McConaughey Part 8: Soldier Boy

We are back in Iowa for McConaughey Part 8, and a John Tesh version of Highway to Heaven is playing in the background.  Just like that, we jump into a 1:1 date with Hemingway, who is wearing one of those horrible peplum shirts that everyone will cringe about 10 years from now.  

McConaughey begins the date by “taking her back to his place,” a/k/a ginormous loft, where they talk on the sofa and his hand is so far up her thigh we cannot look away.

Hemingway freaks McConaughey out a little when she explains that she was not in love with her prior, four year on-and-off boyfriend and has in fact, never been with anyone.  We think that’s perfectly fine.  We also appreciate that she tells him if he proposed right now, she probably wouldn’t say yes at this very moment in the process, but that things are going in the right direction.  Go, Hemingway!  We are A Fan until McConaughey takes her up to the roof to makeout as the sun sets. 

There was a period of this Viewer’s life where a variety of her married friends received air brushed tropical island love scene t-shirts from the “T Shirt Man” at the mall upon the joyous occasion of their union.  McConaughey and Hemingway’s attempt at a recreation of this iconic scene, does not float our island parasol.

Speaking of airbrushing, Jade has had some kind of accident back at the hotel:

We do not know what is going on here, with the tiny tiny legs.  She may have sat on a little leaguer.  

In any event, Jade, the Crow and Carly are talking about Britt’s meltdown of the prior night when Britt walks in and announces that she has packed her things.  Gentle readers, she is tearful when she recounts how she opened her heart to him and was all prepared for him to meet her family, except then he didn’t give her the group date rose and her whole world shattered. 

Carly, for All Of Us, says: “It seems really petty that not getting a single rose would change your feelings.”

But no, Britt is going home.  And nothing will change her feelings on that.  Although she will let McConaughey explain himself.  Which might change things.  But really, no, it probably won’t. But she’s open to reconsidering.  

Dear Britta Filters, we need brinksmanship neither in our government nor our Bachelor.  Love, KLo.

 Later in the evening, we have a summary of where each woman is in this process.  The Crow, in a pale pink skort creation displaying her Purity, is ready for McConaughey to meet her family.  Jade, on the other hand, says “I am worried because I have yet to tell him about my nude modeling.”   

Meanwhile, Britt, dressed like a red cupcake wearing a bolo tie, is planning a Big Moment In Which She May Say Goodbye.  This is not going to go well for any of them.

But apparently, least of all for Britt.  Chris Harrison announces that there will be no cocktail party, and Britt begins deep breathing.  McConaughey begins his “I am about to hand out roses” speech and she interrupts, pulling him aside for yet another private talk.  Misty calls it like a pro, saying that Britt either wants validation that she should still be here, or the first word on her way out.  The Crow snaps, noting that Britt keeps acting like she is the only one feeling vulnerable, but they all are and none of the rest of them are acting like twits about it.  Preach, Crow.  WHAT IS HAPPENING TO US?!?

In any event, Britt adopts her worldy, gentle, I-went-back-to-school-to-study-poetry-and-date-a-yogi persona, and we get very tired.  But we can count on the Farm Boy to cut through it.  As Britta Filters begins with her whole “is there something you want to tell me?” (instead of, you know, saying she wants to leave), she is suddenly faced with the Farm Boy instead of the Six Fingered Man.  He says he doesn’t want the way she acted in his life, and as she starts to brink it up again about how maybe she SHOULD leave, he essentially says “As You Wish” and walks her out.  

And soon, she is doing the ugly cry in her little valentine’s day dress on the curb outside the rose ceremony.  As she sobs about being a victim, we can only say that Life is Pain, Highness.  Anyone who says differently, is selling something.

 We are temporarily relieved, until McConaughey begins giving out roses.  Joining Misty in the first championship round is:
1. The Crow
2.  Hemingway
3.  Jade.

Noooooooo.  CARLY GOES HOME.  We are sad for her, as she slides back into fatalism:  “I always end up in the exact same place.”  Sigh. 

Just like that, we head to Shreveport, LA to see Hemingway on her home town date.  She does the whole monkey clip hug thingy as they meet in a park, and we are unimpressed.  Lo, for she is wearing an entire red shower curtain as a top, hanging by the rod across her shoulders.  In a non-sequitor, she says “this is going to be interesting, because me being a virgin, my family has never seen me like this!” which apparently is meant to mean excited about a relationship.  Which really has nothing to do with the state of her downtown, but whatever.

Anyway, after a walk and quick canoe ride (“sha la la la la kiss de girl,” whispers KMu via text), we go home to meet the family:  Dad Chris, Mom Nancy, older sister Katie and her husband Jacob.

KMu and ABe still cannot get over the shirt:
“I mean, her outfit looks like pirate meets flamenco meets a curtain…,” says KMu.
“Meets Puffy Shirt,” interjects ABe.
“Never have I been more grateful for spaghetti straps,” concludes KMu.

So the family basically does what we in the Midwest call The Cock Block.
Wow, we’ve never seen Hemingway bring a guy home, and it’s so weird!!” says sister Katie. “It was a complete surprise when you had your hand on her knee.  She would have ripped it off before. She’s just not an intimate person.  She’s NEVER been.” Mother Nancy continues, “Hemingway’s never had a serious relationship before….”

And then THIS happens in 1:1 time between Hemingway and Katie:
“What happens when you go to the fantasy suite?   Even if you do decide to ‘order room service,’ are you going to say, “look, let’s have a good night, but this sugar donut is going to be the excitement for the evening?”

Which only has the effect of This Viewer both wanting a sugar donut, and also, feeling disturbed for her desire for the same.

McConaughey says he is “enlightened” by this visit, but not put off.   The date ends with him whisking Hemingway away to a closed state fair to ride the ferris wheel.   While This Is How People Die, we think it’s sweet that Hemingway says (to the camera) that she is hesitant to call it love because she’s never said that before, but if it IS love, it would be traced back to this moment.

Next up is Chicago with The Crow.  OOooo, it is The Big City.  We note that the Crow is wearing a complicated coat and also, little booties.  We hate the little booties but cannot disparage the Coat.  Lo, for This Viewer made a tactical error and forgot to Masquerade As A Big City Lawyer when we came to The Big City a few days ago.  Consequently, we may or may not now be seen wearing an ear flap hat with tassles, complementing a white pashmina and purple puffy coat which May Or May Not Match one or both of the following: (1) our glasses, and (2) our hair, as we scuttle to and from work like the biggest tragedy that ever came from Big Law.  

This date makes us nervous.  The Crow has decided to show McConaughey her world, instead of just Chicago, as his sisters live in the town already and he is familiar with it.   So she says:

“Let’s go make a baby!”

Dead. Silence.  And then we all sort of recover as The Crow actually takes McConaughey to work and makes him change into scrubs.  Blah blah, he and The Crow talk about how “hot” the other is in their scrubs, because that is apparently what they think instead of “bless it, expandable pants!!!” like this Viewer.

The Crow takes McConaughey into the “room where all the magic happens,” (ABe nearly chokes on her wine, across the interwebs), and encourages him to “put his male specimen in the cup.”  The only, ONLY thing that could be more awkward about this moment is if he were to open one of the many adult magazines laying around, and see a picture of Jade.

McConaughey is “pretty confident my soldiers are marching,” and we are just glad it all appears to be a joke.  THIS TIME.

Off we go to meet The Crow’s sister Kimberly, brother in law Matt, Uncle Johnny, and Grandma.  We love love love Uncle Johnny, who tells McConaughey that The Crow is just like one of his kids, because she’s the age of my son.”  They bond over how The Crow is “vulnerable, yet strong.” 

But soon, Kimberly is ready to Cut A Bitch.  In private time with The Crow, she says “look, I know this is perfect to you and all, but could you really, REALLY live there in that small town?” And then also, to McConaughey, “I’ll give you my blessing to marry my sister when she’s the only one standing, and not one of four.”   The Crow is rattled, and we feel bad for her, except grateful for her sister at the same time.  It is always the siblings that pull one back into reality when one begins dating the man with the ferret in his bathroom, or the one who just can’t decide between you and the secret girlfriend back at home.

After this somewhat awkward dinner, The Crow makes a grand announcement.  In private time with McConaughey, she tells him that she bought some wine years ago thinking that she would share it with the person she was going to marry.  And now she wants to share it with him, because she is sure that this is true.  His response? “Boy that feels great to hear The Crow say she loves me.” 

Oh Dear.  The Crow better save some of that wine back.

Soon we are at Date #3, which begins in a back alley beside a pile of trash.  Misty walks out from behind a dumpster to tell him, “Yo, you took me to Costco, so I’m like ‘dumpsters and a back alley for you!’”  Ha ha, we love her a little bit.

Misty takes McConaughey to a recording studio, where we see a POC and cannot contain our excitement.  Except that they then write a rap, and he is legitimately terrible:

“I’m going down the rapids. 
My heart is beatin’ fast.
I hope I don’t fall out.
So I can make love last.”

His comment that he is a farmer, not a rapper, is like the world’s biggest understatement. 

But Misty is nice about it, and takes him home to an environment in his comfort zone:  A table with a giant FIRE IN THE MIDDLE. 
“You can roast wieners at that table,” says SHa, beside me.
SHa and I decide to crack one open and celebrate with Misty’s family:

So here we are with Misty’s parents and their respective new spouses, as well as her sister Haley.  We don’t see much of this dinner, except that in 1:1 time between Misty and her Mom, the Mom is so lovely and loving towards her daughter.  We heart parents everywhere.  Except crisis:  Misty’s mom is worried that Misty will be “waiting for the other shoe to drop,” like it did in Misty’s past relationship, and she doesn’t want her to get hurt.

We also don’t want anyone getting hurt, which is a distinct possibility when Misty ends their date by taking McConaughey to an abandoned dark alley in the warehouse district…. To see an electronic billboard that says “Misty hearts Chris.”  We are pretty sure this is a stripper billboard, but ok, A for effort.

Our last stop is Gering, Nebraska, with Jade.  Jade is nervous because, in case we missed it, she did some NUDE MODELING and HAS NOT TOLD CHRIS. 

“This is entirely new information!” says This Viewer.
“Wait, Jake is a Pilot?” says ABe, in a salute to seasons past.

So we meet Jade’s dad, his fiancé, her two brothers, and her mom.  And you know what, we love this family too.  Dad wins big points as he tells McConaughey that Jade lives from her heart, “and there is nothing wrong with that. But for a lot of her boyfriends, that’s hard for them.”  And he tells Jade  so fiercely that she deserves the best, and that she should never feel bad to be who she is, and also, that she should be with someone who loves her as she is.

This Viewer is going to wear her purple coat-pashmina-earmuff hat combo with pride, today, Babies.  We Are Who We Are, With All Our Disabilities.

But back to the date.  Oh oh oh, Gentle Readers, this is so awkward.  Jade finally tells him that she has posed for Play Boy, and asks him if he wants to SEE THE PHOTOS.  And so, for a very long and awkward moment, we watch them watching Jade.  McConaughey is like, “I did not know where to look, or what to say.”   But then he says the right thing – that this does not make him feel differently about her, and that she should not feel bad about doing this.  She is a beautiful woman, etc, and he is looking to fall in love with the woman, not with her past.  We do not know if this is true, but it is nice.

For the win, he concludes, “I was waiting for Jade to come out of her shell, and then I saw her, … completely out of her shell…”

As this date ends and we fade into the Rose Ceremony, THE PRESSES STOP.   Babies, the final rose ceremony is in Dubuque, IA.  Where we have been for Work Items repeatedly, including but not limited to While Blogging This Show.  And also, we have EATEN AT THE RESTAURANT WHERE THE CEREMONY IS TAKING PLACE.  TWICE.  And it was DELICIOUS.  

This Viewer’s worlds have just collided, and we are having difficulty forming words.  As we sit, speechless, McConaughey picks:

1. The Crow, with the worst horsey hair in history
2. Misty
3. Hemingway

Jade goes home, which we secretly think is because she is wearing a dress that has exactly one lacy full length sleeve.   But he tells her instead that she was a “gift” in his life, and that relationships with other women were progressing faster.   Well done, McConaughey. 

As Jade cries in the limo, we fast forward to next week, when we all go to Bali for the fantasy suite dates.  

We are looking forward to sleeping between now and then. 

-KLo