McConaughey Part 6: Save the Horse, Full Stop.

We rip the bandaid off McConaughey Part 6 with a Carmenere and sugar cookies.  We at the BNU need every.single.cookie. to get through Kelsey’s fake panic attack that ABC began slow-playing last week.  Here she is again, Babies, laying delicately on the floor and begging for McConaughey so that she can then miraculously recover enough to issue a scolding to him for disclosing the fact of their private conversation to the other women last week.   Meanwhile, the other women sit in stony silence except for Jade, who concludes that she “can’t hear any more of this” and picks her way delicately over Kelsey’s body on her way out.

Kelsey eventually returns to the main room, draped in The Kitty.   Oh, her “emotional burden, and all the feelings!” caused her to faint. We cry bullshittery, but are more interested in the fact that now all of the women are sitting underneath the Kitty, which has expanded its infested reach across the sofa.

The Crow holds back:  “I don’t see him giving Kelsey a rose just for this.”
ABe: “You need to learn to underestimate the men on this show.”

As Kelsey declares that she is THE WOMAN with whom Our Hero will end, the Rose Ceremony begins.  Joining Carly, The Crow, and Britt with roses from last week, six more women live to fight another day:

1. Jade

2. Misty (Fran Kardashian begins working her way up to a sob)

3.  No child Left Behind (Fran Kardashian now in full sob mode)

4. Hemingway

5. Frank Kardashian (dammit)

6. Kelsey

The Alleged Samantha and 1994 go home, with no exit interviews whatsoever.

The next morning, McConaughey is shirtless and shaving. ABe acknowledges that objectively speaking, he is Not Terrible To Look At.    Our Sugar Cookie Salute, however, quickly turns to screams when McConaughey reveals that the next stop is Deadwood, South Dakota, where he is shown taking a series of Old Timey Photos including but not limited to naked in a wash tub.

Blah blah Britt interrogates Kelsey about her relationship with McConaughey (“so now that you’ve told him about your story, you can move past it, right….?) and Kelsey declares To We The Viewing Audience that she deserves the next individual date.

So of course when the date card arrives, it is for Hemingway:  “Let’s Give Love a shot.” 

Kelsey is furious because if she is going to “commit herself more” she “needs reassurance” apparently beyond the two lengthy private conversations of the day before.  This Viewer is so tired of Kelsey that we just want to say “blah blah Kelsey blah” as a representation of all of her thoughts and feelings in McConaughey Part 6.

At any rate, this date with Hemingway is fairly normal, aside from the fact that it begins with McConaughey walking through amber waves of grain towards horses, which he and Hemingway then ride in “like, a really romantic setting,” to another field, where they picnic.  We actually like Hemingway, and appreciate that she does not act as though she just saved babies from Ebola when describing the significance of her past, apparently one-sided (her side) relationship.  They discover that they both are from large families and want large families, and also, that Hemingway is relatively normal.  They also laugh, and it is not awkward.  Hemingway gets the rose and her first kiss.  We at the BNU decide to throw our support behind Hemingway for at least one more episode.

Back at the ranch, trouble is brewing.  Carly has been vocal about her dislike of Kelsey, but the Crow decides to be more open about it.   Except that as she is talking, The Crow appears to be missing an appendage, as well as her vocal cords and possibly, her soul.

She looks like she has no arm,” says ABe.” “Oh wait, that was in a prior season.”
Oh no she didn’t.

 The Crow is frustrated with Kelsey because she said she better get a rose for her fainting fit.  Blah blah Kelsey Blah laughs nervously  and then explains that she hadn’t given herself time to “emotionally process it all” and that McConaughey’s “gesture” of walking off from the rose ceremony last week “made me feel very unsafe.”

To this little speech, The Crow gives Resting Bitch Face:

But Carly picks up with The Crow left off, explaining to Kelsey that they sometimes see a person that is “not very nice.”  Oh Carly, this Viewer once went to a sixth grade slumber party in which all of the girls decided to say what they really thought about the others. It did not turn out well.  And neither will this.

Kelsey is En Fuego to the camera:  “I get it.  I am blessed with eloquence [peter piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, bitches].  I am articulate and I use a lot of big words [like ‘discern,’ and ‘self-reflection,’ yo].  That’s because I am smart [like a FOX ladies].   And I didn’t go through all of this, the death of a spouse [the famous Sanderson Poe, ladies.  SANDERSON. POE.], loss in numerous, numerous ways [including but not limited to my job teaching children], to be ganged up on by girls in the house…”

But to Carly she says “I will be mindful, [bitch].”

Thank God a date card comes to cut the awkward.  It is for … The Crow, Jade, Britt, Misty, Carly, and No Child Left Behind (to whom the group must explain slowly that the card means she is going on a date).  Fran Kardashian and Kelsey are excited, because this means they have the 2:1 date, and both of them are convinced that the other is Going Down.

The date card reads: “Let’s make sweet sweet music.”

When this Viewer lived in Michigan, our roommate AFa kept chickens in a bunny hutch behind our trailer.  These were not Urban Chickens, babies.  These chickens were Of The Country, and also, one egg short of a dozen.  AFa also had this old, old car with the bumper chained on, which is the kind of car one has in their 20s.  It was the kind of car that would kill you with the Poison Gases if you sat in the back seat.  In any event, when it came time to butcher the Chickens, AFa put each one in a pillowcase and put them in the backseat of that car for transport.  And she drove six pooping, squalking, pillow-cased birds to meet their maker because She Is A Badass.  She was likely listening to country music at the time, because that is what we did in The Michigan.

We know that this date is Going To Be Those Chickens, and we fortify ourselves with some wine.

 So sure enough, the women must write their own country songs with the help of Big & Rich.  Yes, save a horse, ride a cowboy, babies, because the Shit Show is about to begin.

The Crow is “falling over dead” because she loves the Big & Rich.  But Jade is having a crisis because she doesn’t like performing by herself.  The person we think is “Big” makes her run outside while telling her to “speak your song.”  We sort of love him for that, and confess that Big & Rich are much more entertaining than Britt, who has plastered herself to McConaughey and is making the rest of the women feel completely uninspired to write a love song.  Says Misty, for All of Us:  “Chris’s connection with Britt is So, So Awkward.”

When the songs begin, we gasp at the accompaniment:

“One banjo to rule them all,” whispers KMu.

The songs are terrible:

McConaughey:  “It’s up here in the prairie.  That I’m trying to find a woman to marry.”
ABe: “Please don’t sing any more.”
Brit:  “I can hear that sweet sweet music. Playing in my ear whenever you’re around.”
This Viewer:  “That was not bad.”
KMu: “Except what is she wearing?  A tube top, converse sneakers, and are those jeans ripped at the thighs, or shorts with socks?”
The Crow:  “Let’s have some fun, no whining.  That’s what my date card said.”
At least this viewer thinks that is what she sang, because all we heard was a chicken in a pillowcase.

Blah blah, Misty raps about whiskey, and Carly sings a reasonably decent song because she is a cruise ship singer so of course she did.  Finally, Jade sings about gambles on love, and it is pretty terrible but we give her an A for effort.

After a series of 1:1 times that are basically a non-event, McConaughey begins his first of many Dick Moves on McConaughey Part 6 by pulling Britt aside for 1:1 time and then taking her to a Big & Rich concert while the rest of the women are left to wonder where they are for over an hour.   We at the BNU hiss in McConaughey’s direction as he then compounds his errors by giving Britt the group date rose while on stage.   Hissing turns to spitting as Big & Rich sing “save a horse, ride a FARM BOY.”  

And then McConaughey brings Britt back to the group date and the following happens: “Um, obviously you can see that I gave Britt a rose….. well I’m going to let you girls have the rest of the evening to yourselves… bye….” AND THEN HE FLEES THE SCENE.

This is too much even for Misty, who is royally pissed that they all sat around forever while Britt essentially had a 1:1 date.  She walks off crying, as the Crow rightfully expresses her annoyance that Britt gets to go do this thing that she doesn’t even care about, when there are many other women on that date, including herself, that would have been over the moon to see a Big & Rich concert. 

This date ends awkwardly, as we brace ourselves for the 2:1 date.  “Two girls, one rose.  One stays, one goes” says the Card, as it does ever season.  We barely listen, because we are distracted by the fact that Fran Kardashian is wearing a fake golden laurels headband and a cruise-ship towel animal as a shirt.  We wonder if it is meant to be a swan.

As Kelsey and Fran Kardashian get ready, KMu says for all of us: “I call this chapter mutually assured destruction.”

When this Viewer was a very young child, we were part of a mensch gymnastic duo with our sister, SHa.  I was Angel, she was Goldie, and together we sang “[KLo:] I’m angel!” [SHa:] “And I’m goldie! [Together:] Oh, I am a bouncing baby, a bouncing, a bong, Oh, I am a bouncing baby, a bouncing a booooong, oh a boooooong” while performing many varied and athletic gymnastic feats that usually ended up with someone getting injured.   

We suspect that we are now about to see Angel & Goldie played out on the Big Screen, and whisper “Papa can you hear me?”  But even Yentl cannot save us as it begins:

We all take an awkward helicopter ride to the badlands, to sit on a weird bed in the middle of a desert.  Fran Kardashian is again, so contoured that she looks like she has sideburns.  And also, she is wearing half of a leotard on this date.  Soon, she drags McConaughey away for some 1:1 time, which she spends criticizing Kelsey: “Oh, we all get along in the house awesomely.  There is zero drama.  Except for Kelsey, who is super strategic…”  Followed by awkward and forced kisses between Frannie and McConaughey.

Next up:  Kelsey.  As Fran Kardashian crows to the camera that “I’m real and she’s fake!  I’m a virgin but I’m sexy, and she is not” we grow tired.  But Kelsey is faring no better, as she lectures McConaughey about how she’s prepared to be a wife because she’s been one, so he has to decide if she’s the kind of wife he wants.

Rounding on Dick Move #500 for this episode, McConaughey tells Kelsey point blank that Fran Kardashian says she was fake.   Ok, truthfully, this Viewer is  not sure if this is A Dick Move or just awesome cluelessness paying itself forward for the BNU’s viewing pleasure.

 Kelsey bristles.  She tells McConaughey that she doesn’t want him to let go of the “potential between us because of girl talk” and then goes back to the bed-in-the-desert to stare Fran Kardashian down for like, 15 minutes.  She finally yells at Fran Kardashian, who then explodes:“You think I’m stupid just because I don’t use big words?  You and I both have our masters. And mine is from a GOOD place.” 

KMu:  “It’s not necessarily accredited, but it’s pretty good.”

Fran Kardashian then ruins whatever potentially good point she could have made by exploding in a fountain of tears and then dragging McConaughey off to talk.  Meanwhile, Kelsey is declaring her a “Kardashian who didn’t get to go on her princess date” and this Viewer is traumatized because Kelsey is thinking of Fran Kardashian Just As This Viewer and that is Not Ok. 

Blah blah Fran Kardashian sobs to McConaughey “HOW COULD YOU TELL HER” and then McConaughey continues to put his foot in his mouth by reciting that Kelsey just thought it was a difference in maturity.  Fran Kardashian proceeds to cry even harder as McConaughey gives her a perfunctory pat on the back and looks bored.  And then he dumps her. 

Back at the house, a staff person removes Fran Kardashian’s luggage and the other women are devastated. “I didn’t see that coming,” says No Child Left Behind.  Really?   And also, of course you didn’t, sweetheart.

But then, THEN, McConaughey turns to Kelsey and also dumps HER.  McConaughey, FOR THE WIN.  Kelsey then says, one more time for the road, that her story is “tragic, and inspiring, and I am immeasurably blessed.”

As this episode draws to a close, McConaughey is seen abandoning the two women in the desert, crying in their separate corners of the sky, while he flies off in a helicopter. When the staff person again comes back to remove Kelsey’s luggage, the women scream with joy and high five.  

“Chris is soooo smart!” says someone.
“Let’s get drunk!!” says Misty.
And, as Carly pours six glasses of champagne at once, one brilliant woman says FOR THE WIN:
“We are all immeasurably blessed.”

Stay tuned for next week, when ABC forces us to watch two, TWO episodes back to back (Sunday, and Monday) because Happy Valentine’s Day.

KLo.