McConaughey Part 9: McConaughey And the Temple Of Doom

McConaughey Part 9 finds us in Bali on overnight dates as “Asian music plays” in our closed captioning.  Oh! McConaughey needs to know about “intimacy” on these overnight dates.  What better place to do it than Denpasar?

KZi, who we have dragged half way across the world (literally) to watch the Bachelor, injects a bit of realism into our Monday night: “I’ve been there.  It is super touristy.”
But McConaughey loves it: “They are so friendly and welcoming!”
KZi:  “Again, that is because all of their income comes from tourism.”

So Date #1 is with Misty.  She is forced to wear a sarong over her extremely short salmon shorts of rage and another sarong covering her shoulders as they enter into a temple.  Suddenly, temple women are teaching them to balance baskets on their heads, and they are doing some kind of lotus flower prayer.  We conclude that this HAS to be staged because when this Viewer has visited temples in Various Foreign Lands, no one gave two shits about teaching us how to wear a basket or pray with flowers.

Misty is awed as they “really went into a spiritual moment,” but she is concerned about her relationship with McConaughey because SHE thinks HE thinks that she has her guard up.   This Viewer begins to eat her feelings with an entire sleeve of girl scout cookies. For Misty, walking around the streets of Bali is “Like, the most natural thing.”

KZi:  “It’s a whole entire island, dipshit.”

Rounding out our day trip to Bali, Misty and McConaughey visit some kind of monkey farm, where the monkeys will climb up a person and eat a banana off their head.  Ok, Shit Just Got Real.  KZi does not like monkeys ever since she saw a tsunami of them jump over a wall and swarm a police station in Another Country before moving away like a sea of fire ants.  Drawing from our completely parallel life experience, this Viewer does not like monkeys particularly since The Hunger Games.  And so now we both think that the monkeys are going to EAT THEM ALIVE AND EVERYONE IS GOING TO DIE.

But they don’t.  Instead, a monkey pees all over McConaughey and then he (McConaughey, not the monkey) escorts Misty to dinner.   She is wearing a Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Sarong and a Bra Top.  We hate this outfit. 

We actually like Misty, and we feel a little bad for her as they talk about how each other feels, and also, about how she is allegedly holding back her feelings and has her guard up because of a “past relationship.”
“No,” says KZi, “It’s because there are 2 other ladies.”

Then Misty says she is at her best when she is vulnerable, forever marking her distinction from this Viewer.  When This Viewer feels vulnerable, we sleep a lot and then bite everyone around us like an old cat.   But whatever, blah blah Misty gets the fantasy suite card from McConaughey, who is “EXTREMELY excited for this night not to end,” and suddenly Misty is full of confidence and not shaking anymore.

“Oh! Everything is where it is supposed to be!” declares Misty.
“That’s because you’re 23.  Wait until you’re 40” says KZi.
“Yes, then everything will be 10 inches lower.” Concludes this Viewer.

This date ends with a cop out, as Misty declares that she is “falling in love with you.”
Everyone at the BNU agrees that this is not the same as “I.Love.You.”
McConaughey, of course, likes that she said she is falling in love.  Meh.

Off we go to Date #2 with the Crow.  Full disclosure:   The BNU staff had extreme difficulty paying attention during this date, where McConaughey was “looking deeply” into their relationship and not sure if he could see himself with her, and we were looking deeply into our wine glass and the girl scout cookie box. 

Blah blah McConaughey and the Crow meet in the harbor, where they climb onto a boat to sail the Indian Ocean.  This Viewer loves a boat, except we now get such vertigo on them that we cling to walls and also, the floor, for 2 months after any manner of boat trip.  We become depressed by our disability, which gets us through listening to the Crow chirp cheerfully about love, and All The Feelings, and how she could see this as their life together.   

Then this happens, which causes us to stop listening to the Crow forever and ever amen:  “My dad left when I was six months old, and then my mom was forced to work full time.”

We at the BNU firmly believe that everyone should have the life that they want.  But at the same time, no one ever says about a man, “Oh, his wife left/died and he was forced to work full time.”  We bare our teeth at The Crow and the pile of assumptions built into her statement.   

Oblivious to our growl, the Crow feels reassured and “confident that I am going to marry McConaughey.”  They celebrate by jumping into the ocean off the side of the boat, and then going to dinner, at which she wears a horrible lime green towel dress with strings on top and a leg slit on the bottom.

McConaughey thinks it’s absolutely crazy that The Crow would think of giving up the career she has built for herself in Chicago and moving to Arlington.   The Crow, for her part, talks about the hardship of being apart from McConaughey.

“It just gets harder and harder,” says The Crow.
“That’s what she said,” whispers KMu.
“I think the one thing that is a disadvantage is that I haven’t seen it yet,” says The Crow.
“Its… it’s small,” says McConaughey.

Cackles erupt from the BNU Peanut Gallery.

McConaughey continues to question The Crow about Arlington.  Lo, for he spends “a lot of time by myself.”  To which The Crow responds that would she want to look on a map and say “I want to be here with 400 other people?  Probably not.  But I’ve always wanted to be a wife and mom, and I am not fully happy in my career.” She then says that if she moves to Arlington, she would just have babies and that would be her career.  

But what if it doesn’t happen that way, Crow?   Life does not always work the way you plan. 

We feel bad for her, as McConaughey gives her the overnight card.

Last up is Hemingway for Date #3.  She emerges from the Forest “Like Dolly Pemily on an elephant,” concludes KMu.  As she walks across a bridge towards McConaughey, she is consumed with worry because “I am a virgin and this is going to come up.” Yes, in so many ways.

So this is the date where they tour the local rice paddies, pretend to play with children in the street so that she can see what a good father McConaughey will make, and then visit a village medium.  Good Grief.

As they sit across from the medium, McConaughey solemnly asks, “Are we meant to be together?”
An interpreter tells him: “You are a ‘very good couple.’”
“THE MEDIUM JUST USED AIR QUOTES.” Declares KMu. 

McConaughey then asks the medium what Hemingway’s “biggest weakness” is, to which he responds that Hemingway is “hard to control.”  We have no words.   As the medium advises them to “make love facing west” this evening, Hemingway laughs nervously. 

So off we go to dinner, and Hemingway is wearing two skirts as a dress. 

We don’t know what is going on here. It is like a lampshade.  There is a lot of ruching going on… in a circle.  We at the BNU want to know where one even finds a dress like that, a question which inexorably leads us back to the only viable conclusion:  That it is, again, two skirts.

Blah blah, they talk about Hemingway’s visit to Arlington:
“I got out of the car and was thinking, this is Real Small….” Says Hemingway. 
Then, when the fantasy suite card comes, Hemingway finally has The Virginity Talk with McConaughey.
“This is a big day for us.  A big day.  A big deal.” He says.
“Trust me, it’s big,” says KMu.
“She is at a distinct disadvantage,” observes KZi.

Hemingway tells him that she thinks she is falling in love, and we sigh again that another bachelorette is hedging her bets.  But we think McConaughey is really taken with her, so she’ll probably make it to the next round.   As this date fades into the fantasy suite, we gear ourselves up for the rose ceremony.

And suddenly, the rose ceremony day is upon us.  We see Hemingway walking along the beach in a “hugely improved” dress, observes KZi. 
“That’s because it’s actually a dress,” says KMu.

But McConaughey is troubled.  He doesn’t know what to do, and he starts to cry about the prospect of these three women meeting his family (whom we love).  He also has deep anxiety about sending a woman home that he is in love with.  Thank God for Chris Harrison, who has a completely pointless 1:1 interview with McConaughey, in which he offers no advice but concludes that McConaughey is heading in the right direction.  For McConaughey’s part, he could see himself marrying “all three of them.”

“in the next episode of Sister Wives…” says KMu.

Now we are at the rose ceremony proper, and everyone is wearing traditional Balinese attire, which makes McConaughey look like he just got his orange belt in karate.  Chris Harrison lectures him about how they are on “hallowed ground” and have various rules governing the rose ceremony this evening because of it, and we are slightly offended that a film crew is coming in to Said Ground if that is true. 

The women stand nervously.  Misty is ready to move forward with McConaughey.  The Crow is confident that the relationship will lead towards marriage.  And Hemingway is just “emotionally drained” from some conversation they apparently had the morning of their overnight date.

McConaughey suddenly stops the rose ceremony and pulls Hemingway aside.  We don’t know exactly what happens here but essentially, Hemingway clears the air from their prior secret conversation, and tells him that she believes her feelings are genuine, and not merely because of the show, which she would merely credit with introducing them to each other.  And this is Our Thing (All of Us):  We think Hemingway is sincere, and being reasonably thoughtful and cautious about the whole process, in stark contrast to The Crow, who has decided that McConaughey fits her fairytale.   

As they are talking, the Crow and Misty are hopeful that McConaughey is saying goodbye.   But NO!  They come back holding hands, and Hemingway resumes her position in the lineup. 

And he picks:

1.  The Crow
2.  Hemingway.

We feel terrible for Misty, who we really like.  She is shocked, and graceful about leaving, and heartbroken, and cries in the limo about it being the most humiliating moment of her life.  It probably isn’t, which we hope she sees down the road. 

Stay tuned for next week, when The Women Tell All.

We are almost to the end, babies!

KLo.