Tiny Dancer Parts 9 & 10: Mea Culpa and the Men Tell All

Babies, last week was hard.  After a very long train ride back from The Montanas with the Prince of Sulu (we are not making this up), we got home too late to watch the Bachelorette.  And then the Work Items happened.  Work Items So Great and Terrible that our colleague BCa and his wife bought us Chocolates as a Peace Offering (Which We Tested Last Night and Can Report are Very Good).

Because the thing was, the Work Items caused This Viewer to miss celebration of a Birthday.  Like, a BIG birthday.  With a zero at the end. 

So basically, this past week Could Have Been Better, objectively speaking, and we STILL have not watched the episode from last Monday.  But we can report that in the 15 minutes we saw of it last night, the Tiny Dance and Peter Brady had an overnight date in which they rode horses named Chip and Archie and came across a field of donkeys.

"The horses, me, AND nature felt Peter Brady was a calming presence,” she said. 

They had dinner at a 19^th century castle, and then exchanged words about how lucky the other felt . . . until she dumped him (at the end of the episode).  RAGE.

KMu has prepared a helpful photographic Story Board for the remainder of the episode:

You are Welcome.

So THIS week we now know that for the Finale next week, we are left with Two Short Straws:  Evil Nick and Taylor Swift’s New Boyfriend Calvin Harris.  Who we like, but not more than Peter Brady, Ben the Trainer, or (let’s face it) even Just Jared.  Why, why, WHY Kaitlyn?

But first we must get through The Men Tell All.  Blah blah welcome Ryan-Who-Got-Drunk-and-Eliminated-The First Night, Tony, both of the Corey/Corys (one of whom will not stop talking), LL Cool J, Formerly Hot Ian, Flashdance, John Legend, Clint, Justin the personal trainer, JJ MotherPucker, Bart Simpson, Chris the Dentist, Ben the Trainer (le sigh), Just Jared, and Peter Brady.

After a plug for Bachelor In Paradise and a summary of “what happened” this entire season, we all must sit and suffer while Formerly Hot Ian gets down on his knees in front of the men and says he apologizes to all of them, and to Kaitlyn, and to the world, for being a giant assnugget.  He claims that this is not actually who he is.  Except we don’t believe him, and we are not really sure anyone else does either, and so this is just very awkward.

Corey from New York defends Ian because he thinks “a lot of Kaitlyn’s decisions were in poor taste” (*cough*LEGGINGSASPANTS*cough*).  But that is probably because he got cut really early on. 

So then we are off to Uncomfortable Dynamic #2, which is the Clint and JJ Motherpucker relationship.  Clint is clearly there only because his contract makes him be, and basically looks stern and says nothing all night.  JJ Motherpucker, on the other hand, cannot stop talking, in sexual euphemisms or otherwise.

Gentle readers, JJ takes the “Hot Seat” and, after he and Clint both declare their heterosexuality, tells us that his relationship with The Tiny Dancer simply did not “gain momentum” like it did with some of the other men, and that he regrets bringing his “brand of humor” to the show.

1. His relationship with Clint “went beyond the surface level."
2. There was a lot of “meat on that bone.”
3. He took his “eye off the ball.”
4.  And as for Evil Nick, Kaitlyn owed it to herself to “turn over every stone.”

“I think that’s called ‘tea bagging’” whispers this Viewer.

‘Yeah, you really blew it,” concludes Chris Harrison.

So then Ben the Personal Trainer takes the stand, and we pretty much don’t hear anything he says because of The Hotness.  He feels that he learned a lot on the show, especially that he can open himself up to someone in a shorter period of time than he could before.   And then this happens:

Chris Harrison:  “Have you cried since your mom died?”
Ben the Hotness:  “No, but I will in time.”
Harrison:  “A good cry is good for you.”
KMu:  “Words of advice from Chris Harrison.”
This Author:  “Well, he did write a Romance Novel.

Just Jared is up to bat next.  We actually feel bad for him because he seems to be a good guy.  Also, we are glad he finally shaved A Shape into his facial hair.  Chris Harrison tries hard to get something out of him: “I bet that when you watch this show back, it’s hard for you to understand why you were let go.”  Really, REALLY?

Last up, Peter Brady. We feel bad for him all over again as we relive his aggravating conversation with Kaitlyn about “what the hell happened in San Antonio” and he explains to the audience that she had slipped into their room one night, where the three of them (Peter Brady, Tiny Dancer, and Calvin Harris) had stayed up talking for 6 hours.  Except when Peter Brady left to take a shower, he could tell the vibe in the room had changed when he came back.   And also, feeling unlovable is his biggest fear, which is sad.

And then Kaitlyn comes out dressed like she is about to Skate for the Gold with Team USA:

It is also missing some fabric:

What happens next shall be called the Cyberbullying Portion of the Show.

The Harrison talks about how ABC “pushes boundaries” on the show but that Kaitlyn is comfortable with the decisions she has made.  She says spreading hate is not ok, and that the backlash she has received for some of those decisions has included death threats. 

The Harrison reads three terrible tweet/messages basically calling Kaitlyn a “whore” and a “slut,” and the men are completely taken aback.  At which point KMu reads This Viewers mind with the following points:

KMU:  “II understand that ABC is supposedly “confronting’ her bullies, but really they are just feeding off the controversy.”  

KMu again: “To me, the issue is that if someone  had said they’re  going to read three horrible emails, I would have immediately said “they’re going to contain the words “whore” or “slut.”  And yet these men are completely shocked and surprised that would be the case.  Like they can’t even imagine. And THAT’s the real issue.”

KMu, for the Truthsaying Win.

There are some extreme softballs thrown at the Tiny Dancer by Just Jared and Peter Brady, Kaitlyn still fails to articulate why she told Calvin Harris about sleeping with Evil Nick but not anyone else, and the (and right after the cyberbullying thing), everyone makes more jokes about JJ and Clint. Oh, irony.

Awkwardly, this episode ends WITHOUT asking Kaitlyn whether she is engaged, whether she is happy, and without announcing who the next Bachelor will be.

The season Finale will be next week, babies, and WE WILL BE HOME for that one.  So will ABe, who abandoned KMu and This Viewer for Uganda this week.  Priorities. 

Oh, and Britt and Vaguely Dirty Brady have broken up.  We know you are both Shocked and Surprised.

Love,
KLo