Tiny Dancer Part 5: RAINAGEDDON

Babies, we should have known that we were About To Face Adversity on Monday night when we arrived at chez Mu and PMu did this in front of our very eyes:

Oh, The Horror that is the sound of a can of whip wheezing out its contents, not dissimilar to the sound of Vigorous Tooth Brushing.   Vomit. 

But we were still unsuspecting.  Instead, we gently situate ourselves in front of the television to watch where we Were Abandoned last week:  Nick doing his slow walk across the United States towards the hotel room in which the guys are all are staying.   At last, he arrives. 

Nick takes his place on a lonely sofa across from Aaaaall the other men, opposite him on another sofa, to the tune of painful silence.  He begins to dance for his life: 

Nick: “I am not here to create drama or create a scene.”
Abe:  “I cry bullshit!!!”
Nick:  “But I dig this cool chick from the little I know, and I’d like to know her more.”
Flashdance:  “So is she a ‘cool chick’ or an amazing woman to you?”
The Entire BNU:  “TEAM FLASHDANCE.”
 ABe:  “I love you!  I love you! If she won’t have you, flashdance, I will!!!”

Michael Scott basically grills Nick about chasing his 16^th minute of fame, for which we also appreciate him.  In the midst of this, Nick explains that he both texted and talked to Kaitlyn on the phone, which is more contact than The Tiny Dancer revealed them to have last week.  Says Flashdance, for All of Us, “I don’t like it.”

But now they all must get ready for a rose ceremony, including Nick, which is ridiculous.  Except Taylor Swift’s New Boyfriend Calvin Harris a/k/a a Poor Man’s Ryan Gosling a/k/a Shawn the personal trainer is putting on a shirt and we Have Not Words.  KMu rewinds for us.  He says something about the appearance of Nick causing him to “pump the breaks” and “put his guard up,” but we are Not Listening because Dear Baby Jesus.

All the men are walking towards the rose ceremony WHEN THIS HAPPENS TO THE SATELLITE:

I call this Monet:  Horses in a Rain Storm.

Babies, the rain (the rain that Has Not Stopped for a Week and is Drowning Us Softly With Its Song), has broken the satellite television connection at chez Mu.  We typically love the rain and all cozy-ness associated therewith, but at this moment, We. Are. Brokenhearted.

Suddenly, we get limited feed again.  Rejoice!!!  We find ourselves at a baseball field for the rose ceremony as ABC plays Field of Dreams music.  We secretly wonder if Shoeless Joe Jackson walked out on the field, whether Kaitlyn would find herself having a “connection” to him and inviting him to join the rose ceremony.   We suspect that it would be a challenge to film the rest of the show on the field, as Shoeless Joe Could Not Leave.

So blah blah the little that the satellite allows us to see of this segment reveals that everyone is uncertain because of Nick.  We at the BNU are uncertain because we have recently discovered that JJ is wearing pink socks with his blue skinny suit.  This Viewer may have worn sports socks and tennis shoes to work underneath our dress pants today, but that is only because we have An Injury of Old Age. 

At some point, JJ takes Kaitlyn in his arms and runs her around the bases down on the field.  We sincerely hope that this is the ONLY way JJ may get to fourth base with Kaitlyn. 

At another point, Taylor Swift’s New Boyfriend Calvin Harris tells Kaitlyn that Nick is “full of shit” and that the entire situation with him is causing Calvin to put his guard back up.  Kaitlyn whispers, “don’t you trust me?” and Calvin, winning this Viewer’s heart forever or at least For This Episode, says, “Yeah, but your actions aren’t really matching up to what you are saying.” 

JJ later approaches Calvin, clapping him on the back and tell him that he doesn’t like Calvin’s look when his jaw is clenched. 
KMu:  “ooo, JJ is looking for a new wingman.”
This Viewer:  “Yeah, he likes the blondes.”

After her tete-a-tete with Taylor Swift’s New Boyfriend Calvin Harris, Kaitlyn is upset because this is her “worst nightmare.”  And also, your decisions created that nightmare, dumbass.

And then we MISS THE ENTIRE ROSE CEREMONY BECAUSE OF SATELLITE RAGE.  We will have to use Deductive Magic to figure out who got the axe, which will further be a challenge because Monet and his damn horses in the rain are again galloping across the television.

As we struggle through rainageddon, we see flashes of what happens next:  Other Ben on a 1:1 date, where he is explaining away some Other Relationship that he had.  Oh, it has ended.  Oh, and also, it was long distance from the beginning.  And also, [insert all sorts of other things to make her feel better].  The satellite cuts out again, and returns to Other Ben expressing that he likes Kaitlyn, as he kisses her and they dance on a rooftop.  The satellite cuts AGAIN, and we conclude that Other Ben must have gotten the rose.  Kaitlyn says that the date was “exactly what she needs” from Other Ben.

Another satellite related hard edit later, and we learn that Kaitlyn is taking 10 men on a group date, which means that Taylor Swift’s New Boyfriend Calvin Harris gets the last 1:1 date.  “I like a man in uniform,” says the date card.    We think it is for Flashdance, Nick Justin, Ian the Hotness, Just Jared, the Dentist, JJ, Bart Simpson, and some other people.  We don’t remember seeing John Legend . . . does this mean he was given the axe at the rose ceremony?  We are so confused.

ANYWAY, this date begins with a 10 year old boy serenading Kaitlyn with a Mariachi band as back up.

“Wait, do you think she’ll try to take him to the hotel?  Did they have a connection?” queries KMu.

Surprise: They are all going to be writing Mariachi songs, which they will then sing – in uniform – to Kaitlyn with the band in the background and in front of a live audience.   As we look out at the audience, it starts to dawn on us that in addition to missing the rose ceremony, we may have also missed the remaining men flying to some other country and/or city for these dates.

So all of the songs are terrible.  Flashdance wanted to make his song better than Nick’s because he doesn’t like the dude, but we are not sure he accomplished that mission.  Ian the Hotness chokes, singing barely loud enough to hear and then, in a disturbing little clip, berates himself for failing.   Justin sings something about eyes that sparkle like the sea.  JJ plays a guitar.  Bart Simpson swoops in for a kiss.  And then this happens:

Nick [who has taken Kaitlyn up to a balcony because OF COURSE he has]:  “We have such a great connection.  It gives me a huge [satellite interference].”
ABe:  “DID HE JUST SAY ERECTION?!?”

We have no words, in addition to no picture.

Now we are at some kind of “Texas ranch and goat place,” so maybe we are just in Texas instead of in A Foreign Land (although that is really The Same Thing).  Ian the Hotness is talking to Nick about how he thinks he should maybe go home.  We think he should maybe go home if he is now confiding in Nick. 

And then we have no satellite feed again, which means THE SATELLITE HAS EATEN THE DATE WITH CALVIN HARRIS.  We will cut that satellite like our neighbor dennis, as soon as it is safe to climb up on the roof.  We imagine ourselves being Smote by a Lightning Bolt and think there would be no better ending to the BNU.   We further imagine our epitaph:  Authoress of Blog, Stricken Down By God.

We are still steaming over the loss of the date with Calvin Harris when the television decides to join us once again at a cocktail party, pre-rose ceremony.  Goodness, there are two rose ceremonies in this one episode?  We are mostly concerned about the following:  

    

   1.  Flashdance has shaved only the bottom half of his head like he is in a boy band and it is terrible.

2.  The dentist is wearing “a movie theater usher jacket,” concludes KMu.  This is terrible.

At least Kaitlyn is wearing clothes.  That’s a bonus.

As the satellite begins to cut out again, we see that Ian is saying something awful that is enraging Kaitlyn.  From previews, we suspect he is telling her that he questions his intentions.  BMa, helpfully saving the day via text, tells us that the following sentence was also uttered: “Being with me is like a gift you unwrap for life.”  Ha ha ha  oh no.

As this date ends, ABC tells us:  “Coming up next Monday, [SATELLITE INTERFERENCE.]

Rage.

KLo.