Tiny Dancer Part 4: A Parting of the Ways

Where last we left off, Clint was confident that he was going to get a rose at the next rose ceremony, but The Tiny Dancer was marching over to Cut Him like this Viewer’s Former Neighbor Dennis.   And so that is where we find ourselves, on the episode that *spoiler alert* ruins it all for This Viewer.

As Kaitlyn tries to talk about their relationship Clint begins talking about JJ:  “We have grown very very very very very very close.  He is like my best best best best best best friend.”  Kaitlyn tells him that this is not about JJ, that she no longer trusts Clint, and then cuts him.  And then, in her the first stunning display of poor judgment since agreeing to be on this show, she marches Clint back into the house to “say goodbye to everyone” like a child who must put back the sweets he stole.    This is a very bad idea.

Clint is humiliated, unnecessarily.  And then JJ, who is in the middle of telling everyone that he will always have Clint’s back, turns on him:  “I think you need to apologize for taking everyone’s emotional energy.” 

One of our neicelets recently drew the instrument that best describes JJ in this moment:

Yes, Babies, I am sure we are all thinking the same thing:  Wow, that is the World’s Tiniest Violin.

 Michael Scott from the Office says:  “If it is possible to not like JJ more, I did in that moment.  Because if you are going to be a [Violin], be a [Violin].  But don’t be a [Violin] and then throw your best friend under the bus.  That just makes you an unloyal [Violin].

Clint is stunned, and furious.  He and JJ have a horrible break up in the hallway, where Clint rages at JJ for not backing him up, and then forces JJ to walk off first By Virtue Of His Sheer Male Rage.   JJ cries in the bushes, and we are all relieved.  Except, Kaitlyn is crowing about how “there is not one part of me that thinks I made a wrong decision” and we Feel Sad Inside because the Only part of this she handled well was the part where she decided to let him go.   Every other decision surrounding that one was a bad one.

Says Michael Scott:  “Bro-Back mountain did not go well.  Clint quit him, and it was hard.”

The bottom line for this evening is that after The Breakup, Kaitlyn decides to keep all of the men until the next rose ceremony.  Everyone feels pretty “Meh” about this, however, because JJ is still around.  JJ, for his part, clarifies to the camera that “from this point on,” he is looking for a girlfriend, not a boyfriend.  We still hope he gets the axe.

We cannot even muster excitement when Chris Harrison jumps out of the hallway and announces that the men are going on a “trip around the world, starting in New York.”

But off we go, to New York City.  As they approach the Knickerbocker Hotel in Times Square, some dude says, “I can’t believe this place has been reopened after 94 years!”

“Don’t you love it when one of these guys throws out a random factoid that they couldn’t possibly know?” says KMu. 

As they lounge in an elegant room like so many dogs on a couch, the first date card comes for Justin the personal trainer, John Legend, Ben the Trainer, Corey, some dude named Ryan, Michael Scott, JJ, and Taylor Swift’s New Boyfriend Calvin Harris.  “Let’s keep our love Fresh, Love Kaitlyn.”  Says the card.

John Legend is intrigued:  “So many things going through my head!  Like, are we going to take a shower?”

Really?  REALLY?

Kaitlyn meets them at some warehouse, where she announces that they are going to have a surprise guest and we all hope to god it is Amy Schumer announcing that she will travel with the group for the rest of the season.  But no, it is Doug. E. Fresh., who raps for them as John Legend Fan Girls out, and then comes down from the stage to announce that the men are going to RAP BATTLE.

Where the Hell is ABe? We want to know.  She has abandoned us for the evening, thereby preserving her graphic designer mind from exploding at the sight of this:

KMu is having a seizure on the sofa, something about “Fresh Prince” and “intern put that together” and “are those bullet holes.”

After an awkward advising session, we begrudgingly discover that Ben the Personal Trainer is still hot even with a pencil behind his ear, and also, that good god they are in front of a HUGE NYC audience. 

Gentle Readers, we like to think that We would Rock This Challenge, having historically written such Top 40 hits as “Suck your Toe All the Way to Mexico” and The Baryshnikov Rap (“There was a dude, from Russia he defected, New York City, He E-FFected (uh-huh uh-huh)”).  However, these men are not blessed with the Lyrical Genius of this Author, and therefore we are met with the following;

Ben the Trainer to Michael Scott:  “1, 2, 3, 8, I’m gonna knock you out like a first date.  This.  Me. Naturally.  Even with steroids you won’t look like me.”

Michael Scott right back:  “She’s too small for you bro.  She can fit in your pocket. Plus for a big guy you have a very tiny rocket.”

Says Kaitlyn, for all of us:  “I don’t think there’s ever been a rap battle with two guys in khakis.”

So Corey, who we have not paid any attention to until this moment but who is apparently from NYC, does pretty well on this challenge.  JJ, who manages to call the entire audience “Hos,” does not. But then this happens and THIS VIEWER’S MIND IS BLOWN:

Taylor Swift’s New Boyfriend Calvin Harris to Justin the Trainer:  “First things first let’s get this out of the way.  Your hair, just ask, I’ll help you one day.  You say you are a personal trainer.  Your body.  My body.  No brainer.” 

This Viewer making notes: clicky clicky click.

Taylor Swift’s New Boyfriend:  Lifts Shirt.

This Viewer:   Clickity- [silence]

“Whoa.”

Says Kaitlyn, for All of Us: “I forgot every word that came out of [The Boyfriend’s] mouth after he flashed his abs.”

Anyway, we are no longer caring about the Rap Battle, both because we keep seeing Evil Nick from Season Prosecutrix in the audience (wtf), and also because he is with FRAN KARDASHIAN, who is wearing the same outfit that Kim Kardashian wore to her wedding rehearsal dinner.    Funny thing (not so much):  Kaitlyn and Nick allegedly struck up a friendship over social media shortly before she got picked to be the bachelorette, but never met.  So he has flown from Chicago to see her, since the idea that she could “potentially have gotten engaged” before the met, “bugged him.”

This man is Premeditated Creepy.  We are pretty sure that he reached out to her on social media because he made a reasoned assumption that she would, in fact, be the next Bachelorette.  Says KMu: “It’s not that he wanted to meet her.  It’s that he wanted to meet her ON ABC.”  

Nick makes a bid to stay, swoops in for a kiss that literally leaves this Author screaming on the sofa, and then watches his work with satisfaction as Kaitlyn hand-wrings about whether to bring him on the show.  KMu and this Author are furious, as Kaitlyn should have never gone ON this show if there was someone else that she was more interested in.

We want to shake the Tiny Dancer, who continues her run of Epically Bad Decisions by then announcing the following to the other men on the group date:  “Before I came on this show, I was already talking to a guy from another season and now he wants to come on the show.  And I realize this is going to cause some serious problems.  But I don’t want you to think I disrespect you.”

“That could not have been delivered any worse,” says KMu.

Way to make every single one of them feel worthless, Kaitlyn.   Taylor Swift’s New Boyfriend Calvin Harris asks some pointed questions that cause Kaitlyn to divulge that it is Nick from Season Prosecutrix, and then For All Of Us, asks:  “Are you confident in what is here?  Are you looking for more?”  The other men are completely offended.  As Michael Scott notes, it’s not simply that she is struggling with this decision, but also that the particular guy is Nick Who Slept With the Prosecturix and then Discussed It On National Television. Which makes him a Grade A Scumbag, and makes Michael Scott question Kaitlyn’s judgment for even entertaining the idea of bringing the guy on the show at this juncture.

Kaitlyn trips outside to tell Nick that she needs to “think about it” and he Moves In For the Kill:

Nick:  “Are you cold?” [Smack. Slobber. Smooch.]

Her: “Why now? Like why now???”

Him:  “It’s authentic.  It’s genuine!  It felt right!”

We vomit inside our mouths.

Justin the Trainer gets the rose on this date, for being the only person who says “well if it’s something you need to explore, then go do it.”  Michael Scott notes that this is probably the most meaningless rose given “in the history of the show.”  We are pretty sure that was the last rose given by Bob Guiney in season How Many Women Could He Sleep With, but duly noted.

Meanwhile, date card #2 has come for Just Jared: “Let’s reimagine the night we first met.”  It says.  We don’t even care. Lo, for as Just Jared is giddily preparing for his date, Kaitlyn is secretly meeting with Nick BEFORE the date, and after her hair appointment with Crazy Eyes from season McConaughey, randomly doing a cameo here.

“Oh, I’ve never had that feeling of instant connection before!” says Kaitlyn.
“That’s lust,” says Crazy Eyes.  “And you need more than that.  Like Friendship.”

Crazy Eyes for the Win. 

But Kaitlyn doesn’t listen.  Instead, she meets Nick on a streetcorner in the sleety snow, they kiss, and she says she is “going to be selfish and keep” him.  Idiot.

Okay, so off we go to the date with Just Jared, for whom we now just feel sorry.   And then we really feel sorry for him when Kaitlyn walks down the MET stairs in a leotard affixed with polyester grandma sleeves, affixed with lace.  

“Words do not do justice, the way Kaitlyn looks tonight.”  Says Just Jared, For All Of Us.

Babies, Kaitlyn has the backside of a 100 year old ballet teacher.

Every other aspect of this date is equally sad.  The whole time Just Jared is pouring out his heart to Kaitlyn, she is thinking about Nick.   And then when she has an opportunity to ask a question, she asks about the other men in the house, soliciting a hurt reaction from Just Jared (justifiably).  ABC tries to clean this up by showing Just Jared rapidly reading some kind of free form poem he wrote and reassuring Kaitlyn that he will be there for her after she gets this thing out of her system with Nick.  

But we don’t even care.  Kaitlyn is dead to us.  

He gets the rose after a romantic helicopter ride that still doesn’t make us feel any better.

Finally, date card #3 arrives for Hot Ian, The Dentist, Bart Simpson, Flashdance, and Other Ben, who we are developing a crush on.  The card says “Let’s play.”   This card arrives after Kaitlyn has also informed the men of her decision to keep Nick, which makes Taylor Swift’s New Boyfriend Calvin Harris pretty pissed, and everyone else fall into an awful silence.

Under this cloud, Kaitlyn takes us all to the Theater, where the men must audition for Aladdin.

“God I hope I get it.  I hope I get it.  How many people do they need?” sings this Viewer.
“How many boys .How many girls???” queries KMu.

“I really NEED this Job.  I hope I GET THIS JOB!!!!” 

Blah blah the men learn how to dance and sing “I can show you the world,” which we all hate.  Ian the Hotness is the only person who can sing, except he ruins it by talking about how excited he is to show Kaitlyn that he has that skill.   Finally, they learn how to ride the secret elevator in order to pop out on stage:

“The trick to riding one of these is don’t look down or up. Just look straight ahead,” says the dance master.
“That’s what she said,” says KMu.

The Dentist wins more time with Kaitlyn on this date by committing most intensely to the role of Street Thief Turned Lover.  “I have sung this song [A whole new world] in the shower, and in the car.  I actually WANT to sing this song to Kaitlyn and pretend we’re on a magic carpet ride!!”

“He is not straight,” says KMu.

After appearing for a nanosecond on Broadway as extras in Aladdin, this date ends at the New Years Eve ball in Times Square.  The Dentist gets the rose.

Meanwhile, ABC is filming Nick walk with his suitcase towards the hotel where the other men are staying.   And walk.  And walk.  And walk through the square.  And walk down a sidewalk. 

“What is this, Forest Gump?” queries KMu.  “He’s changed outfits like, two times on this walk it is taking so long.”

Finally Nick arrives at the hotel. As the door closes behind him, ABC fades to black.   We know that this is the part that we are supposed to say "oooo!!!" except we don't feel it.  Because we have parted ways with Kaitlyn and frankly, think she deserves whatever mess Nick is going to manipulate her into.

As the credits roll, and because this episode could not get any worse or more boring, we see Britt and Brady frolicking at the beach during the credits.  Both of them in skinny clothes, hers with the knees ripped out. He tells her this has been “one of the most beautiful times of my life,” and she insincerely 

says that she would not be dating him if she didn’t think she could marry him. 

We have heard that the American People are slowly losing intelligence over the generations, and only become more depressed, as we don't want that particular market to crash just yet.

 -KLo.