McConaughey Part 10: In Which This Author Has A Mid-Life Crisis

When this Author was a child, we had a Military Tap Dance outfit comprised of a white sateen circle skirt bedazzled with stars, a white sateen sailor’s shirt equally bedazzled, and a jaunty little sailor’s cap which did not make this Author, with her pageboy haircut and myopia, feel particularly glamorous.  Yet years later, we found the sailor’s cap resurrected by our long-leggity camp counselor as a carefully placed centerpiece pinned sideways over her long red hair, to match her remotely nautical outfit.  This was something we certainly had not thought to include within our own personal repertoire to be worn in the middle of the wilderness.  But we did not know what had happened to the sailor’s shirt and skirt….. until we see the Viewing Audience at the Women Tell All:

This is just going to be horrible. 

We have not even recovered from the shock of this lady before Chris Harrison is telling us that this will be the most “crazy, unpredictable, and shocking” episode of the Women Tell All ever.  But before we get to the interviews of women we don’t ever need to see or hear from again, we must watch The Harrison and McConaughy crashing Bachelor Viewing Parties in LA and also, Iowa.  We see people in cowboy hats, a mother-daughter night, a random Asian family that apparently has them over for dinner, and some dude who allegedly likes the show because “you get to see a lot of beautiful women.”  

Suddenly, there is a drunk girl in a Texas Cowboys jersey screaming “shot shot shot shot!!” and jumping all over McConaughy.  And all we can think is “hm, we had that jersey once. We pulled it out of the Boys’ Lost and Found after Junior High Camp, and wore it for five years.  Babies, when one is working for a non-profit, the Lost and Found is like Filene’s Basement.   But then we see drunk girl riding on the piggyback of some other woman as they chase McConaughey’s van down the road, and we conclude that the parallel between our lives has likely ended with the shirt.

And just like that, we see the Women who are about to Tell All.  There is Nikki, TreeNAH, Julie/Juelia, Kei$ha, Amber Who Is Vaguely Black, No Child Left Behind, Samantha, Drunk Jordan, Crazy Eyes, Britney, Bitch, Kelsey, Britt, 1994, Fran Kardashian, Carly, and… Misty.  Phew.

After a highlights reel that ends with the audience booing Carly’s prior comment about Britt being the prettiest girl in the room going home like a mere mortal, Britt takes the “hot seat” (a concept that makes this Viewer acutely uncomfortable, as if it were dusted with the Kitty).

We don’t know what to make of this segment.  Britt cries profusely about Carly not being her friend and generally acts like the Innocent Victim, except that every time someone else starts to speak she starts to talk over them.  Eventually this devolves into a high pitch series of balloons deflating as the women skreetch at each other until Chris Harrison is like “OY.  OOOOY” and then he WHISTLES to get Britney, Bitch to back down and finally there is peace. 

We don’t know if we are less impressed with the women or with the fact that a man just whistled at one to get her to pipe down, as Britt returns to her tearful narrative of her magical hot air balloon, and comments about not wanting children being misconstrued, and also, how she could have had it all with McConaughey if Only It Had Not Been For Carly.  Oh, for she “came so close to love!!!”

We have seen this lady so many times in our life that we desperately hope Britt is not going to be the next Bachelorette. 

 Next up:  Kelsey.  Ugh.  Chris Harrison forces us to watch her “journey,” including her comment about “stay tuned… Monday nights at 8! It’ s MY love story too!!” and the fake panic attack, and the womens’ celebration over being “immeasurably blessed” when she got the boot.

Gentle readers, Kelsey feels “betrayed.”  Lo, for having lost her husband once, she now feels like she is “grieving all over again” because of this experience.  Why does she think the other women hate her?  She thinks she could be “perceived” as condescending and also, as “using big words.”  Blah blah, she needed to honor her story by telling McConaughey about it in private….. and as this goes on and on, Fran Kardashian jumps into the fray with both gloves off.

We should care about this moment.  We really should.  Except all we can think about is what Fran K is wearing:

“I have something like that in my closet,” says KMu.  “It’s called a vest.”

The attacks on Kelsey continue and are too boring to recount, until she asks everyone for Foregiveness and explains that her gleeful comments about her “love story” were really intended to express how she had this amazing love story, struggled to come out of grieving for her husband’s loss, and then it was “amazing” that she survived that too.  We don’t really buy it, but we credit her for trying to create whatever narrative she wants her life to take.

Next up:  Crazy Eyes, who brings an onion as a gift to Chris Harrison.  We conclude that this lady is the best actress ever: 

CH:  “What was up with the mesa verde?”
Crazy Eyes:  “I went to the four corners with  my family and you crawl through these little things and there are zombies….”
CH:  “You thought there was a betting ring going, didn’t you, when you saw our accountants?”
Crazy Eyes:  “I was sooo bored one time, so I just started walking around.  And I saw all of these people, and was like, ‘are they BETTING?’”
CH: “And then you talked to those cats.  What were they saying?”
Crazy Eyes (almost breaking character):  “It was one cat.  And it didn’t reply.”

Chris Harrison begs her to be on the Bachelor in Paradise, to which she stares him down before concluding, “It’s so weird… That we’re on TV.” 

Crazy Eyes wins this episode.  And also, she looks beautiful.

But then we are sad again, as we get the 1:1 time with Jade.  She is basically crushed that McConaughey said he thought she was shy, and then when her brothers described her as a “wild mustang,” McConaughey wrote that it was “disturbing” on his blog.   Oh Jade, he didn’t mean it that way.  But she doesn’t understand, and we feel bad for her. 

Next up, Misty takes the stand.  We like her and hope she is the next bachelorette if we must have one out of this Pile of Terrribleness, except that she is wearing a white midriff bearing top to go with her Gloria Estefan white skirt, and it is not yet Easter.

Poor Misty thinks about her departure “every day.”  It was a complete out of body experience, and it crushed her to be eliminated.  Lo, but she is not ashamed of any of it, just confused.  You go, Misty.

Finally, McConaughey comes out.  Britt insists on coming up beside him and then gives him the longest, most awkward hug in history.  She tries to rewrite her narrative as well, blaming her departure on Carly, and McConaughey tries to explain how he eliminated her because of their relationship, not because of Carly.

Misty, securing KMu’s opinion as “my favorite person on this show at all time,” then tells McConaughey “You saw the shock on my face [when I was eliminated] and how blindsided I was.  You needed and wanted me to let my guard down.  And I did that, and was happy to do so, and then you let me go.  I don’t want you to sugar coat it.  I just need a genuine answer as to what happened.”

Unhelpfully, McConaughey offers that there “is no true explanation.”  He was just “throwing darts in the dark,” and apparently, hers hit the wall.

We trust that the remaining two women, Hemingway and the Crow, are feeling so, so special this very moment.

Blah Blah Jade then confronts him about his comments regarding her, we see a blooper reel, and then we are almost done but NO, WE ARE NOT ANY LONGER because Chris Harrison announces that he has WRITTEN A ROMANCE NOVEL.

Ok, this Author has accomplished many things in her life, including but not limited to learning how to like olives, wear high heels for short periods without complaining (very much), and also, rotate her tires.  But the idea that CHRIS HARRISON has written a romance novel before this Author is both horrifying and causing this Author to take a deep, reflective look at her life’s path.

We have Important Things to Ponder as we sign off until next week, when McConaughey Picks His Winner.

KLo