Peter Brady Part 1: What Can Beat Twins?

Babies, we are coming to you live from the Minneapolis airport!  Make an orderly queue because the lady that has Churched Up her travel attire of tennis shoes with a fancy scarf is none other than this Author.  We are also eating an Airport Chicken Omelet.  What could possibly go wrong?

Let us review our notes from last night:

Peter Brady, gentle readers, is embarking on an Epic Journey.  There will be kissing in the waterfalls and on a river!  Dreams will come true!  At some point, a contestant will wear white balloon pants and another will forget her bottoms!  And finally, there is a great deal of Crying Around a Manicure, as women ineffectually blot at their faces with the reduced surface space made available to them by their freakishly long nails.   This Author knew a man with a fingernail like that once.  He cleaned his ear with it.

We’ve Seen Things, babies.

We are thinking about The Man With The Nail and not really paying attention to the introductory information on Peter Brady until, STOP THE PRESSES, we learn that while he lives in Colorado, he is from Warsaw, Indiana.  THIS IS ENTIRELY NEW INFORMATION THAT WE DID NOT REALIZE.  Warsaw is the almost-hometown of this Author and ABe.  We start laughing helplessly as ABC plays a fantasy montage of Peter Brady shooting baskets against a red barn at sunset as the theme song from the movie Hoosiers plays in the background.  “Every Hoosier can shoot a basketball,” says Peter Brady.  Not this Hoosier, whispers This Author.

But now we are seeing Peter Brady’s elementary school, which “really formed him as a child,” and learn that “small town values” are important to him.  We also visit the movie theater where he had his first kiss, after which he was promptly dumped.  This Author’s first kiss came from a boy who Became Allergic to this Viewer (we are not making this up) before dumping us for another woman.  So Peter Brady, we Are Unmoved.

Behold, there are deer, as trees, and idyllic country roads and soon we are seeing his parents at what is no doubt Lake Wawasee.  But we love his parents because they are like, “seriously, Peter Brady, what is this nonsense about you being unloved or having a fear of rejection?  We realize that this is the story that ABC wants to tell, but it is The Horseshit.”  We are Team Peter Brady’s Parents.  Also because of this: “She’s going to be great, no matter where you find her.” Which will not be on ABC.

We leave Indiana with an image of Peter Brady, leaning against a tree in the sunset (again!) as A Farm Implement drives past him.  When this Viewer was in High School, we tried to take some of our senior pictures Amidst the Corn.  Some nice couple stopped to see if This Viewer and her friend were having car trouble, as they could not see why on earth a high school girl would have any interest in standing Within the Corn when it was not Detassling Season.  So Dear Bachelor Producers, you can show all the sunsets you want but it will not make People From Indiana any more Romantical.  

ABC takes us to LA, where Peter Brady is driving A Classic Car on his way to meet McConaughey, Pringles, and Big Daddy, because why? And also, who cares?  But Peter Brady cares, because he wants to “join the bachelor married club.”  He is 26, babies.  TWENTY-SIX.  At 26 this author was still making Very Poor Life Decisions such as Actors and Men From the Gym.  Nonetheless, Peter Brady is ready to settle down, and so he seeks Words of Wisdom from these guys.  “Kiss them all!” says McConaughey, for whom things worked out so well.  “Keep an open mind” say the others, “and follow your heart.”

And now we are at the mansion, and Chris Harrison is blathering on about how Peter Brady had a fear of being unlovable but here he is and Here is a Giant Pile of Women so Lets meet them All.

We meet Lauren, a 25 year old flight attendant who believes the beach is her “happy place.”  She would “love to land Ben.”  One of her friends says, “Hashtag Mrs. Higgins” and we vomit.

Ah, then there is Caila Quinn, or Kayla.  She is 24, sells software, and paints flowers!  And when she saw Peter Brady on television last season, she realized that she needed to break up with her boyfriend. 

Now we Meet Jubilee.  Gentle readers, it most certainly is the Year of Jubilee, as it has been approximately seven years since this show has had a black woman that is not masquerading as an Ambiguously Dark Skinned white woman. Welcome, Jubilee.  She is a baby, but spent four years in Afghanistan with the military.  We see her in a bikini, and wonder why she is wearing underpants that don’t fit.

Then there is Mandy, a 28 year old dentist from Portlandia that “embraces the weird,” which for her is trying on a variety of pretty standard “I’m trying to be funny”  hats (Viking, etc).  She will not date a man with Gingivitis, babies.  “Ben seems like he flosses, but I’m going to have to do an oral exam.”

On to Emily and Hailey, who are  . . . twins.   We investigate their ABC profiles, which also list their occupations as . . . Twins.  This is probably because they are 22 years old. We hate them.

After the twins, we greet Amanda, a 25 year old Esthetician who sounds like this Author’s 4 year old niece.  We hate this woman’s voice with the Fire Of A Thousand Helium Balloons Lit On Fire Atop a Flaming Ball of More Gasses.  She is divorced with two daughters, ages 3 and 2, and has not dated anyone since her divorce, which either happened a nanosecond ago or she had her babies in high school.  Amanda wants to marry Peter Brady because “he just seems like a really good guy, and like he has good morals.” Well, he IS this Author’s neighbor, so.

Next up, Tiara.   Tiara is 27 year old “Chicken Enthusiast.”  Yes, that is her occupation.  She has a “special chicken” called Sheila, who stays in Tiara’s room with her and does everything with her.  

Tiara is worried about being away from her chickens for the show, as she has never been away from them for more than 10 days before.  

Yes, Gentle Readers, In case there are not enough freaks already, let’s add a Tiara.

Behold, the last and final woman we meet in depth is Sam, a 26 year old law school graduate.  Yesssssss, a Lawyer.  Bring. It. On. She has a raspy voice and a dad who died at 13 from ALS. 

While we appreciate the In Depth Review, we are ready to move on to the limos and rip this bandaid of terrible episodes off as quickly as possible.  ABC hears our prayer, and the first Limo blazes into view. 

What follows can only be described as a little exercise called “Someone Say Something Memorable.”

Out from Limo #1 steps:   

11.    Lauren the flight attendant in Periwinkle. She brings Peter Brady some wings and whispers that she “hopes you are ready to take off on this journey together.”   

22.   Caila the software sales rep, who leaps into Peter Brady’s arms and cries, “Thank you so much for catching me, do you mind if I catch up with you inside?”

.3. Jennifer, a small business owner in a black dress that gives us sweet relief by simply saying, “Promise we’ll talk inside? “

4.  Jami, a bartender from Canada who knows Kaitlyn because of course she does.  We like her despite this, despite the two part white lace midriff bearing tragedy of a dress, and despite the fact that she tells Peter Brady that she hears he has a “big .. . heart.”

55.  Sam the baby lawyer, with her raspy voice and a red lacy sequin dress we are pretty sure A Retired Lawyer’s Wife recently wore to The Firm Holiday Party. She is thrilled because she just passed the bar.  We are thrilled because she asks the horrible question, “Boxers or legal briefs?” Bless.

6.  Jubilee, in a white dress cut down to her naval and so tight that it looks like she is sitting on a slingshot in the back. She informs Peter Brady that she is “really good at pick up lines,” and then says some terrible ones.   

7.  Baby voiced Amanda the Esthetician.  We hate her.

8. A real estate agent called “Lace,” who orders Peter Brady to close his eyes and then kisses him.  Take from him your leather, give to him your Lace, Lace.

99. ANOTHER Lauren, this one a “math teacher” who says that she has stalked Peter Brady on social media.  Because that’s not creepy.  She also exhibits poor listening skills, failing to give Peter Brady her name after asking twice.

10.  Shushanna, a supposed “mathematician,” who only speaks in Russian.  This is both annoying and ridiculous.  And also, you are not a mathematician just because you passed Algebra II, ABC.

After an ad break and a snack for this Author, The Parade of Horribles continues with Limo #2:

11.   We meet Leah, who bends over and hikes a football to Peter Brady.  We are horrified.  And then she says “I knew you were a catch,” and she is Dead To Us.  

12.   “Jo Jo “the real estate agent, who arrives in a Unicorn head.  She tells him “Unicorns do exist, I think I’m yours.”  So many thoughts jumble together in our minds.    

13.   Good grief, another Lauren.  This one is a kindergarten teacher.  She brings Peter Brady a bouquet of dead flowers from a wedding the other weekend.

14.   Laura, or as her friends call her, “Red Velvet.”  Ahhahhhaaa, says this Author, or as our friends call us, “White Diamonds.”  

15.   Mandy the dentist.  Predictably, Mandy exits the car with a giant rose headpiece and tells Peter Brady, “Maybe if things go well tonight, you can pollinate it later.”  We are really starting to hate the pickup lines.

16.   & 17:  The Twins.  Who are 22.  Who are 22 year old twins. 

As the woman funnel into a room, we have lost track of how many limos have come.  Red Velvet has melted down, and Lace is getting drunk, and someone is talking about how their anxiety is increasing as each new woman enters the room.  Thank god for. . .

18. Maegan, a cowgirl who shows up with a mini horse because “How do you beat twins?  With a F-ing mini horse, that’s how.”

 We don’t care what happens from now on, our life is complete.  “What’s happening with this party is that I got a Russian woman, a rose hat, twins, and a pony” says Jami the bartender, causing us to love her more, despite all the warning signs.

19.   This prepares us for Brianna, a “nutritional therapist” who insists that “gluten is satan” and asks Peter Brady to violently destroy baguettes on the sidewalk with her.

120.   Izzy the graphic designer who shows up in a ONESIE because she “had to find out if he was the onesie for me.”  This Author is wishing for at least Onesie drink about now.

221.   Now we have Rachel, of the occupation “unemployed.”  She shows up on a hover board.  Lace, who is heavily drinking, informs us all that she is not worried because she is “way prettier than everyone. I look really good.” 

222.   Next is Jessica, an accountant from Boca Raton, Fla. She feels like the “luckiest girl in the world.”

223.   Tiara the chicken enthusiast.  Meh

224.   The final Lauren –  a 23 years old fashion designer. There is no way, babies. No. Way.   Mr. Brady gently tells her something like, “it’s going to be for the best,” and we know she probably will not make it to the end.

25.   Jackie the Gerontologist – She brings a Save the Date card for March 24, 2016.  Yikes. And also, We guess we had better mark our calendars for the Finale.  

26.   Olivia and her giant breasts.  This is so different from virtually every other contestant that we cannot look away. She is a news anchor who talks about her single dimple. Clearly, she is young enough that her single dimple has not had little dimple babies all over her ass.   Something is off about this woman; we don’t like her even though she says everything right. 

So now all the women have assembled.  Olivia is declaring Peter Brady to be “a specimen! A god!” Meanwhile, he is calling his parents in Indiana, waking them up to tell them that he is happy as dramatic music plays.  With a vocal score.  Oo OO AH AH.  Blah Blah BLAH BLAH.  It is like the Carmina Burana of the Bachelor.

As Peter Brady enters the room, the women “wooo.”  And then, as he is attempting his first speech, Mandy interrupts him and wrestles him into a dark corner where she utters a line sure to sweep every man off his feet:  “Do you floss?  You better floss.”  AND THEN SHE CHECKS.  With a mirror and everything.

Now Olivia is dimpling with her one dimple at Peter Brady.  Dear readers, one short month ago, she was “a news anchor.  And I walked away from a job that I loved, because I think you’re worth it.  I love the outdoors.  I love traveling. And like, giving back.  That was the best part of my job.  Talking to high school girls.”  It is like a pageant speech; something is off.  I repeat. Something is off. We are pretty sure she has cue cards that read “volunteer.” “Disenfranchised.” “Cook.”  “Passionate.”  But it makes a big impression with Mr. Brady.

Anyway, Peter Brady chats software sales with Caila, sits down with the twins, and plays Pictionary with a real estate developer whose name we can’t remember.  He also play football with scary Leah, and guesses the name of a woman who didn’t tell him (Jessica?).  And then another limo comes with. . . . HEMINGWAY from season McConaughy and Amber, who was one of the ambiguously black women of a prior season. Ooooo.   Lace is pissed, in more ways than one:  “I’hm not gonnha let Hemingway geht ina my way.”

But Lace, despite her best efforts at stealthily stalking, cannot look away from Hemingway and Mr. Brady as they make their introductions.   She reports from the front lines:  “They are touchy.  Oh, getting touchy.  More touchy.”

When this author was in junior high, we had a crush on a guy who had class with our friend LGi.  She would write us reports:

He studies. 
He looks at the clock.
He erases.
He looks at the clock.

And we returned the favor for her:  “He rolls the dough.  He cuts the dough. He makes the cookies.” (Good old small town values:  Home Economics, babies).

Anyway, the point is that this Author was 12 years old.

Blah blah there is more bouncing between the women, including Jubilee advising Peter Brady and The World that she was “more nervous getting out of that limo than dodging bullets in Afghanistan.”  Really?  REALLY?  Lace steals Peter Brady away from Jubilee and tries to re-create their kiss.  He earns our eternal (until next week) affection by telling her that this is not the time or place because he’s really trying to evaluate the person, not just the physical.  THEN, Mandy the dentist swoops in and steals him away, and Lace feels destroyed. 

Not to fear:  Peter Brady finds Lace later on and explains himself again.  Lace misses the point:

 “ Ben ashked for me, ahn he made me feel schpechial.”  

This is exhausting.

NOW, Jennifer is explaining to Peter Brady earnestly that she has two requirements for a man: (1) alignment with her morals and values, and (2) physical attraction.  And that right there is the difference between 23 and 33.  Babies, by the time this Author reached 33, we also had two requirements for man, and they were:

1.        Presence

2.       Cleanliness. 

Let’s just all sit with that a moment.

Anyway, Peter Brady gives the First Impression Rose to Olivia.  Who says, “I’m really humble, but I’m deserving.”  Is anyone listening to the words coming out of this woman’s mouth?

Joining her with roses at the end of this episode are:

1.       Lauren the airline stewardess.  Jennifer is all, “This is tough.  This is an army of freakishly good looking women.”  (Privately, that is how This Author always felt when the German exchange students came to town).

2.       LB (another Lauren).  Really?  

3.       Caila. 

4.       Amber from the prior season.

5.       Jami the bar tender.  Boo yeah!!

6.       Jennifer.

7.       Jubilee.

8.       Amanda with the tinkly voice.

9.       Jo Jo.   

10.   Leah.

11.   Rachel – we don’t know her. 

12.   Samantha the lawyer, who swears,  “He can say Sam or say it in Spanish, as long as he says my name.”

13.   Jackie – We can’t keep track of her at this point. 

14.   Hailey – one of the twins. 

15.   Emily. The other twin. He must be joking.

16.   Shushanna, who is still talking in Russian.  We are annoyed.

17.   Lauren H. 

18.   Hemingway!!! Ooooo, snap.  Lace is working herself up: ‘who wants a f-ing virgin?”

19.   Mandy, the crazy dentist.  W.T.F.

Back comes the dramatic Viking-like music. “ah ah AH AH cah cah CAH CAH”

20.    Aaand LACE gets the final rose. Noooo.   

Nooooo.   The nutritionist, the cowgirl, Red Velvet, and god knows who else go home.  But Lace is not satisfied.  Lo, for she is mad that Peter Brady did not LOOK AT HER during the rose ceremony.  She pulls him away, she says “you didn’t look at me.  Do you want me to go home?  Because I’ll go home if you don’t really want me here.”

Peter Brady:  “Just to be clear, the issue is that I did not make eye contact with you.”
Lace: “blah blah blah blah.”

At this point, we wish Peter Brady would eliminate her, but he does not. 

With that, we are done with Part 1.  Stay tuned for next week, when KMu, ABe, and This Author reunite, and discover that there are a great number of tears. 

Finally, there was a “Bachelor Live” thing to follow, but we are boarding and also, we don’t care.

Love,

KLo