Peter Brady Part 1: What Can Beat Twins?
Babies, we are coming to you live from the Minneapolis
airport! Make an orderly queue because
the lady that has Churched Up her travel attire of tennis shoes with a fancy
scarf is none other than this Author. We
are also eating an Airport Chicken Omelet.
What could possibly go wrong?
Let us review our notes from last night:
Peter Brady, gentle readers, is embarking on an Epic
Journey. There will be kissing in the
waterfalls and on a river! Dreams will
come true! At some point, a contestant
will wear white balloon pants and another will forget her bottoms! And finally, there is a great deal of Crying
Around a Manicure, as women ineffectually blot at their faces with the reduced
surface space made available to them by their freakishly long nails. This Author knew a man with a fingernail
like that once. He cleaned his ear with
it.
We’ve Seen Things, babies.
We are thinking about The Man With The Nail and not really
paying attention to the introductory information on Peter Brady until, STOP THE
PRESSES, we learn that while he lives in Colorado, he is from Warsaw,
Indiana. THIS IS ENTIRELY NEW
INFORMATION THAT WE DID NOT REALIZE.
Warsaw is the almost-hometown of this Author and ABe. We start laughing helplessly as ABC plays a
fantasy montage of Peter Brady shooting baskets against a red barn at sunset as
the theme song from the movie Hoosiers plays in the background. “Every Hoosier can shoot a basketball,” says Peter
Brady. Not this Hoosier, whispers This
Author.
But now we are seeing Peter Brady’s elementary school, which
“really formed him as a child,” and learn that “small town values” are
important to him. We also visit the
movie theater where he had his first kiss, after which he was promptly dumped. This Author’s first kiss came from a boy who Became
Allergic to this Viewer (we are not making this up) before dumping us for
another woman. So Peter Brady, we Are
Unmoved.
Behold, there are deer, as trees, and idyllic country roads
and soon we are seeing his parents at what is no doubt Lake Wawasee. But we love his parents because they are
like, “seriously, Peter Brady, what is this nonsense about you being unloved or
having a fear of rejection? We realize
that this is the story that ABC wants to tell, but it is The Horseshit.” We are Team Peter Brady’s Parents. Also because of this: “She’s going to be
great, no matter where you find her.” Which will not be on ABC.
We leave Indiana with an image of Peter Brady, leaning
against a tree in the sunset (again!) as A Farm Implement drives past him. When this Viewer was in High School, we tried
to take some of our senior pictures Amidst the Corn. Some nice couple stopped to see if This
Viewer and her friend were having car trouble, as they could not see why on
earth a high school girl would have any interest in standing Within the Corn
when it was not Detassling Season. So
Dear Bachelor Producers, you can show all the sunsets you want but it will not
make People From Indiana any more Romantical.
ABC takes us to LA, where Peter Brady is driving A Classic
Car on his way to meet McConaughey, Pringles, and Big Daddy, because why? And
also, who cares? But Peter Brady cares,
because he wants to “join the bachelor married club.” He is 26, babies. TWENTY-SIX.
At 26 this author was still making Very Poor Life Decisions such as
Actors and Men From the Gym.
Nonetheless, Peter Brady is ready to settle down, and so he seeks Words
of Wisdom from these guys. “Kiss them
all!” says McConaughey, for whom things worked out so well. “Keep an open mind” say the others, “and
follow your heart.”
And now we are at the mansion, and Chris Harrison is
blathering on about how Peter Brady had a fear of being unlovable but here he
is and Here is a Giant Pile of Women so Lets meet them All.
We meet Lauren, a 25 year old flight attendant who believes
the beach is her “happy place.” She
would “love to land Ben.” One of her
friends says, “Hashtag Mrs. Higgins” and we vomit.
Ah, then there is Caila Quinn, or Kayla. She is 24, sells software, and paints
flowers! And when she saw Peter Brady on
television last season, she realized that she needed to break up with her
boyfriend.
Now we Meet Jubilee.
Gentle readers, it most certainly is the Year of Jubilee, as it has been
approximately seven years since this show has had a black woman that is not
masquerading as an Ambiguously Dark Skinned white woman. Welcome, Jubilee. She is a baby, but spent four years in
Afghanistan with the military. We see
her in a bikini, and wonder why she is wearing underpants that don’t fit.
Then there is Mandy, a 28 year old dentist from Portlandia
that “embraces the weird,” which for her is trying on a variety of pretty
standard “I’m trying to be funny” hats
(Viking, etc). She will not date a man
with Gingivitis, babies. “Ben seems like
he flosses, but I’m going to have to do an oral exam.”
On to Emily and Hailey, who are . . . twins.
We investigate their ABC profiles, which also list their occupations as
. . . Twins. This is probably because
they are 22 years old. We hate them.
After the twins, we greet Amanda, a 25 year old Esthetician
who sounds like this Author’s 4 year old niece.
We hate this woman’s voice with the Fire Of A Thousand Helium Balloons
Lit On Fire Atop a Flaming Ball of More Gasses.
She is divorced with two daughters, ages 3 and 2, and has not dated
anyone since her divorce, which either happened a nanosecond ago or she had her
babies in high school. Amanda wants to
marry Peter Brady because “he just seems like a really good guy, and like he
has good morals.” Well, he IS this Author’s neighbor, so.
Next up, Tiara.
Tiara is 27 year old “Chicken Enthusiast.” Yes, that is her occupation. She has a “special chicken” called Sheila,
who stays in Tiara’s room with her and does everything with her.
Tiara is worried about being away from her
chickens for the show, as she has never been away from them for more than 10
days before.
Yes, Gentle Readers, In case there are not enough freaks
already, let’s add a Tiara.
Behold, the last and final woman we meet in depth is Sam, a
26 year old law school graduate.
Yesssssss, a Lawyer. Bring. It.
On. She has a raspy voice and a dad who died at 13 from ALS.
While we appreciate the In Depth Review, we are ready to move
on to the limos and rip this bandaid of terrible episodes off as quickly as
possible. ABC hears our prayer, and the
first Limo blazes into view.
What follows can only be described as a little exercise
called “Someone Say Something Memorable.”
Out from Limo #1 steps:
11. Lauren
the flight attendant in Periwinkle. She brings Peter Brady some wings and
whispers that she “hopes you are ready to take off on this journey
together.”
22. Caila the software sales rep, who leaps into
Peter Brady’s arms and cries, “Thank you so much for catching me, do you mind
if I catch up with you inside?”
.3. Jennifer, a small business owner in a black
dress that gives us sweet relief by simply saying, “Promise we’ll talk inside?
“
4. Jami, a bartender from Canada who knows Kaitlyn
because of course she does. We like her
despite this, despite the two part white lace midriff bearing tragedy of a
dress, and despite the fact that she tells Peter Brady that she hears he has a
“big .. . heart.”
55. Sam the baby lawyer, with her raspy voice and a
red lacy sequin dress we are pretty sure A Retired Lawyer’s Wife recently wore
to The Firm Holiday Party. She is thrilled because she just passed the
bar. We are thrilled because she asks
the horrible question, “Boxers or legal briefs?” Bless.
6. Jubilee, in a white dress cut down to her naval
and so tight that it looks like she is sitting on a slingshot in the back. She
informs Peter Brady that she is “really good at pick up lines,” and then says
some terrible ones.
7. Baby voiced Amanda the Esthetician. We hate her.
8. A real estate agent called “Lace,” who orders
Peter Brady to close his eyes and then kisses him. Take from him your leather, give to him your Lace,
Lace.
99. ANOTHER Lauren, this one a “math teacher” who
says that she has stalked Peter Brady on social media. Because that’s not creepy. She also exhibits poor listening skills, failing
to give Peter Brady her name after asking twice.
10. Shushanna, a supposed “mathematician,” who only
speaks in Russian. This is both annoying
and ridiculous. And also, you are not a
mathematician just because you passed Algebra II, ABC.
After an ad break and a snack for
this Author, The Parade of Horribles continues with Limo #2:
11.
We meet Leah, who bends over and hikes a
football to Peter Brady. We are
horrified. And then she says “I knew you
were a catch,” and she is Dead To Us.
12.
“Jo Jo “the real estate agent, who arrives in a
Unicorn head. She tells him “Unicorns do
exist, I think I’m yours.” So many
thoughts jumble together in our minds.
13.
Good grief, another Lauren. This one is a kindergarten teacher. She brings Peter Brady a bouquet of dead
flowers from a wedding the other weekend.
14.
Laura, or as her friends call her, “Red
Velvet.” Ahhahhhaaa, says this Author,
or as our friends call us, “White Diamonds.”
15.
Mandy the dentist. Predictably, Mandy exits the car with a giant
rose headpiece and tells Peter Brady, “Maybe if things go well tonight, you can
pollinate it later.” We are really
starting to hate the pickup lines.
16.
& 17:
The Twins. Who are 22. Who are 22 year old twins.
As the woman funnel into a room,
we have lost track of how many limos have come.
Red Velvet has melted down, and Lace is getting drunk, and someone is
talking about how their anxiety is increasing as each new woman enters the
room. Thank god for. . .
18. Maegan, a
cowgirl who shows up with a mini horse because “How do you beat twins? With a F-ing mini horse, that’s how.”
We
don’t care what happens from now on, our life is complete. “What’s happening with this party is that I
got a Russian woman, a rose hat, twins, and a pony” says Jami the bartender,
causing us to love her more, despite all the warning signs.
19.
This prepares us for Brianna, a “nutritional
therapist” who insists that “gluten is satan” and asks Peter Brady to violently
destroy baguettes on the sidewalk with her.
120.
Izzy the graphic designer who shows up in a
ONESIE because she “had to find out if he was the onesie for me.” This Author is wishing for at least Onesie
drink about now.
221.
Now we have Rachel, of the occupation “unemployed.”
She shows up on a hover board. Lace, who is heavily drinking, informs us all
that she is not worried because she is “way prettier than everyone. I look
really good.”
222.
Next is Jessica, an accountant from Boca Raton,
Fla. She feels like the “luckiest girl in the world.”
223.
Tiara the chicken enthusiast. Meh
224.
The final Lauren – a 23 years old fashion designer. There is no
way, babies. No. Way. Mr. Brady gently
tells her something like, “it’s going to be for the best,” and we know she
probably will not make it to the end.
25.
Jackie the Gerontologist – She brings a Save the
Date card for March 24, 2016. Yikes. And
also, We guess we had better mark our calendars for the Finale.
26.
Olivia and her giant breasts. This is so different from virtually every
other contestant that we cannot look away. She is a news anchor who talks about
her single dimple. Clearly, she is young enough that her single dimple has not
had little dimple babies all over her ass.
Something is off about this woman; we don’t like her even though she
says everything right.
So now all the women have
assembled. Olivia is declaring Peter
Brady to be “a specimen! A god!” Meanwhile, he is calling his parents in
Indiana, waking them up to tell them that he is happy as dramatic music
plays. With a vocal score. Oo OO AH AH.
Blah Blah BLAH BLAH. It is like the
Carmina Burana of the Bachelor.
As Peter Brady enters the room,
the women “wooo.” And then, as he is
attempting his first speech, Mandy interrupts him and wrestles him into a dark
corner where she utters a line sure to sweep every man off his feet: “Do you floss? You better floss.” AND THEN SHE CHECKS. With a mirror and everything.
Now Olivia is dimpling with her
one dimple at Peter Brady. Dear readers,
one short month ago, she was “a news anchor.
And I walked away from a job that I loved, because I think you’re worth
it. I love the outdoors. I love traveling. And like, giving back. That was the best part of my job. Talking to high school girls.” It is like a pageant speech; something is
off. I repeat. Something is off. We are
pretty sure she has cue cards that read “volunteer.” “Disenfranchised.” “Cook.” “Passionate.” But it makes a big impression with Mr. Brady.
Anyway, Peter Brady chats software
sales with Caila, sits down with the twins, and plays Pictionary with a real
estate developer whose name we can’t remember. He also play football with scary Leah, and
guesses the name of a woman who didn’t tell him (Jessica?). And then another limo comes with. . . .
HEMINGWAY from season McConaughy and Amber, who was one of the ambiguously black
women of a prior season. Ooooo. Lace is
pissed, in more ways than one: “I’hm not
gonnha let Hemingway geht ina my way.”
But Lace, despite her best efforts
at stealthily stalking, cannot look away from Hemingway and Mr. Brady as they
make their introductions. She reports
from the front lines: “They are
touchy. Oh, getting touchy. More touchy.”
When this author was in junior
high, we had a crush on a guy who had class with our friend LGi. She would write us reports:
He studies.
He looks at the clock.
He erases.
He looks at the clock.
He looks at the clock.
He erases.
He looks at the clock.
And we returned the favor for
her: “He rolls the dough. He cuts the dough. He makes the cookies.”
(Good old small town values: Home
Economics, babies).
Anyway, the point is that this
Author was 12 years old.
Blah blah there is more bouncing
between the women, including Jubilee advising Peter Brady and The World that
she was “more nervous getting out of that limo than dodging bullets in
Afghanistan.” Really? REALLY?
Lace steals Peter Brady away from Jubilee and tries to re-create their
kiss. He earns our eternal (until next
week) affection by telling her that this is not the time or place because he’s
really trying to evaluate the person, not just the physical. THEN, Mandy the dentist swoops in and steals
him away, and Lace feels destroyed.
Not to fear: Peter Brady finds Lace later on and explains
himself again. Lace misses the point:
“ Ben ashked for me, ahn he made me feel
schpechial.”
This is exhausting.
NOW, Jennifer is explaining to
Peter Brady earnestly that she has two requirements for a man: (1) alignment
with her morals and values, and (2) physical attraction. And that right there is the difference
between 23 and 33. Babies, by the time
this Author reached 33, we also had two requirements for man, and they were:
1.
Presence
2.
Cleanliness.
Let’s just all sit with that a moment.
Anyway, Peter Brady gives the
First Impression Rose to Olivia. Who
says, “I’m really humble, but I’m deserving.”
Is anyone listening to the words coming out of this woman’s mouth?
Joining her with roses at the end
of this episode are:
1.
Lauren the airline stewardess. Jennifer is all, “This is tough. This is an army of freakishly good looking
women.” (Privately, that is how This
Author always felt when the German exchange students came to town).
2.
LB (another Lauren). Really?
3.
Caila.
4.
Amber from the prior season.
5.
Jami the bar tender. Boo yeah!!
6.
Jennifer.
7.
Jubilee.
8.
Amanda with the tinkly voice.
9.
Jo Jo.
10.
Leah.
11.
Rachel – we don’t know her.
12.
Samantha the lawyer, who swears, “He can say Sam or say it in Spanish, as long
as he says my name.”
13.
Jackie – We can’t keep track of her at this
point.
14.
Hailey – one of the twins.
15.
Emily. The other twin. He must be joking.
16.
Shushanna, who is still talking in Russian. We are annoyed.
17.
Lauren H.
18.
Hemingway!!! Ooooo, snap. Lace is working herself up: ‘who wants a
f-ing virgin?”
19.
Mandy, the crazy dentist. W.T.F.
Back comes the dramatic
Viking-like music. “ah ah AH AH cah cah CAH CAH”
20.
Aaand
LACE gets the final rose. Noooo.
Nooooo. The
nutritionist, the cowgirl, Red Velvet, and god knows who else go home. But Lace is not satisfied. Lo, for she is mad that Peter Brady did not
LOOK AT HER during the rose ceremony.
She pulls him away, she says “you didn’t look at me. Do you want me to go home? Because I’ll go home if you don’t really want
me here.”
Peter Brady: “Just to be clear, the
issue is that I did not make eye contact with you.”
Lace: “blah blah blah blah.”
Lace: “blah blah blah blah.”
At this point, we wish Peter Brady would eliminate her, but
he does not.
With that, we are done with Part 1. Stay tuned for next week, when KMu, ABe, and
This Author reunite, and discover that there are a great number of tears.
Finally, there was a “Bachelor Live” thing to follow, but we
are boarding and also, we don’t care.
Love,
KLo
3 Comments:
I dated a chicken enthusiast once. She was all clucked up!!@!
FOR THE WIN.
On board for another great season with the gang at BNU...CPa
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