Tiny Dancer Part Finale: Shrimp Finger

 At last, it is at an end.  As KMu wonders out loud if it would be “wrong to taser my own children” who are Very Energetic for Bed Time, ABe and this Author survey the desolate landscape that is the Live Viewing Audience for the Season Tiny Dancer finale.

“Not even any people in the audience are black,” observes ABe.
“There are some with black hair” offers this Author.
“Not the same, KLo, Not the same.”

We survey the sea of whiteness and then turn our eyes to Kaitlyn, whose family has arrived to meet the last two guys at some beach house in LA.   Kaitlyn reveals that one of the men is from a prior season, and Sister Tracy says “Is it Nick V?”  and then makes an ‘O” face when Kaitlyn reveals That It Is.  Kaitlyn also says that her two men hate each other because Kaitlyn “screwed up,” making Tracy’s O face bigger.

 Kaitlyn is more explicit about the screwing with her mother.

Sister Tracy has that hairstyle that we hate (All of Us).  It is like a black mop, with a white mop on top of it. We spent years of our childhood watching the audience lady who sat across from us at summer stock theater in the round. We were mesmerized by the black triangle on the top of her head that would get bigger and bigger through Fiddler on the Roof and A Chorus Line, only to disappear behind frosted whiteness somewhere around Oklahoma and then creep back in again at Brigadoon. 

It seemed Very High Maintenance, which leads us to not understanding What is Going On On Top with Sister Tracy now.

In any event, Mom Leslie, who looks like Michelle Duggar with a makeover, is not as bowled over as Sister Tracy by the presence of Evil Nick.  Leslie admits that she was taken “totally off guard” and we sense trouble. 

So now Evil Nick has arrived, and he is wearing a deep V-neck.  He has more cleavage than the Tiny Dancer.

He also brings flowers for the family, which he presents as follows:

Family:  “Hi Evil Nick nice to meet you . . .”
Evil Nick:  “First I brought some gifts so here you go.”
Quelle Romance.

We note that he has changed his wrist beads for the occasion.  KMu wonders what the dads think (we have mom and step-dad, and dad and step-mom at this little party, and we are privately wondering if that might not be more stressful than meeting whomever Kaitlyn is bringing home).

After Tracy toasts their “amazing journey,” Leslie steals Nick away for some 1:1 time.  “We saw you last season. You were possessive, and jealous, and I don’t want to use the word ‘arrogant’ but Who are you?”   TEAM LESLIE. 

As Evil Nick launches into how he came here or Kaitlyn, Leslie is all, “Ok, so I get that, but what does she see in you?  Who ARE You?”

ABe concludes this is the Best Question from a Show Mom Ever, but Evil Nick has mustered up some Tears of Sincerity about the Deepness of His Love and mom Leslie softens.  And then Evil Nick asks and gets the blessing of her dad to propose.  Meh.

We have begun to tighten the hoodie on our sweatshirt because we don’t have an afghan and we need to hide behind something.  

This date then suddenly ends as Evil Nick looks directly over Kaitlyn’s shoulder as they kiss goodbye. Hello, Clarice.

Suddenly it is the next day and Taylor Swift’s New Boyfriend Calvin Harris is arriving for his turn.  We know we should care, except step-dad is wearing a shirt with LEOPARD PRINT CUFFS and we just cannot.  But we snap back into focus when we realize that Calvin has brought a gift for sister Tracy in addition to the moms.  Smart man.  KMu tells us that last week, which we still have not watched because of the Work Adversity, Calvin Harris was nice to his own sisters.   And also, he gives a nice toast at lunch.   We soften further towards this pretty, pretty boy.

We don’t know what to say about this date.  Calvin Harris talks to mom Leslie about Overcoming His Jealousy and we mostly fall asleep.  Except, we like Calvin better for getting both mom and dad together to ask them BOTH for their blessing, and for generally being honest and sincere.

Afterwards, Sister Tracy has a change of heart: 
ST:  “I am on team Calvin Harris.”
Dancer:  “What? You were on Team Evil Nick since last year!”
ST:  “Yeah, but you and Calvin just seem CONNECTED.”
ABe: “Wait, I didn’t realize that they were connected.”
KMU:  “Not connected.  Intimate.”

We shudder and pull our hood tighter.

Now it is time for the Dance for Your Life dates.  First up:  Evil Nick on a yacht.  He opens champagne, they cuddle face to face awkwardly, they talk about how their connection doesn’t “fade” and we are bored.

“I’m just going to take a little nap” says ABe.

Suddenly it is the evening, and Evil Nick is literally wearing the kind of man shirt that was popular when this viewer was in high school.  Striped, short sleeved, vaguely faded.  He gives some kind of toast about following hearts, but we don’t hear it because LAST season he had done this entire fairy tale book for the Prosecutrix and we are now loudly demanding to see what he has Come Up With for this season.

“I have a gift for you. . . in my bedroom” says He.
“FAIRY TALE FAIRY TALE FAIRY TALE” says this Author.
“In your . . . bedroom?  Really?” says Kaitlyn nervously.

Turns out, it is the worst poem ever:  

“There is magic in your eyes and when I look at you I see my future. 
There is electricity in your lips and when I kiss you I feel your energy. 
There is love in your heart and when I touch you, I feel a love worth never letting go”   

“Sorry I had to wipe the vomit out of my mouth,” says KMu.
“There is blood in my ears,” simultaneously whispers this Viewer.

 The Worst Poem Ever is also in an engraved frame that says “You and Me.” Our only consolation is that it does not say “You and I” or “Me and Her.”  

But Kaitlyn loves it: “He wrote it in a way that was like, So beautiful.” 
“Is she serious?” demands KMu.

Now it is morning and we are at Date #2, some winery.  And Kaitlyn is wearing this:

Ok, so what is missing from this drawing is the fact that this entire ensemble, including the booties, are the color of cooked shrimp.  Suddenly, we wonder if ABC is telling us something.

Babies, in the long long cycle of self-improvement to which you have born witness these 10+ year, we have tried and discarded (a) exercise, (b) not drinking, and (c) moderating our chocolate consumption.  We are now entering a new phase called Not Biting Our Nails.  In furtherance of this Heroic Effort, we had them painted grey at the salon For The First Time Ever a few weeks ago. 

Except here is our Party Foul:  We don’t actually know how to cut our nails or do anything with them because we have bitten them our whole life.  So two weeks later, the grey was all chippy and we were starting to panic.  And so at like 11 pm Saturday, as we discussed this at the kitchen table of our beloved friends DOe and PIa while consuming Substantial Beverages, DOe made us repaint our nails.  We chose pale pale pink.

And now we have a shrimp finger. 

Babies, I am just here to tell you that you have to get ALL the grey off your nail before painting it pink or it looks like shrimp intestines.  And we still don’t know how to cut the nail so it’s like a long, talon-y shrimp finger.

We also have a bubble finger, which we boogered twice and our husband boogered once trying to help us fix the first boogering. 

ANYWAY, all of this is to say that Kaitlyn is WEARING THE SHRIMP FINGER today and we are feeling mocked and vulnerable.

This date is awkward.  And Calvin Harris is totally upfront about it.  “Yeah, this is weird.  I know the other guy is here, so when you are different with me from the last time I saw you, I wonder if something has happened with him and that makes me stressed out.”   They talk about being in their heads and generally circle each other anxiously. 

“I’m just very well aware that tomorrow I will be getting engaged, and. . . “ says Kaitlyn.

BONG BONG BONG BONG BONG BONG BONG

“What the hell?” says KMu.
“Oh, sorry about that, it was my alarm.” Says ABe.
“Wait, you seriously just took a nap?” Says KMu.
“Um. . .” says ABe.

Now it is evening for them, and Calvin Harris has given Kaitlyn a jar of memories.  Which is actually an awesome idea. 

“Turns out, there are also clips in that jar from all of her dresses,” observes KMu, as she eyeballs the missing chunks from the dress currently on Kaitlyn’s back.

BONG BONG BONG

This Viewer again leaps out of her skin.
“WTF, ABe.” Says this Viewer.
“Sorry sorry sorry,” says ABe. “I hit snooze.”

At last it is the day of the rose ceremony.  At this point, this Author is tired, and complaining about having to go through with this at all.
“What are they going to do about . . . ok gotta go back.  Let’s go back and watch that,” says this Author as Taylor Swift’s New Boyfriend Calvin Harris walks slowly up the stairs shirtless. 
KMu rewinds.

Meanwhile, Evil Nick tells us that he “woke up . . .  feeling like,”
“Scott Disick,” supplies this Author.
“You just distilled Evil Nick down to his essence” says KMu, as we both look at Evil Nick in his board shorts and button down shirt.

Blah Blah Neil Lane appears at the door and shows both men some Large and Ugly Diamond rings.  Meanwhile, Kaitlyn is getting ready for the Final Rose Ceremony in A SHRIMP COLORED DRESS THEY ARE MOCKING THIS AUTHOR.

At last, Kaitlyn is standing by the Bachelor Mansion pool, in the middle of a plank built entirely of wedding dance floor boards.  And the first limo arrives.   We feel nervous. . . .until Evil Nick gets out and the entire BNU erupts with joyousness!  

But Kaitlyn makes Evil Nick go through his whole speech about the odds being against them, and we are thinking “buddy you have no idea,” and then he gets out a ring and starts to get down on one knee and THEN the Tiny Dancer is like:

“noooooooo.”

And she dumps  him.  And then they snipe at each other about him being confused and her not loving him, and all we can think is This Is Not The Time.  Finally, she makes him walk down the squeaky wedding floor board walkway towards a waiting car.   He throws the engagement ring across the car, along with the Claddagh ring they got in Ireland.

“But she slept with him so she HAS to marry him, right?” says ABe.
“I love when you make The Comedy with me,” Says KMu.

As Nick laments that he is now the “worlds’ biggest joke,” we are distracted because Kaitlyn has painted her nails like our nails.  Except she doesn’t have a shrimp finger. DAMN YOU, ABC.

We are still looking at Kaitlyn’s nails when Calvin Harris shows up.  Not to give this whole moment short shrift, but Calvin has a very long speech about how wonderful Kaitlyn is, and Kaitlyn has a very long speech back about how wonderful Calvin is, and then he proposes AND she says yes and they kiss and talk about how “hot” the other looks that evening.

Sigh.

Next up:  Bonus Hour of After the Final Rose. Here is all you need to know:  Kaitlyn and Calvin Harris are still together.  And actually seem wildly happy with each other.  Good for them, crazy kids.

And also, this happens:

ABe:  “The thing about Nick is that he has a nice body.  Like if you take his head off. . yu . . .mmy.”
KMu:  “That’s like Ichabod Craine.”
This Author:  “But I LOVE Ichabod Crain. He was like one of my first crush boys.”
KMu:  “What is up with you and the Adam’s Apple.”

And with that, this Shitshow is at an end.

Enjoy what’s left of your summer, Gentle Readers.

Love, KLo.