Peter Brady Part 6: Better than a Bar in Dallas

Babies, we are very sorry for the time delay, but we are pretty sure that no one wanted This Author to die a fiery death amidst the Snow and Trauma this morning, racing back from The Big City at the very buttcrack of Dawn to write this Love Letter to you all.   But here we are and let us commence with the love.

Where we last left off, we were at the Rose Ceremony, and Peter Brady had dramatically pulled Olivia away so that she could Dance For Her Life.  We rejoin you with renewed perspective on this show.  Lo, for we have migrated to The Big City for the evening, where we have prepared ourselves for the Bachelor by sitting through cartoons with our two year old niecelet.  And just in case we are all wondering why The Bachelor strikes such a primal, familiar chord with so many Fine Young Women today, behold:

The women are filled with anxiety, wondering if now will be the moment that Olivia might get voted out of Fairy Hollow!

Meanwhile, Olivia continues dancing for her life.

“What are you thinking about?” asks Peter Brady.

“Well, from the beginning there was a target on my back and I felt like people hated me for it.  But like, people here are really into doing their hair and nails.  And like, I am different.” Says Olivia.
She continues: “I like reading books.  And I want to talk, like, smart things.”

“Is our children learning?” whispers KMu, across the miles.

As Olivia whispers about how she is Beyonce and can Handle It because she knows she will be with him, Peter Brady falls for her and lets her return with her rose (which we had previously forgotten that he gave her last week, for we have Slept Since Then).

The Girl Collective suck in their teeth as Peter Brady leads Olivia back to the group and then reminds them that he “enjoys and appreciates each one of you, and you are all different.”   Someone whispers to Olivia, “what just happened?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” she says back, crying gently.

And then to the camera:  “Let’s get this started.  They all thought I was leaving but they can COME AT ME, BRO.  I’m not goin’ anywhere.  People can suck it.”

And so we start the rose ceremony. 

Joining Olivia, the Dern, and Alvin with roses will be:

1. Caila
2.  Lauren LaurEN
3. Jo Jo
4. Hemingway
5. Leah, aaaaaand
6. Emily. 

Jennifer, whom we barely knew, gets the axe because of course she does.  She is normal. 

Alvin and all of the chipmunks are sad because Jennifer is “great.”  But Olivia, Gentle Readers, is “looking forward to the day where Ben Higgins is my husband” because “Ben and I’s love is so much stronger.”

But there is no time to be sad, babies, because we are GOING TO THE BAHAMAS!!  Soon we are whisked off to this tropical paradise where, after the requisite tour of the hotel and a drink to “continuing this journey” (courtesy of Olivia), Chris Harrison reminds us all that he exists by coming unannounced to reveal some Critical Information:

There will be one 1:1 date, one group date, and . . . the dreaded 2:1 date this week.

Leah becomes upset when Caila receives the 1:1 date card (“Let’s sea if our love is reel.”) because she wants 1:1 time, and she wants it now.  We are weary about all of what follows.

Caila and Peter Brady go deep sea fishing, which means that they basically hang out in a boat while he pinches her thigh.  Leah, back at home, is laying prostrate in the bathroom as she cries to the Dern about how unfair this all is as the Dern tries to comfort her.

Babies, Peter Brady and Leah, like, live 10 minutes from each other and, like, could have met at a bar in a previous life.   But they did not.  So now we must continue with more shots of Caila in her “denim underpants,” as our friend LGe terms them.

Gentle Readers, could Caila be Too Perfect for The Brady?”
“She is sexy and beautiful and smart,” muses he.  “But she is SO joyful, I wonder if I am going to be able to get below the surface.”
This Author’s sister, SHa:  “HAHAHHA.”

So he digs deeper while at dinner:

“So . . .I noticed you smile a lot.  But I want someone who will cry with me.  Would you?”
This Author’s mind:  “Is this really happening???”
Caila:  “Well, I feel bad because I don’t feel like, 100% ready to cry on your shoulder.  But, I feel like I love you, . . . I don’t know.  My greatest fear is that I can’t totally fall in love with somebody.”

Her Greatest Fear, Babies. GREATEST. FEAR.  

In this very moment, this Author’s Greatest Fear is this:

But more on that later.

ANYWAY, then this happens:

Peter Brady:  “Do you feel like you are ready to find someone?”
Caila:  “I feel like I am.” 
Caila Again:  “I feel like I am falling in love because I feel understood.”
ABe, via enraged text:  “WHAT THE F* DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?”

We don’t understand it, but she gets the rose. “It’s almost attractive that Caila is confusing,” says Peter Brady.

Sigh.

And then they kiss. . . and it is like “a gay man in a musical theater show,” concludes SHa.

Off we go to date #2, which is the group date advertised as “chilling on a boat.”  Hemingway is still on edge:  “The card said ‘love is unpredictable.  Do you know what else is unpredictable?  SHARKS.” 

But it is not sharks, babies.  It is something worse.  It is Pigs. In. The Water.  And they are going feed them chicken dogs.  KMu, for All Of Us: “Wait, so they didn’t guess that they were going to be feeding chicken to water pigs?  This might be my favorite date ever.”

Hemingway throws herself into being Pig Provider. 

But Jo Jo speaks the mind of All Women:  “This is like a bar in Dallas. Pigs Everywhere.”

But all is not happy in Pig Paradise.  The Dern, holding a piglet, announces that “This is pretty crappy.  I quit my job to come here and Peter Brady is off obsessing about Lauren LaurEN. “   Jo Jo explains, “most of us back at home don’t have these struggles.  But now we have to fight for his attention.” 

Well. Jo Jo has had a bit different experience than this Author.

 Blah Blah this date does not become more interesting.  Leah, who  has caught herself a chest full of dead fish with her net swimsuit, cries to Peter Brady about not getting 1:1 time with him.  And then she cries to Dern that she didn’t even get to tell him: “You don’t know how awesome I am!!!”  These are surely the words that every young swain longs to hear.

In the evening part of this date, Leah continues to cry as Peter Brady has 1:1 time with Hemingway (in a leather skirt and lace panties as a top) and Alvin and all of her chipmunks, to whom Peter Brady says: “the girl that I was with tonight, was the girl I like.  I need you to be that girl.”   Yeah, Alvin, be THAT girl, not the other one.

But then Lean squares her shoulders and goes in for the fight.  In 1:1 time with Peter Brady, she says “yo, there are women here that I don’t think are here for the right reasons (everybody drink).  And I don’t want to name names, BUT (drink drink). .. Lauren LaurEN.”  Who then awkwardly appears to interrupt.  So naturally, Peter Brady pours this out to Lauren LaurEN, because that never makes things worse.  And then Lauren LauREN is upset, and decides to talk about it with the group.

Leah:  “What?  Someone like, used your name?  I would never do that. . .  I would never say anything. . . “

We hate her.

At least she doesn’t get the group date rose, which goes to Alvin and her chipmunks.

And then, we kid you not, this happens:

Finally, it is the 2:1 date, with its usual card : “Two women, one rose.  One stays, one goes.”  And it is for Olivia, and Emily.  Oooooo.   As Olivia talks about how she is so mature she is practically Emily’s mother (because they are both 23 and um, yeah), ABC interrupts our programming for some drama back at home.

Babies, Leah has snuck into Peter Brady’s house to “make sure that he doesn’t end up with Lauren LaurEN.”  As Peter Brady sits with her on the couch, she uses her time wisely to talk about the qualities she can bring to this relationship:  “I just think that certain people in the house could have handled things differently and I don’t want to say bad things about Lauren LaurEN but. . . there are situations with Lauren LuarEN that she doesn’t care as much as she acts like she does.”

And then Peter Brady raises in our esteem by concluding that “the more Leah talks, the more there is a disconnect between us.”  Aaaand. . . .  HE DUMPS HER. 

Leah tearfully complains, “He didn’t have any idea who I am.”  Oh Leah, I think  he had a fair idea.

We return to our programming with Olivia, who is feeling “giddy because of my 1:1  . . . or almost 1:1.  We are writing our own love story!” 

We don’t care because she is wearing a crochet top and it is horrible.  Or at least, we think it is horrible until we see what Emily is wearing:

“Chicks and Ducks and Geese better scurry.  When I take you out in my surrey.  When I take you out in my surrey with the friiiiiinge on top,” sings this Author.

It is horribly windy out on this date, with the waves splashing violently and the terribleness of a brewing storm.   As Emily tries desperately to keep her hair out of her face, Olivia continues with the excellent grammar she learned in broadcasting school: “Ben and I’s love is all consuming.  It is an ever present, all consuming kind of love.”

As Peter Brady takes Olivia up island for a private chat, Emily becomes teary because he is carrying the rose.  Uh oh.  Is it curtains for Emily? 

Olivia:  “ I am very in tuned with my body.  I just really know who I am.  I like news and politics.  Intellectual things are just my jam.  I’ve come to a lot of really amazing realizations lately like, um, from the moment I met you I knew it was written . . . and I love you.” 

Babies, we don't know about Olivia, but we DO know that the following will now be on this Author’s Workplace Door until the Grown Ups make us take it down:   “Intellectual things are just my jam.”

We become even more worried when, during 1:1 time with Emily, Peter Brady says, “ soooo. . . you seem like you’ve grown a lot.  Can I walk you back?”
Sha : Well, she will be dumped.”

But babies, he doesn’t dump her.  INSTEAD, he dumps OLIVIA.  And then he leaves her by a geiser. 

YEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.   Although in fairness, we suspected it would happen at one point because our husband told us that Olivia was like a saying in The Frenches:  “She farts higher than her ass.”

We are ecstatic that Emily lives to fight another day over Olivia.

But Peter Brady.  Oh oh oh, he is on a cliff, and he doesn’t know what to do.

We are now at yet another cocktail party.  Jo Jo is suddenly worried she is going home, as The Harrison announces that Peter Brady has canceled the cocktail party For One and All.   Everyone begins to cry.  We think it is because no one wants to grow up and learn how to do their own taxes and fix the toilet and so forth.

In any event, to join Caila, Emily, and Alvin with roses, Peter Brady picks:

1. Hemingway
2. Jo Jo, and . .
3. Lauren LaurEN.

Ooooo, the Dern goes home.  We are unsurprised, as she looked like the nurse fairy and the nurse fairy never finds true love in the cartoons because her nose is a little too big and that is what matters in the end.  At least, that is what we are teaching our kids. 

Stay tuned for next week, when there are a lot of tears and everyone says they love each other and Peter Brady.