Tiny Dancer Part 1: YEESSSSUH.

Babies, we reluctantly return to ABC for the continuation of the Bachelorette night #1, which we are choosing to call Part 1 because now we have a reason for typing these next few month.  First let’s drag it out: 

We see Chris Harrison, who picks Britt up at a random outdoor fireplace because that is where one sits in a white dress.   He tells her that the majority of the tribe has spoken, and they have not chosen her.  YES YES YES YES.  And also, YESSSSSUH. 

Britt is Fevastated (fake devastated).  She brushes a nonexistent tear, says she met a lot of amazing people, and that she was glad to be a part of that.  We are mesmerized by the finger shield that she is wearing, masquerading as a ring.  It is like a tiny surfboard or alternatively, the ultimate weapon in thumb wars.  Britt gets in the limo and starts to cry.

KMu:  “This makes me small, but we are going to enjoy this.”

Britt:  “I want to be a wife and mother more than anything in the world.  I almost wish I hadn’t met the men because now it’s harder.”

KMu:  “Because this is the only place you can possibly meet a man.”

Britt:  “I don’t know how many times I can put my heart out there.  What I need to be doing differently.”

[Silence from the peanut gallery because um, yeah]

KMu:  “Now I feel bad for her.”

This Author:  “I don’t.”

As Britt sobs herself down the road after the serious devastation of walking away from 25 men she just met, Chris Harrison tells Kaitlyn that she is the bachelorette.  “I feel like I’m going to throw up!” says that Tiny Dancer, endearing herself to us forever.  Except she too is wearing a finger shield, causing us all to question The Dictates of Fashion These Days.

“The rest of this journey is s about you finding love, and I will do everything in my power to help you do that.”  Says Chris Harrison.

“Including sleep with you” mutters this Author.

Kaitlyn calls her mother to share the good news.  “I’m so proud of you!” the mother says. If this Author were the bachelorette, our Father’s reaction would be more along the lines of “really?  Well . . .  Good luck.”    

And just like that, Kaitlyn begins 1:1 time with various men who all blur together because there are Just.  Too. Many.  Ian the Princeton runner grabs her first.  As she tells him she feels like the “luckiest woman,” he tells her, “no, you are THE woman” and we all swoon.  Joshua the welder gives her his welded rose, which she thinks is “HOT” because he made it himself.  We also wonder if he made his khaki vest out of the extra material from his Khaki pants.

All too soon, the first impression rose comes out.  The men begin talking about how “anyone” could get the rose, and also, how the “Britt team” ought to be nervous.  The Healer, who was part of that team, sits by himself In Conflict.  Lo, for he had come to the show focusing on Kaitlyn, but then had made a deep connection with Britt, and now there is “only one drinking fountain and we all have to stand in line.  And I am almost ready to go home and dig my own well.”  While we will acknowledge that looking for a partner is not dissimilar to digging a ditch in a third world country, we cannot imagine that the Healer would do well at either of those things, real or allegorious.

We feel rage towards LL Cool J, who was heavily Team Britt but is now coming on to Kaitlyn with a “hey gorgeous.”  And some fitness professional, which means it’s probably one of the Bens, is telling her that there is nothing more satisfying than taking someone from couch potato to 5K.   Jared the restaurant manager admits to Kaitlyn that he is happy he is there, but he wants to make sure he knows that he voted for Britt so that the air is clear between them.  We actually appreciate that, as well as spicy cheese and regular mustard on our six inch turkey sub.   

But Brody, the Nashville Singer is all upset because The Britt is Gone.  Gentle readers, he doesn’t “know what to do with my emotions.”  We try to care but he really dings the Ick Meter, and so we don’t.

As Kaitlyn tries to figure out who is actually there for her, JJ the Pucker reveals to her that he has a three year old daughter.  She says she takes him more seriously because of that, and then tells the camera that she is “super, SUPER into JJ.”  We are not seeing it.

Then the Dentist swoops in and kisses Kaitlyn.  WHOA.  “The dentist has got wheels!!” she says.  None of us expected that.   We don’t know how to feel.  Before we can fully digest, we are off to 1:1 time with Bart Simpson, followed by 1:1 time with Taylor Swift’s New Boyfriend Calvin Harris.  This Author is super confused by our attraction to The Boyfriend. 
“Have you seen the notebook?” asks KMu.

And we must agree that The Boyfriend is not dissimilar to Ryan Gosling, who is not really Our Thing, but with enough Ichabod Crane thrown in that perhaps that is What Is Doing It.  Hm.

In any event, Kaitlyn gives The Boyfriend the First Impression rose and they kiss. She is Overwhelmed with the emotion, which apparently feels like a first kiss in junior high to her.   We are not sure that is something anyone wants to re-experience but ok.

Now the Rose Ceremony is upon us.  Joining The Boyfriend with roses, she picks:

1. The Dentist

2. Ben H. (we don’t know who this is but he is probably a fitness professional).

3.  JJ, the pucker.

4.  Bart Simpson

5. LL Cool Jay (who voted for Britt. Ooooo).

6. Daniel the fashion designer, in extremely skinny pants and an ascot (who also voted for Britt. Double Oooo).

7.  Ryan B – whoever he is.

8.  The Welder a/k/a Flashdance

9.  Tony the Healer.  WHAT?!

Suddenly, Nashville Brody steps out of the crown to pull Kaitlyn away.  He tells Kaitlyn that he is impressed with her, but that “now it’s time for me to take a risk.  And my heart is with the woman that left a couple hours ago…. I’m going to go find Britt and see if she is open to finding love.” He then grabs Chris Harrison and wanders off.   Oh dear.  

Kaitlyn takes a deep breath and continues with:

10. Clint

11. A Cory/Corey

12. John Legend (Noooo!!! He was team Britt too!)

13.  Another Cory/Corey

14.  Ben a fitness trainer.  Crap, maybe the first Ben worked in Finance.

15.  Tanner a/k/a Michael Scott from The Office

16. Ian of the Hotness.

17. Justin, yet another fitness trainer.

18.  Just Jared the restauranteer. 

We probably left someone out in there, but oh well. 

The Sex Couch and Stripper for Justice go home, as does David and some other dude we don’t know.

Just like that, we are treated to a preview of the shit show to come.  There is jumping in a pool fully clothed, horse riding, a Labyrinth dream sequence, sumo wrestling, fireworks, and a seagull screaming “I’m a mother fucking bird!”   But then, CRISIS, for Nick from Season Prosecutrix has shown up.

“Hello Clarice” we hear, unbidden, in our right ear, and a shiver goes up our spine.

Apparently, Nick and Kaitlyn hit it off, kissing in all the dark corners as the other men fume and declare their distrust.   Ew.  Even worse, Kaitlyn admits to her suitors, for the first time in any Bachelor/Bachelorette’s history on this show, that she has slept with one of the contestants and feels horrible about it. 

We are going to make ourselves very clear on this:  While Kaitlyn’s decision apparently is going to be a big part of Season Tiny Dancer, none of us at the BNU will vilify Kaitlyn for sleeping with one of her suitors, feeling like it was a mistake, or about owning that mistake. It has been happening since Christ was a Child on this show, with varying levels of deliberateness or regret, and no one has had the ovaries to own it until now.  So Kaitlyn, we stand behind you.  But full disclosure:  If it is Nick that is the naked man running through the golf course in his socks, we are totally going to make a joke about that one.

As we think about what is to come, we see Brody in a pair of skinny jeans, looking really worse for wear, approaching the hotel room of a crying Britt.  He can’t wait to see her face. 

Neither can we gentle readers.  Neither. Can. We.

-KLo