Tiny Dancer Part 8: In Which Peter Brady is Our Only Hope

Babies, as you know, we are in The Montana, with (turns out), NO television.  And yesterday, we faced The Adversity on the mountains in the form of a 13.2 mile hike along a sheer cliff wall while struggling with The Vertigo. So, we are also Broken, and a little Thankful the Be Alive. 

We begin Tiny Dancer Part 8 with a Butt Dial from ABe:

“Hello? Hello?” says this Viewer.
“Oh, I accidentally called you.  Sorry about that,” says ABe. 
“That was some weird timing. I am watching the Bachelorette,” says This Viewer.
“Oh, you are just going to see Kaitlyn running around in leggings as pants, saying ‘mwah mwah this is so hard.”  She concludes.

We could finish really stop this blog right there, as ABe speaks the truth.  But we do not because we Are Committed.  And also, it is raining outside so we cannot go play.

So here we see Kaitlyn, wandering around Killarney in leggings as pants, feeling “drained” and “sad” about sending The Dentist home and “guilty” about taking things too far with Evil Nick.   As she stands contemplating the countryside, the first date card comes for Peter Brady. “Let’s make this day unforgettable” it says.

The next segment shall be entitled, “The Part in Which We Conclude Peter Brady is Too Good for this Show.”  Turns out this date is a long slow boat ride, with Peter Brady rowing a la The Notebook, to Innisfallen Island.  Wait, this Author has been there!  Our guide, a Norwegian guy named Sven, tried to sweet talk This Author into a date on the boat ride between island and shore.  Ah yes, the glory days when time stood still, before the ravages of time.   If only we had known exactly How Downhill everything was about to go, we would have worn a swimsuit every day.  But we digress.

So Peter Brady is calmly confident, making us (All of Us) swoon.  He wants Kaitlyn to feel all the feels about this “journey,” and to support her through it.   They arrive at some ruins, where Peter suggests a game of hide and seek, and then later confesses to All of Us that he deeply loved his previous girlfriend, such that when that ended, he wondered if he was lovable at all.  Turns out, the gf was just not that into him WHICH WE DO NOT UNDERSTAND because at this point, Peter Brady is the best thing ever.

Kaitlyn really sells herself to Peter Brady, telling him that she can be “hard to deal with,” and we become annoyed.   We become even more annoyed at her when Peter tells her over dinner that he is really looking forward to the overnight dates in order to spend some time off camera with her, and to talk, rather than to focus on the physical because “that is not the purpose of this thing” and he respects her too much.  In response, she asks him if he is a virgin. RAGE.

We know this date ends well, but now we don’t want Peter to win because we love him too much.

Meanwhile, date card #2 has arrived for Bart Simpson, Taylor Swift’s New Boyfriend Calvin Harris, and Evil Nick.  “Let’s let our love run amok.” 

The men debate the meaning of the word “amok” and we become depressed.

But in the end, we don’t really understand where this date is or what running amok has to do with anything, as it mostly consists of the three men sitting awkwardly on a set of very cold benches, while the Tiny Dancer has 1:1 time with a few of them. While wearing leggings as pants.  We wonder if she does not have laundry service in Ireland.   

Out of the gate, Calvin Harris steals Kaitlyn for some 1:1.   He has cooled his heals for a week and is now looking forward to getting back on track with her.  They kiss, she wants to tell him that she slept with Nick (but doesn’t), and . .. end scene.

Next up:  Evil Nick.  During this entire conversation, he covers his mouth with his hand. 
Tiny Dancer;  “How did you feel about our date.”
Evil Nick: “ermd;wef good werfds”
TD:  “I feel like things went too far.”
Evil Nick:  “how I urmgh feel good about  grfl you.”

*Smack* Slobber*Smooch*

If this Viewer were not on vacation, we would have even less tolerance for this man.

At last, we have time with Bart Simpson. Oh! He is ready to be engaged!  Oh, he could kiss her and only her for the next 60 years!”  Kaitlyn is looking more and more awkward until at last, she dumps him.  Bart Simpson immediately turns on her, goes cold, and almost refuses to hug Kaitlyn goodbye.   While he is not being very gracious, Kaitlyn is also not helping things by asking questions like ‘are you mad at me?”

In conclusion, Bart Simpson swears and stomps off, never to be seen from again.  The Tiny dancer tells Evil Nick she will see him at the rose ceremony, and tells Taylor Swift’s New Boyfriend that she needs more time with him but Not Right Now. 

Turns out, 2 minutes later was enough time because when next encounter Kaitlyn and Calvin sitting in the very same spot that Kaitlyn sat with Our Beloved, Peter Brady, not one day earlier.   She takes a deep breath, and because she feels “compelled to be honest with” Calvin, tells him after much  hemming and hawing that she and Evil Nick “had sex.” 

Calvin’s face freezes.  Finally he says, “do you regret it?”
“I felt guilt. And I wasn’t expecting to.” Says she. “But I did because I was worried about what this might do to our relationship.”

Wisely, Calvin Harris excuses himself for a minute to gather his thoughts.  Except then this happens:

(Photo courtesy of KMu & ABe, who have not Foresaken this Author, though she is Absent From Them).

Eventually, Calvin comes back to sit with Kaitlyn.  He tells her that he is falling in love with her, and that he doesn’t want to make this about Evil Nick because his focus is on her, and that’s the only thing he wants out of this experience – to walk away with her.  So he’s just going to swallow this and move forward.

Holy crap.  We are impressed, sort of, except then we are not because *spoiler alert* Calvin Harris Does Not Get Past It. 

As this is occurring, Evil Nick is complaining that he has not gotten enough time, or as much time as the other men, with Kaitlyn and we want to Punch Him In The Throat.  

But it is too late, because now the rose ceremony is upon us.   Chris Harrison drops A Bomb: Kaitlyn does not want drinks this evening, for she has Made up Her Mind.  We all feel sick about this, for different reasons.   We also wonder if we could just take a nap through the rest of this episode.

Except the men are being taken by horse drawn open carriage towards a castle, and we are wondering if this is Harry Potter and someone has experienced death.  Kaitlyn is dressed like a Solid Gold Dancer of this Viewer’s Childhood, as she summons the men forward and picks:

1.  Taylor Swift’s New Boyfriend, Calvin Harris – but wait!  He must talk to her before he accepts!   He tells her that he doesn’t understand “why Nick of all people,” and why on earth she would jeopardize their relationship with someone like that.  She gives some nonsense about needing to trust her, and that he’s the only one that she has told about The Sex Thing, and that he has to let her figure this all out on her own.  He says “erm” and then . . .

We weirdly cut back to the rose ceremony, and Calvin Harris is accepting the rose.

Next, getting roses are:

2.  Peter Brady. YUAYAYAAYAYA.

3.  EVIL NICK.

NOOOO. 

Just Jared goes home, and we are really sad for him.  He is completely gracious about the whole thing, even offering his coat to her.  We feel terrible, especially as Kaitlyn is now left with Peter Brady and two men who hate each other.

One hard edit later, and we are in Cork, Ireland.  Wait WAIT, This Author was there also!! How can this be happening, that the Bachelorette is taking a Tour Of Our Life. 

Except the next segment (a fantasy suite date with Evil Nick) is most decidedly NOT part of our life, for which we are grateful.

Kaitlyn shows up in (wait for it) leggings as pants.   Nick shows up in a sweater, and they have a discussion about where he purchased his fine sweater (Ireland, surprise!).

Gentle readers, Kaitlyn’s connection with Evil Nick is “very passionate and physical” but could it be more?   They go to church to find out.  As he explains how a confessional works, Kaitlyn feels closer to his “softer, sweeter side.” 

Their relationship, after all, is “not just physical, but spiritual.”

WHAT?

Demonstrating that spiritual side, he says this about his experiences in Eighth Grade:

They progress to a bar, where, six beers in, they are now mingling with the locals and Kaitlyn is giggling about how she can’t understand any of their accents. A random guy tells her that the secret to marriage is “trust” and we all cringe inwardly as Evil Nick and Kaitlyn discuss this Deeply:

Tiny Dancer:  “I do feel like that is amazing”
Evil Nick:  “Trust?”
Tiny Dancer:  “Yeah”

As Calvin Harris works himself back up into a lather about Evil Nick, Kaitlyn and Evil Nick continue on with their date with dinner and the fantasy suite.

Except the Tiny Dancer is wearing bandages covered in lace and we hate this dress with the Fire of a Thousand Suns:

 She is also wearing an Ankle Monitor masquerading as a shoe.

Over drinks by The Kitty, making its first appearance in Ireland, Evil Nick begins to badmouth Taylor Swift’s New Boyfriend Calvin Harris.  He tells Kaitlyn that he has no respect for Calvin, because Calvin projects insecurities and doesn’t give “people” a chance.  And also, he slept with someone else and boasted about it.

Let’s  just chew that over a minute.

Kaitlyn concludes that Evil Nick and Calvin Harris are just obsessed with each other and telling bad things about the other that “don’t really matter” and we secretly wish that she would just axe them both and run away with Peter Brady.  Except instead she invites Evil Nick to the fantasy suite.  He mutters something about “I want to wake up and you be the first thing I wake up” (or at least that’s what it sounds like because he has his hand over his mouth AGAIN). 

We start drinking more coffee, wondering if 10 am is too early for beer even on vacation.

They end the night in the fantasy suite at FOTA Island, or what this Viewer calls “Fear of Total Asshat” Island, as Evil Nick has his hand half way up her lace and they can’t stop talking about how they “cant get enough” of each other.

The next morning, they talk about bacon, him with his shirt off and her in her robe.  We are horrified.  They insist that they just ate chocolates, drank, and talked, but we Do Not Believe Them.  Whatever  happened, Kaitlyn now feels “really good” about Evil Nick.  GAH.

But trouble is brewing.  We see Calvin Harris pacing back and forth, and then finding Evil Nick’s room number, and then knocking at the door, and THEN launching at Nick (verbally) about what he “really thinks.”  Not here for the right reasons, etc. 

This part may be summed up as two children fighting by slapping at each others hands like little propellers.  We are exhausted.

But we couldn’t end this horrible episode without checking in on Britt and Vaguely Dirty Brady.  They are going to “try to make the long distance thing” work, though she doesn’t know when she’ ll be able to get to Nashville to see him.  Ah, summer lovin, happens so fast.  We give it a few more weeks, until the finale of Season Tiny Dancer airs.

Stay tuned for next week, gentle readers.  And remember, we are traveling back from Montana that day (assuming we are not eaten by a bear first), and so there will be another time delay.

Peace,

KLo