Peter Brady Part 3: Literally.

We begin Peter Brady Part 3 with an announcement from ABe:   “It’s MLK Day.  That means you have to be nice to black people today.”   We suspect this is because she doesn’t want this Author to tell you that she reported having “Aten” a bunch of cookies.   It’s ok, ABe:  we’ve all got to get our vocabulary warmed down for the Bachelor.

SO, let’s get to it:  This was pretty much the Most Boring Episode Ever. 

We start at The House, where some girls are gossiping that Olivia spent $40,000 on clothes for the show.  This Author suspects she knows from where.  The other day, we received a clothing magazine in the mail called something like “Vixen” or “Venus.”  And inside, we discovered every outfit ever worn on the Bachelor.  We are regretting not saving This Best Magazine Ever as Illustrative Photo Material for this Blog, but are confident it will come in the mail again.  ANYWAY, as the baby women discuss Olivia’s wardrobe, Olivia is advising the camera that she “just wanna hold his hand and kiiisss him.”

Chris Harrison breaks in with some Entirely Unexpected News:   There will be three dates on this episode:  two 1:1 dates and a group date.  He presents the first date card, which reads “The Sky’s the Limit.”  Aaaaand, it’s for the flight attendant, Lauren B. 

“She looks 12 years old,” says ABe. 
“She looks like Lauren LaurEN,” concludes This Author.  Or at least, a 12 year old version of the Bush who married a LaurEN. 

Peter Brady has a “great date planned” for Lauren LaurEN, who has “stood out to me since the minute she walked out of the limo” and should stand out again because she is wearing jean shorts and some kind of. . .
“Top/Not Top,” offers ABe.

It’s like a ruffle on some string. 

We next learn that ABC has found Amelia Earhart’s plane and decided to fly Peter Brady and Lauren LaurEN inside of it to see if they might also die.  They go to the airport, where they spend the day doing stunt turns in this 100 year old airplane and pretending to have fun.  Gentle Readers, this Author once went on a Desert Safari somewhere around Dubai, which (in part) involved riding in these ridiculous range rovers to a Desert Bellydancing Concert.  But before we got to it, we had to go up and down the dunes in those damn range rovers because someone must have told the Safari People that Westerners think that’s fun.

The Sea of Vomits in which this Author’s teeth were floating, is Not To Remain Untold.

Lauren LaurEN is not similarly affected.  She claims to feel like a “little kid” with Peter Brady.  (Really? REALLY?!?)  Peter Brady thinks she is making this date “so much more amazing” than previously expected, and informs her that he “likes the view” where she is sitting.  They kiss, and it is horrible. 

KMu provides analysis:  “It’s not him.  It’s her. What is going on there? This is NOT a good kiss.”

Then we come to a hot tub in the middle of a field.

“This is the time that we say a prayer for the poor interns that have to lug that,” says KMu. 

But our minds are on other matters.   One time, a group of this viewer’s college friends discovered a little pool that appeared to no longer be maintained at the hotel in which they were staying in the Dominican Republic.  And only upon swimming in it did they discover the Snickers Bar/NOT Snickers Bar swimming with them.

We look around wildly for the Snickers.

To the tune of a Spanish guitar, Lauren LaurEN changes into a bikini behind some trees and enters the hot tub.  KMu rightfully wonders if it is not, in fact, a bikini, but a training bra that Lauren LaurEN just purchased with her mother.   We don’t know, because they are kissing again and we want it to stop. And also, what if there is a Snickers in there???

At last it is dinner.  The only think you need to know is that Lauren LaurEN is wearing this:

It is white halter.  With a doily on top that is gathered up around the tuckus and also, with the fringies.   But Peter Brady is In Hots with Lauren LaurEN, and wants to know what her life is like because he has a tendency to “dive in full force.” 

“I like really simple things.” Says Luaren LaurEN.
Talking.  Not Talking.  Soup.
“My dad is the simplest of guys.  He is obsessed with his yard.” She continues.
“How has a dude not snatched you up already?” wonders Peter Brady.

The most interesting part of this whole thing is Peter Brady telling Lauren LaurEN about his father needing an unexpected triple bypass surgery, and how he saw in his mother’s eyes, at that moment, the love she had for him but also her fear of losing him.  Oh Peter Brady that is some hard stuff.  And also, please don’t marry anyone from this show.  Go back to Warsaw.  Meet a nice woman at the Dairy Queen who can handle Indiana winters and also, drive a pontoon boat.

But Peter Brady continues to be smitten.  He tells Lauren LaurEN “I just spent the day with you, and not only did I get the gift of looking at you and laughing with you. . .”

 If this Author had a dollar for every time her coworkers told her that, we would have zero dollars but we know they secretly think it.

 Blah blah she gets the rose.  And then they go dance in a barn (???) to some woman named Lucy Angel who has a very, er, involved makeup artist. Peter Brady, listening to her lyrics and dancing with Lauren LaurEN, feels “changed” by the woman.  We at the BNU feel changed by her dress.

Meanwhile, back at the house, Calia Is crying because “it’s just hitting me that there are amazing people here, and like, I don’t want to be guarded, but like, it’s going to be hard.” 
“Have you ever WATCHED THIS SHOW?” says ABe.

As she gets herself together, the group date card comes for:  Alvin and All the Chipmunks, Hailey (Twin), Jennifer, Shushanna, Event Planner Leah, Vaguely Black Amber, The Dern, Olivia, Jami, Lace, Unemployed Rachel, and Emily (Twin).  “Love is the goal,” it says.

Suddenly, the women are spilling out of a limo at the LA coliseum in athletic clothing.

This Author, as some of you know, has some Mennonite tendencies which May or May Not involve thriftiness in Certain Areas.  One of those areas is our athletic gear, because this author has never understood why one must be cute at the gym.   Except now our athleticy pants are like, 15 years old and, when worn with a crumbling t-shirt that says “Staff of 98,” or, even further in the Way Back Machine, “Boston Ballet,” take it A Bridge Too Far even for this Author.  So we look with interest at the Athletic Items Adorning The Young People these Days.  And immediately become depressed.  At least they won’t get lost in the dark, so bright is the dayglow.

This is apparently a soccer date.  And to teach them mad soccer skillz Peter Brady presents Alex Morgan and Kelly O’Neil from the US National Team.   As we are fan girling over these women and their NORMAL ATHLETIC CLOTHES, the following occurs during a practice drill:

The Dern:  “I have zero ball handling skills.”
This Author:  “Ahahahhaha.”
Alex/Kelly:  “I am surprised how few of [the women] have foot skills.”
KMu:  “Do any of them have any skills? . . . Of Any kind?”

Chris Harrison comes out in a referee shirt and divides the women up into “team stars” and “team stripes.” The winning team gets to continue the date with Peter Brady, which The Harrison just called “the Cup.”

The Stars begin with this chant:  “Star light, star bright, we’re gonna win Ben tonight!”  We believe they should immediately be disqualified. 

The game continues as expected, with Lace (the goalee for team stripes) conceding the first point because she didn’t know she could PICK UP THE BALL.  “My Bad,” she says. 

Emily (Twin) ends up being a beast of a goalie (team Stars), and we look at  her in a new light.  We like Beast Emily.  Meanwhile, Unemployed Rachel (team Stars) gets injured, and Olivia (team Stripes) decides to take advantage of it, but it is ultimately Jami the Bartender that scores the winning goal for Team Stripes.  People are crying.  “That was like a girl fight,” concludes Unemployed Rachel as she limps from the field.

 The survivors go to a cocktail party, where Peter Brady is wearing a weird leather jacket, and Hailey (Twin) is wearing giant chandeliers for earrings.
“Iiiiii, wanna swing, from the chandelieeeeeeeer,” sings KMU.
“1, 2, 3.  1 2, 3 drink.” Thinks this Author as she eyes her wine.

Olivia steals Peter Brady away to talk. “People find me intimidating, but I’m not,” she insists, as she leans in.

They kiss.

KMu acknowledges that Olivia is excellent at manipulating this game, but ABe has just discovered something we cannot get over:

“Olivia is 23 year old,” ABe says.

WHAT?

Girl looks at least 30. And also, that explains a lot.

The other women don’t like Olivia, and gossip behind her back:  “I think her boobs are fake and her breathe is terrible,” someone says. Someone else criticizes her toes as ugly.  Jami the Bartender gets mad about this, and tells Olivia because that always helps. And then this happens:

Jami:  “Some girls were, like, critiquing your body.”
Olivia:  “Let me guess, my calves.”
Jami:  “No…”
Olivia:  “My cankles?”

OMG JUST STOP GUESSING, OLIVIA. 

Jami:  “Like . . your toes.  Your toes aren’t cute.”
Olivia (to the camera later):  “Do I have bad toes?  I know I do.  I hate my toes.” 

We cannot believe this is happening.

While Olivia is worrying about her Cankles, Vaguely Black Amber is continuing the monologue that she began at the beginning of this season, complaining that she hasn’t had enough time with Peter Brady and that she is worried about what it might mean, while doing exactly nothing about it.  And she utters the most pathetic line ever:  “If it takes me two seasons on the Bachelor to find someone who loves me, it’s worth it.”  Oh, Honey.  Go take a watercolor class. 

Naturally in the end, she gets the rose on this date.

At last, date card #3 comes, saying “Love is in the Air.”  And it is FOR JUBILEE.  History is being made, people, even though we know that what probably happened is this:

KMu:  “Now I’m going to out-cynic the cynic.  They probably gave this rose to Peter Brady with an explanation that it needed to go to the black woman because the episode is airing on MLK day.”

We get a little nervous for Jubilee right from the start because, by this point, we have endured various melt-downs from her where she is worrying if she is worth it to Ben, and about how difficult it is for her to open up.  So when Peter Brady shows up and she acts a little odd and also not very excited for the date, we start to get the Nervous Sweats.

Jubilee is, in the words of Jami the Bartender, a little “awko-taco” today.  But we like her outfit, however, which involves A Linen Pants.

As a helicopter arrives to pick Jubilee and Peter Brady up from the compound, Jubilee makes an off-hand comment/bad joke to the other women about “anyone else want to go on my date” because she is afraid of heights.  We only mention this because of the ShitStorm that later ensues.

Anyway, they soon arrive at “a whole big miniature castle,” in the words of Jubilee, where there is a giant table of delicious looking food.  Peter Brady offers Jubilee caviar, which neither of them has tried but Jubilee promptly spits into a napkin.

“What’s your favorite food?” asks Peter Brady.
“I’m obsessed with hot dogs,” Says Jubilee.
“I like foot longs,” Whispers KMu.
“Is this really happening you guys?” demands ABe.

Eventually, Jubilee relaxes and we start to like her.  She reveals how surprised she was that Peter Brady picked her, and they play shuffleboard and joke around.  We just feel bad for her because she so clearly has so many insecurities.  

As they get into the hot tub, we suddenly discover that ABC has super-imposed our innermost thoughts about this moment into the backdrop of the show.

DAMMIT ABC GET OUT OF OUR MINDS.

Anyway, off we go to dinner, where Peter Brady tells Jubilee that she’s been a lot more open and honest with him than other people on this show, and she has “no idea how refreshing it is.”  And then she breaks all of our hearts by revealing that she was in an orphanage, apparently in Haiti, because her entire family died except her.  And that while her past is horrible, she is still grateful for it because it made her who she is today, and she likes who she is today. We have no words. 

She gets the rose on this date.

A new day dawns for the rose ceremony, and the ShitStorm hits.  Basically, the last hour of this show may be summarized as:  The other girls hate Jubilee and decide to take her down.  They blow up her comment about other folks going on her date, criticize her separateness from the rest of the house, and so on and so forth.

ABe:  “I am just trying to understand why they all hate her.”
KMu:  “Scene:  Middle School Girls’ Cafeteria.”

As the rose ceremony starts,  Peter Brady comes into the room all shaken up and announces that he just received a phone call saying that two people he was close to, died in a plane crash the prior night.  WAIT A MINUTE WE KNOW THIS.  We at the BNU determine that he must be referring to the plane crash that killed several people on the way to the Notre Dame – Clemson game this past season.  Oh Peter Brady, come back to Indiana! 

Mr. Brady advises the women that he’s feeling pretty down, but he’s reminded of why he is here – to find someone to sit and talk with when things like this happens.

Olivia interrupts him:  “Can I grab you?”
Beast Emily, the twin who has risen from the ashes of twindom like a phoenix to claim this Viewer’s position as Favorite for this Moment, describes this moment:  “Can I steeeeal you?”

   

And then this happens:

Olivia to Peter Brady:  “I really hate my legs from the waist down.  People have written blogs about how I have cankles.  And . . . . sorry [for she is CRYING now], I try to be strong all the time, but . . . it’s the scariest thing ever.”

ABe, KMu, AND this Author must pick ourselves off the floor. 

“That’s not really what I needed at the moment,” says Peter Brady to the camera.

Jubilee, filled with anxiety about how her relationship with the other women “isn’t the best,” makes it worse by giving Peter Brady a massage. This is admittedly awkward, but certainly no worse than Olivia’s reaction and at least makes Mr. Brady feel better.  But the other women are furious.  Jami the Bartender approaches Jubilee while this is happening, and Peter Brady says “that was just incredible; it’s like my favorite thing in the world.”  So Jami sucks in her teeth and marches back to the other women, who determine that the massage thing was “just rude.”  Jami then seeks out Jubilee to TELL HER because that seems like a good idea:  “We want to talk to you. There’s a bunch of us.”  Jubilee, in turn, says she’s “not doing a girl chat” and marches upstairs to the bathroom to avoid them all.

At this point, we are feeling sorry for Jubilee, who is trying to avoid drama in a house she cannot leave.  THEN Peter Brady finds Jubilee, which enrages the women more, so Jami takes it upon herself to corner Jubilee AND Peter Brady in the bathroom and do a little speech about how Jubilee’s comment about going on the date “Literally hurt a lot of girls.” 

“Like, stabbed them.” Says KMu. “Literally.”

Peter Brady gently shuts Jami down but telling her that he would like Jubilee to be herself, but now LACE has dragged Peter Brady off into a corner and hiccupping and crying.  All of this may be summarized by the following:

Lace: “Like my tattoo says, “you can’t love someone else without loving yourself.” 
She self-selects herself out of the gene pool.

After saying goodbye to her, we turn to the remaining women.  One of the twins is wearing a “Rhinestone Cleavage curtain,” in the words of ABe and KMu.  And Shushanna is wearing a pants suit “because Russian.”

Joining Lauren LaurEN, Vaguely Black Amber, and Jubilee with Roses, Peter Brady Picks.

1. The Dern

2. Alvin and All of the Chipmunks

3. Hemingway

4. Haley (twin)

5. Beast Emily

6. Unemployed Rachel

7. Caila.

 8. Jo Jo (horrible voice)

9. Jennifer, wearing some kind of Kleenex twisty dress.

10. Leah the event planner

11. Olivia.  Who is 23 YEARS OLD.  WE STILL CANNOT GET PAST THIS.

“One of the biracial bar tenders” (in the words of ABe) gets cut, which we think is Jami. She “feels like she LITERALLY just got smaked across the face.”  Literally.  And her takeaway lesson is “don’t ever expect anything from humans.”  Literally.  Shoshanna also gets the axe, joining Lace (self-selected). 

But ABe is still not over Jami: “If you come from resources, you are generally going to get out of life what you put into it. But if you want to be miserable, you will be.  Look at me waxing philosophical about this dumbass show.”

And on that note, we leave you.  Stay tuned for next week, Gentle Readers, which I will be blogging from California, having abandoned ABe and KMu in the snow and bitterness.  

- KLo