, Even Then it Does Not Work.  But we do not have time to be embarrassed for her because we are now watching from underneath the safety of our scarf.  Lo, for 1994 is raking McConaughey over the coals because she was the first person he kissed, which made her feel “special,” but now she doesn’t feel special anymore because he’s kissing other women.  And then she unhinges her jaw and This Viewer Is Not Making It Up:

She later concludes that she may have “blown it,” with McConaughey.  Lord, we hope so.

“1994 needs to go,” says ABe.  Preach.

 Off we go to 1:1 time with Becca the Chiropractic Assistant, who looks like Mariel Hemingway.  After some discussion about her being there for the Right Reasons, she friend zones him when he goes in for the kiss because their relationship is “very new.” Wait, no.  HE friend zones HER.   We watch this back several times and are confused, possibly because KMu has Delivered Unto Us Thin Mints and we are now no longer paying attention.

Hemingway gets the rose on this date, which is eclipsed only by Crazy Eyes’ look of “WTF ARE YOU MAD, YOUNG MAN” in the background.  Carly the Singer is heartbroken and feels “terrible.”  Well it’s too late, baby, yeah, it’s too late.

At last date card #3 arrives, and it is for The Crow.  “Today is going to be fun.  No whining.” It says.  The Crow is ecstatic, opening her mouth to scratch the nails on the chalkboard and also, drive a dagger through this Viewer’s earlobes. 

“Can you see penises shriveling everywhere (at the sound of her voice)?” says this Viewer.

“Dude, MY penis is shriveling,” says KMu.

Soon we are in the car with The Crow, and she is wearing black.  ABC apparently chose not to show any of the real part of this date, which was dinner at a winery, because the Crow and McConaughey have decided to crash a wedding and that is much more interesting.    Here are the salient points:  The Crow creates a fictional story about how she is McConaughey’s fiancé, which gets them in the door to the wedding party, where the Crow lies TO THE BRIDE’S MOTHER about how she met Shannon, a makeup artist, a long time ago.  We are simultaneously amazed and horrified, but deeply, deeply grateful that ABC basically can only catch what The Crow is saying in bits.

McConaughey is star-struck because what he really wants in a wife is someone who can “roll the cob and have random conversations with people.”

“Did he just say ‘Roll The Cob?’” says the entire BNU.
“When I roll my cob, it’s in butter.” Says KMu.
ABE snorts.
I mean actual corn, ABe.”

And then they end up on the dance floor with the bride and groom while some person named Matt White croons, “for all the words and wild nights and the spoonin.”
“Is that a real lyric?” demands KMu.

As McConaughey and The Crow creep off from the wedding reception, he is very drunk.  They kiss and we hate her voice, but he is completely in love because she made the date herself, and also, now he can imagine the Crow being his wife.  NOOOOO.  The only thing good about that scenario is that she would not be the next bachelorette.

She gets the rose.

At last it is the rose ceremony day, except there will be a pool party instead of a rose ceremony.  Fran Kardashian is extremely upset because she apparently had a “Kardashian look” planned for the evening, and now it’s ruined! Ruined, I tell you!!!

Britney, Bitch once again is not wearing any pants.  But the real story is Julie/Juelia, dressed in a flower headband  and wearing the Poppy lipstick sample given to this Viewer by her Grandmother circa 100 years ago.  “When the mooooon is in the seventh house, and Jupiter aligns with Mars..” sings KMu.   But soon even Hair cannot stop this slow moving trainwreck because Julie/Juelia has decided that now, at this very pool party, is the time to reveal to McConaughey that her husband killed himself and then also, to sob on his shoulder about it.

 “Listen, honey, you should not be on that show.” says ABe. And we all feel tired for women who think a relationship is going to save them from dealing with their own shit, and also for Julie/Juelia, who really ought to be in therapy right now and not being filmed from behind a bush while talking about Hard Things dressed like a Fauxppi. 

Things take another turn for the ridiculous when Britt has somewhat forced 1:1 with McConaughey and uses it to suck his face, and then Jade invites herself back to McConaughey’s house, where she jumps into his bed in “Bette Midler’s top from Beaches” (concludes KMu) and stripper heels, so that she can be more comfortable explaining how this process is “so hard” for her.  For the second time in McConaughey Part 3, we have to Walk. It. Off.  When “sexy music” starts playing during this scene.

Meanwhile, Britney, Bitch has made her way down to McConaughey’s hot tub and won’t leave. She pounces on him as he leaves the house with Jade, and then monopolizes his time as Fran Kardashian (wearing a head thong), 1994 (in a flower onesie), and No Child Left Behind (in bondage swimwear) huddle in the bushes negotiating how they are going to divide their 1:1 time.  “Do I look like a crack whore?” wonders No Child Left Behind, because it’s very important that she looks ah-may-zing for this moment.

Long story short, things do not go as planned.  Britney, Bitch refuses to leave the hot tub, which causes Fran Kardashian to flee in tears, dramatically dropping her plastic wineglass behind her like a glass slipper.  It bounces down the driveway as she cries to the camera about “fairness” and not hogging 1:1 time.  But, she feels better rapidly when she manages to corner McConaughey and give him what some might call “enthusiastic” kisses and what this viewer shall merely call “really gross.’  She nearly knocks him off the parapet.

At last, it is the rose ceremony for realz.  We don’t get to see any of the womens’ dresses and are very bitter about it until McConaughey begins to call their names.  He picks, to join Misty, Hemingway, and The Crow with roses:

1.  Jade, in a lace bandaid with matching lace headband.  WTF.

2. Samanatha.  Who is this???

3. Julie/Juelia

4. 1994.  WHAT???

5.  Kelsey.  (No Child Left Behind begins to feel unsafe.  Will she pass the test??)

6. Britt

7. No Child Left Behind, whom we discover to have forgotten her top. Thank god she found some arrowheads in the field behind the mansion to keep her neck warm.

8. Carly the Singer. 

9.  Crazy Eyes.  Again, WHAT??

10. Some person named Nikki.

11. Britney, Bitch. Aaaaand.

12. Fran Kardashian.  Our only satisfaction here is that she had asked McConaughey to pick her first.

So basically, Amber who is Vaguely Black got the axe on MLK day.  We are depressed. Tracy (who we never knew) and TreeNAH also get the axe. 

Stay tuned for next week, when some of the women live out their own fractured fairy tales.  I wish, more than anything, more than life, more than THE moon to go to that particular festival, Babies, but it will have to wait until next week. 

KLo.