Tiny Dancer Part 3: An Unexpected Love Story

Babies, we are On The Twitters!! You know, 15 years later than everyone else.  You can find us at https://twitter.com/bnu_klo.  We don’t really know what we are going to do with The Twitters yet (we will definitely not be live tweeting this show because Ugh, and also, No), but suspect It Shall Gently Evolve.   Or Not.

 So Tiny Dancer Part 3 begins with a discussion between This Viewer and KMu’s young wombfruit, EMu, as we are looking at our notes from last week:

EMu:  “Auntie KLo (this is literally what she calls Us):  Why doesn’t the girl you drew have a face?”
KLo:  “I didn’t get to it.  Would you like to add one for me?”
EMu:  “Ok.  Auntie KLo, I’m going to draw her a friend.”

EMu:  “Look, I drew her pregnant!  And in the same outfit!”

EMu may have just drawn the existential embodiment of the Tiny Dancer’s future. We ponder this as  KMu sweeps her off to bed and we begin the Actual Show, in which we left LL Cool J screaming about getting the axe.  Essentially, he is badly behaved. Kaitlyn – who just had a Jenner named after her – marches outside and wants to know what the ruckus is about.  LL Cool J immediately calms down:  “Give me a second.  I didn’t know you were coming…. Yeah, I was screaming.  Sorry about that.”

Gentle readers, he wanted to “Come here.  To open Myself Up.  To Falling. In Love.  With a girl.” 

He says this all so painfully that we know it is not true.  In any event, Kaitlyn tells LL Cool J that he is now creating an uncomfortable situation and his tantrums are not going to change her decision.  So he throws some more tantrums (“This SUCKS. I don’t even like her!”) and goes home.  Yawn.

Our Tiny Dancer is upset, as she has already “has feelings” for these guys.  But Somehow, She Triumphs Over The Pain to pick the following beef patties (joining JJ MotherPucker, Ben the Personal Trainer, and Clint, all of whom got roses last week):

1. Just Jared

2.  Other Ben

3.  Taylor Swift’s New Boyfriend Calvin Harris

4.  John Legend

5.  Michael Scott

6.  The Dentist

7.  Ryan, whoever he is

8.  Justin the personal trainer

9.  Ian the Hotness

10.  Flashdance

11 .Bart Simpson

12. One of the Coreys

13.  The Healer

We are a little sad that The Healer progresses to the next round.  He informs us that he has “stepped away from my business and my bonsai trees and my dog” for this.  And also, he “has the heart of a warrior and the eyes of the child . . . I am here to make people think about what they really want.”

You know, that last part is true.  This Author and her sisters each carry the honor of having been engaged once before actually getting married to someone else.  And we can tell you that staring down the Cold Hard Barrel of Forever Saddled to a Twit causes an otherwise Somewhat Optimistic Lady to get real, Real Fast, about what Said Lady actually deserves in life.  So clearly, the Healer has a Higher Purpose here. 

One of the Corys and the fashion designer go home.

Suddenly we are at the next morning. As the men snore off their rose ceremony indulgences, two perfectly enormous sumo wrestlers ride up to their house on tiny bicycles and wake them up with GONGS.   Meet Byamba, a four time sumo champion and Yama, a 600 lb sumo wrestler who “also won some stuff,” says Chris Harrison.  We feel bad for Yama.  But JJ Motherpucker is excited because he “Loves Japanese culture… . like Sushi.”  Headdesk.

So this date is for Clint, The Dentist, The Healer, JJ Motherpucker, Bart Simpson, and maybe Taylor Swift’s New Boyfriend Calvin Harris?  We can’t tell.   All we know is that they are putting on their Mawashi and JJ MotherPucker is asking for a Large.  We hate him.  

Babies, lets just call The Mawashi what it is: A Thong.   But it is more than that.  The mawashi is the symbolic representation of what an Actual Thong Feels Like to an Actual Woman, who uses The Thong to avoid A Panty Line in exchange for the feeling that she has a rolled up Sunday newspaper Jammed In The Back Door. 

We hate The Thong while recognizing its utility.   

As the men take off their robes, Kaitlyn concludes that they all look “sexy” in their mawashi.  Except for the Healer, who apparently is a Buttless Wonder, and Bart Simpson, whose left testicle is roaming free.  In an outtake, someone offers to spray sunscreen on it.

ABe is traumatized:  “What is up with the Dentist?  Is that a necklace of teeth around his neck??”

As predicted, the sumo wrestlers throw every man out of the ring.  Except somehow, the Healer believes he will be excepted.  While he is normally “peaceful,” he says he would be “absolutely terrified if I was the other guy.”   Naturally, he loses in about 2 seconds and then storms off in a fit of embarrassment.  Except he doesn’t call it that:

The Healer to Kaitlyn:  “Why do we have to have a show of aggression on every date.  I am loving.  I have the heart of a warrior and the [blah blah blah] of a gypsy.”

JJ MotherPucker:  [confronting him]:  “You are stressing Kaitlyn out!”

The Healer:  “Get the F* out of here.”

KMu:  “Can I just say that I love that this is happening with diapers on?”

As the Healer complains to Ian The Hotness about how he has worked “very hard in his advancement emotionally, spiritually, and physically” and doesn’t want to return to his “baser instincts,”  Ian The Hotness suggests he might nonetheless want to take a different approach.   Kaitlyn finds him.

The Healer:  “I have a lot to offer.”

KMu:  “Wait, did he just WIGGLE HIS PECS?” 

We rewind.  It is true, and it proceeds to happen again two more times before we are finally done with The Healer, who decides not to continue with the date.  He proclaims that he “can’t sit here and do this shit anymore”  and that he is “here for love… but love can only be real when it is shared.”  As he insists he is “not a quitter,” he packs his belongings and leaves.  Thank god.

Meanwhile, this date progresses to an “exhibition” in which the men fight in their thongs.   We think Clint ultimately wins, and we don’t like him for talking selfies with a group of women in the audience.   Except suddenly, we are confused because it is now nighttime, and Kaitlyn has changed into leather pants and, we suspect, a mawashi.

ABe says, for all of us:  “I didn’t know you could be human and have knees that skinny.”

 The Healer comes from nowhere, offers Kaitlyn a flower, and says he is leaving but he is “easily found” if she wishes to explore something with him.  We secretly think she is relieved.  But ABe continues to be distracted:

ABe:   “I am really not into the Dentist.  He looks like a vampire.”

KMu:  “Well, you previously thought he was a cannibal, so….”

The big story on this part of the date is that Clint decides to stop pursuing Kaitlyn because he thinks that if SHE wants to get to know HIM more, she will “make an effort” and also, he has apparently never seen this show.   Ultimately, Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend Calvin Harris swoops in on Kaitlyn, tells her that it “never happens that he’s fallen so hard, so fast for someone” and gets the rose on this date.  Well played, Calvin.   

Just like that, an Individual Date is upon us.  Kaitlyn receives a date card from Chris Harrison saying that HE has planned this date, and so she must get to the mansion to find out who he has selected.  Turns out it is the “babe soda” (Kaitlyn’s words), Ben the Personal Trainer.

Turns out, this date is in a dark secret room.  Once they go inside, they will be locked in, and “must find the clues to escape.”  Kaitlyn opens the door and a pigeon flies out screaming ‘I AM A MOTHER FUCKING BIRD.”   She completely loses her cool.  We refuse to criticize, as dear baby jesus, if our brother-in-law’s parrot swoops in on us one more time in the kitchen, it is going to meet a quick death at the end of a frying pan.  40-Love, Babies.

In any event, the room is filled with pigeons and scorpions and a creepy dude writhing on a bed and SNAKES IN A TOILET and all sorts of nasty.   Kaitlyn screams and hides behind Ben the Personal Trainer for 45 minutes as he tries to find the clues and get them the hell out of there. 

“I’ll be the man.  Who will fight. For your honor.”  Quietly sings KMu.
“I’ll be the hero… YOU’RE DREAMING OF.” Joins ABe.
Now in Harmony: (because the BNU is two-thirds Mennonite and that is what we do):
“We’ll live together.  Knowing forever that we. Did it All.  For the GLORY OF LOVE.” 

Yet, while we appreciate Ben’s heroics, we think that Kaitlyn could perhaps find the ovaries to think herself out of this little box too.  We stew in our enragement about passive women everywhere until we come to the room full of snakes, where they have to fish a box out of a poop filled toilet. 

So this Viewer once faced Great Adversity, also known as The Pantry Moth Situation of 2013.  After slowly ceding our entire pantry to The Moth over the course of the summer, we finally declared defeat and watched our husband clean every corner of the kitchen while we sympathy puked at the table.  And so, we understand why, in this particular instance, Kaitlyn might let Ben fish the box from the poop toilet. 

The get out of there, and as Ben hugs Kaitlyn, he says “I couldn’t have done it without you.”
KMu: “Bull.  She literally would have died in there.”
Not unlike This Viewer, eaten by moths.

Blah blah this date ends back at her place, where they have ordered pizza and we learn that Ben is only 26 years old.  ABe and this Viewer cannot get over it.   Ben talks about the death of his mother and his difficulty showing emotion because of it.   He gets the rose on this date.

Finally, the last group date is upon us.  “Let’s learn to love” says the Card.  We don’t really know what to say about this date, which is teaching sex education to a group of child actors posing as children at school.

KMu:  “This isn’t literally the part of the show where she has sex, right?”

Flashdance: “I learned everything I knew from watching cows.”

ABe:  “He’s so cute!!!”

Basically, every actual name for a body part is bleeped out of this date, because apparently you can show an entire naked woman on television these days but you can’t talk about her parts.   The men display a depressing lack of knowledge about certain items, and an inability to explain others, until Other Ben reasonably explains reproduction and we all breathe a sigh of relief.

After this trauma, everyone goes drinking around a bonfire.  Flashdance steals Kaitlyn away (“So where can I take a pretty girl around here?” and admits that he didn’t have his first kiss until college.

“Neither did I” says this Viewer.

“REALLY?” says KMu.

We are not sure if KM is surprised that ALL THIS is not for everyone’s taste, or alternatively, that we made up for lost time thereafter (mere field research for This Blog.  You are Welcome.). 

Other Ben ends up winning the rose on this the date.  He sweeps Kaitlyn off her feet on a roof top – something about his best friend starting a non-profit, and then him going back and forth to Honduras.  Kaitlyn concludes that he is “romantic, passionate, AND knows how to kiss!”

Meanwhile back at the ranch, JJ Motherpucker and Clint have grown very close.   Bart Simpson says, for all of us, “These guys are so into each other that the don’t even realize.”  They are talking about turtles in the hot tub.  They are cuddling on the couch in their swimsuits.   Clint is playing the guitar as he looks  soulfully towards JJ.

Clint:  “I’ve connected with JJ more than Kaitlyn.  Probably because we’re too similar. We’ve grown too close, almost too close before.  Like in the bedroom.  And the shower. “

More Clint: “The possibility of coming on the Bachelor and falling in love with a man never crossed my mind. But I believe in process, and at this point, I am a success story.”

Yet more Clint:  [Insert joke about unzipping their pants].

We at the BNU are Speechless. 

Except we get the uncomfortable feeling that, not unlike lesbians hiding at a Christian camp, Clint is further out of the closet than JJ.  Or alternatively, Clint may be the only one in the closet and JJ is actually straight.  Regardless of what is going on here, we get concerned that Clint has decided he needs to get a rose because he wants to stay in the house and keep getting to know JJ.

We are now at the rose ceremony, and Kaitlyn is wearing black with spangles and mesh.  Meh.    However, she is concerned because 13 of the 15 guys remaining, have ALL said something to her about Clint not being there “for the right reasons.”   She informs Flashdance that if he has anything to say to Clint, he better say it now because Clint won’t be around after (ooooo)….. but we don’t actually see what happens. 

Alas, ABC has told us it is “to be continued.”  All we DO know is that next week, Nick from Season Prosecutrix shows back up.   

Larvea,

KLo.