Bachelorette Part Prequel: Rose In a Box

Gentle readers, though we no longer own a television (R.I.P. ‘82 Sony), this Author has Not Been Ignorant Of the previewish promotion for the Bachelorette, in which Chris Harrison has insisted that Kaitlyn and Britt continue to maintain control over the entire situation even as this season begins with a fight to the death between the two of them for who will continue as bachelorette.   We cast a hairy eyeball then, but like Sadie Hawkins at a junior high dance, we do so again when Chris Harrison finally admits that the show actually chose to have two bachelorettes for a Hot Second to give the men “the ultimate decision.” 

Let’s meet them:  Kaitlyn and Britt.  Kaitlyn likes to tell dirty jokes, lost her heart to McConaughey earlier in the year, and is wearing a reasonable blue sequin with nude heels.  Britt is an “intense” hugger that is very into soulful gazing and has chosen to dress like a ghost made from Kleenex and a lollypop for the opening episode.  Both are nervous.  KMu and This Author are nervous.  And also, if Britt gets picked to go forward, we will chop off our fingers.

Because we hate this episode (All of It) and its attendant Blogging Challenges, ABC then awkwardly segues into an introduction to the men who will by vying for one of their hands once they, you know, decide who to pick for their dodgeball team.  We meet:

1.  Jonathan, a/k/a John Legend, who works in automotive in Detroit and has a five year old son that we sincerely hope he did not just borrow from his mother for the “daddy and me” segment of this episode.

2.  Bart Simpson, an insurance salesman from The South with “douchebag hair” (says KMu) and a super fat dog.  But he likes horses, which this Author never liked in Junior High or Otherwise.   One of our randomly and very unfortunately selected college roommates cemented our “Meh” towards horses by posting pictures of horses and bible verses all over her part of our room, including a giant galloping stallion with “trust god” underneath it.  

3. Josh, a 27 year old recent graduate from law school with a “focus on criminal defense” and who is now apparently studying for the bar.   But he needs to pay the bills so he also is A STRIPPER, which he calls the “Best Job Ever” and we certainly cannot dispute must be better than the practice of law.  And then ABC treats us all to a lap dance performed to the “Idle-diddle-daidle” portion of If I Were a Rich Man.

KMu and this Author watch Josh the Stripper for Justice five times, and then another time for good measure when ABe shows up and promptly causes A Stripping-Related Incident at the BNU:

   

Gentle readers, Josh calls himself “A Male Dancer.” Truly.   We think of all the times men have asked us “Oh, you used to be a dancer?  What KIND of dancer?” because we live in That Kind of Town and this is apparently a socially acceptable question to ask a woman one doesn’t know.  Fortunately, this no longer happens because we wear orthotics and mom jeans and no one’s imagination stretches that far.  But, allowing ourselves a moment of rage, we note that if there is ever any confirmation of the double standard in law, it is that a male lawyer could literally strip for a living and have it be a quirky side bar on his resume, but a woman with the same background would pretty much be run out of a firm.       

4. Next up is A Horrible Singer from Nashville, also known as 33-year-old Brady. 
“I hate him,” says ABe. 

“Don’t lead me ooooooon,” Brady croons.

“Shit he is soulful. I really hate him.”  reiterates ABe.

5.  Joshua, an industrial welder and farm boy from Kuna Idaho, who we reluctantly admit is cute.   He welds a rose for Kaitlyn and we are torn between appreciating his skill and deep knowledge that we, ourselves, would not want such a knickknack in the house.

6. Ian, a 28 year old pile of hotness from Venice Beach who was an all-star runner at Princeton and then was hit by a car and left for dead.  He rebuilt his body, going from a wheelchair to running again despite being told he never would.  As someone who never quite made it that far after our own dance injuries (which were Not Related to the Pole), we are both happy for him and begin to eat our feelings.

7. . Jared, a restaurant manager from Rhode Island.  He made a super-hero t-shirt and wants to “rescue” Kaitlyn.  We want to shave his face and send him back to Chick-Fil-A.

8.  Tony, a 35-year-old “spiritual healer,” also known as That One Guy That All of Us Have Regretfully Dated.  “Shit shit shit not This Guy,” says ABe for All Of Us. Babies, he specializes in “flexibility therapy.” His job is “healing,” because he has “always been sensitive.”  We see him stretching some poor dude out on a massage table, and then kissing a bonsai tree.  “I am definitely unique” says he.  We cry bullshit.

9.  Our last man preview is of Ben, a personal trainer from San Jose who we reluctantly admit has improved with age when we are treated to photos of his circa college.   Former football player, tragic loss of mother at age 14, likes to run with his shirt off.

So at this point, we were thinking that the meetings had, you know, started.  But suddenly Chris Harrison rips us back to the “present,” where Britt and Kaitlyn are standing awkwardly on two different sidewalks 20 feet apart from each other outside the bachelorette mansion, trying to make the best of their situation.  Britt chirps that this is “like an experiment!”  Our girl Kaitlyn looks like she’s gonna cutta bitch.

Limo #1 arrives and it holds (Dear Baby Jesus we have to start making another list):

1. Another Ben, who works with software.  Gentle readers, he and Britt have sponsored children together.  “Like, for 10 cents a day?” says KMu.   They are going to write a letter together to a sponsored child during the cocktail hour.

2.  John Legend, who barely acknowledges Kaitlyn. 

3.  Clint the architect, who also barely acknowledges Kaitlyn.  “Well this is awkward,” says She, for the Entire BNU.

4.  Ryan a Realtor, who literally says “Hi Disney princess” to Britt. We hate him.

5.  Jared the restaurant manager, who announces that he has an superhero alter-ego, “Love Man.”  We understand why he is single.

6.  Kupah a/k/a LL Cool Jay.  Again, he devotes his time to Britt.  Kaitlyn begins to cry in her off-stage interview.

Shortly thereafter, we have Limo #2 containing:

7.  Brady the terrible singer from Nashville.

8.  Cory, a residential developer from Texas.  Meh.

9. Ian, the hotness, who walks over to Kaitlyn and whispers, “I am hoping it’s going to be you, and I’m going to make sure it is.”  SWOON.  The Tides Are Turning for Kaitlyn!!

10.  Some person named JJ, who approaches Kaitlyn thusly:  “I’m not from Canada, but I’ve played ice hockey my whole life and I’d really like to puck you.”  Hahahah. 

11.  Ryan, a “Junkyard specialist.” Enough said.  

12. Some kind of tennis player.  

13.  Daniel, a fashion designer who is not gay.

14.  Josh the Male Dancer, who begins to take his clothes off.  “Britt, you can HAVE this one,” says Kaitlyn.

15.  Bart Simpson, who brings Kaitlyn some moonshine.  Ladies and Gentlemen, this may be the first season ever where a contestant goes blind.

16.  Another Josh, who is some kind of fitness trainer.  He brings Kaitlyn balloons.

17.  Tanner an “auto finance manager” who brings Britt Kleenex.  Maybe she needs to fix her dress.

18.  Shawn the personal trainer.  Who is like a Midwestern version of Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend Calvin Harris and, though we hate to admit it, attractive.  Britt is giddy because something about him, other than his hair, is “just gold.”  And then he walks over to Kaitlyn and says “you are the reason I am here.”  Burn.

At last we have limo #3, consisting of:

19. Another real estate agent named David.

20.  Cory or Corey.  Whatever. He is a competitive beach volleyball player who later reveals himself to be a dirtbag.   Spoiler Alert.

21 . The Flexibility Healer, who has somehow picked up a black eye before this episode aired.  He stares deeply into Britt’s eyes and says “I believe in love.  The real kind.”  And then calmly walks over to Kaitlyn:  “I believe in love.  The real kind.”  Now we  understand  how he got the black eye.

22.  Some dude who is an “amateur sex coach.”  He shows up in a hot tub car, but his intro is spoiled by one of the Ryans, who is now stunningly drunk.

23.  A dentist who drives up in a cupcake mobile.  “Is there enough wine for this episode?” wonders KMu.

24.  The farmer/industrial welder from Idaho.  Aaaaaan.

25. Ben the personal trainer.

Says Britt, “I don’t want the first night to be the last night!!!”
“I Do,” says this Author.

The remainder of this episode may be summed up thusly: 

  

We hate Cory/Corey the residential developer because he thinks that Britt is a “trophy wife” but Kaitlyn is your “wife.”  We also hate the volleyball player for the following:  “Do you choose the one that you like, or do you choose the one that likes YOU the most, because what you really need is the one who likes you the most if you are going to advance.”  Fuckwit.  Meanwhile, Britt is looking for a “fairy princess adventure partner,” says KMu.  Fortunately, she may have found him in The Healer, who explains to Britt that he felt very “centered” meeting her, to which she explains that she has a “strong sense of who he is” despite spending a very short time together.  You know, so does this Viewer, fancy that.

A variety of men talk about their children, and several bring drawings to Kaitlyn.  The best is Shawn the trainer a/k/a Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend Calvin Harris, who brings a stick figure drawing done by his nephew.  We heart him, despite ourselves.

This episode ends with Chris Harrison announcing that the men must cast their votes for the women by putting a rose into the box of their choice, carefully crafted with a rose shaped hole on the top.  We wonder whose kid made these boxes in shop class.   This spurs a frenzy of activity as they try to meet the remaining men that they had not yet seen.   Meanwhile, Amateur Sex Coach (which this Viewer keeps typing as “Couch”) confronts Drunk Ryan about ruining his intro to the women, and then gets upset when Drunk Ryan has no memory of it.   Drunk Ryan then calls the women “hos,” falls in the pool holding a beer, tells one of the men, “dude why am I not raping you right now” and gets sent home.  We are more interested in the subsequent “Reveal” that The Sex Couch became LICENSED ONLINE.  Glory be, he is A Modern Day Wedding Minister. 

As this Author is going to be late for Work Items That Cannot Be Budged, we conclude as follows:   This episode ends with a cliff-hanger:  who will be the next bachelorette? We must wait until Tuesday night, dammit.

Hang with me, babies. The boring is over, and the worst is yet to come.

 -KLo