McConaughey Part 7: Where Heels And Prairie Meet

Gentle readers, this Viewer was in SHa’s kitchen, rummaging around for cheeses when PHa, the only winged member of SHa’s family, dive-bombed us screaming “I’M A MOTHER F*ING BIRD!!”  This Viewer nearly dropped her cheeses, and also a deuce, on the linoleum floor.  And so it began:  the THREE HOUR Bachelor Part 7.   

First up is 1:1 with Kelsey, wearing a Turkish towel as a sundress.  She is shocked to have been so “controversial” and, after a pregnant pause, insists that she did not believe she was smarter than the other girls.  But oh, the panic attack!  It was only because she was so “flooded” with “all the emotions,” babies.  We do not know if she is going to come to the Women Tell All, as she is afraid it will be a “crucifixion.”  

SHa, our extremely reluctant viewing partner, interrupts:   “Now she’s making herself a Christ figure?   I don’t know if I can make it through this… I feel like I’m already crawling in the desert.”

But next up in the interviews is McConaughey, going on about all the women that he has either eliminated or with whom he has had various Moments.  Which would be all of them.  Blah blah, we walk through Crazy Eyes, Kei$ha and Jordan’s drunkenness, and the only diversity on this season past episode 3, a/k/a the black bar across the backside of Britney, Bitch.  We begin to drink ourselves. 

 But wait, we are not done with the pre-show, because now we have a moment with The Prosecutrix, talking about “what went wrong” with Everyman.  Which is that neither felt loved and supported by the other, and now there is so much hurt that they cannot talk.  Sigh.  “KLo, this is the prettiest cry I have ever seen,” says SHa.  We marvel that the snot gently glistens, instead of swinging low and wide like on this Viewer when she has The Ugly Cry, usually under her desk.

Now the actual episode begins:  McConaughey is getting ready in his 50 shades of grey tie as the women scream during a carriage ride through town towards the rose ceremony.  Oh dear, McConaughey is having a hard time because the next stop is Iowa, and Will He Be Worthy of the womens’ love once they see his Humble Abode?  We don’t know, as the only interesting bit of the rose ceremony is when No Child Left Behind says she doesn’t feel like their relationship is advancing, and takes herself out.  We are surprised by her sudden display of grace, and raise our glass to her.

Meanwhile, Chris Harrison has come in to say “one more of you…. Will be going home tonight.” Suddenly the remaining ladies begin freaking out, including but not limited to Carly, who “is going to puke.  Or maybe cry.”  Which is exactly how this Viewer felt upon learning that this episode was three hours long.  But McConaughey saves the day when he says he has reconsidered axing another woman this evening, and so the six remaining contestants are now ALL going to “a place that is very near and dear to me.  Some might call it ‘God’s Country.’”
SHa.  “Ah, his fertile tracts of land.” 
          “To Plow his Field.”
         “To hoe them potatoes.”
“YES! YES! YES!” says Carly.

Off we go to Iowa.  Where Carly is amazed that it contains The Nature: “Wow, I did not expect Iowa to be so pretty.  There are like, trees.  And they are, like, changing colors!”  We love her, but Judas.

So the first date card comes for Jade:  “Join me in my hometown.”  Ooooo.  Jade skips out of the hotel in her little anklet boots, and we wonder how this is going to go.   But soon we see a country road, and then a dirt road, and then corn everywhere, and then this Viewer becomes jealous of Jade because we legit love the Iowa. 

Although Jade is also from a small town, she is surprised by how seriously small Arlington is, and also, that the few businesses that speckle the downtown, are now all closed.  This is only marginally better than our own hometown, in which most of the downtown had closed and then reopened as a church before we got a Hacienda, a movie theater, and the yuppies moved in with their stone wheat bread, bicycle carriages, and earth-sustainable craft beers.  We are therefore unmoved, and choose to focus on the fact that McConaughey named his cows Jessica and Bennett, which we call that a “win.”

McConaughey takes Jade to a high school football game, where the entire town is currently located, and we catch a glimpse of his mother.  STOP THE PRESSES.  We love McConaughey’s mother, who is glorious in her ball cap and good common sense, swinging a cow bell over her head in support of the home team. We remember her from Season Prosecutrix, and wish she would get her own show.

At any rate, high school football was of course a passion of Our Hero, which we learn as McConaughey swings Jade against the lockers outside his old English class for a smooch.
“Clearly, they need more places to make out in this town.” Says SHa.

Blah blah, they kiss in the middle of the football field and she tells him not to be ashamed of his town, for All Of Us.

Meanwhile, a date card has come for The Crow:  “Let’s look for love in Des Moines.” We hope that this is a visual, instead of oral, exercise.  Our hopes rise still further when we learn that the first part of the date will be visiting an art gallery, where they presumably do not have to talk.  Except DAMMIT, she goes skreetchity when McConaughey announces that they are going to go “document their life” together by taking photos around town.  In which they kiss in Every. Single. One.  

So McConaughey takes The Crow to a bar, presumably to drown her out, and we discover two things: (1) she has killed the state puff marshmallow man and strung his bones around her neck, and (2) McConaughey likes “a lot of things about” her, including that she “speaks with her heart.”

“In the most f*ing annoying voice ever,” says KMu, over the interwebs.

But then a strange thing happens.   After we get through some incredibly awkward questioning by three of McConaughey’s friends who just “happen” to be at the bar, we learn that The Crow lost her mother when she was about 19 years old to a routine medical procedure that went wrong, and that she never knew her dad, and so she has no family whatsoever. Which is why she is looking for someone with a strong family life to marry.  And, in a demonstration that she’s actually come to terms with it all, she says this without losing her shit, in a very matter of fact way. 

In spite of ourselves, our grinchy, grinchy heart grows two sizes for The Crow until this happens:

McConaughey: I can’t wait for her to see what I still have in store for her today.”
SHa:  “That didn’t come out right.”

And then we see a mural on the wall which looks NOTHING like them but which causes The Crow to reach a pitch that is only heard by dogs and also, little babies:   “SHUT UP!  NO WAY!  ARE YOU SERIOUS!  AH’M GONNA CRY!!” AH STILL CAN’T BELIEVE THAT THEY PAINTED US! ON THE WALL!”

This naturally causes her to fall in love in the moment.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Jade is telling the other women about her date, and Britt spontaneously breaks into tears because she is so overcome with the emotion of whatever Jade is describing.  Carly says, for all of us:  “Britt thinks this is the Bachelorette, and she wants to be #1.” 

Except she says it like this:

When all the women all express disappointment that Jade is the only one to see Arlington, Carly hatches a scheme to go on a road trip.  Britt initially balks because she thinks Chris would want to be the one to unveil that treasure for the first time to the women, but then reverses course when Carly tells her she can just stay home then.  Carly, FOR THE WIN. 

Soon, they are all driving to Arlington in a giant black SUV and “wooooo”ing out the window. 
“Someone needs to like, flash their boobs or something.  This was a missed opportunity,” says SHa.

Eventually, the women find a Methodist church, which deeply moves Carly because there is a picture of Jesus inside, which is the same picture of Jesus on the wall of her grandparents’ house.  We suspect that this is the same Jesus which this Viewer also received circa 1982 on a little flashcard from her own church:  White male, nose of a roman god, flowing brown hair, soulful expression off to stage right in his long-lashed, endlessly hazel eyes.  In other words, the same picture which caused many a Midwestern, Protestant teenage girl to fall in love with the first long-haired Birkenstock wearing college boy with which they crossed paths because he Just Seemed Like Home.  Talk about Daddy issues, babies.

In any event, Carly is predictably moved: Now that she has seen Jesus, she knows she can raise her children here.   As we drive out of town, we see confirmation of this simple truth in a roadside sign:  “Arlington, Where Heels and Prairie Meet.” 

We have no words, so rapidly are the unprintable jokes springing to mind.

In short order, Date Card #3 comes, for Britt, Carly, and Misty:  “I Ce Our Future Together” it says.  Someone figures out that this means skating. But trouble is brewing because while Britt acts like she is thrilled to be going on this date, she revealed An Ugly Truth while visiting Arlington:  That she could never, ever, ever, ever get back together with that place.  However, she earned the mistrust of the remaining women forever when she then told them all, while back at the hotel, that she had some kind of spiritual experience while looking at the sunset on the way out of dodge. 

Carly expresses herself via handpuppet: “Tomorrow, Britt is going down and Carly will RIIIIIIISE.”

But we are all soon distracted because another fact has come out into the open, for which we are very grateful, on many levels, that Carly does not act out via puppet.  To wit, Jade reveals to Carly that she once did some nude modeling for Playboy, which was a pretty bad decision that harmfully impacted her family.  And we feel bad for Jade in that moment, and angry at the permanency in the media’s exploitation of women who make stupid mistakes without fully realizing their consequences.  As 

Carly says, for all of us, “It’s one thing to be a guy and be like, ‘cool, yeah, and another to be like ‘hey mom, don’t google my wife.’”

We feel tired, and ready for the group date to be over.   Britt, who seems to have increased the amount of makeup on her face in homage to Fran Kardashian, is anxious about her interactions with McConaughey.  She wisely chooses to wear a midriff bearing top to the ice rink, where everyone falls a great deal and pretends to have fun with each other shooting goals with hockey sticks.

In short order, Britt finds time to steal McConaughey away to express how “rough” the week was for her because she felt special to get a rose before, but now is uncertain.  Oh, and she saw fairies, rainbows, and a life together when they visited his hometown.  When Carly spends her own 1:1 time telling McConaughey what ‘really happened’ with Britt when she visited Arlington the prior day, he is shattered. 

As soon as the group goes back to a bar for the end of their date, Britt steals McConaughey for some 1:1.   We are distracted by the fact that she is wearing leggings as pants, together with exactly one half of a long-sleeved aerobics leotard with the shoulders cut out.   Already dressed to dance for her life, Britt insists that she is excited to bring McConaughey back to meet her family, where they eat off each other’s paper plates.

McConaughey fishes:  “So, what was your first impression of Arlington?”
Britt: “Well, I like to reinvent myself, and I’ve been SO MANY THINGS in my life, and so Iowa seems like a good thing to try.”
This Viewer cringes.
McConaughey tries again:  “Um, was there ever a moment when you were like, ‘no way!’” ?
Britt says no, and we are a little heartbroken for McConaughey but also relieved.

At the end of this date, McConaughey gives Misty the rose after an amazing moment of talking past each other, as Misty keeps telling him that she needs more time with him, and he keeps telling her that all she needs to know is how he feels.  Rage.  In any event, we like Misty more and more, but the fact that McConaughey gives her the rose, sends Britt into a rage.

Britt licks her lips, rolls her eyes, and does the “oh no you didn’t” head shake.  We become a little nervous for McConaughey, who is trying to stumble through an explanation to everyone as to why he gave Misty the rose, when Britt interrupts.  “Kaitlyn, I love you.  And I get why you got the rose. But I ENVISION MYSELF AS YOUR WIFE AND WILL NOT COME IN SECOND.”  Ok, this Viewer is editorializing a little, but Britt does manage to throw a tantrum for not getting the group date rose, and it is exhausting.

Misty tells Britt that her comments made Misty feel awful, and Carly is just happy that McConaughey could see Britt’s implosion.  As Britt cries about being “perceived” as selfish, we learn that we must wait until tomorrow to learn who gets kicked off the island.

So stay tuned, Gentle Readers.  

We will be back on Tuesday with the continuation of this trauma.

KLo