Tiny Dancer Part 7: In Which Much Wailing and Gnashing Occurs

Babies, we have some Morning Announcements. 

First, the power went out this morning at Chez KLo, which is why this blog is late.  Will there ever be a week without Adversity?

Second, we are heading into The Wilds this week, not to return until Tuesday July 14^th.   We allegedly will have a television in The Wilds, but are unconvinced that it will be showing anything other than “What To Do If Eaten By A Bear” or alternatively, “In The Belly of the Beast.” Therefore, there is a possibility that the BNU may be delayed by as much as a week at some point – for TWO Mondays because we planned our trip poorly.

Our third announcement is that you are happy (All Of You) about The Wilds because everyone needs a vacation.  We cannot help that ABC didn’t tell us about this summer bonus edition of The Bachelorette when we were planning ours.   But we will miss you, truly.  And will try to blog next week if the television cooperates.

So Tiny Dancer Part 7 picks up with Taylor Swift’s New Boyfriend Calvin Harris being very needy.  He has sneaked himself up to her hotel room to seek reassurance (him:  “are you in love with me?” her:  “I am falling IN love with you”) and to steal some sweet kisses that are Not Gross.  Except he is having a hard time and thinking about leaving because of All This.   Kaitlyn, in a voice over, has come to the conclusion that All This means Sleeping With Evil Nick.  She feels awful because she “hates disappointing people” and feels that she has cheated on various menfolk with Evil Nick and that they will all find out.

Babies, her “heart would break if [Poor Man’s Gosling aka Calvin Harris] left!”  But Oh!  All her other relationships!

“Does she think it’s a valid option for her to end up with more than one of them?” queries KMu.  “Like, is this Brother Husbands?”

But we are distracted because Kaitlyn has a blush brush and is putting it ALL OVER THE PLACE.
This Viewer:  “This is when I realize that I don’t know how to put on makeup.”
KMu:  “Wait, THIS is when you realize that?”

Yes Gentle Readers, we know this will come as A Surprise, but we can turn ourselves into The Firebird if needed, but do not Use The Paint Otherwise because we think it’s better for the public not to have Auntie Mame wandering the streets.

Anyway, Kaitlyn and her blush brush are “looking forward to” her 2:1 with JJ MotherPucker and Bart Simpson, which makes exactly one of us.  She does some voiceovers about the men:  each are “hilarious!” and “handsome!” And then she walks them down the plank to a fishing boat, probably to die.

Except we are distracted.  This Author owns a pair of sweatpants that our husband hates with the Fire of A Thousand Suns.  We inherited The Pants from our sister ERo, probably because her husband had the same reaction to them.  These pants make “what God spent [an undisclosed number of] years lovingly shaping” into “an elephant’s back side” (says this Viewer’s Husband).   Conversely, this Author loves The Pants because they have pockets AND a drawstring.   

So we are particularly pleased to discover that Kaitlyn has The Pants too, except she’s wearing them as some kind of sweater/shawl on her 2:1 date.  See, They Are Versatile!!!

So this date is awkward.  Kaitlyn floats around the Irish coast with JJ’s arm wrapped around her and holding Bart Simpson’s hand, until they reach “Irelands Eye,” an island where They Will Picnic.  JJ chooses the picnicky moment to confess to her – in front of Bart Simpson – that he is Falling in Love With Her and ALL THREE TOAST to the news.  We drink nervously of our wine, lovingly supplied by KMu.

JJ then decides to “show the worst of himself” to Kaitlyn, because this is always a good idea on a date.  So he tells her that three years ago, he cheated on his wife.  His daughter is 3 now, so do the math.  He says it was the worst mistake of his life, and that he lost everything, and we can see why.  

We give his ex-wife a high five for what must have been a difficult period. 

Secretly, we think people make mistakes and no one wins a lot of the time.  Except JJ is such an Ass Nugget that we have a hard time being sympathetic to him.

“I’m glad you told me because cheating IS MY BIGGEST FEAR IN A RELATIONSHIP” says Kaitlyn.
“Really, REALLY” says This Viewer, who has just suffered through 45 minutes (so far) of The Tiny Dancer having Anxiety about The Other Men discovering she has taken her Ladybits on a Tour De Nick.  

JJ gets the Axe, but Bart Simpson does NOT get the rose . . . yet . . . because she feels she “needs more time” with him.  Eventually, he comes home with it, but we have to suffer through a whole lot of Taylor Swift’s New Boyfriend stressing about “Where Things Stand” first.

Blah blah as Bart brings the rose home, Poor Man’s Gosling storms out of the room and back up to Kaitlyn’s hotel room.  This is getting ridiculous.  The Tiny Dancer is sobbing because she believes Gosling will confront her about Nick and tell her that he doesn’t want to be here because of “mistakes” she’s made.  “Obviously that’s what’s happening,” says Kaitlyn.

Turns out, it’s not.  Taylor Swift’s New Boyfriend Calvin Harris just needs more reassurance. Instead, he wants to talk some more about what happened in “San Antonio last week,” during which Kaitlyn snuck down to talk to him and Peter Brady off-camera, and ended up telling Calvin that she thinks he is “the one.”  

Tiny Dancer is almost giddy with relief that he is not confronting her about Evil Nick.  She then turns the whole conversation around to Calvin needing to TRUST her and the process and “when this happens, it makes me question us.”   We hate her for this.   Poor poor Calvin, who becomes scared at this threat.  

[Sidebar]:  We also hate the Tiny Dancer’s ring, which is like the entire state of Tennessee on her third finger, balancing across its neighbors.  We hate this fashion trend, almost as much as Evil Nick’s beaded bracelets.

At last we are at a rose ceremony, at some castle.  We are also getting bored because Kaitlyn is continuing to worry about “the mistake she made in San Antonio”  by having off-camera time with Calvin Harris and Peter Brady, because that is SO MUCH more significant than the mistake she made with Evil Nick.  Rage.

“Why do all these mistakes keep happening to me???” asks KMu.

Kaitlyn then tells the men vaguely that she has made some “mistakes,” leading all of them to wonder what the mistake was (some think it’s giving them a rose, some think it’s something worse, blah blah).  As the remaining men all sit awkwardly in a silent trust circle with Kaitlyn, Ben the Personal Trainer swoops in and cuts her from the crowd.

“That is a grown ass man,” says KMu, for All Of Us.

And then, as our respect for Ben the Personal Trainer has just increased, so too must it increase for Peter Brady.  In 1:1 time, Peter Brady looks Kaitlyn straight in the eye and says “Our date went well in San Antonio.  The cocktail party after was then bad.  But you came down to talk to Calvin Harris and me, and that was exciting because I am always happy to see you.  Except then I left to take a shower, and when I came back the vibe had changed and Calvin Harris was super happy.  What happened?”

Kaitlyn: “Erm, Uh, what do you mean ‘what happened?’
KMu explodes:  “Peter Brady could not have been more clear!  ‘A, B, C, D, E, what’s F’ and she’s like ‘what?”
Peter Brady:  “Am I just here spinning my wheels?”
Kaitlyn: “Erm um thanks for not jumping to conclusions.”
KMu. “OBJECTION, NONRESPONSIVE.”

We love Peter Brady, find him and Ben the Personal Trainer too good for this show, and hope they find happiness off-camera.

And then we see Kaitlyn’s outfit and Gasp:

Babies, it is a black bra under shizzle covered mesh.  This is not dissimilar to what This Viewer wore in a Drag Show during the Ballet Days (only ours was much, MUCH shorter but no less terrible).

We are so horrified by this outfit that we almost don’t hear Kaitlyn’s 1:1 time with Evil Nick, where she tries to tell him “don’t talk to the other guys about what we did.”  We are so tired of, and so bored with, Kaitlyn trying to do damage control.   Nick cries, says he’s “confident, but then remembers he was the overconfident guy” in Season Prosecutrix (striking just the right note of pathos to be manipulative), and then they kiss it out.

Vomit.

In further 1:1 time with Taylor Swift’s New Boyfriend Calvin Harris, Kaitlyn then makes him feel even worse by telling him she is “concerned” about how he “fights through things” in relationships.  As he starts to tear up, Kaitlyn tells him they need to “take a step back” in their relationship.  This Viewer becomes extremely angry at the Games of Manipulation Kaitlyn is playing. 

So finally we are at the rose ceremony itself, and we realize that Just Jared, Evil Nick, and Bart Simpson all have roses from the past several dates.  We become depressed because all three of those men Need to Go, but Kaitlyn is going to have to cut someone else more deserving because she gave the roses to those three ninnies. 

And she picks:

1. Peter Brady
2.  The Dentist
3.  Calvin Harris

Ben the Personal Trainer and Michael Scott go home.   Our heart breaks for Ben:  “This is a girl that my mom would have been proud to meet.   A cool girl.  A beautiful girl.  An amazing woman.  I know I can make someone happy.  Forever love is the only thing I NEED.   Everything else is life just a want.  I just have to find her.”

KMu and this Author are Depressed.

Awkwardly, we segue into the next round of dates.   The men are traveling by bus to Killarney, with Kaitlyn riding alongside them in the car. . . with Just Jared because surprise, this is a date! 

“Why doesn’t he ever comb his hair?” says KMu, for all of us.
And then, “Why is Evil Nick wearing a bathrobe?”

We are annoyed about Kaitlyn’s date with Just Jared, which we barely see.  They drive, and then they kiss the Blarney Stone.  Meh.  Meanwhile, Calvin Harris snores loudly in the bus.  Once they arrive, The Dentist declares, “now THIS feels like Ireland!  Churches and Hotels! This is what my soul looks like!”

We are pretty sure this Viewer’s soul contains neither a church nor a hotel.

So after everyone settles in, Chris Harris comes to visit Kaitlyn.  They obviously woke him up, because he is wearing a blazer over a sweatshirt.  But he tells Kaitlyn that they are switching up the remaining weeks because Kaitlyn keeps having so much off-camera time.  ABC wants to “even the playing field.”  So The Harrison tells Kaitlyn that she will be going from 6 guys to 3 in the next week, followed by the Romantic Overnight Dates with the final three, then will meet the families of the remaining two men, before she picks a winner.

“Wait, did ABC just cut her season?” says KMu.
“Is this going to be happening WHILE I AM IN THE WILDS?” cries this Viewer.

 “It’s all good if you screw up, as long . . .as it’s all about where you go from there.  That’s a sign of good character” interrupts Chris Harrison, confusingly.
“Another life lesson from Chris Harrison,” concludes KMu.

After all these big announcements, the first date is with The Dentist.  “Let’s Take our Love to the Edge,” reads the date card.  Turns out they are taking a helicopter to the Cliffs of Moher *cough*Mordor*cough.

This date is extremely boring.  Kaitlyn asks the Dentist what the other men thought about having only three people left, she asks what her life would be like with him, and then she starts to cry.  And she tells him that her heart is elsewhere and she doesn’t want to lead him on.    He tells her he sees where this is going, but why? And she gives another chickenshit answer.

“I want to hit her.” Says KMu. “Here is another guy asking respectfully for a clear explanation, and she’s all ‘eh eh eh’ AGAIN.”

Then Kaitlyn abandons The Dentist on the Cliff. In Mordor.  As he cries and cries hysterically and says (we believe correctly), that Kaitlyn deserves a lifetime of happiness but that he’s not sure she’s actually ready to find that yet.

Stay tuned for next week (which might be a little late sorry sorry sorry), when Kaitlyn FINALLY owns up to the Sextos with Evil Nick.

KLo