McConaughey Part 5: And in Conclusion, My Back Is Strong

McConaughey Part 5 begins with a trip to Santa Fe, New Mexico.  No Child Left Behind is extremely excited:  She wonders if New Mexicans wear sombreros.  She also hears New Mexico is like a beach.  She has never been out of the country before, gentle readers. 

Fran Kardashian, on the other hand, is still stuck in her virgin diaries.  She concludes that she needs to “recover from the whole virgin thing” as soon as possible this week.  ABe and This Viewer immediately start screaming.  We are ready for Fran Kardashian to exit.

Date card #1 arrives, and it is for Carly:  “Let’s come together, love Chris.”  While Carly is excited, we at the BNU are extremely confused by her sweater.  “I don’t think it’s pink enough,” says ABe.” “. . . wait, it’s not a sweater.  It’ s a pink dickey with armholes.”

But suddenly she is meeting McConaughey at an abandoned house in Santa Fe, and then our world Literally Stops.  Lo, for there is a woman meditating on pillows by the pool, and that woman introduces herself as a LOVE AND INTIMACY MENTOR, a/k/a Smoove B from The Onion.   

Babies, when this Viewer was about 14 years old, we went to a Sacred Dance Guild weekend retreat.  Why?  Because when you are 14 years old, you go wherever anyone’s parent decides to drive you, and my friends’ parent was particularly into liturgical dance.  The weekend was filled with middle aged men writhing on the floor in black turtle necks and old chinos, women chanting in pinafore frocks, and also, a particularly awkward improve session where a woman acted out the ENTIRE Easter resurrection from the perspective of both Mary and Jesus.  

So it is with terror, but odd familiarity, when Smoove B makes Carly and McConaughey don karate outfits and sit back to back while breathing into each other and saying “aaaaaaaaH.”  

“Hey-hey-heyheyhey-ungoo-wah, ”  whispers this Viewer, as our feet do a little Sacred Dance Guild circle dance. 

But now Smoove B is making Carly blindfold McConaughey, and This Viewer has pulled her entire sweatshirt hood closed for protection.
We receive a text from BMa: “Holy Fifty Shades.”
“I wish I was drunk right now.  IwishIwasdrunkrightnow.  WhyamIsober????” says ABe.

And then, THEN, gentle readers, Carly must use “her breath and various fruits and chocolates” to make her way around McConaughey’s body.  “Don’t get stuck in one place, but exploooooooore everything” says Smoove B.  We are dying. Carly is dying.  Everyone at the BNU is screaming.
“Holy Shit” says ABe.
“Silly ABe, I can hear her all the way up here!” says KMu’s four year old, as KMu is putting her to bed.

But Smoove B continues:  “Pretend like it’s the first time you ever touched a body.  Smell him.  Touch and taste him.  So Carly picks up a chocolate covered strawberry and does this:

This Viewer already has extremely strong feelings about the inappropriateness of chocolate covered strawberries (They, Like Jujy Fruits, are Not A Date Food).  So at this point, we just throw up.

But now Smoove B is making Carly do the downward dog while McConaughey massages her thighs, and then, THEN she forces them to practice a “de-robing” so that they can be “transparent to their partner” because, you know, we all wear “so many masks.”

“This is the literally the worst date of my life,” says Carly, for ALL OF US.

After Carly refuses to comply with the de-robing, Smoove B tells them to “keep their pants on and just…. Speak.”  So Carly talks about the fear of not being worthy, which makes us sad for her, and then she straddles McConaughey so that as she breathes out, he can breathe in, and we can all watch it in horror from the comfort of our own homes.  And then they KISS IN FRONT OF SMOOV B. 

Babies, imagine the single most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to you.  And then double it.   That is the mental state in which this part of the date leaves the BNU.  

We are still not recovered when McConaughey takes Carly back to some lodge, where she tells him that she dated a person for 1.5 years who wouldn’t touch her, and it made her feel bad about herself.  That happened to this Viewer once.  He was in Narnia, which we should have known the instant he started talking about the new shampoo that brought out the bronze undertones in his hair.  But for the love of god Carly, that relationship was a matter of weeks, not 1.5 years.

At any rate, we do not hear the rest of what she is saying because Carly is wearing THE KITTY.  We wondered where that went to. If only it could speak….

In the end, McConaughey gives her the rose.   We like Carly, but we worry about her when she concludes that with the rose, she might finally have the opportunity to be in a “reciprocated relationship.”

We are still shaking when the next date card arrives for the group date:  “I’m rapidly falling in love.”  It’s for Jade, No Child Left Behind, The Crow, 1994, Hemingway, the Alleged Samantha, Fran Kardashian, and Kelsey (who is pouting because she “does not feel special.”)   They are going white water rafting in the Rio Grande River, an exercise for which all of the women felt it appropriate to wear leggings, instead of pants.

As “Cisco” the River Guide gives a safety talk, No Child Left Behind worries about alligators and also, dead bodies, which may be in the water.  Fran Kardashian is just excited because she’s in McConaughey’s boat.  If she was in the other boat without him, then she’d just be nervous.  Headdesk.

As they are rafting, Jade goes overboard, earning the black box over her bottom as MCConaughey hauls her to safety.  But crisis!  Jade apparently has a “special condition” where her body goes into hypothermia at normal temperatures.  Homegirl canNOT move to Iowa.  At any rate, she is completely calm and matter of fact about this as she tries to get warm while McConaughey rubs her feet, but 1994 and Kelsey are mad at Jade for stealing McConaughey’s attention.  “I would like, have the same strategy if I had her condition,” says 1994.  Seriously??   Kelsey begins to terrify all of us:  “I’m fine! FINE!  I’m not going to get any attention because I am FINE.  HA. HA. HA. HA.” Her cackle echoes across the canyon.

At the hotel later that night, drunk Jordan – who was kicked off the island in McConaughey Part 2 – springs herself on McConaughey after driving all night from Colorado and dances for her life.  The remainder of the date is consumed with the fact that McConaughey takes her back, even after he tells her that her drinking was a little much and she admits that it “still gets the best of me sometimes.”
“Did she just tell him she’s an alcoholic?” queries ABe.

Regardless, Jordan is painfully sober, like this Viewer, as the rest of the women complain to McConaughey about her presence.   Fran Kardashian, wearing a Kleenex romper and dinosaur teeth, tells him that Jordan just isn’t “wife material” like “so many of the others” left in the group.  She then tells all the other women that they should be mean to Jordan, because they don’t want her there.  The Crow throws down, telling her that she can disagree with McConaughey’s decision to keep Jordan, but it’s completely wrong to be mean to Jordan because of it.  Even as her words make our eardrums bleed, she has a point.  

In the end, the Crow gets the group date rose after a big speech about how she makes McConaughey feel special, and how he is excited for their potential (noooooooo).  McConaughey makes the decision to eliminate Jordan AGAIN because that is making a decision “like a man,” or as this viewer likes to call it, “just making a decision.” Fran Kardashian runs from the room crying with 1994 on her heels.  As Frannie cries about how “fake” The Crow is and how hurtful it was for The Crow to encourage Fran to be a reasonable human being, 1994 gently points out: “I don’t think there is anything wrong with the Crow.  You just don’t like her.”  There may be some hope for 1994 yet.

At last, at last, it is date #3 for Britt.  “Sky’s the Limit” it says, which immediately makes Britt start to cry because she is allegedly “terrified” of heights.   Carly, ever more practical, tells her that she MUST get ready for this date, including but not limited to (a) showering, (b) shaving her legs, and (c) washing her hair.  Because apparently, Britt has not done any of the above in weeks.   

Fortunately, Britt sleeps in her makeup that night “just in case,” because McConaughey drags her out of bed to go hot air ballooning.  He is just amazed, gentle readers, at how beautiful Britt looks in the morning!!!  We still like Carly, perhaps because she is the only one left to like other than maybe Jade, but we worry about how seriously upset she gets when she hears McConaughey kiss Britt awake. 

Suddenly Britt is thrilled and excited to go up in the air. 

Says KMu: “ok, so maybe she’s not DEATHLY afraid of heights.”

McConaughey thinks it’s “cute” to see how excited Britt is to ride in a hot air balloon.  She feels “safe in’ his arms and wonders at the “little animals running around” down below.

“Those are not little animals,” says KMu.  “They are actually big animals which look tiny.  Because you are in a balloon.”

McConaughey takes her back to his apartment, where she swears she wants to have 100 children some day (this is juxtaposed with Fran Kardashian informing the group “remember when ALL OF US were talking about how we just wanted to get married and have kids, and she was all ‘I just love being single?!?).  He then takes her to bed.

“Maybe it’s just heavy petting  . . .  Does anyone say that anymore?” asks KMu.

That afternoon, Britt waltzes back into the hotel to gush about her date.  “Oh, we went on a hot air balloon and then we went back to his room where we had dessert and coffee!!!!....” and this is the reaction of the women, as interpreted through the face of Hemingway:

….”And then we took a nap together!!!”

Kelsey feels like this “nap” has caused her own relationship to take a nose dive with McConaughey, and so she stalks down the hall to his room and demands an audience.   Because, gentle readers, she doesn’t think she should be sent home before she tells him she is a widow.  Really. 

As they cozy on the sofa, she begins:

“I don’t have bad news to share with you.  I’m not going anywhere.”  And then:  “I met my husband when I was 19.  We dated for three months before we knew we would get married.  He was amazing but he died in May 2013.  His name was Sanderson Poe.” We think it’s odd that she would say his full name, and then realize it is because he was an accomplished musician and so we are all supposed to be impressed because somehow that is supposed to make it more heart-wrenching that he died, and also, make HER something to be associated with such a great man.  She then springs herself on McConaughey for a first kiss.  

And then this happens, to the camera:

Kelsey:  “I’m just, AH!  Isn’t my story just amazing!  It’s so tragic, and amazing! I LOVE my story!  This is Chris’s story.  But it’s also a story about me.  This is the unfolding of someone who went through something so tragic, and now you’re all getting to watch this woman pick up the pieces of her life and grow into another person and another relationship as the love story unfolds at 8 pm on Mondays!”

Ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight, Kelsey? 
“What did he die of, hemlock?” says KMu. 

This is our conclusion about Kelsey:  She doesn’t know how to define herself except in relation to something or someone she identifies as “great,” and so now she’s playing out the threads of a meta-narrative about her quest for love, in order to avoid having to go home and be just a school counselor in texas that married really young.  And that makes us sad for her.  And terrified for McConaughey.

 At any rate, it moves McConaughey.  As the cocktail party begins that night, McConaughey begins to make a speech but then gets choked up as he reveals his conversation with Kelsey that afternoon, and runs from the room.   The other women circle around to Kelsey, who swears that she had “every intention of telling you all at the cocktail party that I had talked to McConaughey.  I just needed to tell my story somewhere that it couldn’t be interrupted.  You know, to HONOR Sanderson.” 

The Crow has sucked in both sides of her cheeks.

Kelsey continues, all false wisdom and solicitude:  “It is very difficult for McConaughey to make a decision, but he knows what he needs to do.  Every day is a gift.  And our time is precious.  And we should never take it for granted.  It means that this is a man that respects us so much that he’s not going to waste our time.  It will be hard to say goodbye to people …. I mean, I’m not going to say goodbye, or maybe I will, I really don’t know, ….

Says ABe:  “She is really starting to freak me out right now.”
KMu:  “Just now?”

And then all hell breaks loose.  Fran Kardashian is crying again because Kelsey got to talk to McConaughey and Kelsey’s story was way WORSE than anything Fran Kardashian could have come up with, and Kelsey storms out of the room…. And is found hysterically crying on the floor of the hallway, claiming that she is having a panic attack.

This Viewer cries bullshit, as no one having a panic attack delicately lies on their back with their legs discretely closed and knees together.

And then ABC says “To be continued.”

DAMMIT.